progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

[cj]

Hey Chinup!

I'm glad you're here. I've been thinking of you.

Addiction is a motherfucker. No doubt about it. I was really angry because I wanted to get high and didn't the other day. I get really sick and tired of being the voice of reason sometimes. I feel like walking out the fucking door, and not looking back sometimes.

I have saved my husband's life -well over 20 times. Honestly. Last week he OD'd, to the point I had to use 2 4mg ampoules of Narcan. My nerves were/are shot.

His OD's are from amateur moves. What long-term, IV dope addict doesn't know not to mix benzos with heroin. And forgets they took 4mgs of Klonopin?! Uuggh. If I drank, I'd do a couple shots of Jack Daniels.

He came out of the bathroom, mumbled something, and collapsed to the floor. Then, quickly started turning death white with his lips purple.

I jump up, grab Narcan, kneeling next to him, saying , "WHAT did you do?!" Start trying to bring him around, calling his name,slapping his cheeks. Threw water on him. Nothing. Start CPR. Clocks ticking. We're going on 3mins of not breathing. Im waiting for that sudden gasp. Didn't happen. I said, "I'm sorry!". Administer Narcan. Nothing. HOLY FUCK. Repeat the above. Run and grab a bucket for him to vomit in, and a blanket to cover him. He's yelling "Why?! Why?!". It was a nightmare.

As I said, I've gone through that many times. It never gets less terrifying. Or less stressful. There's never a "thanks for saving my life. Again. ".

What pisses me off is when I'm having cravings, he has the audacity to lecture me. Seriously?!

Yes, I'm the voice of reason. But, I never said I was perfect.

I understand your feelings chinup. I'm feeling the same way today.

Maybe relapses are part of it. Sometimes. But, I promise, they get harder and harder to come back from. There's no using without consequences. Think it through. A thru Z. What would the consequences be if you relapse.

You definitely, definitely need support. So do I. I feel like I'm drowning right now. But, one thing I know for certain, if I go full-time again, it will be an even worse situation.

I do know how difficult dealing w trauma, past and present is. We can't do this alone.

Jesus. That's rough.

But your right in that there are always consequences from using. Even if they aren't immediately apparent

 

[Stargazer]

And what did I feel like doing, after I brought him back? You guessed. Of course, getting high.

We're just reacting to stress the way we're used to. I used to think taking something, or doing a shot was a quick fix. I now realize I'm taking the long way. Kind of like, instead of putting my kitchen supplies where they belong when I'm done with them, throwing them wherever, in the bathroom, bedroom, living room -to quickly get them out if sight. Then, trying to cook a meal.

Using does that to my life.

How are you cj?

 

[cj]

I'm feeling better. I am going to try not to use again. But I probably will. I need to get a job but I'm getting agoraphobic as fuck.

 

[Stargazer]

I didn't know you used. Shit. I know you're stressed af right now.

The agoraphobic thing is something I've struggled with my whole life too. The anxiety and panic attacks perpetuate that vicious cycle.

I have faith in you cj. You're still getting acclamated to your new surroundings. It seems huge at first. You'll get there. Baby steps.

I'm glad you're at least feeling a little better.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Fucking hell SG that has to be horrible to go through over and over again, and not be able to do anything. it must be really scary just never knowing if he's going to be alive when you get home either.

well. i'm exhausted. i've used a lot of energy over the past few days and put a lot of shite in my body. but i had a super super fun times. i rocked out to punk rock all weekend. which is like my spiritual home honest to god.

i drank for the first time since fuck knows when, started on orangjeboom black which is 8.5%. i actually left my wallet at home and had to borrow money off my friend, who is really my only decent friend in the world. but that was a god send cos drinking did make me crave other drugs and i'd have destroyed my relationship with him if i'd have gone nuts. we had a bit of coke one night. the other 2 nights i had to get my energy from adrenaline from moshing.

only problem is it turns out that thing they say in NA about it being hard to stop when you start again is true. over the weekend i was stealing my mates mum's solpadeine which is paracetamol + codeine, i know stupid with drinking but fuck it. yesterday and today i've just but eating strips of ibuprofen + codeine and i literally don't know why i'm doing it. i bought some cos i was slightly rattling and had to get out, but argh its fucking annoying if i do opiates i wanna do heroin. i feel pretty pathetic.

i'm not beating myself up about the weekend cos it was fun and it really did do me some good to just get smashed for once but this needs to stop now!! i met a friend for coffee earlier and told her what/how much i'd had and she looked genuinely concerned and said if my stomach starts hurting i need to go to hospital. i don't wanna be hospitalised for a really shitty attempt at an opiate high. i might just fuck it off and try and buy some dark tomorrow.

i don't really know where this puts my recovery. all the progress i made is still there. i don't know what i'm gonna do about NA.

 

[jdfisse]

I hope you make it back to a meeting. The shame is in not making it back.

 

[jdfisse]

I have been through numerous traumas in my life, sexual abuse, violent physical abuse, verbal abuse, but no trauma is greater than getting hit with or hitting someone with narcan (or bupe). I definitely have empathy that you continue to endure that Stargazer. It sounds like it has been normalized. That may be the saddest part of all of it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well i've been back to a couple of meetings.

i'm still like umming and aaaahing. i'm not doing any program any more so to speak. haven't meditated or read my just for today in weeks. and i feel fine. so maybe i don't need it. i won't ever hear about the people who give up NA and are fine and don't need it from within NA, cos they aren't there. so i don't know. i am partly doing it to indulge my self destructive urges, because i don't have any outlet for them anymore apart from not doing what i'm supposed to. stupid thing is i think i was getting a lot out of meditation so i really should pick it back up.

this sertraline is fucking nuts. like i found it really weird at first cos honestly my head is just empty. like nothing going on. i was worried and didn't like it at first but now i feel like it just feels like my head is empty cos there isn't this constant like fucking screaming going on in there. i don't think any of the thoughts that weren't having a negative effect on me have stopped, but its just they were drowning out everything, so now the negative thoughts are gone it feels empty. maybe peaceful.

i'd been massively put off antidepressants cos venlafaxine screwed me when i came off it, and i thought the doctor prescribing them for ptsd was just a cop out, but its really helped. i don't want to use either after my little lapse.

not feeling like shit constantly has somehow fucked my motivation to work though. i was working loads cos i needed money for the next thing to make me feel better. now i don't need to buy something to feel better so i don't need money so i'm not working as much even though i really actually DO need money cos i'm in so much debt.

 

[cj]

I have the same issue about work. Now that I don't have a habit to support finding motivation to do something I hate has been difficult.

I'm glad the AD is working for you!

 

[Jabberwocky]

i'n fucking relieved its helping. on 52% of people with PTSD get any benefit from sertraline so its partly good luck.

yep doing something you hate is hard enough when you need the money for a habit, i'd never do what i was doing to support my habit clean, but what i am doing is bad enough. i'm a bit more motivated now the new month has started cos i need to earn enough to cover my bills for my house that's just sitting unoccupied right now cos i can't live there.

its looking fairly positive that i'll be able to start a job that is basically picking up my career where i left off soon. just some things to clear up. if it doesn't go through i don't know what i'm gonna do cos i doubt i'll have better luck elsewhere. i think i'm ready to get back to a real job, once i've finished my final therapy course i risk stagnating otherwise.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey chinup!

I'm glad you've found meds that help. That's huge. It's not easy to find something helpful.
.
I'm sorry you're struggling through. Keep getting back up, as you have been. That's winning. Always, always get back up.

I love your lady of light title!! We need to have a "Ladies of Light" group. There's so many amazing, strong women on BL. I've been thinking that. Outside upside, a cancer survivor, Lovemissile, 8thday, VastEmpty, Debbie Combs', P0kemama and more...we have some incredible women here. I love it.

I love the "Ladies of Light" idea. How did you put that under your username with the crowns? Is there a space for that now, with BL being updated? That's awesome that you were able to do that - it took me a couple years to get my username back.

I appreciate the info. It would be really great to acknowledge all of our amazing, strong women. Thanks!

Hope you're well today.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm feeling better. I am going to try not to use again. But I probably will. I need to get a job but I'm getting agoraphobic as fuck.

I got that way for a while when I first made a major life move. I think you are still trying to feel comfortable and get situated. It's alright man. There's no time limit on recovery. If you're making progress you're making progress. If you're using less or planning on getting on the right medication to stay clean, then you're doing the right thing. Just keep believing in yourself. You have options, you have choices and you deserve a chance at a great life that I know is in store for you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

ha stargazer the lady of light thing is cos i won some photography competition in life advice and visual arts, i have no control over it and i'll lose it when the next competition is over. sorry i can't be more useful!!

i probably wouldn't permanently want to call myself lady of light cos light means crack over here, so its kinda ironic lol.

well i've had a good week. i still haven't heard about this job which is killing me a bit. its looking positive but til i've got a contract i don't trust it. i did a meditation retreat at the weekend, not been to NA in a week now, not on purpose just been busy,

my stomach is doing my fucking head in. it has not been good since i got back from holiday. and i think what's normal for me would be considered not good by most people, so not good is really really not good. i have a drs appointment on monday about something completely different, but i'm going to have to bring it up. GPs appointments in the UK you're only allowed to bring one problem in per appointment cos otherwise people save them up and then they overrun massively.

i found out that the first night i took mind altering substances in nearly 7 months, it ended up on the internet. i don't look as wasted as my mates little bro though.

 

[Jabberwocky]

yassss!!! i am officially going to be picking up my career where i left off. well i don't have the contract yet but i can't see what can go wrong now. fucking hell.

no idea how i'll cope with a job but i have to cos i probably won't get another chance like this.

 

[Jabberwocky]

fuck me today i learnt just how fragile recovery is. someone who, apart from one lapse drinking, was close to a year clean, just gone. she relapsed on Monday and already, after 4 days looks an absolute state. i considered her a good friend. at the end of the meeting she told me she loved me, then said she wanted to ask me something. i immediately thought she was going to ask me for money, then thought i was being unfair, she can't be that far gone in 4 days. then she asked me for money.

i'm pretty devastated tbh. never ever befriending any hard drug users from NA ever again. i met her when I was still using and thought she was amazing cos she had about 4 months clean at that point. from my position, being unable to get 10 mins clean when i had money, that seemed impossible. and i felt sure that you must have built up something pretty strong in a year.

this is the first time in my recovery that i've honestly felt like i never want to do crack or heroin ever again. not just for today. for fucking ever. next month i'll pick up my career where i left off, doing science that may really help people, i cannot end up like her. i hope she makes it back into recovery.

i'm trying not to let the part of my brain that wants me to relapse on this get a thought in, i know people get years clean from this shit, so its not pointless to try.

i feel pretty hopeless cos she deserves so much better. i wish i could help her but i can't. its pretty unfair, she was living in recovery houses, usually they let you off once or twice, but she needed naloxone on monday so they chucked her out. cos her dying in there would have a negative impact on other peoples recovery. so in the course of a day she nearly died, lost her home, and went into a full on relapse.

 

[cj]

I am learning that sober houses are not really a good idea in practice. Shits crazy

 

[Rio Fantastic]

fuck me today i learnt just how fragile recovery is. someone who, apart from one lapse drinking, was close to a year clean, just gone. she relapsed on Monday and already, after 4 days looks an absolute state. i considered her a good friend. at the end of the meeting she told me she loved me, then said she wanted to ask me something. i immediately thought she was going to ask me for money, then thought i was being unfair, she can't be that far gone in 4 days. then she asked me for money.

i'm pretty devastated tbh. never ever befriending any hard drug users from NA ever again. i met her when I was still using and thought she was amazing cos she had about 4 months clean at that point. from my position, being unable to get 10 mins clean when i had money, that seemed impossible. and i felt sure that you must have built up something pretty strong in a year.

this is the first time in my recovery that i've honestly felt like i never want to do crack or heroin ever again. not just for today. for fucking ever. next month i'll pick up my career where i left off, doing science that may really help people, i cannot end up like her. i hope she makes it back into recovery.

i'm trying not to let the part of my brain that wants me to relapse on this get a thought in, i know people get years clean from this shit, so its not pointless to try.

i feel pretty hopeless cos she deserves so much better. i wish i could help her but i can't. its pretty unfair, she was living in recovery houses, usually they let you off once or twice, but she needed naloxone on monday so they chucked her out. cos her dying in there would have a negative impact on other peoples recovery. so in the course of a day she nearly died, lost her home, and went into a full on relapse.

I've had similar experiences. I was in a rehab for 6 months, and about 4 months in a whole bunch of the "senior" members who had been there way, way before me and relocated to the area all relapsed at once. It was really surreal and shook the foundation of my belief in myself for a while. Try not to let your mind seize on this as evidence of the futility of trying to recover, use it to remind yourself how powerful the drugs we are trying to beat are. Remember her face if you ever have that insidious "maybe just once" thought. I'm personally not a fan of NA/AA, but isn't a vow to never ever befriend a hard drug user again a violation of the 12th step?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I am learning that sober houses are not really a good idea in practice. Shits crazy

yep they leave you fucked if you end up struggling.

thanks Rio- i'm actually quite glad she was in such a state, not for her, but for me, there was nothing attractive about the state she was in, either physically or mentally. it really does bring home how powerful it is.

i never knew any of the people i used with before they got addicted so never saw the change. seeing someone who was healthy a week ago with their skin fucked from itching and completely out of it is much more shocking that someone you've only ever known as an addict so have no basis of comparison for.

its made me a bit reflective about what i must have been like, how awful it must have been for people who care about me. knowing something intellectually pales in comparison to experiencing it. i definitely will be thinking of her if i get that 'just the once' thought.

the 12th step is to 'carry the message to the still suffering addict' which i can do without texting them throughout the week, meeting for coffee regularly, etc. plus i don't know at this point if i can really do the 12 steps, i can still carry a message, but i can't see how you can have a non-supernatural higher power that can have a will for you in the sense that people in the fellowship mean. i will offer people support within the confines of the meeting and on here etc, but i was quite close to this girl. yesterday was heartbreaking.

now its had time to sink in, this will sound cold, but this is really good for my recovery. its made me realise how precious it is. how easily it can be undone. how much work it takes. how, now matter how confident you feel, how much work you've put in, the risk of using is so fucking high. its ramped up my determination.

i'd sort of dropped it a bit, like starting to tell lies i didn't have to just cos it was easier, which i didn't feel good about and wasn't a good sign. i'd also started getting complacent, thinking that i maybe could drink, even though my '2 drinks' a few weeks back turned into wasted on alcohol/coke/benzos/codeine, for 3 days, then more codeine for the next week, should have thoroughly disabused me of that notion. but i felt like cos i'd stopped eventually, it was ok. now i realise i got lucky and can't be taking that risk again.

i just got off the phone with another friend from NA who said she was at the meeting tonight in the same state as yesterday. poor fucking girl.

 

[Stargazer]

That sucks about your NA friend chinup.

The lesson I believe is being cautious and discernment. Not writing off your friend either. Something I say alot, is "Everyone gets a turn in the driver's seat", meaning, right now (and pray-fully always) that's you.

You may need your friends support one day. The roles may be reversed.

It's not a good idea to go hang-out w them while they're using, as that obviously could jeopardize our sobriety.

But, let them know, while you can't be with them if they're using, you definitely will be there when they're ready to stop. If you feel you'd want to be I mean. It seems you like this woman quite a bit when she's sober.

My prayer is that she turns it around quickly. And hopefully, you two can resume your friendship.

 

[Jabberwocky]

ah yeah i should probably have made that clear. i've not written her off, i've been texting her trying to give her some encouragement. i'll completely welcome her back if she gets clean again and i hope she does. its so heartbreaking that i don't really want to put myself through that again. i'll do anything i can to support her but don't really want to have to do it again, at least not for the near future, maybe when i feel a bit more emotionally stable i'll be a bit more forthcoming.

i don't see what her options really are now, she can't go back to the local recovery homes, if she got into other recovery homes, i doubt she'd be able to stay clean, her mum doesn't want anything to do with her while she's using, her dad's abroad. if she ends up in a hostel then she'll be around loads of addicts so won't stand a chance. it doesn't look good. hoping for a miracle for her.