Pandora's Box.......Sexual Abuse

[panic in paradise]

^
i didnt remember until i was 18, and had been sober for 2 months in an inpatient treatment center.

 

[lasthurrah19]

I knew about being kidnapped the whole time, I did suppress it for a long time with drugs, but I never totally forgot about it (repressed it). I quit drugs and went for inpatient treatment for PTSD from the kidnapping, and also within 2 months I remembered WAY more abuse (parental abuse included). Actually I think I remembered most of it within 2 weeks. Amazing repression tool, drugs...

 

[An4h0ny]

I never had a normal relationship with females...i'm viewed as shy, werid, so shy that i seem anti social and girls are scared of me. I'm not ugly i'm not super hott i'm "cute" as i been told but lack that macho manly protector. I guess u can say i'm a lil dorky in a andy sandberg kinda of way I love comedy. Anyways i'm now 20 years old and have issues reaching out to people having loving relationships with women. I feel like i'm always being pushed around by pretty girls rather then respected. Rather use drugs to forget about it.

the silver lining.. IF there is one... is that many people who are successful in areas of Comedy and Entertainment are in fact, people with complicated issues and complex pasts.

Comedy comes from a place of pain and confusion.. as a way of dealing with it, as I'm sure you're already aware.

If you feel like it's an option I would consider this as a form of personal 'therapy' and/or just dealing.

If you are insecure about your looks (everyone's different and hard to predict peoples' tastse) then just look at the significant others' that comedians usually seem to attract. Being funny can be more attractive to some women than physical good looks or even a fat bank account.

The only thing is (from my experience) just disappearing into drugs is not only a hallmark of many truly creative and funny people, it's the antithesis to the creative muse.

I mean it's YOUR life and trust me, I disappear into drugs plenty so I'm not preachin at ya. I just know that Samberg gets a ton of hot babes, and while that's not really a worthwhile or sustainable long-term goal in life, it CAN do wonders for your short-term self-confidence.

No matter what, good luck and I hope you're feeling decent today.

 

[zephyr]

I was raped by a guy I was pretty good friends with after a group of us got fucked up at a beach party and went back to his house. I was staying there for the weekend, no one in my "sober"life knew I skipped the state to visit him and other friends for the weekend.

I don't recall what happened as I was out completely. /all I know is- he had a girl with him AND had a girlfriend, and I was kinda making out with another guy at the party that he was friends with. He didn't like the fact I was not going to sleep with him and never had been interested in doing so, so he forced himself on me regardless.

My female friend pulled him off me and made him tell me what happened.

I flew home still wasted and shaken, disgusted and frightened. Usual STD tests were clear, I spoke to crisis care and because of the situation I decided to not press charges. /it would be too much for me to handle.

He apologised but I heard him say "to shut her up". So I told him how disgusted I was and how angry I was at him, and wondered why he thought it was no biggie.

Later, months later- I guess he had a good look at his behaviour and profusely apologised. I forgave him and we still consider each other mates.

Believe it or not, he's been a rock when I have felt suicidal and shithouse and always made me laugh.

If he had not apologised from the bottom of his heart, I doubt I would be handling it as well as I do.

 

[3dmusic]

Sorry to hear of your harrowing experience Zephyr, but glad you had that good female friend, and that the 'botton of the heart apology' brought some peace.

 

[3dmusic]

Myself, I have no memory of bad sexual experience, yet I have always hated anything linking sexuality and me.
I'm glad I am not a bloke, as I would have to wank off, and touch my bits, whereas us women dont have to.

I am sorry for all the brave posters on this thread.
It's a complete mystery to me, why I am repulsed by sex.
My home life wasnt prudish, and although I was emotionally and physically abused, I recall no sexual abuse.

I just had sex when my friends started to. I didnt want to be the odd one out, and my repulsion was nothing to do with the partners. Some of them were lovely. It was to do with me. I just didnt want to end up a perpetual virgin, and thought of as a freak, but I feel a freak anyway, for som unknown, but very powerful reason.
Nowadays, I don't pretend, and this has lifted a lot of pressure. I no longer have to go through the motions, even if the partner is highly attractive.
I am always careful to tell any nice men who may want sex, that my reluctance is nothing to do with them. Some of the more insecure ones have trouble not taking it personally, though.
I once woke up early one moring with a tactile hallucination, feeling grabbed by the waist. Without sounding too gross, I also had a feeling in my anus, the best way to describe it was like having a poo backwards, and 'tight'
Does this mean I am perverted as my mind (although subconscious)conjured up this awful scene?
I am really confused, you know when you get that you dont know if these things are dreams, fabrication from your own mind, etc? I sound like a loon, but I am just trying to describe myself in this context.
I hate drunk and horny people, and I dont like being around them.
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I have no desire for sex, but I feel a bit of a freak, as it always comes up in social situations. Someone chats me up, and although flattered, I tell them straight away, I am asexual, it clears things up from the start.
I have a couple of platonic male friends, who are not at all lairy, and I value these friendships.

As I have no memory of sexual abuse myself, when I hear of those strong surviving souls who know they were abused, then I feel guilty for feeling so strongly, and having no conscious reason to feel so bad about myself. Yet, this feeling wont go away. It affects all of my life, and is debilitating, even in non sexual areas.
Sorry
but thanks for the opportunity to share.

 

[3dmusic]

you know i have not been abused

but my biggest fear is of getting raped in prison
lots of accounts of guys getting gang-raped like 50 times

so I have a lot of respect for people that survive
I have this on my conscience sometimes when I start worrying

p.s. i'm a guy
is it harder on the man when they get raped ? no discrimination

they say it takes away the man in a man

You shouldnt feel guilty about fear you feel.
Do the rapists feel guilty?

 

[3dmusic]

I also have hard time to show my body, i'm a guy it should be no prob, my body is not bad looking at all, i work out daily and strive to be a decent body builder, but i always feel shameed and have such a low low opinion of myself, i come off as werid to new girls i meet, like i'm asked why i dont show off my body more and stuff

I'm a woman, and am not ashamed of my body. I have an attitude of "my body's as good as anyone else's" yet I feel repulsed. Its the not knowing why I feel repulsed. Intellectually, I know I am not, but a big, part of me seems to feel that way. I hate summer, because I struggle with clothes.

 

[Process]

I'm a woman, and am not ashamed of my body. I have an attitude of "my body's as good as anyone else's" yet I feel repulsed. Its the not knowing why I feel repulsed. Intellectually, I know I am not, but a big, part of me seems to feel that way. I hate summer, because I struggle with clothes.

For a while i felt good about my body, I was only smoking weed at that time very very lightly while working out and skateboarding. I was getting a nice tan from being out while building up my body, it was at that time I had a decent yet best exp with a this one girl i was with at the time.

Sex was healthy, the relationship in general was great for a while. after we broke up seems like the world dumped on me and i let my body go as well as my mind drifted somewhere.

Right now my skin is pale as hell from lack of going out much anti social. Just I hate looking in the mirror and rather sleep all day and sleep all night if i'm able to....

I'm having a hard time with this, as my family always thinks my "mental issues" and other problems i have is an act. They are abusive in the way that they dont want to help if its going to cost money...They throw huge huge guilt trips when ever they can making me feel its my fault. They preach how they want to help me and that they care.....My family can afford a low cost treament for myself but they avoid it. Then they flip it on me. In my mind i'm like how the hell can a mother, father do that to their child.

They are not my real rents, father always tried to control me, mother was also in her own world on fuckin benzos all day while my dad fed her bs. Now that i'm 20, its like i feel my rents got a new object and now are not happy with out it turned out so they rather get rid of it then help it... me being the it. I keep tellin myself theres people who had it worse and that i need to stfu and accept it.

I put myself down soo much becuase thats how i feel like a lil bitch. I hate that shit so much, Like I read about and knew people who had it worse then i, and have a great life. I keep telling myself i wanna be like that but i always fail and i just feel like my emotions are holding me back chained. As a non gay guy and feeling like that makes me want to kick the shit out of myself, Like i cant respect myself even if i tell myself i need to.

 

[Process]

I was raped by a guy I was pretty good friends with after a group of us got fucked up at a beach party and went back to his house. I was staying there for the weekend, no one in my "sober"life knew I skipped the state to visit him and other friends for the weekend.

I don't recall what happened as I was out completely. /all I know is- he had a girl with him AND had a girlfriend, and I was kinda making out with another guy at the party that he was friends with. He didn't like the fact I was not going to sleep with him and never had been interested in doing so, so he forced himself on me regardless.

My female friend pulled him off me and made him tell me what happened.

I flew home still wasted and shaken, disgusted and frightened. Usual STD tests were clear, I spoke to crisis care and because of the situation I decided to not press charges. /it would be too much for me to handle.

He apologised but I heard him say "to shut her up". So I told him how disgusted I was and how angry I was at him, and wondered why he thought it was no biggie.

Later, months later- I guess he had a good look at his behaviour and profusely apologised. I forgave him and we still consider each other mates.

Believe it or not, he's been a rock when I have felt suicidal and shithouse and always made me laugh.

If he had not apologised from the bottom of his heart, I doubt I would be handling it as well as I do.

You sound like a very strong person, Being able to forgive someone who did something like that.

 

[808060flies]

Sexual abuse has lasting trama on so many of us. Thank you for your post.

 

[ocean]

Zephyr- You are incredibly strong to be able to befriend that person.

I know myself, and a few other people who after they were raped by someone they knew, they continued to have them in their lives.......I, for example, was raped by a boyfriend. (I had issues from a different situation a year or two before of a man touching me inappropriately-to put it nicely and didn't want to have sex.) I continued to date him after the rape.
Later I beat myself up for it.....A friend of mine had the same thing happen but with a casual friend-And friends of mine who were molested by family members....All of them later had this strange fight with themselves which sort or fueled the shame factor that is often times involved in these types of situations..... I think maybe you want to pretend it didn't happen, or it wasn't a big deal b/c it is too difficult to deal with.

I'm not at all saying this is the same in your case b/c it seems you have gotten past it and that is wonderful.......your story just reminded me of this.......
Though hearing these stories is heartbreaking.....It is so great that everyone has been so open.

 

[zephyr]

I honestly feel less hurt by that incident than thinking about the times I made love to my ex partner when he said he loved me and wanted to marry me and would never leave me. But he did not love me and left without a backward glance. THAT makes me feel ugly, unwanted, gullible and stupid. I get urges for physical closeness with a man but am repulsed by the thought of being with someone who would not value me in a relationship.

I have a good male friend who has made it clear we are good friends and definately loves sleeping with me, but does not want a relationship with any woman. I think I will be better off calling him up when I need sex as we have had good times in the past and keeping well away from any guy who proclaims love, it ends up being rubbish anyway.

 

[ocean]

I'm sorry.......I know how it is to separate from someone you love- And I can imagine the pain of feeling .......almost used in a way.......
Learning to trust again is a long hard process- but it can be done.....and it will be needed for a healthy relationship in the future.....I'm not sure how long ago this was but time heals.....
eep your head up

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I could never forgive somebody...

My ex boyfriend dumped me while I detoxing from heroin because he "wasn't ready to comitt." That was after a year of sexual/physical/emmotional abuse. He dated a slew of girls after that and made sure to be everywhere I was so I could witness it, and got engaged about six months later. She dumped him for the reasons I should have and the only time I've spoken to him since we broke up was a few days after she left him. I got cornered smoking weed with him and another mutual guy friend. I wasn't angry just disgusted, every movement he made and the sound of his voice made me naeseous, literally to the point of vomiting afterwards. It took me a long time to hate him for what he did but now I just see him as what he is, a revolting person (and I've yet to hear an apology).

I never spoke to one of the guys who molested me ever again, and we moved and I don't know what the fuck happened to him. One I never saw again. The third (or first) molested me at a party (basically everything but penetration) that my friend who was in love with him was at. She knew what happened but assumed I went willingly, even though it was pretty obvious, and I had to spend the night apologizing to her because she didn't want me to stay with her-- it's nearing six years and she still brings it up in arguments and as a joke, "I forgave you for what you did with **..." I've thought about telling her but I honestly don't think she would believe me (I never told anybody and neither did he). Then she made me go to breakfast with her and him the next day and he kept giving her cigarettes and paying for her food but wouldn't look or speak to me and didn't pay for mine...

He then terrorized me for months afterwards and spread rumors about me being a nymphomaniac, anorexic, coke head, junkie, tweaker, lesbian, sexual devaint, everything under the sun. He would show up at parties I was at, at friends houses and talk about how ugly or fat or stupid I was in the room but super loudly so I could hear... told teachers I was seling or smuggling drugs in school, other guys that I wanted to have sex with them or blow them, find out if I was hanging out with friends and tell them he would bring alcohol if I wasn't there. I was so happy when we moved, but I still see him a couple times a year, and we just don't speak. I've never gotten an apology.

So I hate them both and hope they rot in hell.

 

[Process]

Why do you still see him a couple times a year? From all your post i read (still pretty new here myself) I pray that something positive happens that will change your life forever, You seem very strong and powerful and overcame alot in your life.

 

[3dmusic]

Why do you still see him a couple times a year? From all your post i read (still pretty new here myself) I pray that something positive happens that will change your life forever, You seem very strong and powerful and overcame alot in your life.

I think this too.
Thanks for sharing. Your strength is obvious and you were unfortunate to encounter a couple of total wankers. That's putting it mildlly.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

He's friends with a lot of my friends. He moved out of SF but he still comes back to visit a couple times a year and stays with some of my close friends. I don't try to see him but running into him at bars and parties is sort of unavoidable...

 

[stellablue]

^ That has to be so hard.

 

[izzy66]

I grew up in a seriously fk'd up family. my father beat us, broke bones, and inflicted alot of emotional abuse. one of my brothers started sexually assaulting me when I was 8 and he was 14. he would hide under my bed in the morning and grab my ankles when my feet hit the floor, then attack me. when I told my mother, she defended him and said I must have done something to encourage him. I will never forgive any of those sick bastards and have had zero contact for almost 30 yrs.
I dissociated to get through it but
surviving is only the beginning; surviving the surviving is incredibly difficult and painful.
to all of you out there who have been assaulted and abused, always remember there are many of us; you are not alone and you did nothing to "deserve" the abuse.

thanks for starting this thread, ocean.
-izzy