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Bupe Really dumb relapse - back to square one?

suessmayr

suessmayr

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2008
Messages
1,067
Location
Sydney, Australia
I relapsed about 4 days ago after about 110 days clean time. There was absolutely no reason for the relapse. I was on top of my uni work, feeling good and responding well to a new anti-depressant Wellbutrin. Then one night I had 50mg zolpidem, 120mg oxazepam and 24mg buprenorphine. I never thought that bupe could be abused but I was literally on the nod for 24 hrs. Like I tried to sleep, woke up, and nodded out when trying to drink a coffee. Then I spewed randomly for 12 hrs.

But since that I've been fucked. My skin has gone really pale and dry and I'm shit anxious and depressed. I'm worried that I've fucked up the Wellbutrin and that it's going to stop working - does this sound likely? Also, it is likely that I'll have to go through WD's again?

Maybe the Stilnox had something to do with this...made me do something impulsive. I have absolutely no understanding of why I would have done this. And because the last thing anyone heard from me was that I was doing well, I'm in a shit situation now. Because I can't tell anyone 'hey, yeah I relapsed' but I'm also really not doing well anymore.
 
your FINE!!! relapse happens! Its part of the whole thing....dont beat yourself up..and your getting way to heady about it..so here's the deal "you made a mistake" thats it! period. You have had 110 days clean..why not focus on that?? Everyone goes through this...be realistic! its OK! it will NOT fuck with your meds and it will NOT put you into withdrawl, everyone does it-your giving it WAY more time and energy and power than you should..you made a mistake, so..ok, you learn from it accept it and move on, your fine! chill! its all good!
 
Thanks a lot for that. But it's not just feeling like a fucking loser. Physically I have been like a zombie since this happened. I've been constantly sick, eating nothing, (obviously) badly constipated and have been sleeping for between 12 and 16 hours every night. I have exams coming up and am in a really bad situation.
 
bupe is gonna be in your system for a few days..but really STOP! your not a fucking loser..you would be a fucking loser! 110 days is awesome! and you had the balls to talk about it here..so thats good!...Dont give this one "event" any more energy and thought..accept it, learn from it and move on..your a human, you make mistakes! and...not to mention..if your tolerance is slightly lowered from not using bupe can be pretty strong and stick around for a while..get out and be active and give yourself a fuckin break man!
 
Listen to piebald. Relapse happens to most if not ALL recovering addicts. For people like you and I who have suffered with depression and substance abuse for a long time, it's easiest to revert to our default setting of feeling like a loser, beating up on ourselves, and allowing ourself to get depressed about the situation. But (and you know this) that just makes it worse.

Instead, accept that this has happened for whatever reason. Now you just pick up from where you left off, and keep going.

In terms of your physical side effects, please try to eat something nutritious. Hopefully that will give you the energy you need to start feeling normal again. Your skin is probably pale and scaly from dehydration from having vomited so much that day, and also from not eating. Make sure you're drinking enough water (which will help out with the constipation), and get something from the pharmacy to help out with that also. You are not going to fail any exams, you are going to be fine. Prioritise for the soonest, or the most heavily-weighted exam (in terms of marks), and go from there. Try and do any amount of study that you can manage each day, whether it's 30 minutes or a couple of 20 minute sessions, and more if you can manage. Hopefully once you've forced yourself to get back in to your normal routine you will begin to recover.

Rest assured, you have NOT done any long-lasting damage. You took a pretty hefty cocktail of depressants so it's understandable that you're having a bit of an epic comedown/hangover. But if you try and force yourself to keep doing things normally, you should be right as rain <3

Oh and one last thing......why did you have access to bupe?? If it was already in your possession, or in your house (perhaps belonging to someone else), please get rid of it. If you need the stilnox to sleep, you need to be a bit more vigilant/responsible because you need to take in to account the very real possibility of sleep-walking/sleep-activity, impulsive behaviour with amnesia etc etc. If you don't want this situation to occur again, make sure there is no possible way you can access bupe or any other possible drugs of abuse, even if you're in a somnolent/amnesic state.
 
Ah n3o, I was hoping so much that you wouldn't see this thread man. Pretty ashamed. But thanks for the post. I'll try to be a bit less pathetic and start eating and moving again. I had the bupe from previously. I know I should just flush the rest of it but that just feels like an impossibility. Independently of using it or not using it it just feels almost physically unpleasant to contemplate wasting the only opiate I have some of. Maybe this is a bit pathological.
 
STOP WITH THE BS! your not pathetic...most users/addicts/addicts in recovery become kinda nuts about things but your NOT a LOSER and your NOT PATHETIC!!! that kind of crap is probably the reason you use anyway...give yourself credit...you know what..most people that relapse who are not being honest or serious about sobriety would never admit it..and you are being open and asking for advice..which means yo'ur the opposite of a loser! the opposite of pathetic. The fact that you are "ashamed" of this thread?? are you kidding?? you need to move through that crap..your honest, your dealing with your hit and your ALLOWED to fuck up!! your ok! I dont have anyway of knowing but because of your level of concern over your relapse (which BTW is No big deal) I think you are very hard on yourself and very serious about staying clean..i hope you take it seriously but if you beat yourself up you wont get anywhere! your awesome! you made one mistake...water on the bridge man..
 
No YOUR awesome because you live with mad deadly animals in Australia..AND your in recovery.killer native fauna? crazy!
 
The thing people forget is the Bup is that is 40x more potent than morphine and acts like a full agonist if no opiates are in your system. Also, buprenorphine has a higher binding affinty than naloxone so if you overdose it won't be effective. Especially when clean and mixed with benzos. Lucky to be alive.
Don't think that using one time is a relapse. As long as you don't catch a habit or fall back to the lifestyle you're still doing ok. Using will be a temptation till the day you die, and the first few months clean are the hardest. And think how awesome it was you had the self control to not go and do it the next day too.
 
Relapse CAN be a part of recovery. I can not speak for everyone else, but god knows how many went through. It is hard for people to get back into the whole meetings deal after a relapse. The thing is, you dont have to do it again. I wish you the best of luck.
 
piebald said:
No YOUR awesome because you live with mad deadly animals in Australia..AND your in recovery.killer native fauna? crazy!
Click to expand...
Hehehehe, she's got a point dude =D


suessmayr said:
Ah n3o, I was hoping so much that you wouldn't see this thread man. Pretty ashamed. But thanks for the post. I'll try to be a bit less pathetic and start eating and moving again. I had the bupe from previously. I know I should just flush the rest of it but that just feels like an impossibility. Independently of using it or not using it it just feels almost physically unpleasant to contemplate wasting the only opiate I have some of. Maybe this is a bit pathological.
Click to expand...
I see everything ;)
Seriously though, absolutely NO need to be ashamed mate. My life at the moment is one big relapse myself so it would be pretty hypocritical of me to criticise you for this. And besides, you know you can talk to me about anything at all. I will never judge you <3
 
Yea relapse sucks. Letting people who care down sucks, and letting yourself down sucks. But like all mistakes in life, dwelling on it will get you nowhere. I had a somewhat similar experience, funny enough. I had abstained from opiates for maybe a month and a half, which is quite a long time for me. My opiate use has always been touch and go, peaking in intensity and then waning. I had a chance encounter with a buddy who was holding some suboxone film and took it as a sign from God to indulge. The moment it finished dissolving I felt powerful remorse for the decision, which made enjoying any of the "subtle" effects of the bupe impossible. It got kind of dysphoric really. The real kicker though is that the shit lasts forever, so I was reminded constantly of my mistake for +24 hours, until the effects had completely subsided. Get back on the horse and learn from the mistake I guess.
 
I wouldn't even count this as a relapse because it couldn't have been an enjoyable experience.

Keep it realistic though -- bupe has a 36 hour half life, you took 24 mg, so it's gonna be on your system for at least a week, and that's just based on hard numbers. You aren't going to feel physically shitty for months. Just get a grip and don't take all those benzos and sleeping pills

Peace
 
110 DAYS CLEAN KEEP COMING BACK! As they say in my meetings. Everyone relapses, you made a great accomplishment. There is always a fail with every success. Just keep moving forward man. The bupe does take a while to get out of your system, trust me I was on it for 9 months, or should I say I was a zombie for 9 months. The effects will go away, just keep aiming for more days clean! :)
 
You needed that welbutrin to raise your heart rate during your downer and opiate binge,

12 stepping is good in intial recovery, Dont let past remind us of what we are not now. Good luck im here for ya..

Dont let them bill wilson fanatics confience you that you have a uncurible disease and that you need a hug.

Russia has something better than NA you dont even have to step you just lay there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7gHp5lHg0o
 
Last edited:
Ok. I need to be honest. If not here then where else?

I relapsed twice last week: monday and thursday. Monday was (400mg codeine, 40mg temazepam and 50mg diazepam) and Thursday was (24mg bupe, 50mg zolpidem and 120mg oxazepam). And booze both nights. I know that codeine and bupe are 'weak' and all that - I agree - but after 110 days clean they were both way too much.

Monday I was too wasted and fell over in the shower and my housemates called the ambos. I had to spend the night in hospital. That was embarrassing. I really wanted to bail so I kept trying until this security guard just clotheslined the shit out of me and they put me out.

I think those two days have set me back to the start. I am yawning and sneezing constantly, have a runny nose, can't focus on anything and am getting nothing from the Wellbutrin. WHY THE FUCK man. WHY would I fucking do that shit!!
 
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