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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Rebuilding a life and all this extra time..

by the way, fuck getting high

Some drugs do more damage than others, probably--speed for instance, there is no denying that will fry you, and some drugs do damage in ways that are subtle and insidious, like pot (my opinion, don't flame me). For me, the use of opiates has made me much less tolerant to the normal aches and pains and 'non on top of the world' feeling that normal non-addicts take as just a part of life. Now I'm weaning off Subutex and I worry, like Bojangles, that my motivation sense of life is forever fuct. I guess we just have to train ourselves to become accustomed to a different baseline of happiness and motivation, the new normal. Finding a hobby helps, as long as the hobby isn't cooking meth :).
 
Cooking meth will absolutely ruin your life /\

I was just screwing around the first time I did it and wound up with 21gms of speed. Wound up doing it all in about a week. The following 1 1/2 years of my life were spent doing 4-5 gms of speed everyday and I soon wound up in prison with meth psychosis. After I got out I had severe panic disorder, social anxiety, depression, paranoia, which wound up lasting for about 7 years in total. The panic disorder went away first, then depression, then the social anxiety has just lessened and lessened. But I still have a fair degree of it today.

I'm actually quite nervous I may have a panic attack my first day of class now off opiates, and I'm really hoping the inderal can handle it alone w/out opiates. If I do wind up getting a panic attack, I may relapse for all I know. I'm very edgy/anxious these last few weeks and am really hoping exercise and inderal is gonna be enough.
Speed is a fucking nightmare for what it does to the brain. If I never touched that shit I don't think I'd even have 10% of the problems I have today.
 
Yeah I have always wanted to see an extended intervention where they would follow around an addict for a couple months during heavy use, a couple months during the transition to getting clean/going on maintenance, and a couple months once clean [that is IF they stay clean].

As for a quick rebound. Things have changed quite a bit from when I was younger and could rebound from a run like rubber bouncy ball against a brick wall. Like they say everyone is different though and that definitely comes into play from the varying degrees of addiction.

Confusing data, I know I have had countless dr.'s, counselors, whatever tell me that since I used to be a heavy drug abuser that my maturity levels have stopped from that day I first picked up. I dont agree with that specifically but might hold somewhat of a truth mainly in the fact I still sometimes refer to my years of use as a teenager in extended release formula. My last doctor told me to expect to not feel 'normal' whatever that is for at least a couple years from the benzo incident. He was hesitant to put a time frame on it though.

On the other hand I dont necessarily buy into data that goes to suggest I have done permanent damage. I am not saying it is not possible especially when I lump in the long years of lsd/psychedelic/pcp/amphetamine/benzos abuse but opiates is a different monster. I liked what you said belfort, lost that spring/spark in your step. I have always been a firm believer that suggestion [plus other factors] can be a huge force. I guess it is just unnerving to actually assume my brain might have damage. I like to think if it does that is a good thing because it occurred for a reason and will set me apart it my thinking. :\

The biggest thing with me is lack of motivation and a desire to benefit myself even when I know that would be a positive thing. Like I have mentioned before there seems to be a lack of excitement in my life but that just might be growing up and settling down aspect. My thinking has been a bit well distracted at times to but it feels good when I study and learn/memorize [is that learning?] school studies. I should have been reading chapters/studying for my classes over this weekend but I have not, maybe tomorrow. eh.

peace.
seedless
 
Fuck it, we were all such gods before hand that all any drug related brain damage did was bring us down to a level were we can actually relate to mere mortals and have real relationships with them. That is what I tell myself at least. %)

@ Bojangles: When you go to class bring a paper towel in your pocket or back pack to surreptitiously wipe off nervous sweat, as you may run into some problems there. I know I did. Social anxiety plus opiate PAWS="eeww why is he sweating so much." Bring a paper towel!
 
Congrats on getting off the opiates. I envy you. Opiates are happy pills. They amek us feel unnatural happiness. Without them life sucks. Give yourself a break. Give your brain time to rebalance. It will get better. Hang in there and congrats. I need people like you to show me it can be done. Going to keep an eye on your progress to maybe give me hope.
 
What I did was hang up signs all over my apartment that said things like, "WORK OUT, DAMMIT!" and "Look for a job TODAY." I was really bad about being able to ignore my problems by distracting myself with sleep, TV, the computer, etc. It would even piss me off when my family and friends would suggest I get out and exercise or look for a job because I didn't want to even think about having to do anything as I had zero motivation. I finally bucked up and decided that I am too young to be wasting my life to sleep and TV, so I put the signs up in order to prevent myself from being able to escape the cold hard truth of me needing to get out and do something with myself. I got really honest with myself and realized that I had absolutely no right to complain if I wasn't even trying to improve my situation in addition to realizing that if I didn't get my life together soon, my chances of relapsing were extremely high.

You need to be 100% honest with yourself too, which is where the signs come in. MAKE yourself get up before noon and MAKE yourself read each of these signs. Don't run from any of it. True, it really fucking sucks and the kind of depression people experience during the beginning stages of sobriety can be debilitating. With that being said, going to your doctor and explaining your situation can never hurt. You might possibly need a little leg up with an anti-depressant; you never know. Your doctor can determine if you have typical post-drug blues or if it's something more, and if it's the latter, he or she can help you feel better.

Either way, there's really no other way than to force yourself up and out. At the end of a day spent looking for jobs and accomplishing things you will feel so good about yourself. That alone makes a person feel so much better. The moment I started making myself exercise (despite having absolutely NO energy at all--I started by walking for god's sake) and went job hunting was the moment I started to feel better about myself. This ended up being a sort of chain reaction because the better I felt, the happier I seemed and the more I was able to get up in the morning in addition to getting hired for serving position by a man who liked me for my "glowing personality," even when he wasn't even hiring!

The bottom line is this: Don't waste your youth, health, and sobriety by doing so little with life. Get out and make life your bitch and don't let it happen the other way around =)
 
this very issue is my dilemma right now. I'm almost a month and a half clean off opiates and I find myself constantly plagued by lethargy, depression and inescapable ennui. I thought opiates made me amotivational, but their absence has left me utterly debilitated.

as a member of the ADD generation, I've now fallen back on my doctors' old cure-all: pharmaceutical stimulants. I worry I am simply trading one addiction for another, and stimulant addiction - when it truly becomes an addiction, which I hope it doesn't in this case - is the worst form of dependency I have ever experienced in my short life.

I am hoping for the best. school began one week ago and I am full-time.
 
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