Pillthrill
Bluelighter
I don't bring any of this where trolls are!! TDS is the only place I take the serious business.
Anthony and I talked tonight, I had a good try and told him what I needed. I thinks will be better. More later.
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Perhaps there is no hope...
- Thread starter Pillthrill
- Start date
I don't bring any of this where trolls are!! TDS is the only place I take the serious business.
Anthony and I talked tonight, I had a good try and told him what I needed. I thinks will be better. More later.
is Anthony an addict in any way or have any education in this area??if he doesnt, its going to be impossible for him to understand where u are coming from...no matter how hard he tries, addiction is something you have to go thru to understand..
yeah i definitely recommend ditching the alcohol and any kind of downer..that will just make things much worse, trust me on that...as for escapism i would recommend music or if you have dogs, take them for a long walk out in the country...thats what helped me get some kind of perspective on things..i still felt like shit but it helped...
yeah i definitely recommend ditching the alcohol and any kind of downer..that will just make things much worse, trust me on that...as for escapism i would recommend music or if you have dogs, take them for a long walk out in the country...thats what helped me get some kind of perspective on things..i still felt like shit but it helped...
GanjaCat
Bluelighter
People seldom realise, without pain and suffering there is no happyness in life. That is to say, if everything was good and fun and happy, good, fun and happy would be boring and life would be worse off. Keep you head up and you'll make it through; the grass is always greener on the next field of life.
I hope things start to look up soon =]
I hope things start to look up soon =]
QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
^^^
This is true, you gotta experience the lows to truly appreciate the highs of life.
This is true, you gotta experience the lows to truly appreciate the highs of life.
Lysis
Bluelighter
Ain't that the truth. Makes you appreciate them so much more.
oh yeah and btw, its a pretty big mistake to diagnose someone when they are going thru opiate withdrawals...going thru opiate withdrawals, its like being bi-polar times 1000 with the emphasis on the negative effects...when u detox u need to EXPECT that there will be times you will be suicidally depressed, times when u wont have the energy or motivation to turn on the tv and flip the channels, times when you have no desire to even wake up...if you expect these things it makes the journey a little easier...i remember these terrible times and then out of the blue i would have short 20 minute of bursts of optimism and happiness, then back to the gloom...this went on for months...it gradually evens out eventhough it feels never-ending..
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Anyway, Anthony and I got into a fight last night. It ended well. I told him that I felt that he wasn't supporting me.
He said that he didn't want to coddle me and thought I was strong enough to handle this all on my own. I let him know that I don't need coddling but I do need validation of my feelings. I need to feel like he LISTENS to how I FEEL and CARES. That this is so much harder than I make it out to be most days. (No, Anthony isn't an addict, he quits drugs like it is nothing).
He wondered if he can quit drugs so easy because of his attitude towards them is it is no big deal. I told him that he and I have different make up and drugs are harder for me.
I told him I feel sad, empty, and scared this will not end. I think he is going to take an effort to understand that I am in pain, you just can't see it. The snappy comments aren't because I'm mad, its because I'm hurting! Terribly! I had a good cry about it, and I think that helped him see how much this had been hurting me. Some days the pain I feel is like an elephant standing on my chest. I believe all this "Deep depression" feeling is coming from not having the Tramadol.
He did it for idk, a month now and then, I had done it for 4 years. Also, he always wants better for me and when I say "I can't do this, it hurts, I hurt." I get, "Buck up, deal with it." I told him I need more positive reinforcement. I quit mostly for us and I need him to see that.
I hope things will be better now on.
And Anthony agrees with you guys, alcohol is a bad idea. It just ramps everything up. If I feel like crying sober, lord knows what happens when I'm drunk right??
One day at a time. I'm actually almost in tears writing all this, just due to the fact that everything is so "raw". The drugs covered it all up. If I had a bad day, if my car won't start, if I'm sad, the drugs were always the answer. Like every addict. Now I have to experience these emotions untempered and its hard.
I wish there was a way to gradually feel the emotions so I don't feel them all so hard and head on. But this is the road to sober...
This is step 1 of life change. It just makes it harder to work on step 2 (work and school) because of my emotional state.
But I'm fighting. Still.
He said that he didn't want to coddle me and thought I was strong enough to handle this all on my own. I let him know that I don't need coddling but I do need validation of my feelings. I need to feel like he LISTENS to how I FEEL and CARES. That this is so much harder than I make it out to be most days. (No, Anthony isn't an addict, he quits drugs like it is nothing).
He wondered if he can quit drugs so easy because of his attitude towards them is it is no big deal. I told him that he and I have different make up and drugs are harder for me.
I told him I feel sad, empty, and scared this will not end. I think he is going to take an effort to understand that I am in pain, you just can't see it. The snappy comments aren't because I'm mad, its because I'm hurting! Terribly! I had a good cry about it, and I think that helped him see how much this had been hurting me. Some days the pain I feel is like an elephant standing on my chest. I believe all this "Deep depression" feeling is coming from not having the Tramadol.
He did it for idk, a month now and then, I had done it for 4 years. Also, he always wants better for me and when I say "I can't do this, it hurts, I hurt." I get, "Buck up, deal with it." I told him I need more positive reinforcement. I quit mostly for us and I need him to see that.
I hope things will be better now on.
And Anthony agrees with you guys, alcohol is a bad idea. It just ramps everything up. If I feel like crying sober, lord knows what happens when I'm drunk right??
One day at a time. I'm actually almost in tears writing all this, just due to the fact that everything is so "raw". The drugs covered it all up. If I had a bad day, if my car won't start, if I'm sad, the drugs were always the answer. Like every addict. Now I have to experience these emotions untempered and its hard.
I wish there was a way to gradually feel the emotions so I don't feel them all so hard and head on. But this is the road to sober...
This is step 1 of life change. It just makes it harder to work on step 2 (work and school) because of my emotional state.
But I'm fighting. Still.
Everybody feels this way about their relationships some of the time. Thing is if a relationship lasts very long there will be periods where a partners are going to sort of coast and not put in a maximum effort on communication,validation, etc.Pillthrill said:
If a relationship is constantly a lot of effort it is heading towards problems as surely as little or no effort causes problems imo. Do you have some other people you can lean on when your partner has given as much as he is willing to give for the moment?
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Not really. Friends confide in me, I find it hard to confide in them. That is why I am here so often.
Today, I feel so strange. I feel stir crazy and of course no one can SEE it. Psychological withdrawal is killing me here. I'm starting to feel VERY Alice In Wonderland...
She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. `But it's no use now,' thought poor Alice, `to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!'
CATERPILLAR: Who are you? ALICE:
Why, I hardly know, sir. I've changed so much since this morning, you see...
CATERPILLAR: No, I do not C, explain yourself.
ALICE: I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know.
CATERPILLAR: I do not know.
ALICE: I can't put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn't clear to me.
Plus certainly feel like I feel down some kind of terrible rabbit hole! I plan on spending some time with my family tonight, giving Anthony some space from the mess I've been...
Plus I miss them terribly I just hope they don't notice how on edge I am! AND, that I have the gas to get there... Anthony left without giving me any money for the tank...
I don't feel like I'm IMPROVING, I feel like I'm falling backwards here actually...
Perhaps I have even lost it completely, who knows at this point. All I know is my brain is VERY unhappy and lost and it doesn't look good for either of us!
Today, I feel so strange. I feel stir crazy and of course no one can SEE it. Psychological withdrawal is killing me here. I'm starting to feel VERY Alice In Wonderland...
She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. `But it's no use now,' thought poor Alice, `to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!'
CATERPILLAR: Who are you? ALICE:
Why, I hardly know, sir. I've changed so much since this morning, you see...
CATERPILLAR: No, I do not C, explain yourself.
ALICE: I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know.
CATERPILLAR: I do not know.
ALICE: I can't put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn't clear to me.
Plus certainly feel like I feel down some kind of terrible rabbit hole! I plan on spending some time with my family tonight, giving Anthony some space from the mess I've been...
Plus I miss them terribly I just hope they don't notice how on edge I am! AND, that I have the gas to get there... Anthony left without giving me any money for the tank...
I don't feel like I'm IMPROVING, I feel like I'm falling backwards here actually...
Perhaps I have even lost it completely, who knows at this point. All I know is my brain is VERY unhappy and lost and it doesn't look good for either of us!
SirTophamHat
Bluelighter
Honestly, it sounds like you are doing well right now. You are addressing your worries logically and haven't resorted to escaping from the uncomfortable sobriety. It seems from reading your posts that you generally understand your own psyche and where the negative feelings come from. Especially after trying to quit after doing tram for 4 years (right?) it should be expected to feel crappy.
Hell, I am on edge myself right now and it's not even been 48 hours since I last got high or had a drink. At 17 I had just started to know what being high or drunk was like and now five short years later it is a struggle for me to go more than a day without some sort of crutch.
Anyway, I know it seems like you are in a lot of despair right now but the fact that you are cognizant of what's going on around you and to a degree WHY makes you stronger. Just try to distract yourself any way you can, personally I like to make little to-do lists, for some reason it helps. Also spending time with pets is a good way to help makes things a lil more placid.
I feel silly trying to give advice being in such a rut myself but I know that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better and you can't know how long that will be with a relapse.
Hell, I am on edge myself right now and it's not even been 48 hours since I last got high or had a drink. At 17 I had just started to know what being high or drunk was like and now five short years later it is a struggle for me to go more than a day without some sort of crutch.
Anyway, I know it seems like you are in a lot of despair right now but the fact that you are cognizant of what's going on around you and to a degree WHY makes you stronger. Just try to distract yourself any way you can, personally I like to make little to-do lists, for some reason it helps. Also spending time with pets is a good way to help makes things a lil more placid.
I feel silly trying to give advice being in such a rut myself but I know that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better and you can't know how long that will be with a relapse.
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
No, thank you. That is really what I needed right at this moment! 
trust me, that deep sinking depression is definitely due to opiate withdrawal..dr drew has a few good audio clips on this exact subject online..u can google him if need be..he said its basically like the brain is comitting suicide without the opiates, that deep dark despair is part of the gig..i always looked at it like payback for all the euphoria i had while on the drugs..paying the piper...
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
4 years of paying the piper???
I hope I can even MAKE it!!
I searched, and can't find exactly what you are talking about with Dr. Drew.
He has gotten quite popular lately. Could you direct me a little bit more toward the link?
Thanks
I hope I can even MAKE it!!
I searched, and can't find exactly what you are talking about with Dr. Drew.
He has gotten quite popular lately. Could you direct me a little bit more toward the link?
Thanks
Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,758
As weak as your brain might feel to you now you should keep reminding yourself that its healthier than ever before.
Tram is NOT just opiates wds. It inhibits the reuptake of adrenaline and I'd rather not go into detail about what that means in terms of time. But I know specifically that adrenal receptors upregulate instead of down regulating like opiate receptors do.
What the means essentially is the receptors literally multiply in your body. So when you naturally excrete adrenaline (from ANY type of stimulation) you have more receptors to respond to that adrenaline. This is why imo adrenaline can take longer than any other neurotransmitter to stablize.
Can you ever actually feel the adrenaline secrete when you are stimulated? It will feel like a slight burning feeling in your chest when you get nervous, or almost like a shot of anxiety right in your chest. But sometimes you can physically feel it happening.
Do you notice yourself getting nervous real easily? Anxiety and irritability? Those are also symptoms of opiate receptor upregulation but the opiate receptors only really aggravate your adrenaline response system. And it can really fuck with depression too. I'm just trying to make you focus a little less on traditional opiate wds and more on the adrenal side of tram which is where it always hit hardest for me.
Do you have any betablockers? Any clonidine? If not exercise will speed up the healing by lightyears. Do you find yourself fatigued but with a hint of nervous stimulation? I hate to say it but you can have waves of anxiety and depression for weeks even months after stopping the tram. You seemed to be doing good at one point which I saw as a good sign but just try your best to fight through this. It should slowly get better by the day and you've already got through the hardest part imo. But I'm very suspect to thinking a lot of what your experiencing is actually from adrenal fatigue, not mu opiate upregulation.
Heres a list of adrenal fatigue symtpoms:
•Insomnia and non refreshing sleep
•Fatigue and a feeling of exhaustion
•Lack of stress management
•Cravings for salty and sweet food items
•Extreme sensitivity to cold
•Low stamina and low recovery from body exercises
•Low immune response
•Cognitive dysfunction and memory loss
•Lack of concentration
•Detachment
•Premenstrual syndrome
•Trembling and palpitation under pressure
•Reduced sex drive
•Low blood pressure
•Neck pain and back pain without any significant reason
Do you have any of those symtpoms I'm thinking your suffering is not from the opiate effects of tram as much as the adrenaline effects.
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Pillthrill
Bluelighter
^ I feel like I'm trying to jump out of my skin, sitting still is hard, I feel edge and the need to move. Is that what you're talking about?
I took A (one) Kpin but it isn't help much. I want a bowl or a cigarette (and I don't smoke cigarettes!)
No beta blockers and not clonidine. Just kpins, seroquel, ambein and alcohol.
If I want to function and not make a fool out of myself, 1 kpin is the only choice.
I HAVE WAVES OF THIS?! While I'm trying to out myself together and Anthony thinks 1 week out and your fine?
Oh god help us both.
Any other ideas on how to take the edge off would be great. I really don't want to take it out on Tony but I feel that it might not be unavoidable. Great I do this for us and I'm afraid the psych w/ds just make me snappy and what not. You can only say sorry so many times!
I took A (one) Kpin but it isn't help much. I want a bowl or a cigarette (and I don't smoke cigarettes!)
No beta blockers and not clonidine. Just kpins, seroquel, ambein and alcohol.
If I want to function and not make a fool out of myself, 1 kpin is the only choice.
I HAVE WAVES OF THIS?! While I'm trying to out myself together and Anthony thinks 1 week out and your fine?
Oh god help us both.
Any other ideas on how to take the edge off would be great. I really don't want to take it out on Tony but I feel that it might not be unavoidable. Great I do this for us and I'm afraid the psych w/ds just make me snappy and what not. You can only say sorry so many times!
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Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,758
The seroquel doesn't do anything for you? Maybe you're not taking enough?
I just remember the last time when I cold turkeyed I remember seroquel doing A LOT to take the edge off. It really sedated a lot of that hyper "wanna jump out of my skin" stuff and lowered by blood pressure a lot too which I would think would calm you down a fair bit.
I'll try to think of other things but alcohol specifically always made my withdrawal worse. If you think about it even if you're not experiencing a full out hangover the next day you are still most likely having anxiety rebounds that have to make your situation worse. Everything else looks fine except the alcohol, and of course pot is great too but it looks like you're out.
I just remember the last time when I cold turkeyed I remember seroquel doing A LOT to take the edge off. It really sedated a lot of that hyper "wanna jump out of my skin" stuff and lowered by blood pressure a lot too which I would think would calm you down a fair bit.
I'll try to think of other things but alcohol specifically always made my withdrawal worse. If you think about it even if you're not experiencing a full out hangover the next day you are still most likely having anxiety rebounds that have to make your situation worse. Everything else looks fine except the alcohol, and of course pot is great too but it looks like you're out.
Hey PT, sorry I didn't get to reply in here yesterday. You know what though? It sounds like you're doing great hun! You already sound a bit better than yesterday and I'm sure it will continue to get a little bit easier every day. It sounds like the argument you and Tony had last night was a productive one, which will help in the long run as well. Communication is the KEY in relationships, you both need to keep telling each other how you feel. Now he knows how difficult this is for you, so he's in a better position to help you now.
Keep it up though hun, you're doing great. I'm proud of you!
Keep it up though hun, you're doing great. I'm proud of you!
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Ok, things still not going well. I tried to talk to him today. He says I'm still acting "funny". I told him I have been taking 1 -2 mg kpins a day to take the edge off and he thinks I should try to come off that. SO I'm being asked to come off all my pain kills (Tramadol and Tylenol 3) and my Kpins, not to mention he doesn't think I should drink since it makes my emotions worse. I agree but still, AND that I should stop smoking weed because I need a job. All the others are legal but the one that he is ok with and that helps, weed, I can't have either. I'm so frustrated. I'm afraid I will never be the same. I'm not sure what to do. Obviously since it is 5:30 I cannot sleep either.
I am supposed to deal will quitting all these drugs AT THE SAME TIME, while trying to take a math class (I have a math learning disability that means I can't even pass 4th grade math and I have to pass college stats) and test of of a computer course WHILE filling out applications and going to interviews for jobs that I don't even want and I don't know that I can handle at this state.
I think that too much is being asked of me but no one can see it cause it is all psychological!! And now he doen't like me taking medication that was given to me before, but now can be used to help! Not to mention giving up weed! That is my only hope but one dirty test and I'm fucked!
And no, Anthony tries to get it but he doesn't. Perhaps after seeing me going through this he will wiki Tram w/ds but idk, he doesn't trust what you all say cause, well you're a bunch of drug takers that tell me what I want to hear I suppose... I have no idea.
Those of you that understand where I am coming from and are willing to offer your support in what feels like a horrible battle, please PM me. I would PM you call individually but I don't even know what to say...
Needless to say, I can't sleep and my head is just spinning! And this is with the 2mg klonipin that he says makes me act "funny".
P.S. After 2mg Kpins, and digging and raking in the yard at 5am, still no sleep. Guess I'm going to my "Imagine the Possibilities" interview without sleep...
I am supposed to deal will quitting all these drugs AT THE SAME TIME, while trying to take a math class (I have a math learning disability that means I can't even pass 4th grade math and I have to pass college stats) and test of of a computer course WHILE filling out applications and going to interviews for jobs that I don't even want and I don't know that I can handle at this state.
I think that too much is being asked of me but no one can see it cause it is all psychological!! And now he doen't like me taking medication that was given to me before, but now can be used to help! Not to mention giving up weed! That is my only hope but one dirty test and I'm fucked!
And no, Anthony tries to get it but he doesn't. Perhaps after seeing me going through this he will wiki Tram w/ds but idk, he doesn't trust what you all say cause, well you're a bunch of drug takers that tell me what I want to hear I suppose... I have no idea.
Those of you that understand where I am coming from and are willing to offer your support in what feels like a horrible battle, please PM me. I would PM you call individually but I don't even know what to say...
Needless to say, I can't sleep and my head is just spinning! And this is with the 2mg klonipin that he says makes me act "funny".
P.S. After 2mg Kpins, and digging and raking in the yard at 5am, still no sleep. Guess I'm going to my "Imagine the Possibilities" interview without sleep...
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Lysis
Bluelighter
Tell him you will taper, if you want. I don't know...I don't really agree with pushing someone to do something they don't want to do, even if it is drugs. But, at the same time, I can understand why you would do it if you are worried about your SO.
See, I would suggest stopping the alcohol to compromise, but honestly that is stupid if you're just doing it for him. You gotta want to do it for yourself.
The weed thing is true...might wanna nix that until you get done with the applications. You don't want to get denied just for a dumb piss test, ya know?
See, I would suggest stopping the alcohol to compromise, but honestly that is stupid if you're just doing it for him. You gotta want to do it for yourself.
The weed thing is true...might wanna nix that until you get done with the applications. You don't want to get denied just for a dumb piss test, ya know?
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Oh guys! I'm slipping and chipping.
Anthony has been so helpful too. Taking a hot bath with me and giving me a massage and showing gentleness to try to get me to relax and be able to chill... and I'm chipping.
I have 2 hydros left though...
I have a Dr. Appt on Thursday for a physical. I think I'm going to talk to her about how I'm trying to stop the Tramadol cold turkey and I have ( I haven't had ANY TRAM)! And that I'm feeling very very edgy and not myself and the kpins aren't really helping.
Any ideas as to what I should ask her for?
Bad PT, Bad bad bad!
And I know I can't just flush the other 2. But it will get me to my appt I guess.
Then I MUST MUST be behave.
I'm trying not to smoke weed either! I wish I had money to buy a substitute. But that is another thing I think will help that I can't have... I don't even smoke cigarettes and I want to smoke just cause I "Feel" it will help!
I'm trying to get my life together. Get clean, get a job (the interview went great, I'll be super surprised if I don't get it. I had a panel of 6 people interview me, they were all taking notes, asking questions and smiling and nodding and even laughing. Me on caffeine with no sleep, I hope I worked. I had to even write an essay! But like I said I think it went well.) and finish the hardest part of school and keep everything all healthy and happy.
You all have been so supportive, especially belfort who has been sending me PMs Thank you! And I feel like I'm letting you all down, myself down by chipping. Plus I stole to get them. I hate me sometimes. I feel even more guilty confessing all of this WHILE high. I suck. I just hope I don't give up!
P.S. Thanks for the info Bo! That explains why I don't feel the typical opiate nastiness. But what you are talking about when I don't have it. I don't sleep and I act as if I've had too much coffee when I've had none!
Anthony has been so helpful too. Taking a hot bath with me and giving me a massage and showing gentleness to try to get me to relax and be able to chill... and I'm chipping.
I have 2 hydros left though...
I have a Dr. Appt on Thursday for a physical. I think I'm going to talk to her about how I'm trying to stop the Tramadol cold turkey and I have ( I haven't had ANY TRAM)! And that I'm feeling very very edgy and not myself and the kpins aren't really helping.
Any ideas as to what I should ask her for?
Bad PT, Bad bad bad!
And I know I can't just flush the other 2. But it will get me to my appt I guess.
Then I MUST MUST be behave.
I'm trying not to smoke weed either! I wish I had money to buy a substitute. But that is another thing I think will help that I can't have... I don't even smoke cigarettes and I want to smoke just cause I "Feel" it will help!
I'm trying to get my life together. Get clean, get a job (the interview went great, I'll be super surprised if I don't get it. I had a panel of 6 people interview me, they were all taking notes, asking questions and smiling and nodding and even laughing. Me on caffeine with no sleep, I hope I worked. I had to even write an essay! But like I said I think it went well.) and finish the hardest part of school and keep everything all healthy and happy.
You all have been so supportive, especially belfort
who has been sending me PMs Thank you! And I feel like I'm letting you all down, myself down by chipping. Plus I stole to get them. I hate me sometimes. I feel even more guilty confessing all of this WHILE high. I suck. I just hope I don't give up!P.S. Thanks for the info Bo! That explains why I don't feel the typical opiate nastiness. But what you are talking about when I don't have it. I don't sleep and I act as if I've had too much coffee when I've had none!