I have no one else to talk to. So I'm writing this here. As a dad with a 3YO. I just set the font size to 18pt so that I could see what I'm typing. As a dad with a 3MO. I've been doing a lot of drugs lately, to cope with the fact that I hate my wife. I don't particularly enjoy my existence and I certainly would not wish it on anybody else. Smarter people would not end up in my position. Nevertheless, I love my kids. I'm stuck and I'm fucked and I'm lonely and I'm down even while I'm at the best moment of my life: fatherhood.
For those of you that don't have kids, I will say this: It can change you if you let it. A child can be made into a spiritual practice as much as any sacrament can and, oh boy, what a sacrament. Well, you can't know until you find out anyway.
But, it's hard to be all holy feeling when hatred spills out of you, much of your moments. The truth is I'm very angry, at my wife, and at myself, which is no fun. But I digress.
Anyway, I think that MXM+weed, once per week, is seriously nice from my peculiar position. Anything else is not doable for me right now. And, oh, how I've tried: 3-meo-pcp. 4-aco-dmt. mxe. eph. mxe. dpt.
No, all these things might do it for me at some other point in my life, but currently, they're impotent as fuck, regardless of dosage. For some reason 80mg of MXM + some good sativa weed, after everyone else has gone to bed, I find nice. It's brief, but it feels good.
So here's the plan:
M,T,W,T,F: Work 9-12, Meditate 30 minutes, Eat, Work 1-14h55
F-night: Whiskey
SA-night: MXM+weed
SU-night: Whiskey
Everything else is my family.
Repeat.
Currently reading
The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide. Unsure whether I should take some ETH-LAD in November. Unsure where I am going with my life. Dedicating this to the ones I love.