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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Perhaps there is no hope...

When you come out on the other side you will be an infinitely stronger person and able to handle anything life throws at you.

For now you'll have to dwell in hell until you get the call up to limbo.

George Harrison said it best: "All things must pass"
 
This is what I'm giving the Dr for symptoms on Thursday perhaps she can offer some help...

Insomnia
Fatigue - body aches
Anxiety - edgy -feeling "amped", like i've had too much caffeine, panicky
Restless
Inability to lay still - constantly moving my feet when I lay down to try to sleep
Unable to deal with stress - short tempered
Feeling "not right"
PMS like symptoms...
 
Uped the Seroquel and the Kpins..t
that is all.

My relationship, seems rocky. But I'm not sure if it is me or him..
 
Pill, is Tony worth all this shit? You aren't married yet are you? I'm sure he's a great guy but sweetie you cannot live your life to suit someone else! I did it for many years but quit a long time ago. My marriage got better when I grew a backbone! Still far from perfect but I find happiness with things not related to him. Geeze before that starts to sound odd, no I am not seeing anyone else nor would I. I'm sleepy :)

Don't drink. Alcohol is not safe with opiates and benzos etc. Don't taper too fast or go cold turkey because Tony will be happier if you do. Think of it like a diet. When we go on those stupid starvation diets we lose quickly and then what? Yep, gain it all back plus some. Same with the drugs I bet. And FFS, do NOT light a cigarette! No way should anyone take up smoking knowing what it causes to happen in your body! That's just silly.

Rethink it all till it makes perfect sense to you Pill. Not what Tony wants, what you want!
 
No we are not married. Adn yes he is worth it. Apparently he wanted to beat the game before he had to send it back and he wont' be playing anymore I believe.

Anthony and I had a long stoned, honest convo. last night.
He let me know if I had lost it ( like I have before on other drugs) and he could have pointed it out that it was 100% Tram craziness he would have been gone.
This came as a shock to me! I was SO SO close to losing EVERYTHING!
I love this man!
He told me that its not his job to tell me what to do, I'm growing and changing as a person and I need to make my own life choices.
But I feel like I wasn't given a fair warning, no ultimatum no intervention, nothing.
He said that he was starting to hate who I was when I was high...
Its all so difficult for me to think about. I know he loves me for who I am but the drugs are so hard to give up.
I would be easier if I had weed, he says it doesn't change who am like the prescriptions drugs do, but the choice is up to me. Well duh. No more pills.
I just feel like he was far to pragmatic about it... like I would have been blindsided and devastated.
I understand that he loves me, he just don't love me when I'm not me cause I'm on drugs and he was tired to making excuses for me as to why I couldn't come or why I said or did things when I was pilled out. I just pray I can not touch the stuff cause the consequences may not be something I can bare.
 
Pill as long as you want to do this for you first then all is cool. He is correct that it's not his job to tell you what to do. A, he isn't your daddy and B, he isn't your owner :) You don't need a warning because then it's like he is telling you what to do. You get a warning when the light signal turns amber and then either slow down or speed up depending on many variables. In life you get that amber light from your gut Pill. You just feel it. If you don't then someone needs to point it out to you and then you are reverting to being a child again. I get the impression you are an adult!

Make absolutely sure that none of what he is telling you is a cover for anything else he feels. In other words if he is commitment phobic and using this to slow things down then make note. Take care of yourself first! You are always more important than anyone else.
 
In my past relationships I have been emotionally abused, dominated and controlled to the point I was unable to leave the house, and I was also controlled as far as what I could wear and how I should dress so this is all so new and confusing to me, add quitting drugs and not knowing how to cope with that well, I feel kinda lost.
 
Don't quit for anyone other then yourself. Also tapering off is the best way to get off benzos going cold turkey is very fucking dangerous and hellish. Good luck to you.
 
I was addicted to Xanax in 2000? I was taking 20mg of Xanax a time. Just because I didn't want to deal with it! I quit cold turkey with no issues so I'm not concerned.
I guess its saying goodbye to all happy and euphoric feelings of an opiates is difficult.
 
You keep saying "opiates." Are we talking opiates opiates or just tramadol? I've done 100mg-200mg of Tramadol every day for a few months and really it isn't all that bad. Yeah, the dose was not that high, but I don't think yours is either?

I'm not even an opiates user and I really don't think tramadol is all that horrific compared to the REAL opiate stories we've seen here.

Something to consider - is this really all that bad or are you making it seem worse than it is?
 
Lysis, I am not even sure what trams are but I do think that Pill feels what she feels because it is compounded by several other things. She may not now be living as a submissive but reading what she has written so far and then these last few posts and I now totally get what she is going through!

Pill, please PM me if I can help you. I do know what you went through first hand.
 
Wait I'm confused.. are you using hydros now? How many did you have?

If you're gonna use hyros you might as well just go back to tram. You basically took a tram imo, actually something stronger than tram. People say tram wds are hell, and I believe them, but don't think for a second that hydro will be prettier. I mean its somewhat a weak opiate, but still enough to take you out of this sober game.

Order some kratom if you have to "chip", it got me a week out of my taper and now I'm done with it.
I'd also like to say I think half of what you're feeling now is still lingering head wds, but I also think half is the relationship you're in. 3 days in a row things are rocky and you guys are on bad terms.. than 1 good day comes and you love him again. Can't you see how much of an addiction love is? If its not making things better than it can ONLY be making things worse.

I'm trying to imagine though how much better off you'd be single. You seem quite depend on this guy emotionally, even though the majority of those emotions appear to be quite shitty.

I'm not telling you to break up with him, I DO however see that easily becoming an excuse to use again. And breaking up becoming an excuse to use again.. or the way you feel becoming an excuse again. You do have quite a lot of excuses. Thats why maybe you're problem isn't the multiple of meds you're on, maybe the problem is your thought process.

Can't you just chill? I mean I know how innately ignorant that sounds, but seriously, when I'm losing my mind like you I DO reach a point where I realize if I don't chill the fuck out I'm gonna spiral out of control and just make things worse. You need to learn what "emotional brakes" are. Detach, dissociate, meditate, do whatever you need. And as far as to what to ask the doc for, ask them for clonidine.. if its not too late already. I think out of all the stuff you're taking that will actually do something. That and some kratom. But be careful with kratom as not everyone reacts to it well. I still see a ton of people handling PWDs fine with it, which is why I recommend it.

Like Lysis said directly above "is this really that bad or are you making it seem worse". I honestly don't care what evidence you have to say you're not, YOU ARE. Anyone who's read your posts knows that. Its your thinking thats screwing you up. Even in a weakened state you CAN exercise some mind control. If you have a problem doing it, get a book on NLP right now. Read it, and you'll have about 10 thousand tricks to thinking better.

Thats all I can say. I'm not trying to stir you up but you need to look at your life more objectively and less with the emotions that are tainting your reality. I really wanna see you get through this part of your life and just be happy. I DO think you can reach a happy point, you're a smart friggn girl and fully capable.
 
Help me please said:
Lysis, I am not even sure what trams are but I do think that Pill feels what she feels because it is compounded by several other things. She may not now be living as a submissive but reading what she has written so far and then these last few posts and I now totally get what she is going through!

Pill, please PM me if I can help you. I do know what you went through first hand.
Click to expand...

I'm not discounting her issues, but I don't see fluidity in the issue. I'm wondering if the issue is not really this "opiate addiction," but rather an underlying cry for attention.

Some people thrive on the attention from "issues" they endure. After a while, you see that the issue is not really the drug but rather using the drug to draw attention from someone. That is what it seems to me.

Like I said, I took tramadol long term, albeit a low dosage, and it really isn't bad at all to quit. I don't think she is taking that high of a dosage either.

If the goal is attention, then it might be more prudent to look at other issues and focus on a different problem. It seems to me like the more the BF argues, the more she feeds on this "opiate addiction." The fact that she calls it an opiate addiction in and of itself lends to the possibility of an exaggerated issue for attention. I'm wondering if the issue is not drugs but rather the attention she gains from her boyfriend thinking she has an "opiate addiction."
 
Both, tram was always my favorite, but there was codeine and vicodin and anything I could get ahold of. Tram works better for some people, and not for others... it worked like the pure happiness flowing through my body and its just something people don't tend to get.

And I've done the cry for attention shit, I have and some remember. I'm not in physical pain but I'm not right. My brain is not right. I feel like I'm lost in a world I do not know and I have no idea who I am without the drugs... and the depression without them is pretty bad...

The amount of Tram I would take would vary, depends if I was trying to be good or not. I've taken upward of 1000mg a 4 or 5 times, usually tried to stay around 800mg and then was able to taper to 400mg before I saw the signs that if I didn't quit I was going to lose my relationship. So I flushed it and quit cold turkey. (other than the chipping, I don't get as high off Vics (hydros) I do tram if that gives you any perspective for it's effect on me)
And yes, I am dependent. I don't have a job. Can't find one. I live with him, he feed me. I'm going to school, and I interviewed for a job that I thought I nailed...but still not call back on that one. I don't want to be dependent. Trust me.

And no, I get no attention because I have "an opiate addiction", he has no issues quitting drugs. His deal, is I'll ignore you if you're high, go crazy on tram again or not quit and I'll leave, and coming off...just do it. I'm not going to be there to hold your hand or anything. The end.
 
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Hey girl I hope you are doing better. I have dealt with addiction, depression and countless disorders with my ex wife. While I can't say I have personal experience with all of them I have dealt with them on a level that few people can understand without walking in my shoes or yours but still don't claim to understand it all. We all go through our dark periods but somehow things seem to work themselves out. Who gives a shit what others may think you are here for your own reasons and shouldn't think twice about posting your issues or feelings. I think you are a beautiful person inside and out from what I have seen and read. Every time I see you post something it makes me smile! Especially you pictures! Just like everyone else here if you need someone to talk to or cry to I am more than willing to listen and am never judgemental.
 
Lysis said:
You keep saying "opiates." Are we talking opiates opiates or just tramadol? I've done 100mg-200mg of Tramadol every day for a few months and really it isn't all that bad. Yeah, the dose was not that high, but I don't think yours is either?

I'm not even an opiates user and I really don't think tramadol is all that horrific compared to the REAL opiate stories we've seen here.

Something to consider - is this really all that bad or are you making it seem worse than it is?
Click to expand...

Lysis I see what you're saying but we need to remember that everyone reacts differently to drugs, withdrawals, and all the psychological issues that come with getting clean. There's no point in comparing different people's experiences when it comes to this kind of stuff.
 
^^exactly...when i took tramadol i didnt even get a feeling of improved well-being or anything...no high or euphoria, just felt tired but that isnt to say others wont get high from it...comparing withdrawals is an entire different matter..

pillthrill-you can only take on one oobstacle at a time..you cant be detoxing from an opiate while at the same time confronting boyfriend issues...you need to tackle the drug problem first and THEN deal with the boyfriend situation because if u dont, they will get tangled up and the mess will continue..u have a PM btw..
 
n3ophy7e said:
Lysis I see what you're saying but we need to remember that everyone reacts differently to drugs, withdrawals, and all the psychological issues that come with getting clean. There's no point in comparing different people's experiences when it comes to this kind of stuff.
Click to expand...

Yeh I have to mirror this today just due to the fact that I broke down myself pretty terribly. So a lot of the reason I'm hard on pillthrill is because I think I need to be that hard on myself. But being hard on people definitely doesn't always fix their problems.
I was hard on myself and was ready to take myself out today because of it.

So I DO have to say that people DO just react very differently to wds. She very well can still be living in a nightmare all this time after tram. God knows today was like day 8 off pods and I relapsed, but I did it because of the amount of suicidal thoughts I was having today. I definitely don't want pill thrill to feel like I did today, so even if she needed to go back to some sort of opiate I honestly can't tell her not to do it.
I just want to see her clean and happy, and myself clean and happy, but the process isn't always a straight line to liberation. Sometimes you need to devise, strategize, go back to using, than give it a shot when you're in better spirits.
So whatever pillthrill winds up doing I support her completely. And don't take last post to literally PT that was posted about 8 hours before I had a breakdown myself today. We're all charting very rough waters here. And we'll all be here for each other when we need help.
 
To be honest, this thread really pushed me last night.
I took my seroquel and crawled into bed with a stuffed animal.
Anthony came over, and said "You have the bear, something must be really wrong."
I cried until I couldn't breathe, I felt a emotional pain that was so deep that it hurt physically.
Quitting Tram has messed with my head and he knows that even living here in the world is hard for me right now. The depression is crushing and nothing can be done but to wait it out.
I had my last opiate slip on Thursday, there will be no more.
I need to get my mind right, the chemicals are all out of balance and bottling them doesn't help. I tried to come here to get it out but it hasn't worked so well.
I hope that the pain of last night's experience will help in the long run. I don't want this to be seen as a cry for attention, just wanted my too tell someone that living like this is hard, that the suicidal thoughts have returned and I'm scared.
I plan on staying off the Vicodin that I've been trying to use to cope and learn to cope naturally. 4 years of Tram and other drugs being my solution to every bad situation, every bad feeling, this world can seem so painful when there is nothing to keep things at a distance.
But I guess this will be a learning process.
 
Lysis said:
Even the most put-together person on the outside can have some emotional pain on the inside.



I'm probably the poster child of a successful person (finally....took me 3 years to get here),



but I have found that I am lonely and crave companionship.
Click to expand...

I see contradictions in your post....with an ego worse then
mine when I'm on speed.

to the other person, the SNRI effects of tramadol cause a discontinuation syndrome like, say, venalfaxine/effoxor. (or somewhat similar to the crash of amphetamine, just its not only a few hours but a few weeks) And since it is actually and truly a k,d,and mu agonist, opiate withdraws as well.
 
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