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Pandora's Box.......Sexual Abuse

izzy, thanks, for saying that
I still have contact with some of my abusers... but I am working on figuring out how I want those people to figure in my life from now on.
 
one of my closest friends told me of how she got raped at 15...its been years now and I still have to fight back tears talking about it.She says it made her a better person and made her stronger, guess I haven't been there so I cant talk. No one should have to go through anything remotely close to her story or anyones here.
My heart goes out to all you beautiful people, you are humanities light and no one can ever take that from you.
 
Happened to me when I was a young boy (age 6~). I honestly can't tell if I'm over it or not, because I keep getting myself fucked up by things (drugs, not working, dishonesty, mental issues [anxiety, occaisional psychosis]) or I keep fucking up things. That said, things are defintely improving; what was a vague batch of memories is now pretty clear and I know what happened and by whom. The major effect on my life occurred during adolescence, in that I was extremely paranoid about sex/sexuality. I've come to realise I'm bisexual, though in a heterosexual relationship (which I believe will last....:)), and I guess I've faced my demons in a sense.

Still hurts or brings up that burning shame at times, but I've not much anger left; just confusion; but whats done is done.

Peace to all of you :) <3
 
lasthurrah19 said:
izzy, thanks, for saying that
I still have contact with some of my abusers... but I am working on figuring out how I want those people to figure in my life from now on.
Click to expand...

when the abusers are family members, the conflict is intense. on one hand, they're family. on the other hand, they did things no human should do to another much less a family member.

when I was 13 I went to a party and left with two guys to go to the store. they made a detour and took turns raping me. I still feel I have some responsibility for what happened because I should have listened to my intuition and never gotten into the car with them. but because they were strangers i'd met only 2 hrs before it was somehow easier to not exactly forgive, but let go.
but when the abuser is family and a parent blames and doesn't protect, imo it's unforgiveable. I was an "accident" and born addicted to amphetamines and barbituates so I understand why my mother treated me the way she did -but nothing will ever excuse her for not protecting me. in all honesty, I felt relief when she died.
about 10 years ago, my sicko brother assaulted an ex-girlfriend and she went to the police when she got away from him. after so many years and so many assaults, he finally was put in jail for a short time and is a registered sex offender.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey, last hurrah. it's a hell of road to travel. although details differ, just never forget there are many people out there who do "get it" and can empathize. some days are more difficult than others but you are never alone.
-izzy
 
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Izzy- I am so sorry for all you have been through.

You are not responsible, of course, though I understand (and I'm sure everyone in here as well) that thought that it was partly your fault.

Swilow- I'm glad you feel you are coming through it and have found a healthy relationship.
It is so strange when you have those memories later in life...in the beginning of remembering you sort of question 'did this really happen?'..
At least I did with a strange memory of a babysitter.....I'm sure it happened but I only remember a flash- I have no idea what happened before that or after and don't consider it as any sort of abuse- though I guess it could be....... I have a memory of my babysitter chasing me around the house naked and I was curled up in a ball on top of the refrigerator and he had this feather duster of my mothers that he was dusting me with......That is all I remember of the incident. I don't think about it much b/c I don't know what really happened around that.
 
I've read everyones posts and im deeply sorry for what people have had to go through. Now it's my turn. I've only told this to my ex girlfriend but i didnt go into detials of who did what and what happened to me. I havn't had conseling for it but i am getting conselling for my depression and anxiety. I'm considering bringing this up in my sessions.

I was raped several times by my cousin. I not sure how long it went on but i can remember it happening several times. It must have spanned from, im guessing, when i was 6 to when i was about 8/9 i really can't tell. It deffinately happened.
I was also sexually abused by another cousin when i was younger, i really cannot say how old i was but i remember it happening. i was forced by him to give him oral sex, i believe this only happened on one occassion.

Going though this i always thought i had AIDs when i was younger and felt the cliche 'dirty'. I felt i was going to die at any time when i was an infant because i had a disease from the abuse.

The worst thing is, my famly like to think they are pretty close and ive had contact with the cousin who raped me all my life. From me and my mother visiting their family and so on. I was also babysitted by her aswell. I realised what she had done to me was wrong a few years ago now. But still i have to sit there and grind my teeth while every fucking one sits around and plays fucking happy. I'm not fucking happy cause of that cunt. i want to shout in her face and show the whole fucking family what she has done to me. But no, i've grew up with her and i've kept quiet. Plus she now has a baby and i couldnt do that to her (the baby). I couldn't fuck up her growing up with her dad in jail and make her life worse.

So i suppose it stays with me. I suppose it will. Cruel feelings of burning resentment buried, until i am.

I'm sorry for going off the rails a bit. This is the first time ive shared this.
 
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izzy66 said:
when the abusers are family members, the conflict is intense. on one hand, they're family. on the other hand, they did things no human should do to another much less a family member.

when I was 13 I went to a party and left with two guys to go to the store. they made a detour and took turns raping me. I still feel I have some responsibility for what happened because I should have listened to my intuition and never gotten into the car with them. but because they were strangers i'd met only 2 hrs before it was somehow easier to not exactly forgive, but let go.
but when the abuser is family and a parent blames and doesn't protect, imo it's unforgiveable. I was an "accident" and born addicted to amphetamines and barbituates so I understand why my mother treated me the way she did -but nothing will ever excuse her for not protecting me. in all honesty, I felt relief when she died.
about 10 years ago, my sicko brother assaulted an ex-girlfriend and she went to the police when she got away from him. after so many years and so many assaults, he finally was put in jail for a short time and is a registered sex offender.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey, last hurrah. it's a hell of road to travel. although details differ, just never forget there are many people out there who do "get it" and can empathize. some days are more difficult than others but you are never alone.
-izzy
Click to expand...


how can you blame yourself: first of all you were 13 and second no one has the right to touch and other person let alone rape some one , sorry Bluelighters this thread makes my blood boil, these sick fucks should be brought to justice even if the victim takes the law into their own hands.If Australia is anything to go by justice is non existent. These freaks from hell should just be shot plain and simple. What kind of sick twisted parasite rapes another person, they should find this gene and wipe these people out of the future. Don't tell me I'm wrong coz I wont have it. No one here should feel shame...sorry going now crying on keyboard

edit: sorry didnt get through the whole post till after my one...As for your mother I agree with you
 
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A guy came into my club tonight who looked EXACTLY like my ex boyfriend... I obviously didn't go speak to him but it freaked me out. I hid out in the bathroom and asked the DJ to skip me on stage while he was there... I could not take my clothes off in front of that man.

Everytime someone walks through the door I always have a small moment of panic and think, will it be somebody I know, my old prof, my ex bf, my dad? Haha. But that freaked me out tonight..
 
izzy66 said:
when the abusers are family members, the conflict is intense. on one hand, they're family. on the other hand, they did things no human should do to another much less a family member.

when I was 13 I went to a party and left with two guys to go to the store. they made a detour and took turns raping me. I still feel I have some responsibility for what happened because I should have listened to my intuition and never gotten into the car with them. but because they were strangers i'd met only 2 hrs before it was somehow easier to not exactly forgive, but let go.
but when the abuser is family and a parent blames and doesn't protect, imo it's unforgiveable. I was an "accident" and born addicted to amphetamines and barbituates so I understand why my mother treated me the way she did -but nothing will ever excuse her for not protecting me. in all honesty, I felt relief when she died.
about 10 years ago, my sicko brother assaulted an ex-girlfriend and she went to the police when she got away from him. after so many years and so many assaults, he finally was put in jail for a short time and is a registered sex offender.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey, last hurrah. it's a hell of road to travel. although details differ, just never forget there are many people out there who do "get it" and can empathize. some days are more difficult than others but you are never alone.
-izzy
Click to expand...

Izzy, thank you for your sentiments. I wish you the best of luck to. I'm currently trying EMDR, so far (3 sessions) it has been scary as shit, but rewarding in greater measure, and I'm glad I decided to try it.

Take care.
 
Thame said:
I've read everyones posts and im deeply sorry for what people have had to go through. Now it's my turn. I've only told this to my ex girlfriend but i didnt go into detials of who did what and what happened to me. I havn't had conseling for it but i am getting conselling for my depression and anxiety. I'm considering bringing this up in my sessions.

I was raped several times by my cousin. I not sure how long it went on but i can remember it happening several times. It must have spanned from, im guessing, when i was 6 to when i was about 8/9 i really can't tell. It deffinately happened.
I was also sexually abused by another cousin when i was younger, i really cannot say how old i was but i remember it happening. i was forced by him to give him oral sex, i believe this only happened on one occassion.

Going though this i always thought i had AIDs when i was younger and felt the cliche 'dirty'. I felt i was going to die at any time when i was an infant because i had a disease from the abuse.

The worst thing is, my famly like to think they are pretty close and ive had contact with the cousin who raped me all my life. From me and my mother visiting their family and so on. I was also babysitted by her aswell. I realised what she had done to me was wrong a few years ago now. But still i have to sit there and grind my teeth while every fucking one sits around and plays fucking happy. I'm not fucking happy cause of that cunt. i want to shout in her face and show the whole fucking family what she has done to me. But no, i've grew up with her and i've kept quiet. Plus she now has a baby and i couldnt do that to her (the baby). I couldn't fuck up her growing up with her dad in jail and make her life worse.

So i suppose it stays with me. I suppose it will. Cruel feelings of burning resentment buried, until i am.

I'm sorry for going off the rails a bit. This is the first time ive shared this.
Click to expand...



Please let your therapist know about this. It probably has a BIG connection to your other issues. People don't just 'get over' abuse - they work on it through therapy, on their own, or they bury it so far they don't know where it is anymore. It takes a lot to be brave and work through it but I believe it will be rewarding in the end. Just my 2c. Feel free to PM or contact me on AIM anytime (lasthurrah1919).

And congratulations on admitting this happened, even to a bunch of strangers online. Admitting it in real life, for me, took a huge burden off of me, of course there has been a lot to work on - I've been working on it for more than a year and probably have several more to go - but it's better than living like the walking dead from flashbacks, anxiety, depression, insomnia, somatic problems (stomach/back/pelvic pain and IBS), general fear of other people and somewhat self imposed isolation, to the point your are harming yourself, can't work, can't have fun, aren't really living anymore. Anything is better than that, I believe.

Take care.
Erica/Paige/Stephanie
 
Also have you ever thought that what she did to you she could be potentially doing to her baby? These situations are always hard, for example I choose to pursue legal action against a guy who kidnapped me, but I refuse to against my parents... even though for all I know they could still be hurting kids. Tough issue.
 
andreas said:
how can you blame yourself: first of all you were 13 and second no one has the right to touch and other person let alone rape some one , sorry Bluelighters this thread makes my blood boil, these sick fucks should be brought to justice even if the victim takes the law into their own hands.If Australia is anything to go by justice is non existent. These freaks from hell should just be shot plain and simple. What kind of sick twisted parasite rapes another person, they should find this gene and wipe these people out of the future. Don't tell me I'm wrong coz I wont have it. No one here should feel shame...sorry going now crying on keyboard

edit: sorry didnt get through the whole post till after my one...As for your mother I agree with you
Click to expand...

when I told my mother about my sicko brother, she blamed me; I was lying, I must have encouraged him, anything she could think of to defend him and blame me. so I stayed silent, never told anyone about the rape at 13 until I was about 30. I couldn't and didn't trust. although society is a little different now, back then (late 70's) no one would have stood up for me and put those assholes in jail.
for decades, I wore silence, anger, and shame like they were extra layers of skin.
what bothers me most is that these things still happen everyday, everywhere. children are used and abused sexually by adults even though there is much more awareness now. it's beyond sick but it happens in every segment of society. senators, teachers, clergy, etc, etc, participate in sexual abuse and exploitation of children continues and virtually no one stands up and advocates for the kids.
I am so sorry for all of you who have shared your stories here. you can get beyond the damage. healing is a process not an event; you've all taken the first step by writing your stories here within the safety of anonymity. you can be free.
thank you, andreas.
-izzy
 
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some days I just want to go ask God what the fuck is going on down here
 
It's just so hard to understand how anyone could bring such harm to another person

A group of bickies I knew growing up, got ear of this guy who got like three month in prison for raping this young girl (not that bickies don't do shit like that) and was boasting about it in this small town.....as mad put it "I'm just going to swing my bat and if his head move in its way it's his fault". I use to wish more stuff like happened( the revenge bit) but now I wish there was no reason for them to do what they did.

I'm a sick twisted individual in my own way, if anyone hurts one of my friends, I'm going to feed the sick fuck 20 blotters and a gram of scopolamine. I know I haven't been there but I just don't get why you all don't track these people down and fuck them up they are probably still doing things like this to others, I know it's hard for me to talk coz I haven't been there
 
andreas said:
It's just so hard to understand how anyone could bring such harm to another person

A group of bickies I knew growing up, got ear of this guy who got like three month in prison for raping this young girl (not that bickies don't do shit like that) and was boasting about it in this small town.....as mad put it "I'm just going to swing my bat and if his head move in its way it's his fault". I use to wish more stuff like happened( the revenge bit) but now I wish there was no reason for them to do what they did.

I'm a sick twisted individual in my own way, if anyone hurts one of my friends, I'm going to feed the sick fuck 20 blotters and a gram of scopolamine. I know I haven't been there but I just don't get why you all don't track these people down and fuck them up they are probably still doing things like this to others, I know it's hard for me to talk coz I haven't been there
Click to expand...

when it happens within a family, there are so many conflicting feelings, especially when you do tell someone and they blame you, not the sick bastard who's doing it. this stuff happened to me when i was really young. age is exactly why, in many cases, a person is targeted.
my sicko brother did eventually have to answer to the court when he attacked an ex-girlfriend. he is a register sex offender now and that makes me happy as hell.
when i was raped at 13 by two assholes i went on a "store run" with, i never told anyone for years because i figured i would be blamed again just like i was when i told my mother about my brother.
often i have wanted revenge, wanted to give the bastards instant colostomies by stuffin' a loaded 12 gauge up their sorry asses and pulling the trigger. but revenge can't undo what's done. i understand your and your friends feelings. i wish there had been someone who cared enough to stand up for me when i couldn't stand up for myself.
i absolutely believe that one way or another what you do will come back to you. my brother has had to answer for some things he has done and i feel sure the assholes who raped me have probably had seriously miserable lives too. if they were decent people to begin with they never would have done what they did and i'm sure i wasn't the only one they attacked over the years.

i am not a victim. i am a survivor still surviving the surviving. i moved hundreds, then more than a thousand, miles away from where this crap happened. i never went back, never will go back.

thanks, andreas. it's good to know there are people who do care enough to want to track down sick fucks who do the things people have posted in this thread.
-izzy
 
I love you people where ever it is you are, you are so full of light, you take darkness and shine light from your pain.
 
izzy66 said:
when I told my mother about my sicko brother, she blamed me; I was lying, I must have encouraged him, anything she could think of to defend him and blame me. so I stayed silent, never told anyone about the rape at 13 until I was about 30. I couldn't and didn't trust. although society is a little different now, back then (late 70's) no one would have stood up for me and put those assholes in jail.
for decades, I wore silence, anger, and shame like they were extra layers of skin.
what bothers me most is that these things still happen everyday, everywhere. children are used and abused sexually by adults even though there is much more awareness now. it's beyond sick but it happens in every segment of society. senators, teachers, clergy, etc, etc, participate in sexual abuse and exploitation of children continues and virtually no one stands up and advocates for the kids.
I am so sorry for all of you who have shared your stories here. you can get beyond the damage. healing is a process not an event; you've all taken the first step by writing your stories here within the safety of anonymity. you can be free.
thank you, andreas.
-izzy
Click to expand...

It is sick that children are sexually abused. There is something terribly wrong with the world that that could be acceptable in someones mind......
I can't fathom what sort of insanity they come up with to justify that behavior to themselves.......
I am glad you have shared your story with us Izzy.....
I really loved that you said you are not a victim, you are a survivor.... :)
Everyone who has shared here is so brave and like Izzy said, putting your story down can be a step towards healing.....
A way of letting go and acceptance .
 
You know what's also interesting.
My parents both sexually abused me. My dad mostly, but my mom also. I like to think my dad forced or at least coerced her, but I don't know if that's really true or not.
Now, 10+ years after the last sexual abuse from either of them, I (one of my alters, anyway) basically confronted them about it. They both deny it but my mom does believe me that my dad did it - she won't outright say that but I know she does. Not to mention she SAW it, but let's leave that doublethink alone...
So now my parents are getting divorced. Well gee, thanks guys. What the fuck? Only now that I said something does my mom want to distance herself from my dad (aka the bad guy)? They are both the bad guy. But I want to put all my blame and anger on my dad because he is stronger and he is the one most prominent in my memory. All of this is reinforcing itself... to the point that apparently I went over to my parents' house last night at like 4am (Actually, the night before I guess) and I don't remember it at all. All of a sudden... it was friday night and it was saturday afternoon. WhY do I switch and GO THERE? So stupid, so brainwashed. STAY AWAY FROM THE PARENTS. How is that so hard?

Sorry I guess that had to come out somewhere.
 
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