Well I made it through the weekend with out scoring!!! YIP~EEEeeeee......!!! Its a step in the right direction. I don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind to stop using forever, but I'd like to take a break till xmas! Since I've started college I'm only working 2 days and 1 evening a week so money is very very tight!!! I was starting to get into debt with rent and bills again so I had to stop scoring before my debt got serious again, its always money that stops me using.
I don't have much spare cash so I can't afford to score. In an ideal world I'd love to be able to score some GOOD gear just once a month, I'd love that!!! BUT in the real world there is not good gear, there is only ok gear. And its very hard to only score once a month, cravings normally take over!
I'm worried yet interested to see why the Drug Treatment Centre Board what to see me next week? My appointment is with a Psychiatrist, maybe it will be good to talk to a psychiatrist? Ummm.... I wonder??? I had a bit of a messed up childhood, as a result I suffer from really bad anxiety. I've suffered from anxiety for as long as I remember! As a young child I didn't know what anxiety was? But I had it ALL of the time and I hated the feeling. Sometimes I suffer from depressed as well, but that hasn't been as bad in the last few years. Heroin was the only thing that ever got rid of my anxiety & depression, but since the drought my an anxiety has gone through the roof again and depression is creeping back in. Any time I mention my anxiety to my Doctor he looks away and acts all awkward. I know that he is thinking that I'm a junky so he is not gonna give me tablets, he won't even talk to me about my anxiety!
I've been with that same Doctor for 20 years, I went to him long before I turned to heroin. Back then I told him about my past and about my anxiety & depression. He gave me antidepressant tablets but they didn't work, so he tried a different brand & they didn't work. Three years went by & I was getting much worse so I ended up turning to heroin. I've explained all this to my Doctor but he looks at me blankly. I've told him that I often think about going back to using heroin daily coz its the only thing that helps me. But he just says if I do that then I'll lose my take-away methadone script (he knows I need take-away coz of my job) But he doesn't offer me any help for my anxiety any-more, he offered me help before I was a heroin user, but now I don't seem to deserve any help.
I showed my Doctor the letter that I got from the Drug Treatment Centre Board, he knew nothing about it. So he didn't even set that up for me. But hopefully some good will come out of it!
I know of two people who were chronic heroin addicts, one of them has been off gear and methadone for 15 years & the other has been off gear for 5 years, and he only takes 10mls of methadone a day. They are still going strong, they say they will never touch gear again! They say that they don't even miss the stuff! I'd love to be like that some day! But for now I'm just gonna try get to xmas, BUT if the gear was to REALLY improve in Dublin then I don't think I'd find it so easy to stay away from it......