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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Perhaps there is no hope...

Pill please dont leave here. Ignore anyone who sends vibes that bother you! I think we all need each other right now. We are all here for a reason.
 
I'm not leaving, I'm just struggling. Tears come easy these days and I'm not quite sure what I need to find my peace and to get my brain "well", but I'm trying...
 
Pill we all need time to heal. We are at varying degrees of physical and mental pain at the moment. It's what brings us together :)

Tears are very cleansing to the soul.
 
Pillthrill said:
I'm not leaving, I'm just struggling. Tears come easy these days and I'm not quite sure what I need to find my peace and to get my brain "well", but I'm trying...
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PT you're not seeing a therapist at the moment are you? If not, I strongly recommend that you do. You need as much support as possible to get through this.
It might even help to have Anthony go with you for some sessions just so he can a) vent his own thoughts/emotions about the situation, and b) learn more about what you're actually going through.

It is hard but you WILL get through this hun <3
 
No money for counselors, I've seen so many and it never helps.
No money for anything really, cats have fleas and nothing can be done at we are down to just Ramen noodles and ice tea, no sugar.
I don't control the money, cause I still can't find a job.

Another fight today. He is mad that I took 2 klonopin (mom still pays for the meds) when I woke up anxious and suicidal this this morning, I mean plotting things how I could do it suicidal, but not acting on it.
He things I should go 100% drug free RIGHT NOW.
He says he "doesn't feel sorry for me" if I keep having to take pills.
The dr say 3 times a day I take it once and he is enraged.
I thought about going to my mom's for the day, but they weren't awake yet.
I guess I'll trash all the meds and see if I can live through it or continue to take what I need and lose everything...
I'm just fucked either way and I feel like each time I try to cope, his feelings for me wanes.

FUCK I seriously hate this!
 
I feel like that is giving up on us. I don't really feel welcome in my home, cause THIS is my home.
and I know it would be half a day and I would come back. But I am seriously thinking about going over there at least for awhile...
I have friends that I can hang out with today but they live out of town, and again gas money isn't something I have.
I feel so hopeless. Here I am thinking about hanging myself in our basement, I take something to ease my mind and all I get is yelled at. He just doesn't understand. No my brain can't be normal on drugs, but I can't stop 6 different drugs suddenly all at the same time. That doesn't work either! god help me...
 
You have enough to deal with right now without having to deal with that. Deal with the opiates take the kpins as needed and spend some time with you parents.
 
pillthrill-u need to listen to the advice on this thread..we arent giving it to you to try and ruin your relationship or make u unhappy...many of us have been there kicking and we know what works and what doesnt...the situation you place yourself in right now, kicking drugs AND dealing with boyfriend issues has 'DOOMED TO FAIL' written all over it..you need to get away from him into a stable environment where you can get clean from the drugs..im not talking about just for a day or two, that is nothing, im talking about for a few weeks at least!!u have been taking tramadol for 4 years so your head is not going to magically clear up in a week or 2, this is a LONG process, a lifelong process...plus, you are taking other drugs as well so you really need to talk to some professionals so they can get you clean...get a clear head and THEN you can deal with your boyfriend and those issues..there are more issues here than just drugs i am seeing and they are not going to be dealt with by posting on the dark side..tell your boyfriend you need to go away for a little while and im sure he will back you if he truly loves you...it is quite clear the methods you are using right now are not working well, u need to try something different...
 
Things exploded at home today. I'm not sure if he kicked me out or I left. I'm at my parents and laying low for awhile. Until things cool down... I have no idea who long I will be gone. I left with my purse, my phone and the clothes on my back...
 
I've been reading through the pages, and to me it seems like you're trying to deal with too much at once. In one post you discuss your pill addiction then in the next you talk about problems with your bf. I think it is good you are out of the house, you need to help yourself before you do anything with your relationship. Remind yourself, the world is how you see it. Even with chemical problems, the brain is more powerful than any drug you can take. If you continue to tell yourself you aren't happy because you don't have drug X or Y then you will be unhappy. So you have no money, can't you go outside and jog? When I was in intense withdraw from opiates the only thing that made me feel even half-decent was a exercise. Any type, just getting your endorphins flowing again will help. And if at all possible, choose weed over any of that other shit. You say you can't afford it, but then you talk about using hydros...so I know there is some money somewhere. Remember, opiates are TEMPORARY, natural endorphins can be permanent. You just gotta exercise and have a positive outlook on your situation. Even watching some inspirational videos can help; watching Muhammad Ali speak about mental toughness and strength of will helped me a ton when I was in detox.
 
Pill, were things different between you and Tony when you had a job? Is any of his attitude from having to support you now? Some guys just don't want the burden of being the only support in the house. In my day it was fine for a woman to stay home and keep house (which I still do) but now days not sure if people can afford that or even expect that. Maybe he wants you to clean up and take responsibility for yourself and your life? Just a thought...

Your parents home will always be there for you and always be your home too. Parents get weird when the kids are happy and adjusted. Maybe your folks are sensing that with you? Seems like a lot of tough love to me :)
 
Pillthrill said:
Things exploded at home today. I'm not sure if he kicked me out or I left. I'm at my parents and laying low for awhile. Until things cool down... I have no idea who long I will be gone. I left with my purse, my phone and the clothes on my back...
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This is a good idea hun, just for a little while. Your parents will ALWAYS be there for you and welcome you in to their home. Always.
Please take care of yourself and do not let those suicidal thoughts get the better of you. You will get through this!! <3
 
Hey guys,
Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm ok.
Clean of opiates. :)
And right now I'm ok with that.
Still taking the Kpins but I hope that I can get a job and just replace that with marijuana. It helps me a lot more and is a lot less addictive.

But yeah, all hell broke lose but then the dust settled and I relized he was really stressed too. We were broke, broke, broke, broke. And then my whining didn't help.

So last night he went to work with family to clean out a flooded basement to make some money. Reduce his stress.
And I went out and spent time with my friends and indulged in what I can handle and Anthony is ok with.
And I'm far less stressed (other than stats, anyone wanna help me with that??)
I woke up at my friend's, didn't feel like stayin in the big house alone.
No reason to.
We chit chatted watched a movie, and he made me some LOVELY herbal fruit tea.
Very relaxing post party way to start the day.
Then I went home and cleaned and got things done.
Idk, I feel happy today. Not sure what it is but thank god I can feel happy again!
Anthony came home in a good and loving mood too. Just himself again. <3
I'm making progress. One day at a time. :D

I will be on BL less however, I have found that it causes cravings. I hear about people being high and I get jealous and crave and nothing can be done about it so I get frustrated. So its best I cut my 8 hours a day of BL, to like an hour, just to check out a few threads and my messages.
YOU CAN ALWAYS MESSAGE ME AND I WILL GET BACK TO YOU!
Once a BLer, always a BLer. Especially in TDS!

Thanks for all the support and I'm looking forward to continuing to recover and things going up and up!
And some HAPPY (not from last night) pics in cause I'm been such a downer. I want you all to see a smile. Even if it is HOT and makeup is POINTLESS. :) Thats Iowa. :)
Where is Colin with our plane tickets to Wales??? :)

BrooseCruise3-1.jpg


All the love in the world <3
PLUR Always!
PT
 
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Pillthrill.. im not sure if ud remember me but i remember seeing you here all the time a couple pf years back now, when i racked up most of the posts i got.....this thread seemed hell hetic to start but damn it is sure good to read the last post:\
now im back here in a world of shit, its really great to see that ur off tha trams and feeling just a little more better, and that u continue to get on the track that u want:)
best wishes<3
 
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