Hey Chinup!
I'm glad you're here. I've been thinking of you.
Addiction is a motherfucker. No doubt about it. I was really angry because I wanted to get high and didn't the other day. I get really sick and tired of being the voice of reason sometimes. I feel like walking out the fucking door, and not looking back sometimes.
I have saved my husband's life -well over 20 times. Honestly. Last week he OD'd, to the point I had to use 2 4mg ampoules of Narcan. My nerves were/are shot.
His OD's are from amateur moves. What long-term, IV dope addict doesn't know not to mix benzos with heroin. And forgets they took 4mgs of Klonopin?! Uuggh. If I drank, I'd do a couple shots of Jack Daniels.
He came out of the bathroom, mumbled something, and collapsed to the floor. Then, quickly started turning death white with his lips purple.
I jump up, grab Narcan, kneeling next to him, saying , "WHAT did you do?!" Start trying to bring him around, calling his name,slapping his cheeks. Threw water on him. Nothing. Start CPR. Clocks ticking. We're going on 3mins of not breathing. Im waiting for that sudden gasp. Didn't happen. I said, "I'm sorry!". Administer Narcan. Nothing. HOLY FUCK. Repeat the above. Run and grab a bucket for him to vomit in, and a blanket to cover him. He's yelling "Why?! Why?!". It was a nightmare.
As I said, I've gone through that many times. It never gets less terrifying. Or less stressful. There's never a "thanks for saving my life. Again. ".
What pisses me off is when I'm having cravings, he has the audacity to lecture me. Seriously?!
Yes, I'm the voice of reason. But, I never said I was perfect.
I understand your feelings chinup. I'm feeling the same way today.
Maybe relapses are part of it. Sometimes. But, I promise, they get harder and harder to come back from. There's no using without consequences. Think it through. A thru Z. What would the consequences be if you relapse.
You definitely, definitely need support. So do I. I feel like I'm drowning right now. But, one thing I know for certain, if I go full-time again, it will be an even worse situation.
I do know how difficult dealing w trauma, past and present is. We can't do this alone.