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Recovery Journal

The fear of the unknown isn't an intentional roadblock, it's an unavoidable roadblock that we all face. The good news is that you can and are smashing it. I'm now 5 weeks opie-free and before I started it was the unknown of sobriety that really put me off. I've got away with it far easier than I ever have before, which I attribute to having the rest of my life in a good place right now. There's no anxiety, which has amazed me, the only paws I've got is annoying but minor aches and pains. Hardly surprising considering what I've put my body through the past 20 years. Motivation is way up, I'm doing so much more with my life already. Another opiate fallacy, I always thought that I was more motivated high. Yeah right.

You sound like you've got bang on the right mindset to power through this. The unknown is going to be easier to deal with than you think. Just be wary when the cravings hit, they always catch me unexpected and can be damn intense. Just mother O trying to hypnotise us in her death throes, they only last a short time.
 
60 hours in and holding steady.

Guys I'm having a rough couple of hours here... Amp has worn off (feeling as you would expect) and the lack of sleep is really starting to get jagged around the edges. Arms are fidgety and the residual effects of the amp has me honing in on every little minor twitch or ache or skin-crawly feeling to the point that I'm causing myself undue anxiety. Deep breaths.

I will not yield.

You can turn my skin inside out and run your jagged Blade over the surface of my psyche and I WILL NOT LET YOU BACK IN.

It's MY brain, not yours. Fuck off.
 
Nice man, keep at this! Can you take a hot bath, that always relaxes me and helps me fall asleep. Then wank after your bath, it also helps you sleep.

I take it you don't have any benzos you can take to help with the come down?

I'm still super proud of your for getting rid of the amphetamine. That shit won't do you any good in withdrawal, as you now know ;)
 
69 hours in... I still have my convictions and my strength is still there... But I'm so tired... So tired... I haven't slept in 3 days, my body feels like a rattling and rusted tin can.

All I've taken since dumping the amps is a few tylenol, some good food and lots of water. This is still the most mild WD I've personally ever experienced... Thanks in part to my amazing wifey. We have an awesome relationship and she knows the entire story. I'm lucky there.

Except....

It's now 1:35 AM MST... 68th hour... And to be honest... My physical symptoms are going downhill fast. My eyelids are so heavy, yet the minute they shut, I'm jerked backed to concioisness with a sharp zap.

Bottom line, I need sleep. I have a teleconference meeting tomorrow at noon and while I'm WELL versed in the ways of the functioning addict, 3 days of no sleep and existing in full blown WD means I'll be a zombie.

I have no desire to use my DOC. Would it be so terrible to get a 1mg Xanax from a friend to help incite a quick mornjng nap? Never had a problem with benzos or booze. Honest. I'm not interested in utilizing Xanax to detox or WD or anything. Just a one and done nap.

Thoughts?
 
Thank you for sticking with me and checking in, ToothpasteDAWG. It may seem routine to you at this poInt, given your familiarity within this particular community, but to me... It means the world.

It's nice to know my words are finding a home that isn't just the ether.
 
Flux -

i think getting a Xanax isn't a bad idea at all.

Your worsening physical symptoms are probably due to lack of sleep - getting some sleep now can only help you. Even if it's Xanax induced!

Hang in there. You are doing SO good! I'm exhausted and it's really late where I am. I will be by to check in later this morning.

- VE
 
I want to sleep so bad... I have literally NOTHING on my schedule tomorrow except for one conference call. My wife has already offered to go full baby duty. And my WDs are not so savage that I should be awake... And yet here I am.

For the second night in a row, I am staring at the ceiling, contemplating the journey I've embarked on.

It's pretty amazing the difference in your emotional state when you pretend to recover (I.e. Run out of drugs) and when you ACTUALLY begin the process.

Aside from being a zombie... I feel good!
 
Dear Flux, from Flux:

It's not really about the actions, it's about the behaviors that drive the actions. Find the why and find freedom. Fix the engine, THEN redo the paint.

If you chase any one specific metric, all the others will suffer. Seek to adjust your behaviors so that positive results manifest naturally. Be good to yourself and others.

Oh, and don't forget to pull those chicken breasts out of the freezer.

Thanks, self.
 
I don't think one xanax would be too bad a plan either, although I'd hold off that until your webex and whatever else is out the way and you can relax properly.

Insomnia past 72 hours really does suck, hope you get some kip soon.
 
14YearsOfFlux said:
Thank you for sticking with me and checking in, ToothpasteDAWG. It may seem routine to you at this poInt, given your familiarity within this particular community, but to me... It means the world.

It's nice to know my words are finding a home that isn't just the ether.
Click to expand...

Happy to do it! And I think you know I'm not just saying that :)

I also agree with the above, take the alprazolam! Did it help at all? How long have you been up?
 
Thanks for the replies guys. So you mean I shouldn't stay up for 72 hours, pop a Xanax and then try and get this client?! Hahahaha! Sarcasm. I will definitely wait. I can put a metric ton of Oxy up my nose and walk around like I own the place... But if I just LOOK at a Xanax, I'm passing out.

That said, I will be taking one this evening around 6 PM.

Man this community is awesome.
 
Thanks for checking in!

So after 80 hours of being awake, my girl finally made me take a Xanax yesterday around 3 PM. After some VERY disconcerting disassociative behavior attributed to (I assume) a war between residual Adderal and Xanax in my brain, I finally fell asleep at about 5 PM. Slept like a baby until midnight and then was in and out until 8 this morning.

Still no opiates!

Today has been the hardest day yet. By far. I went grocery shopping for an hour and a half and I feel like I ran 10 marathons. Having trouble keeping my mind focused on anything.

The fight goes on.

I'm feeling really weak right now. How can j avoid that ruthless bitch Ms. Oxy?
 
Are you eating right? Get some vitamins in you? I won't get on my vit-c soapbox today, but they really do help, albeit subtly. And ad the good toothpasyedog says, you got to stay active. The withdrawals where I gave up to it and hid in my bed were the worst by far. Tomorrow will be another day. 5 weeks clean and I'm still getting pretty major cramping in my legs. Damn pods take forever to get out the system. Whenever that happens I get out in the garden and clobber the plant life out there, or take the dog for a walk.
 
Yeah I'm doing my best to stay busy (not to tough with a 6 Mo old) but it's just everything I do exhausts me. I'm a professional drone racer and I have a large event coming up this weekend that has me quite anxious. It will be my first time flying not under the influence of opiates. There's $30,000 on the line and I'm so SO afraid that if I fail, I will want to blame my sobriety. I'm working all week on making sure my mindset is right so I don't let small stumbles like that point me toward relapse. If I can make it through that (whether I win or lose) that will be huge for me.
 
And yeah I'm eating pretty well, thanks only to my lady. She has dubbed herself the "nutrition police" and is closely monitoring my intake.

What an amazing woman. I downplayed my addiction when we met, said it was only casual usage, hid it from her for years and when I finally came clean about my situation for real she just smiled, gave me her love and made sure I knew that she was in my corner.

I hadn't cried that hard in years.
 
14YearsOfFlux said:
Yeah I'm doing my best to stay busy (not to tough with a 6 Mo old) but it's just everything I do exhausts me. I'm a professional drone racer and I have a large event coming up this weekend that has me quite anxious. It will be my first time flying not under the influence of opiates. There's $30,000 on the line and I'm so SO afraid that if I fail, I will want to blame my sobriety. I'm working all week on making sure my mindset is right so I don't let small stumbles like that point me toward relapse. If I can make it through that (whether I win or lose) that will be huge for me.
Click to expand...

It isn't a matte of just staying busy, but staying busy doing things you find fulfilling. I do know it isn't easy though. You are doing great, keep up the good work!
 
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