• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

RIP ektamine

Thankful for everything you were, all you taught us, all you brought out in us. It was too short. We all missed you so much.

 
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It is interesting to me that the rabbits I make for you always happen in December by the ocean. I guess they need an empty beach. There were lots of gulls, pelicans, crows, sand crabs and me. And the wind. Maybe that's where the rabbits come from. You whispering to me. I was happy making it, like a kid playing in the sand all by herself. But then I wanted to show it to you because I knew you would say it was cool and mean it and that turned to crying. It always meant so much to me when you liked one of my creations. It all has to come from me now. I am the keeper of all that existed between us.

 
Haven't been very active on here and just now did I realize he is not amongst us anymore. R.I.P and thank you for the reminder to the ephemeral nature of our material existance. I'm sure you've felt right at home upon entering hyperspace. :) <3
 
herbavore said:
It is interesting to me that the rabbits I make for you always happen in December by the ocean. I guess they need an empty beach. There were lots of gulls, pelicans, crows, sand crabs and me. And the wind. Maybe that's where the rabbits come from. You whispering to me. I was happy making it, like a kid playing in the sand all by herself. But then I wanted to show it to you because I knew you would say it was cool and mean it and that turned to crying. It always meant so much to me when you liked one of my creations. It all has to come from me now. I am the keeper of all that existed between us.

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^ that is beautiful herby <3
 
^<3 and^^<3

Today what I am missing the most, among all the other constant little zaps of remembrance that land on my skin like embers, is your intelligence. I honestly do not know if even you understood what a beautiful landscape your mind was. From the beginning of speech, when your sentences were grammatically lacking, your ideas were astounding.

 
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happy new year ektamine - bring in the new year good & proper for us up there!

@herbavore
keep your head up - our thoughts & prayers are ALWAYS w/ you.
 
This thread is a tragic and painful reminder that none of us is an island. It is also a beautiful reminder of how strong a parent's love can be. Every time I see it, I tell my Mom I love her.
 
^^^ I do the same thing with my mom. This thread nearly brings me too tears and I didnt even know ektamine.

Herbavore thank you for sharing yourself on this site the work you do in TDS is inspiring. BL would not be the same without you.

Much love
 
^ and ^^ Thank you so much, you guys. Had a bit of a setback this past week when I had a long drive by myself. Found myself sobbing, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again. I know I will crawl back out of this hole of guilt but right now it is hitting me hard.<3
 
What!? Can't believe this happen. I obviuosly didn't know ektamine, but as I was scrolling through some different threads, I'd purposely try to look for the ektamine posts, as I knew they were always informative, funny, and heartfelt. Actually, just yesterday one of his post on the MDPV thread helped prevent me from doing something unadvisable. Sorry to those who were closest
Much Love<3
 
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herbavore said:
^ and ^^ Thank you so much, you guys. Had a bit of a setback this past week when I had a long drive by myself. Found myself sobbing, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again. I know I will crawl back out of this hole of guilt but right now it is hitting me hard.<3
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I can imagine how you feel herby.

Much peace and <3 to your entire family.

I wish my mom was as cool, and accepting and open minded as you.
 
I never know what is going to make me cry. Today it was the prayer flags. It was windy. They were clattering and snapping like a drum solo. Everything else stopped and stood back respectfully like musicians in a jazz quartet do when one voice just has to sing alone. I pulled my jacket around me and sat there watching them and then I was sobbing. So I was the sax and you were the drums and it was a lonely, lonely, lonely duet we were playing. Those flags are starting to tear and fade. I never minded a sad song, in fact I love them. Music gives a voice to this aching. Someday I will not be here to feel this. The sky will not break into pieces through the bare branches of these winterdead trees and I won't be listening to the wind or searching for you in my dreams. I will be wherever you are. I suppose that should feel like some kind of comfort but it doesn't. There just is no comfort, that's the thing. There are all these little bubble moments of happiness that float up all shiny and irridescent and light. But there is no comfort.

Last night I bought a book of poems by Robert Bly based on flipping open the book to this page and seeing this stanza:

Perhaps our life is made of struts
And paper, like those early
Wright brothers planes. Neighbors
Run along holding the wingtips.

I'm sorry that we were not able to hold you up longer or run a little faster. A few more tries and you would have been aloft; I'm sure of it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((<3)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Dammit, Caleb.
 
First thread I read this morning, as usual when I see it's been bumped and I'm crying like a girl. You express your sadness so beautifully, almost poetically, it's impossible not to feel it with you, and then there is that last line. Just heartbreaking. The entire world could tell you none of this is your fault, you did all that could be done, and I hope you would believe it, but it wouldn't stop the if onlys, would it? :(

Much love to you my friend. <3

(((((( Herb ))))))
 
^Thank you so much, Sepher. Though on the level I was writing about there is no comfort, there is certainly comfort to be had when a friend follows you into the dark and just says, "I'm behind you." Thank you for that. It is a huge gift.<3
 
^ It's bigger than people realise.. one of the hardest things to learn is that ultimately you grieve alone and no one can help you.. but I'm so glad I learnt the power of people being there with you even if they can't do any of it for you, especially people who realise that and stay anyway. I'd be so lost without them.

Jan. <3 I was just coming in to post "Dammit Dave!" in his thread, only perhaps not expressed as politely hah.. That poem too.. if we could have just kept him and supported him a little longer, the darker days were past, it was going to be okay.. ffs if only.. but we both know the truth behind going down thought-paths like that. We love our boys so very much and we did take care of them and we in no way failed them. I'm trying to train myself to realise that "what if"s are like some kind of dark labyrinth; we could lose ourselves forever and in the end, they are all meaningless anyway. But.... dammit. Dammit Caleb and Dave, how can this be the reality now. Sometimes I just need to yell that because I still don't understand and I never will.

I'm sorry Jan, I really hope you don't mind me posting this here.. was going to transfer it to Dave's wall but it seemed better here..

Jan <3
Caleb <3

<3
 
^ I not only do not mind but I am touched that we end up so many times on the same little islands of grief waving to each other. It's uncanny that we both had the words, Dammit! in our minds at the same time.

I know that you are right about that labyrinth. I guess i will always have to walk it. It's worst when I see his baby pictures or those from when he was a kid. I was charged with his protection by nature, by the trust he had in me that every child places in a mother, and by my own almost cell-level love and need to protect my children. It doesn't make sense when they grow up, in fact it is what makes for a healthy relationship with your children when you can cease to treat them as if they need your protection. But it is an instinct that won't go away so easily, not to mention that since Caleb was so very helpless at times in his addiction, it resurfaced more than ever. That's why I almost feel at peace with my circle through this labyrinth. I don't do it constantly, and then it seems to come in waves, but it has a surprising way of never really lessening in intensity.

Sometimes i have the fantasy that Caleb and I are both long past this life. We are looking back at our living human selves, mother and son, and we are ageless and genderless and without culture or personality or ego or any of the human specifics of time and place and we simply say: "look how much we loved each other. Look at the love we created that is still us."

<3Rosie<3Dave<3Caleb<3me
 
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