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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Room 101: what is , or was, your greatest fear.

My biggest fear used to be failure, but I got used to that so I'm honestly not sure any more. Maybe staying this way forever.
 
My biggest fear is to die alone, and lie on my kitchen floor for days before my body is found...
That's what happened to a guy I knew years ago, he OD'd while he was by himself in his apartment, and his body was only found after neighbors noticed the stench coming out of his apartment, about a week later. (It took 2 weeks for Layne Staley... tragic...)
Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, it is so, so sad... I can only hope that my (rare) friends would worry if they didn't hear from me every few days.
 
Becoming paralyzed from the neck down, being burried alive, taking some bad acid and therefore becoming "perma-fried", or any other type of really painful death you can think of. I do not fear death at all, I do fear the process of dying if it involves pain.
 
Needles. Personal experiences... and so hard living with a medical family where there are syringes everywhere.
 
then fear not.

ive discovered the rest of my life is a lot to fear.

and no, i can not fear, the best way for me to not fear is to understand.

Edit: hmm, going back into psychosis, while with these physical conditions would be my greatest fear now. which ever poor doctor wound up with my chart in their stack on that night would be in for one of most complex cases of their life.

i know ive had the beginning stages of serotonin syndrome, and most importantly neuroleptic malignant syndrome from anti psychs, that accompanied with ankylosing spondiilitis, and what ever this chest pain is would be very bad.

the mixed states i go into are way way too much physical excursion - balled up screaming about to pull my hair out restraining my self, or conking out, and zoning in the same position for multiple hours, or days,no. i shouldt stay in one position for more then 20 minutes, or exert(as in not much at all) myself to prevent joint/spine infusion.

i laugh now, at the fear i felt waiting for court, and other BS, puhlease. you want to punish me, lol.
 
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^^^ haha yeah when i was facing possible prison time years ago i was thinking wtf could these fuckers possibly do to me. Ive beat up on myself far more then anybody else possibly could ever do. However being in solitary would drive me insane even more so then i am because i don't do well on my own for long periods of time. Most people i know are scared of violence in prison but since ive dealt with violence my whole life (well up until recently when i mellowed out abit anyway :\ ) it does not really bother me.

Going back to having bipolar as bad as i did 2 years ago kinda scares me but ive gotten alot better with dealing with it the past year so im not that worried.
 
I regard stick bugs and centipedes with abomination. :p I also fear being stabbed.

In general, I fear failure. Come to think of it I also fear success. hmmm
 
All my drug contacts suddenly turning their backs on me or going AWOL.

I know it would be for the best, but the thought still scares the hell out of me.
 
Cherry Sixx said:
I also fear being stabbed.
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I was stabbed in the face when I was a teen, with so much force the blade snapped in half.

Honestly, I didn't feel a thing except the blood running down my neck. Shock and adrenaline are amazing like that. :\
 
paranoid android said:
However being in solitary would drive me insane even more so then i am because i don't do well on my own for long periods of time.
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i have been in solitary, or "rubber rooms" for multiple days, solitary in the county for 2 weeks once. 2 weeks is a laugh, and i feel foolish because i mean, people have spent 20-30 years in solitary but...

the first couple of days where frustrating, but then i actually liked it! i was in there for instigating this dude to hit me so we could have him kicked out of the over crowded cell lol. but they didnt go hit the call help button as quick as they said, haha, i kept looking at them like - hey! wtf go call! lol punch punch. everyone filled my commissary box though hehe, and i got to knock that kids head around a while heheh.

but after being there, besides the 24/7 light and cold forced air, i loved it. i read, and wrote, thought, and would draw all the time. no, nothing, no clue as to the time or day, or part of day/night it was. ahhh, blissful ignorance.
 
i was on a ferry recently, and there was this clown acting all scary growling at this kid, pulling his legs even, while he and his family where at a booth by a window. the kid was screaming, i didnt hear many giggles, but i hope he was playing back!

so yeah, the clown things is common, and understandable - hahah
 
panic in paradise said:
i was on a ferry recently, and there was this clown acting all scary growling at this kid, pulling his legs even, while he and his family where at a booth by a window. the kid was screaming, i didnt hear many giggles, but i hope he was playing back!

so yeah, the clown things is common, and understandable - hahah
Click to expand...

When I was young my mother got a clown for my birthday. I think I hid the entire party.
 
panic in paradise said:
i have been in solitary, or "rubber rooms" for multiple days, solitary in the county for 2 weeks once. 2 weeks is a laugh, and i feel foolish because i mean, people have spent 20-30 years in solitary but...
Click to expand...

Yeah, in the local psych hospital I spent a few days locked up in a room with nothing but a toilet and a mattress on the floor, after trying to break open the main security doors to the ward. I was heavily sedated though so it didn't really phase me.
 
panic in paradise said:
heheh

yeah, its amazing the things that stick with us, from that age into adult hood.

those years are so defining.
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Exactly, those formative years are very defining. Heck, my parents started me in therapy at a young age because I was very introverted, maybe that's why I'm such a mess now.
 
i was in therapy and on psych drugs young, my teachers all through out school 4th-highschool, would call in my parents to talk about me, and if i was a satanist, seriously 4-5-6th grade?!?

i had a therapist tell me recently he thought that i became self sabotaging in ways, because a therapist i saw when i was 8 or nine told me im the type who, "pulls the plug on things", build up to a point, the smash! FTW.

i dont think i fear failing, i learn a lot doing so! but i see it as and call it mental masochism, thats the only way i can describe my rationale while in that state, purging my life.
 
panic in paradise said:
i was in therapy and on psych drugs young, my teachers all through out school 4th-highschool, would call in my parents to talk about me, and if i was a satanist, seriously 4-5-6th grade?!?

i had a therapist tell me recently he thought that i became self sabotaging in ways, because a therapist i saw when i was 8 or nine told me im the type who, "pulls the plug on things", build up to a point, the smash! FTW.

i dont think i fear failing, i learn a lot doing so! but i see it as and call it mental masochism, thats the only way i can describe my rationale while in that state, purging my life.
Click to expand...

I've learned that depressed people become very good at being depressed.
 
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