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Recovery Journal

VastEmpty said:
I was struggling particularly bad one day and she asked me "would you rather have the best high you've ever had, or would you rather have peace?"
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Nice, I really like that. It is exactly how I think of using heroin these days, and lemme tell you - it makes the heroin use look like absolute shit in comparison. Then again, I guess it wasn't the heroin use that suck so much, it was everything that went into it and the consequences of it that sucked balls.

Anyways, thanks for sharing all that about yourself VE, I really enjoyed learning a bit more about you! Ever thought of posting in the Blogs section? I can tell you'd write a good blog, plus addicts have the most fascinating stories, each and every one of us. Keep up the good work!
 
Hey, Flux! How is the day treating you? I hope you feel well enough to make it through the day. I'm sending you my good vibes!

- VE
 
Thank you. Every day gets easier but yet so much harder. Nights are terrifying as my mind tries to grapple with what a sober me has to do. Simple tasks seem insurmountable. I remain positive but I'm so scared of how my brain functions. Constant war within my head.

Still clean. So tired. So bleak. Struggling to see the light after day 9... Day 10? I'm not quite sure anymore.
 
Thanks for your journal Flux, im just passing by and I read it all, it is so inspirational and I feel so much courage and determination in you that it gives me even more strength to fight my demons.
I'm also hitting a bad time, though not anywhere as tough as yours and reading your words and your recovery being done are a great help for, I believe, everyone reading.
I can only wish you a good recovery and blessings to your family, I also have a supportive wife and I know how much that counts and helps.
I hope you will make it through more easily from now on and that the worst is already behind you as you managed to convince yourself this time is the once and for all recovery.
I'm all in with you, remember there will always be light at the end of the tunnel, however long it is.
Cheers.
 
The way I look at things, only right now is important. What is past can no longer hurt you, and what's to come hasn't happened yet. Anyone going through this will have bad days, real bad days, ok days and then a few magical good days. Obviously, the longer we stay sober, the longer it'll be between bad days, and the more good days there'll be. For me, as long as there's the occasional ok or good day dropped in amongst the shite, that little ray of sunshine can recharge me to face the next barrage of bad days. I think living through withdrawal it's really important to live in the now. Today may suck, tomorrow might too, but the day after that will be great and that makes it all worthwhile.
 
Flux -

I often struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel - but I trust that it is there. Mostly because people who came before me, who I do respect, tell me that it is there, regardless of if I can see it.

Take your little one on a walk, or do something active if you can. Tomorrow will be a better day.

- VE
 
Love it to death. Can you find a way to embrace you anxiety in a kind way? Without details it is hard for us to give you too much advice.
 
It's an unplaceable fear. Completely intangible. I feel overwhelmed by competing the smallest task. Sometimes I feel ok, and I'm so tired that I go to lay down and my anxiety literally climbs exponentially. I feel like I'm losing sight of why I want to get clean. I'm beginning to feel those justifications seep back in. I won't give in but I want to face them head on as well. The physicality is still killing me.

Day 11 today and I slept for 2 hours last night. Still can't sit still or stop yawning. 11 days seems long for acute symptoms so I have to assume is anxiety taking over.
 
Try to be as slow, kind and gentle with yourself as you can. I'm having a bit of a rough morning myself, all I can do is try and take it easy on myself and not do anything too unhealthy. This too shall pass kinda deal. It is tough, but sometimes all you can do is to ride it out. I mean, it is either that or making a mistake, which I'd really prefer not to do. But, yeah, feeling like you are white-knuckling it is hard always!
 
Yeah man I'm just beating myself up for putting my family through this. Like no one in my life currently has ever known me off pills. She continues to be kind and gracious and loving and amazing but I see how it's just wearing her down. She broke down into tears this morning and I've never felt like such a disappointment. I told her just give me a few more days to get through the worst of it.

I can't blame her. You can only prepare someone who hasn't been through WDs so much... It's not really something you can relate to unless you've been there.

I'm just a little disappointed with my progress and I shouldn't be. I don't need to be. I have all the time in the world to heal for myself and my family, I just obsess over losing them like I've lost everyone else.

I have to remember I'm not in the past.
 
14YearsOfFlux said:
I have to remember I'm not in the past.
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This. You are in the present and can do your decisions now. You can learn from the past if you wish but don't get obsessed with past and plan for the future, not for the past.

This past thing is something I've been thinking a lot lately.

I am waiting for ORT to start and am on a dose of 30mgs of oxycodone daily for pain (and maintenance) and the cravings are huge.
 
Mr Root, you got this. I've seen you all over this forum kicking ass, dropping advice, and being awesome. You seem strong. You got it.

And thank you. That's tough to remember sometimes.
 
Flux, MR, you guys are sooooooooo much stronger than you know. You are both an inspiration to me. What an amazing journey each of your have, such struggles, yet you each are SO resilient it is a blessing to us all.

Thank you :) <3
 
I'm on day 11... Would it be a mistake to pop some Lopermide to get a day of relief? Maybe just 12mg or so?
 
I don't see the harm. Wd is as much mental battle as it is physical. I don't see lope as cheating in any way, if it keeps you off the hard stuff then I'm all for it.
 
I agree. I'd like to think I've done my homework so I'm gonna take 8mg and call it a day. Even if it's a placebo effect, I'll take it.
 
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