To Pete
Little did I know how you were feeling inside. I just had no idea. Moving to a new place and leaving your old life behind... we do it for many reasons, sometimes perhaps it is a desperate measure in the face of the dead end we have gotten ourselvs into. it is one reason why I moved to thailand. I was looking forward to meeting you here in bangkok when your course was finished. we have never met... we were going to... you seemed so positive. Perhaps I sounded less enthusastic about meeting than you, but this is because I felt like I needed to make an effort to be positive when I meet you and not my grouchy grumpy old self because I felt almost inadequate with my low moods compared to the flamboyant being I perceived you to be. On occasion in our message exchanges you would ask if I am ok and I would reply that i am, when actually i wasn't, really. And I think you sensed that. You know, I had a very hard time when I first arrived here and I would not admit it to anyone... pride, loss of face, whatever. Now I wish i had been more open about my feelings to you. Perhaps you would have understood that you were by no means in any way alone.
Pete. I am so very sorry I did not respond to your recent messages simply because I do not log on to BL very often any more, and I did not know you had written to me. If you had told me in your messages how you are really feeling and if i had read them on time, I would have told you that it's gonna be alright and that YES YOU CAN have a job with no tefl qualification. I would have told you that you are very welcome in my life and that we're going to have some good talks and some good times together. You were in need of a friend and I was more than happy to be your friend if you were going to come and live in Bangkok. If you had known just how lonely I felt when I first arived in Bangkok and how I too contemplated suicide perhaps you would have been stronger. I am sorry i did not tell you enough about this. I regret not having had the luck to meet you in this life. I hope you are alright wherever you are now. I am also very very sorry that I had to be the one with the bad news to telll the BL community... my feelings when I read about your death on that Thai forum were indescribable, but I will try to describe anyway: my heart was pounding in my chest, fast and strong, and I felt itchy and hot and weak and cold, and I felt like fainting, and I saw your face on that photo and I really felt your person and I felt your pain. I thinkk we would have become good friends. I will shut up now, this isn't supposed to be about me. I am very sad!
rest in peace, friend
