Life is taking everything out of me. Now is the most trying time of my life.
For about 11 years now, Ive been living a very lonely life. When I moved at age 11, i went from elementary school to middle school, as where i used to live middle school didnt start until 7th grade. Here middle school started at 6th grade. I was very hyper and kids who were "popular" didnt like me. The cool kids didnt like me and treated me with zero respect, so everyone else did the same. I struggled making friends while at home, my dad treated me like shit and constantly belittled me and screamed at me about how i was a bad kid, i wasnt doing the right thing, i was an embarassment to fhe family name, that type of thing. Some kids were very cruel to me in school, and i didnt fit in. I joked around a lot, and teachers didnt like me. I was outcast, because popular kids didnt like me, nobody did. I had very few friends. This continued into high school, where it got worse. When i told my parents what was happening my dad said i was a liar. I felt so ashamed that i wasnt cool. I didnt get to do the things that normal teens do. I missed out on life. Id get in trouble at school for things that everyone else did, and wasnt punished for. I didnt ever develop any real personal connections with anybody, id only talk to a few people and id rarely get out and socialize. By the time i graduated, a deep depression came over me as i helplessly watched the world go by. My parents told me dont bother applying anywhere but one of two local colleges because "we couldnt afford it" even though the local school i went to cost more than state schools that id go off on my own to. I was stuck, trapped behind glass, watching everyone else live life. Because of how cruel people treated me at school, and how cruel my dad was/is to me, i felt worthless. I thought i was going to be alone forever. I had never had a girlfriend in high school, and hadnt even kissed a girl until I was 18. She was/is a BLer, i met her through here. She went on to be my first and only girlfriend. The only person who had ever seen the real llama, and the only one who ever fell for me. She loved me, and i realized I loved her too. She was the one good thing that ever happened in my life. Because i didnt have developed social skills, the relationship was a distance relationship even though she lived only an hour drive away, and I felt awkward about actually having a girlfriend, my parents made me feel like this wasnt a normal part of life, being in a relationship. The love between us was very strong, but inside i was hurting so bad that i didnt reach out to her more and get closer to her. Instead i was doing heroin and my "life" started to revolve around that. After a long time of me doing heroin and nothing else in life, she had enough and up and left. Before i met her, i thought no girl would ever be attracted to me. I thought i would die alone. I thought i couldnt be anything to anybody ever, that i was unlovable.
Her leaving didnt affect me too much at first because I didnt realize what i had with her until well after it was gone. Now she has been gone almost 2 years, and ive never had any intimate connection with anybody since (or before, her. Shes the only girl ive so much as kissed or had as a real friend). Loneliness is totally breaking me into a million little pieces. Ive got noone to have an intimate connection with (i dont mean just no one to fuck). Noone to cuddle with, noone to spend time with, noone to talk deeply to, noone to dream with, noone to hug, noone to hold, noone to be 100% open with, noone to grow with. I feel like i am unlovable again, that i will die truly alone, and that i will never get to kiss, hold, cuddle, and make love again. My best friend, my only true close friend, other than the ex, has severe mental illness, and is very heavily medicated and cant really live independently. He is the only true friend ive got, and because of his mental state, he really cant do too many things that normal people do with their friends. So i dont have any real, vivacious, socially active people in my life at all. I feel so alone and trapped. I dont see any ways for me to make friends and live life. I feel trapped in a cage, watching everything go by.
I feel so unloveable and worthless. I feel like noone values me, and that i have nothing to offer anybody, even though i try to tell myself that i can be loving, caring, considerate, affectionate if given a chance. It hurts me when ive been in situations like rehab and the halfway house seeing everyone else, how theyve got a girl and friends and people to talk to. It hurts me to see other people who arent honest, act selfish, etc yet theyve got friends, girls want them and all that. I just think why cant i have that? At the halfway house, someone said i was a virgin and it felt so hurtful, because even though i am technically not, since i have been with one girl, it hurt me that someone saw through me and could know that i havent really gotten to have love in my life. I felt so ashamed and embarassed. It served as confirmation to me that i really am a fuckup and a loser. Now that i am back home and back to having no friends, no girlfriend, no affection in my life, things really hurt and i dont see things ever changing for me. Its so hard. Its been 2 years since that relationship ended and no one has shown me any affection or interest since. Ive got no friends to go out and have fun with, and ive got noone special in my life that i can be 100% open to, noone to show me any affection, not even a simple kiss on the cheek or nice words.
I dont know how i can keep on living. This isnt life. All i want is to be a friend, to make someone happy, to love someone, to be something positive for someone. People say you cant love someone else if you cant love yourself. Before, i could distract myself with music and be ok, but now i cant keep on living completely alone. I feel so hopeless because my need for human contact, love, bonding, friendship, and intimacy cannot be ignored, forgotten about, or covered up with music anymore. I feel like a broken, defective person. I cant love myself because people were so cruel to me at school and at home through my dad that i havent ever experienced a healthy social life, friendships, being treated well, etc. The status quo has always been for me since age 11 has been being treated like shit by the only people around me, and without anybody around me to begin with other than people at school who treated me with disrespect and cruelty, dehumanizing me slowly, breaking me down, and levelling any real self worth and self esteem.
Now here i am, broken, and totally hopeless believing that things will never be different for me, that things will never change. In school i always deep down inside tried to tell myself that "next year" things were going to change for me, and that next year never came. And now 4 years after graduation, 4 years of adulthood, my dream of happiness, people, gaining an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex again, still hasnt come any closer.
I dont know what to do anymore. I find myself incredibly depressed all the time and with no one safe i can tell about how i am feeling and whats going on. Im going to be stuck like this forever.
