Hi everyone, long time no see.
I've been a benzo addict for 9 years. I started tapering from 3 mg clonazepam / day this summer. The tapering went quite well until I started using alcohol and to a lesser degree stimulants. After a nasty Ethylphenidate comedown I started drinking and unfortunately couldn't stop. First I drank beer 24/7 but as tolerance grew I had to switch to vodka. I was even drunk at work and at some point my co-workers and clients started suspecting me. So my boss sent me to a doctor for evaluation. My blood alcohol level at work was 2%, but 4% when I drank at home.
In the short time I drank I managed to:
- Lose my job
- Lose my flat
- Lose my partner
- Destroy my benzo tapering
The doctor I first saw sent me to a detox center for alcohol. I was there for 3 days until I got sent to a hospital (the only hospital in this country exclusively for addicts) for benzo detox. I was in hospital for 7 weeks and got through benzo withdrawal, which was hell on earth. Several times I thought I'd quit.
Last sunday I got out of hospital. It was scary because it was comforting being in hospital. So 3 hours after I got out I drank 2 bottles of vodka. I had been at my parents place because I didn't wan't to be alone right now. I found 2 bottles of vodka that belonged to my dad and drank them. And got caught. I sweared I never do it again.
And so on Tuesday I again used Ethylphenidate and took 5 mg clonazepam for the comedown. I'd also taken 350 mg quetiapine. Stumbling around on 5 mg clonazepam (with no tolerance anymore) and 350 mg quetiapine was hard, I couldn't walk straight, stumbled into walls and had problems speaking. So, I got caught again after my mother saw me in that shape. She also found my bag with Ethylphenidate.
So I managed to relapse 2 times in 3 days after getting out of hospital. And now I have to go to detox again next week because my relapses.
How fucking stupid can a human be?