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progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

thanks. i'm trying to be. i found staying clean through february relatively easy but i'm already genuinely surprised i've made it this far through march. its not that i want to use its that i don't want to face the damage i've done and i know i can escape it forever. that same feeling made me very reluctant to go to rehab and start recovery.

over the past few days i've done more reaching out for help off my own bat than i've ever done before so that's something.

i'm so glad i'm going on holiday in a week.

someone on Friday night said, approximately 'if the literature didn't say that recovery is available to any addict, i'd have called you a hopeless case because you were just so off key,' he the complimented me on my progress and gave me a lot of encouragement but its fucked with my head a bit. my head would love for me to be a hopeless case, so that i can just go back to using and die as quickly as possible not to draw out everyone's pain. but even having that insight instead of twisting it to convince myself i am a hopeless case is progress.
 
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chinup said:
thanks. i'm trying to be. i found staying clean through february relatively easy but i'm already genuinely surprised i've made it this far through march. its not that i want to use its that i don't want to face the damage i've done and i know i can escape it forever. that same feeling made me very reluctant to go to rehab and start recovery.

over the past few days i've done more reaching out for help off my own bat than i've ever done before so that's something.

i'm so glad i'm going on holiday in a week.

someone on Friday night said, approximately 'if the literature didn't say that recovery is available to any addict, i'd have called you a hopeless case because you were just so off key,' he the complimented me on my progress and gave me a lot of encouragement but its fucked with my head a bit. my head would love for me to be a hopeless case, so that i can just go back to using and die as quickly as possible not to draw out everyone's pain. but even having that insight instead of twisting it to convince myself i am a hopeless case is progress.
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Yeah well it seems every person with more then six months is a self appointed expert on addiction. They aren't. That dude doesn't live in your head in fact he barely even knows you. You get to decide how this plays out.
 
cj you’re right. though right now i don’t feel able to make good decisions for myself. i am struggling again. usually i bounce back but this time i’ve had too much back to back. i’m not planning to use right now but i’m sorta thinking that once i get out of my parents, and get a job, i’ll be able to afford a smack habit easy again, and it’ll make everything just go away. and maybe this time i won’t hate myself cos i tried recovery with all my heart and life was just too excruciating.

i’m petrified my sponsor is gonna relapse and i can’t do the finding a sponsor, going through my life story etc all over again. i've been through it 5 separate times since i came into recovery and it gets easier but still leaves me feeling hopeless and numb. my sponsors been through so much shit recently and is having using thoughts.

i’m getting massive benefits of my recovery- playing music on saturday was loads of fun and i genuinely feel excited about being in a band. going on holiday on friday to somewhere that i’ve been told is just breathtaking.
 
All you have to do is get through today. You don't know how you will feel in a few months. I know hard to imagine never getting high again. I just try not to think about it like that. I get some comfort knowing heroin isn't going anywhere. That game will always be there if I decide I want to play.

Enjoy your holiday!
 
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Chinup,

What cj said is so true, and gets me through too. Heroin isn't going anywhere any time soon.

All of the stuff you're going through is normal. It's an hour to hour thing. That's why when you finally get clean, it's such a victory. It's hard.

Having a plan in place for when this stuff hits us helpful. Like calling someone you feel comfortable with. Sometimes something simple like getting out of the house and getting coffee or whatever you.like helps enormously. Just getting out of your head.

You've had those negative tapes playing in.your mind for a long time. It takes time to change the tape playing to a positive one.

You really don't want to start doing heroin again. You've fought hard. It's alot of blood, sweat and tears to stop. I'm here for you Chinup. ��
 
thanks guys!! everything you both said is really reassuring.

yeah, i guess i could start treating heroin the way i do suicide. i developed this strategy whereby i allow myself to commit suicide this time next week if i've felt the same way the entire week. it always makes me feel better cos the options there, i don't feel so trapped, and i'm still here.

and 10 you're right, stopping is took difficult to take on that task again lightly. i think what's knocked me so bad is that i actually had nearly a month of mostly goodness, or at least neutral, and i was silly enough to think i was out of the woods.

i should make a plan. i should call my sponsor but i just don't feel i can bother her at the moment.

i got told today that in terms of brain chemistry, 6 months (me in 2 weeks hopefully, by some fucking miracle!!) is a big milestone so i should hopefully start adjusting soon.

i am so so so glad that on sunday night i will be in a tent in the wilderness, and i'll be in the wilderness for the next week. walking and walking and walking. this time last year i was smoking the price of this holiday in 2 days every time i got paid, being completely broke the rest of the month but somehow still using daily (i'm genuinely mystified by how i did this now), and ever leaving england was just completely impossible.

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edit. i've just realised something frustrating. i am so pleased i'm going on holiday because i realise i need time off and it will give me some, in a way, though it'll be the hardest thing i've ever done fitness wise. if i weren't going on holiday i have no idea if i'd be able to give myself the time off that i need and i don't know why this is or how i can learn to give myself a break.

this is a recurring issue for me- in my phd i started drinking to oblivion cos i didn't feel guilty about not working when i knew i couldn't work. in my last job i started smoking crack every day cos i went back to work too soon after a virus and was exhausted. so its been disastrous for me.
 
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Enjoy your holiday! It sounds refreshing. I miss camping. I was planning on making a trip down to Everglades National Park last month, but no one knew how long the government shutdown was going to last, so I've probably missed the window for camping until it cools down again late in the year. Otherwise it's too hot and there are too many bugs for it to be pleasant, not to mention the daily, violent thunderstorms that blow through during the hot and rainy season. You kayak between these elevated, open-air huts built on stilts above the water, called "chickees" that were used by the Seminole Indians.

There is a place I'm thinking of going in on with a friend on Sanibel Island. They have an off-season special: 4 nights for the price of 3. She did it two years ago and she said it was hot as hell during the day, but you just do your thing in the mornings and evenings and siesta during the day. The Gulf of Mexico beach is right across the street, and there is a small marina there, so I could take my sailboat as well.

https://castaways-cottages.com

I haven't been away for well over two years. Being a slave to your addictions doesn't allow much time for that.
 
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Thanks! My body and brain know they can rest now and tiredness has hit me like a train so hoping for an early night. Walking starts Sunday and the desert sounds perfect to me right now. No civilisation!

Kayaking between islands sounds mint and the cottages you linked look lovely. I hope you get away somewhere soon it sounds like you need it.
 
You're going to a desert? In which part of the world? Travel safe!
 
I'm hiking to petra in jordan, it'll take 6 days. Then got a few days sightseeing.
 
Wow that sounds amazing! Be sure and post pictures when you get back! Petra is definitely on my bucket list, and Jordan is one of a handful of Arab countries that don't discriminate/bar entry to Jews or Israelis.
 
I will! Fuck I did not know they barred entry to jews that sucks. I knew there was beef cos I can't go to Israel cos, I've been to iran, don't get visa waiver for thea states either which may be annoying if a conference submission gets accepted I'm just grateful I'm not barred for life though, would be if id kept up using much longer.

An amazing thing happened yesterday. My mum gave me cash to give my sister. 6 months ago she wouldn't trust me with a bus fare.

Last time I stayed at my sisters it was at noa notice cos I couldn't even make a train connection when I was using. I was losing my shit. It was actually nice last night.
 
Another positive aspect of being clean - regaining trust and credibility. Nice.

Enjoy your well-deserved holiday chinup! Take lots of pictures for us to see.
 
Looking forward to hearing about the hike and the ruins, chinup. If I ever make it to retirement, I would like to go on the Shikoku Pilgrimage in Japan, where you travel between 88 Buddhist temples on the island. It's about 1,200km (~750 miles) and takes about 3 months to walk it, which I would do (or walk at least most of it) for ascetic reasons.

In 2002, I hiked from Cuzco to Macchu Picchu. That took about 5 days and covered roughly 80km (50mi). On the last day, we got up stupid early and arrived at Macchu Picchu at sunrise. Seeing the sun rise over the ruins and eastern Andean cloud forest was like having a religious epiphany. And we got a few hours on the ruins before the train showed up and dropped off the hordes of tourists. But even with all the people that visit Macchu Picchu on a daily basis, the ruins are so expansive, it never felt crowded.
 
You guys are so interesting and inspiring - hiking to Macchu Picchu aih? I don't know alot about hiking, but I know what a big deal Macchu Picchu is.

When I think of vacation, I think the usual like tropical, beach, cerulean blue water, etc. But, doing something different, as you two have sounds amazing.

I hope you're taking lots of pictures and having the time of your life chinup. ❤️
 
Hope you're having a nice vacation honey, you certainly do deserve it and I'd love to hear all about it when you get back!!

xo,
Ash,
 
Hey all,keeping this short cos typing on my phone is an arsr,but I survived! I hurt my knee so couldn't do all the walking but I couldn't run ten minutes this time last year so I'm pleased with myself. Camping and walking is fucking exhausting but I'd do it again.

I've got a couple of days sightseeing now then back to the grind. 6 months clean this time next week. Thanks for all the well wishes. I'll tell you more when I get back.
 
Hello Chinup!

Sorry about your knee! Im glad you're still enjoying yourself though. I'm looking so forward to hearing all about your trip.

Be well, and enjoy yourself. ❤️
 
The knee is getting better, turns out I was sharing a tent with a doctor (she kept it quiet til the end) who considered getting me evacuated at one point but I managed the hardest walks, and didn't miss petra which was my main worry.

I've developed a huge affection for amman. I was worried being a woman on my own, in other Muslim countries I've got bugged all the time, but its been fine. It's chaos but its possible to cross roads without having to follow a local. My hotel room is right by a mosque and the call to prayer makes it atmospheric rather than being a disturbance. Though I swear its every 10 mins, not 5times a day.

Usually when I'm doing good I don't have drug dreams but I've had two on this trip. Last night I dreamed that as soon as I got back, I was in the same state I was before I left, white knuckling it, and got a shot cooked up to do straight after getting my 6 month keyring from na. I feel like a different person to two weeks ago so I'm trying to interpret it with a sense of gratitude, that I don't feel this way, than as a premonition. I've had a real, sustained, sense of stillness since I arrived that I hope to keep up, but the reminder of what hell my own brain puts me into has made me slightly uneasy.
 
The dreams will disappear over time. I had them all the time for the first year. I don't remember the last time I had one now.
 
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