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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Ready to Kill Myself

So... I have been gone for quite some time & now I am back.... Isolated myself, thought it would help. But actually, it made me feel even more depressed. I am on medication now and talking to a therapist, which I don't think is actually helping at all. I always put on a fake face when I talk to her, as I do with everyone. Which isn't very therapeutic, Ive learned.... I'm trying to be optimistic though... But it is harder than I thought.
 
Just remember that if tomorrow never comes, then nothing can ever change... for bad or good. well, for you at least. the rest of the world will keep spinning in the same bullshit that it always has. you're not the first person with shit for parents, and that's really unfortunate. but being an orphan isn't always bad. It means you can choose your own family eventually. or not, if you're like me.
stop dwelling on the shit, and appreciate instead the nightly dawn of a hundred billion suns. insignificant worries melt in the face of that kind of beauty.
 
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last night i felt extremely depressed and couldnt sleep all night, but even though ive dealt with suicidal thoughts since i was about 13 or so, i would never go trough with it. the mood changes and a day or two later, a year, whatever, you look back and wonder why. if you did end your life [or someone else's, or something equally desperate and permanent!] there would be no looking back in a positive way. also drugs like opiates and coke wreak havoc on your sense of well being...as does isolation. im also really bad at being optimistic, but i just dont see suicide as an option because of how much devastation it wreaks not only on your relationship to other humans but also to God/the universe. death comes to all, no need to hurry the process, and add to the huge amount of pain that is already in life. [with addiction, negative thinking, not only suicide]. it does help hugely to express yourself even if it means being a fool sometimes

this thread as well as a couple others are making me feel optimistic about not going back to hard drugs and possibly ruining my natural sense of self for good. everyone together now, of course...
 
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