People are rude.

[TheAppleCore]

I've always been a pretty socially distant fellow. I've never been able to fully connect with anyone. The very closest people in my life seem relatively distant, when I look at the deep relationships that other people can somehow find. As sad as this may sound, I don't think I can say I ever had any true friends -- not even people I talked to on an almost daily basis for years.

One of the barriers separating me from other human beings is, simply, a perceived lack of courtesy. People hurt my feelings. They really do.

A few examples:

The other day, I was chatting with my sister, and mentioned some odd trivial factoid, and she cut me off -- "nobody cares." I almost started to cry.

Last Friday, two people promised to call. The phone didn't ring once.

I made plans with a friend to get together one morning. After being totally unable to contact him that morning, he tells me he forgot about the plans and overslept.


Maybe this seems silly, but I just can't get over this shit. It fucks with my head. Is anyone else like this? Is the secret to just forgive people? If so, how?

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

It's not about forgiving people necessarily, it's about realizing that the little things that comes out of people's mouths isn't where it's at. It's the intention behind them that matters, and why they have such intentions. If you can perceive why a person might say something the way they say it you have a better ability to respond to it and not get hurt by it.
Would you get hurt by a completely destitute hobo with a peg-leg and ridiculous BO and holes in his clothes calling you a "rich, stuck-up piece of shit" you'd probably shurg it off pretty quickly because it's so obvious to see where he's coming from. It's much harder to tell where "normal" people are coming from because they all dress and live and act within a certain set of standards, so they blend in, but their inner characters could all be in vastly different places, but it's the same concept. If they have a problem with you, and say something rude because of it, it's hardly a reflection on you at all. Just like a man in the dumps has a hard time saying something truly devastating to a man with a great life, you should get to the point where ANY one has a hard time saying anything devastating to you.

Was your sister really trying to just be mean to you outright? And, what did you say to her about it? You can often diffuse situations like that by not internalizing it, but deflecting it immediately by being like "...geeze you didn't have to say it like that..." is far healthier than dwelling on that and thinking about it to the point where it hurts you and you want to cry. Maybe she was thinking that you were just trying to be a "know it all" or something, or maybe she has little patience with trivia, or idk...there's all sorts of places that she could've been at in her head that made her think that was an acceptable thing to do.

And people are flakey too. You gotta have back ups and back-ups of back-ups. That's just networking I guess.

 

[gsx2ts4u]

I think there are some people who simply feel things greater then other people. I am one of those people. I get hurt very easily and its very hard for me to let go of it. I try.. and I usually brood in secret. I am a very emotional person. I cry easily. I rarely get angry but I do get hurt often. This is one of the reasons I have very few friends that I would actually count on for anything. People tend to let me down a lot or use me all together to gain something.

Hugs,
Jeni

 

[hustlababy09]

You're like me. You have a heightened sense of emotional intensity. When someone forgets to call, a "normal" person would be upset but they would brush it off. We would be extremely hurt and let it continue to bother us. You value your relationships (probably more than most people do). You need confirmation that your friends, family, etc. care about you as much as you care about them. When you have that mindset, it's hard to forgive people because you are genuinely hurt. People on this board can be extremely rude, and although they are complete strangers, what they say hurts my feelings a lot. It's hard to forgive someone when you are sincerely hurting. You need to try your best to forgive, but never forget. Don't let people walk all over you just because they mean a lot to you and you value them in your life. Someone that constantly lets you down, forgets about you, etc. isn't even worth having in your life. I know it's hard, but just try to brush off the small stuff and worry about the more important things in life. Believe me, it will make things a lot easier.

 

[MyFinalRest]

Sorry to hear about this. Lots of people seem to be like that these days. People in the U.S. have lost the ability to connect, so it's not likely your fault. People are just phony like that 'cause they can't be real enough to be honest about getting in touch with someone or to be able to keep any plans.

 

[Care]

I guess my best advice is to just tell yourself that it doesnt matter, even if you dont feel that way. Also, maybe its just my personality type, but I tend to use humor to get a point across to people even if the subject matter is serious, people can be more receptive to that. If you present yourself as overly emotional to other people then sometimes they can get tired of that type of thing. Fake it till you make it.

 

[undead]

A few examples:

The other day, I was chatting with my sister, and mentioned some odd trivial factoid, and she cut me off -- "nobody cares." I almost started to cry.

Last Friday, two people promised to call. The phone didn't ring once.

I made plans with a friend to get together one morning. After being totally unable to contact him that morning, he tells me he forgot about the plans and overslept.


Maybe this seems silly, but I just can't get over this shit. It fucks with my head. Is anyone else like this? Is the secret to just forgive people? If so, how?

Something that I picked up in your post that I find interesting... I'm also a really socially distant person. Ironically, I'm much closer to people who live much farther away. I'd assume it has a bit to do with the fact that we don't see each other much and therefore can't get sick of each other so when we do get together, it's only good times. The funny thing that I found interesting, however, is that all your examples... are what I'd PREFER to have happen. The response to your factoid... not so much, but I don't mind when people get shitty with me like that because I'm usually more than willing to get into a battle of wits or insults. I just love to argue. :D

When people say they'll call, I'd prefer they don't. Sometimes I'll not answer my phone and say that I didn't hear it (I'm a shitty person). It's not because I don't like them, but because I'm really VERY closed off and private with people I care not to invest significant time or feelings to.

And I certainly, more often than not, would be fine with someone forgetting plans with me. Just means I get to lounge around and do my own thing.

I prefer to be alone 99% of the time. I don't want a girlfriend. I'd be more than happy without MOST of my friends (yeah there's a couple that I'd keep around to keep me sane). And I'd be happy to never go hang out.

 

[Help?!?!]

Maybe this seems silly, but I just can't get over this shit. It fucks with my head. Is anyone else like this? Is the secret to just forgive people? If so, how?

It really depends. Certain times things like this will really fuck with my head and other times I really could care less. I think an important thing for you to possibly think about(this is something I learned to do)is whether what the person said is true. Sure its a dick/bitch move to say reply/cut someone off with "no one cares" but in essence it may be true. So just think about it and if its something only you would care about then just mentally say "Well I wish she wasn't a bitch about the way she told me but I suppose its true". This often beats that sort of mind fuckery. As far as people not calling/blowing off hanging out, once again it really depends. I personally pay attention to certain things, like when a friend is talking to me about plans we have, their eyes might really light up with excitement or something and i'll mentally note that I cannot fuck up because I can tell they really want to do whatever it is. So when I get excited to do things and people blow me off it really does fuck with me. Mainly just because I can't wrap my head around why I make such an effort to notice these things/go out of my way for others when they never do for me. I personally believe the secret is not to care. I can not tell you how to do this though. Its something you have to learn for yourself and it make take forever. Not caring though is also a double edged sword as once you become truly apathetic its hard to not to be(everything in moderation/balance, its the key to everything). Mainly though you just need to surround yourself with people who truly understand you and know that your easily hurt. Once you do that there is no longer any need to learn how to deal with it. Though I do suggest you learn how to deal with others insults or brash comments towards you. Letting things like that hold you down are truly wasteful. Besides the fact their simply words the very worst thing about them is that they could be true, and once you faced the truth once, how scary is it to go one more round?

 

[L2R]

funny, i distinctly remember feeling that way. i remember clearly being upset by how unreliable people tended to be. it's been a long time since i have felt that way. sure a few times since then i've cracked the shits at something a friend has done, but that passes too.

it will pass
everyone is imperfect
over time you will be better able to gauge who you want to spend more time with and who not so much
being too judgemental only really harms yourself
friends come and go

 

[TINK]

I deal with fuckhead doctors all day that treat me like shit, so I have gotten a pretty thick skin when I am at work. But, I broke up with my BF last year, we were together 7 years. Now when I am not at work, I am alone. I have no friends or family where I live, so instead of going back out there and making friends I decided to stay home and isolate myself because I just dealt with fuckheads all day.

Well, I had a meltdown a little over a month ago and now I am not working but still afraid to go out. Have no clue how to meet people. All my friends, including my ex were from here. And now I have no faith in finding friends IRL that have the same values as me. So, I am slowly killing my soul and wasting away in my condo.

The point here is. Don't let people have so much control over your moods and feelings. If someone doesn't like what you have to say then don't talk to them, talk to someone who wants to hear you. If someone forgets to call, give them a break, they could be going through something you are not aware of. Don't internalize their actions and turn them into your emotions. Don't wait until you are 40 years old before you have a nervous breakdown and then get help.

And yes friends come and go, people change, it is all the experience of life, it has no reflection on you. If you like to read there is a great book called Radical Acceptance that has helped a few friends of mine. I ordered it and it is being shipped as we speak.

good luck

 

[malakaix]

I've always been a pretty socially distant fellow. I've never been able to fully connect with anyone. The very closest people in my life seem relatively distant, when I look at the deep relationships that other people can somehow find. As sad as this may sound, I don't think I can say I ever had any true friends -- not even people I talked to on an almost daily basis for years.

I also can't connect with people in the same way others do; the boundary between myself and them becomes blurred and my own sense of self distorted. It's not two people connecting, it's one person subconsciously having power over the other, i think a great deal of this dynamic is determined on how much importance you place on people and friendships/relationships in general.. i find emotionally sensitive people often give their own sense of empowerment away to someone else in the hope of a deeper connection; and when this isn't reciprocated they can feel at the mercy of others or really hurt. I've done this far to many times to count.. over the years i've become more cautious about who i choose to socialize with, having any expectation about any outcome especially relating to people is likely to result in disappointment. I think it's possible to have great friendships without investing to much of yourself into them; as soon as you become attached.. when something falls apart, so do you.

 

[purplefirefly]

funny, i distinctly remember feeling that way. i remember clearly being upset by how unreliable people tended to be. it's been a long time since i have felt that way. sure a few times since then i've cracked the shits at something a friend has done, but that passes too.

it will pass
everyone is imperfect
over time you will be better able to gauge who you want to spend more time with and who not so much
being too judgemental only really harms yourself
friends come and go

All of this.

I can be a pretty sensitive person but I try not to let the negative things in life dominate me. It can be frustrating to be perpetually blown off by someone, but if it happens with any sort of consistency then just write that person off as a friend and find other people to be friends with.

 

[hustlababy09]

I deal with fuckhead doctors all day that treat me like shit, so I have gotten a pretty thick skin when I am at work. But, I broke up with my BF last year, we were together 7 years. Now when I am not at work, I am alone. I have no friends or family where I live, so instead of going back out there and making friends I decided to stay home and isolate myself because I just dealt with fuckheads all day.

Well, I had a meltdown a little over a month ago and now I am not working but still afraid to go out. Have no clue how to meet people. All my friends, including my ex were from here. And now I have no faith in finding friends IRL that have the same values as me. So, I am slowly killing my soul and wasting away in my condo.

That sucks. I know it can be really nerve-wracking trying to meet new people, especially when you're somewhere that isn't "home". Don't give up though, I know how it feels to be lonely, and you seem like the type of person likes to be around GOOD people.

 

[Renz Envy]

You seem to be overly sensitive to gaining the admiration and love of others.

My advice is to show a lack of interest in what rude people have to say. For to you, they're not even people.

I have a girl at one of my jobs, who barely knows me, but hates the kind of music I listen to(electro-house ). Ever since we had a conflict of interest of music, she has treated me like SHIT. She walks away while I'm talking to her. I am incredibly nice to her.

I guess Deadmau5 must have killed her family or something.

Regardless, she's only an example of how spoiled and silly people can be. I fill my life with those who create positive energy around me, and block off people who want to create negative energy. Once you've brought enough positive people into your life, can you officially neglect the negativity of others.

 

[modern buddha]

I guess my best advice is to just tell yourself that it doesnt matter, even if you dont feel that way. Also, maybe its just my personality type, but I tend to use humor to get a point across to people even if the subject matter is serious, people can be more receptive to that. If you present yourself as overly emotional to other people then sometimes they can get tired of that type of thing. Fake it till you make it.

I, very contrarily, oppose this view. It doesn't help your mind-state in the long run.

Instead, you need to sit down with these people. Part of having good friendships is being able to sit them down for serious discussion. Let them know what you're feeling and that when you make plans, they are real and you don't forget about them. Tell your sister that she really hurt your feelings when she failed to recognize your spurt of knowledge in the conversation.

If these people come off during your conversation as being uncaring, then you are not spending time with people that will enhance your life. Most of the people we come into contact with will bug us and most will be very inconsiderate to you. For those that can grow with you and give you the consideration you hope all human beings can have, you have found true friendship.

 

[Cyc]

I also can't connect with people in the same way others do; the boundary between myself and them becomes blurred and my own sense of self distorted. It's not two people connecting, it's one person subconsciously having power over the other, i think a great deal of this dynamic is determined on how much importance you place on people and friendships/relationships in general.. i find emotionally sensitive people often give their own sense of empowerment away to someone else in the hope of a deeper connection; and when this isn't reciprocated they can feel at the mercy of others or really hurt. I've done this far to many times to count.. over the years i've become more cautious about who i choose to socialize with, having any expectation about any outcome especially relating to people is likely to result in disappointment. I think it's possible to have great friendships without investing to much of yourself into them; as soon as you become attached.. when something falls apart, so do you.

I have a pretty thick skin, but I admit, I recently added a couple people with whom I play volleyball to Facebook, and was somewhat annoyed that they didn't accept my request.

I realize you could have a million reasons for not adding my name to the 400+ other people you must be really close friends with, but if it's really that big of a deal, make a group where the content of your profile is limited, and throw me there. Don't make me feel like some sort of creepy, need-driven asshole for extending a simple courtesy.

Now I'm going to avoid you whenever I see you.

 

[slushy muddy water]

Something that I picked up in your post that I find interesting... I'm also a really socially distant person. Ironically, I'm much closer to people who live much farther away. I'd assume it has a bit to do with the fact that we don't see each other much and therefore can't get sick of each other so when we do get together, it's only good times. The funny thing that I found interesting, however, is that all your examples... are what I'd PREFER to have happen. The response to your factoid... not so much, but I don't mind when people get shitty with me like that because I'm usually more than willing to get into a battle of wits or insults. I just love to argue. :D

When people say they'll call, I'd prefer they don't. Sometimes I'll not answer my phone and say that I didn't hear it (I'm a shitty person). It's not because I don't like them, but because I'm really VERY closed off and private with people I care not to invest significant time or feelings to.

And I certainly, more often than not, would be fine with someone forgetting plans with me. Just means I get to lounge around and do my own thing.

I prefer to be alone 99% of the time. I don't want a girlfriend. I'd be more than happy without MOST of my friends (yeah there's a couple that I'd keep around to keep me sane). And I'd be happy to never go hang out.

we are extremely similar

it will pass
everyone is imperfect
over time you will be better able to gauge who you want to spend more time with and who not so much
being too judgemental only really harms yourself
friends come and go

this is actually really good advice

 

[hustlababy09]

I have a pretty thick skin, but I admit, I recently added a couple people with whom I play volleyball to Facebook, and was somewhat annoyed that they didn't accept my request.

I realize you could have a million reasons for not adding my name to the 400+ other people you must be really close friends with, but if it's really that big of a deal, make a group where the content of your profile is limited, and throw me there. Don't make me feel like some sort of creepy, need-driven asshole for extending a simple courtesy.

Now I'm going to avoid you whenever I see you.

I'm the same way. This girl I was very good friends with in elementary school ignored my friend request a few months ago and it really hurt my feelings. I know she knows who I am, we were really close even through middle school (until I moved). I know it's stupid but it did really bother me. It bothers me even more when you see that the person that ignored you has 500+ friends. Grr.

 

[gsx2ts4u]

I'm the same way. This girl I was very good friends with in elementary school ignored my friend request a few months ago and it really hurt my feelings. I know she knows who I am, we were really close even through middle school (until I moved). I know it's stupid but it did really bother me. It bothers me even more when you see that the person that ignored you has 500+ friends. Grr.

The same exact thing happened to me. I had a great friend growing up, we were farm kids and would walk to each others houses (over a mile cuz we were neighbors lol). I sent her a request a couple of months ago and never heard back. I have like 900 and something friends and I usually add anyone who doesn't seem to be a perv so maybe she thought I was friend crazy? I don't know but it sure made me a sad banana. I remember us day dreaming and promising each other we would be each others maid of honor.. stuff like that. Now I can't even get a friend add...

 

[hustlababy09]

The same exact thing happened to me. I had a great friend growing up, we were farm kids and would walk to each others houses (over a mile cuz we were neighbors lol). I sent her a request a couple of months ago and never heard back. I have like 900 and something friends and I usually add anyone who doesn't seem to be a perv so maybe she thought I was friend crazy? I don't know but it sure made me a sad banana. I remember us day dreaming and promising each other we would be each others maid of honor.. stuff like that. Now I can't even get a friend add...

Yeah that's a crappy feeling. I do the same thing- if someone friend requests me and they don't seem like a weird perv, I'll add them. If they're annoying or whatever I'll delete them later but for the most part I give everyone a chance. I don't know if the girl didn't recognize me (which I doubt) or just didn't want to talk anymore. I'm not sure but my feelings definitely got hurt. I'll be your friend. haha