For me I at times [most] I dont have a clue. One thing I am glad about is that my days of needles and dope have been gone for a long time. I have only used h maybe 3-4 times in the past 5 years. Shaking that aspect of well being a dope fiend was HARD and that was with sitting on maintenence [bupe] for the last 8 years, what was I thinking?! The transition from a drug addict to meds was hard but I was younger and that was all I knew.
Than those meds man, straight fucked me up. It was WAY to hard for me to go from dirty gutters to nothing. I just wasnt ready to be sober and I have been questioning it still. I was so obsessed with opiates/drugs, you name it. It was just this ritualized behavior in me that I needed something or alot of things to get me on my feet. I have been off off opiates/benzo since easter and things are good, I guess. I am finally starting to feel better physically and somewhat mentally. My anxiety still gets a little rough around the edges but that is mainly because I am always thinking about it.
If I could go back and change things I would have gotten a job [something small part time] right off the bat. As I had/have too much time to analyze my behavior or maybe my lack of behavior. I have been lazy for as long as I can remember trying to buck the system and just be without having to worry about 9-5 bullshit. I haven't worked for a LONG time but now that I am clean it is a daunting task as fuct up as that sounds. So instead I started up school again. I was never able to complete a full year when I was on dope but I did get thru multiple semesters multiple times. When I wasnt in the ghetto instead of class, eventually I said fuck school I am just going to shoot dope. And that is what I did for about a decade.
I think I still have an [I hesitate to use the word] obsession with drugs and the effect on the brain. Sometimes I just dont know and want to just escape this world but I could never do it. Nor do I want to but I still have thoughts about swerving into the other lane of traffic but just my luck I would just get serious injuries and get stuck on opiates again. All the years of abuse shattered my self-confidence [benzos mainly] and I often think I am not good enough. Although I know in the back of my head that is total bullshit. Yet it still handicaps me especially with girls I ALWAYS wait for chicks to pick me up, rarely do I take the initiative. That has been bugging me lately but than I say well getting a g/f is just me looking to fill some void and it will turn unhealthy, wtf?!
I think I am just placating myself. I still get laid whenever but I am craving a relationship. Another complexity is as selfish, ugly as it sounds when I do have a potential g/f on the line I will find things wrong with her that is totally superficial. I have always been like that though and habits are hard to change but I am making progress. Kinda just rambling but oh well...
belfort
I remember you mention something about sweating before. Man that shit is driving me crazy I change shirts still at least 2 times a day because of it and it drives me crazy. This new anti-perspirant has been helping a little but not totally. How long did sweats last with you? It is mainly in social situations but that coupled with shaking hands well, sucks.
peace.
seedless
Than those meds man, straight fucked me up. It was WAY to hard for me to go from dirty gutters to nothing. I just wasnt ready to be sober and I have been questioning it still. I was so obsessed with opiates/drugs, you name it. It was just this ritualized behavior in me that I needed something or alot of things to get me on my feet. I have been off off opiates/benzo since easter and things are good, I guess. I am finally starting to feel better physically and somewhat mentally. My anxiety still gets a little rough around the edges but that is mainly because I am always thinking about it.
If I could go back and change things I would have gotten a job [something small part time] right off the bat. As I had/have too much time to analyze my behavior or maybe my lack of behavior. I have been lazy for as long as I can remember trying to buck the system and just be without having to worry about 9-5 bullshit. I haven't worked for a LONG time but now that I am clean it is a daunting task as fuct up as that sounds. So instead I started up school again. I was never able to complete a full year when I was on dope but I did get thru multiple semesters multiple times. When I wasnt in the ghetto instead of class, eventually I said fuck school I am just going to shoot dope. And that is what I did for about a decade.
I think I still have an [I hesitate to use the word] obsession with drugs and the effect on the brain. Sometimes I just dont know and want to just escape this world but I could never do it. Nor do I want to but I still have thoughts about swerving into the other lane of traffic but just my luck I would just get serious injuries and get stuck on opiates again. All the years of abuse shattered my self-confidence [benzos mainly] and I often think I am not good enough. Although I know in the back of my head that is total bullshit. Yet it still handicaps me especially with girls I ALWAYS wait for chicks to pick me up, rarely do I take the initiative. That has been bugging me lately but than I say well getting a g/f is just me looking to fill some void and it will turn unhealthy, wtf?!
I think I am just placating myself. I still get laid whenever but I am craving a relationship. Another complexity is as selfish, ugly as it sounds when I do have a potential g/f on the line I will find things wrong with her that is totally superficial. I have always been like that though and habits are hard to change but I am making progress. Kinda just rambling but oh well...
belfort
I remember you mention something about sweating before. Man that shit is driving me crazy I change shirts still at least 2 times a day because of it and it drives me crazy. This new anti-perspirant has been helping a little but not totally. How long did sweats last with you? It is mainly in social situations but that coupled with shaking hands well, sucks.
peace.
seedless