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Pandora's Box.......Sexual Abuse

that is really weird... Id totally give you a hug if I was there so you can just settle for virtual comp hugs : D Im glad you quit heroin and are fixing that pain inside you. It is a relief to finally let some of the pressure go. I identify with your analogy really well, actually. Ive started to let go of my own things and its just nice to be like fuck it, i dont want to be hurt by this anymore. I feel like i repressed a lot of mine as well, and the more I am sober, which is quite a lot now, it seems like I remember it more clearly but I can handle it better.
 
drscience said:
I did stay there Sappy. In fact I socialized with the kids after it happened so noone would think anything happened. I instantly repressed the experience. (with the help of drugs) Im learning, with the help of my psychologist, that I am extremely good at repressing memories and avoiding negative feelings. Its no wonder as time went on the memories started to slowly surface on their own, which led me to do harder and harder drugs until I was a full blown heroin addict.

Even though I still cry about it, and it pains me to think about it, it is a relief to finally acknowledge what happened. The analogy I use is opening a valve to lower the pressure that has been building inside me.

(what I find interesting is I didnt acknowledge the abuse until I quit heroin and started methadone. weird huh.)
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I'm sorry to hear everything you've been through <3
It's such a difficult thing to deal with. Sometimes people suppress it, sometimes they go through all the emotions at the time. There really isn't a right way to handle it all.
In MANY cases when the person knows their 'attacker', they will continue to befriend them , date them, live with them, interact with them.....
For myself, that was something I struggled with.....and the people I have known who have done the same.
Don't beat yourself up over however you handle it b/c again, there is no right way <3 (I say this b/c I know I did)
I'm glad you're talking about it- and that you're seeing a professional.
<3 Therapy helps.....support from friends, and the support you get here helps.<3
Stay strong <3 Keep moving forward and it will get easier.
 
Hi im new to bluelight iv had a read of some posts on here and i can totally relate to some of them.Im 32 years old and at the age of ten i started to be sexually abused by my stepfather,i lost my virginity by the tender age of twelve.I suffer from bipolar and iv been told that my past had probably been the main trigger,at the age of fiftheen i was raped by who i worked for part time at the weekends.My mum for sure knew what was happening to me but reckons its my fault,i was 18 when i told her finally i couldnt wait till i left home when i was 17.I suffer with bad nightmares and iv even hit my partner in my sleep thinking im being hurt again im so lucky to have him as he is so understanding.Im apparantly on the waiting list for psychology,i know that it wont be any time soon though the appointmen so my partner is helping me to look for some specialist help asap as im finding it unbearable to cope with the pain inside me,it hurts so bad i feel like giving up because i feel so worthless,the only thing keeping me going is my partner and hes dad.For the past year that iv been with my partner im trying to convince myself that it wasnt my fault growing up but i find it so hard to believe,more so because my own mother blamed me.Iv never been able to get close to anybody as im to scared of being hurt in some way,im very insecure especially with my partner at the moment,i am really trying not to be this way but i struggle so much with my emotions.I feel so alone most of the time and im riddled with a pain that i cannot describe all i know is that im going to cherish my partner weve been together for a year now,hes been my rock and in a way im scared to death ill lose him(and hes dad)because im so insecure but up to now all he has done is be there for me no matter what,i know im very lucky to have him.Im so grateful,iv cut6 my mum out of my life now i dont want anything to do with her i cannot ever forgive her for not trying to be there for me,iv always craved to be loved by her but never have been.I think that my partner loves me,i really hope that im right?i reckon i love him dearly because he makes me feel warm inside and i feel so safe with him,i would be very grateful if anybody could advise me of any way to cope with the pain i have inside.Is it normal to feel this way?why cant i believe that my upbringing wasnt normal?i feel so lost.
 
drscience said:
Hi

I was sexually abused when I was in foster care. I was put in foster care when I was 13 years old, turned 14 there and moved out when I was 14.

There was only one foster parent, an elderly woman with mobility issues. She only took adolescent boys because they paid the most. ($1300 a month each I believe) There were 3 of us. She was also a chain smoker so we all smoke in the house and she didn't notice. Looking back this was a terrible foster home....

All us foster kids shared a big bedroom, and one night we were looking at pornos that one of the kids smuggled in. (man this is my first time going through it in detail) Well, we all started horsing around, one kid was dryhumping us other kids, jokingly i thought, but then the 2 kids started getting serious. They forced me to undress under threat of bodily harm and both were dryhumping me at first, but then it escalated....(fuck im in tears now) they took turns forcing themselves on me, and threatened to fuck me up if i screamed or said anything. Well I was too scared to say anything, also eqully afraid noone would believe me. The next night one of the kids tried to kill himself by eating a bottle of caffeine pills. I watched him puke and called an ambulance. He was taken away by police/ambulance.

After it happened (the rape) I just showered thoroughly, and went to bed. I just laid there, didnt sleep, cry or anything. Got up at morning and lived my life like nothing happened. I honestly didnt cry or think about it until 9 years later when I told my shrink, which was quite recently. And now that ive told someone, ive been having dreams about it, waking up crying and shit, its like I un-repressed the memory. What the fuck. Whats weird is I actually tried rationalizing the kids actions.....I told myself that since they were in foster care, they were probably subject to what they did to me, and it wasn't entirely their fault. Fucked up way of dealing with it.....

Well it feels a bit better to get it off my chest...

Thanks to all the others that shared. <3
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I was sexually abused by my stepdad from the age of ten,im now 32 and been diagnosed with bipolar,iv been told that this is more than likely due to the abuse i was unable to cope wuith the stress of it,im suffering now a lot from my childhood im having nightmares a lot more often now,i feel as if it was my fault,i deserved it.My own mother blamed me for it said it was my fault so that really dosent help me in any way feel any better about it.My stepdadwould say that nobody would believe me if i spoke out,he called me nam,es,i was a very bad loner i had no friends at school due to me not being able to mix in because i felt different so i would truant most of the time.Im dealing with it bit by bit now,its not easy to try and come to terms with it but with the help of my partner who is also my best friend and my partners dad im sure that i can get where i need to be,i sure hope so anyway as iv been trying for the past 22 years surely its time to ease the pain?
 
Pammy, I am so glad that you have a supportive partner. That will make a world of difference as you try to work your way through all the layers of hurt. I hope that you can work with someone that specializes in therapy for survivors of sexual abuse. Much love to you.<3
 
herbavore said:
Pammy, I am so glad that you have a supportive partner. That will make a world of difference as you try to work your way through all the layers of hurt. I hope that you can work with someone that specializes in therapy for survivors of sexual abuse. Much love to you.<3
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Thankyou herbavore,every day ae can be a battle and i cant say that it feels any less painful with time because it dosent,the pain is undescribable as each person experiences different emotions,some learn to block memorys,others suffer mental illness of some sort,depression.I know how lucky i am to have such good strong support from my partner and hes dad,not all people are able to understand what bad effects being abused sexually can have,personally i am a very insecure person im sure this is due to abuse,iv always been a loner etc,iv never fitted in around others,i struggle badly with confidence.I am seeking privte therapy atthe moment so i can maybe try to learn to deal with my nightremors that i have all the time,suffer frequently with bad nightmares,i dont feel rested when i get up in the morning.Im sure with the right people involved i can see this through and come out the other end,im sure that many others could do the same with the right sort of support and help.
 
I'm so sorry to read about what you went through Pammy.How people can do this to children is beyond me.
The important factor is that you are still here,you have not let them beat you,you are a survivor and that's the best revenge you can have.
I hope you get the help you want and that your future is so bright that your past can fade away as much as possible.
 
Thankyou so much its beyond me how anybody can be so cruel to children,im quite certain that im on the right path now into getting the correct help and suppotr that i need,i know that iv certainly got all the suypport that i need anyway by my opartner and hes dad,theyve been my rock tyhis past year and i realise just how very lucky i am having them in my life as there is plenty of people whgo havnt been so fortunate,such a big shame,upsets me a lot.
maxalfie said:
I'm so sorry to read about what you went through Pammy.How people can do this to children is beyond me.
The important factor is that you are still here,you have not let them beat you,you are a survivor and that's the best revenge you can have.
I hope you get the help you want and that your future is so bright that your past can fade away as much as possible.
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i was sexually abused when i was younger many many times by family friends. i told myself i wouldn't let it happen again, and then it did a couple years (when i was 17) ago when i thought i was hanging out with someone i trusted it. and THEN when i thought it would NEVER happen again, it happened AGAIN a couple of fuckin days ago, while i was passed out on kpins and alcohol. i have no idea why my best friend would leave me alone with the rapist asshole who tries to get with every drunk girl at the party. but fuck. i can't go through this again.
 
I really need some advice but I've got this irrational terror that people will judge me by saying that I'm making things up & not believe my situation. I don't think I could handle/come back from that :(
 
Vent what you need to vent Ebot<3
That is what this thread is for...I dont think your fear is in anyway irrational- it seems a VERY plausible one, especially if you feel vulnerable.

As far as advice goes- well, being a thread, it will vary but it is up to you to make that decision about what/how you choose to disclose certain info/feelings about yourself. Any negative or idiotic comments will be dealt with by Mods.
Just be aware that people who have posted on this thread have been in a similar situation to your own- in terms of feelings- so please dont feel alone in your situation. Most important thing is that you do what's right by yourself hun.
<3
 
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Thanks, OK here goes:

Since I've almost entirely gotten off the drugs & my mind has started to clear I've been getting flashes of really clear memory involving people I haven't seen or had contact with for nearly 20 years. Since I was an older kid/younger teen. I have barely ever thought about these people either. These are definitely memories I don't have any knowledge of having had in the intervening years. If they are real then what those people did to me was really bad :(

The thing is I haven't believed before that suppressed memories could be so completely suppressed. I've never had the opportunity to talk to someone who has recovered a suppressed memory so I could only guess at what it would be like based on stuff that I'd read. I always figured that if one recovered such a memory then one would also regain an actual memory of suppressing it. I thought that stood to reason but I've never been interested enough in the subject to verify the idea until now. Part of what's bugging me is that no such memories are attached to the flashes of abuse recall.

I also only know a little about False Memory Syndrome but I knew it was supposed to be linked to some therapies. I checked out a concise but rather brief paper on the subject and I haven't had any hypnosis or any other therapy listed as likely to cause false memory. It is possible that fake memories may occur spontaneously but I haven't a clue how likely or frequent this might be. If this stuff was true it would make sense in terms of problems that I've had. If the memory was attempting to surface even before I drastically reduce my substances intake then the strange dissociative symptoms I've had over the past 2-3 years would be explainable as my mind's last ditch attempts to keep the hurt squashed down in to my subconscious. Also I've always assumed that I got so heavily in to drugs because I had an addictive personality but this never gelled well with the amount of willpower I have. If I got in to them to as self medication to help my brain shy away from a suppressed memory and as self-medication for undiagnosed PTSD then that would make a heck of a lot more sense to me.

I need some help from you Pandorans if possible. I need your opinion as to what is the more likely option here. Do I have suppressed memories of sexual abuse that are now surfacing after nearly two decades but which I don't remember consciously forgetting (at least as yet) or do I have spontaneously created false memories (and if so how and why???) ?

Either way I don't regret the recent path I've taken that has led me to this point. Whichever of the above options is true then I need to deal with the issues at the root of my problem and it is obvious that self-medication in the form of drug abuse has been treating the symptoms without doing a damn thing about the cause. Here's me thinking I was "two per cent rare" because I display certain symptoms which my psych nurse told me occurred 98% of the time in people who had suffered sexual abuse in childhood. She put it down to the emotional and occasionally physical abuse I received at the hands of my parents (they never abused me sexually as far as I recall & none of the "new" memories feature them thank goodness). Looks like I might be "98 per cent common" instead - it certainly feels that way since these memories seem really vivid and truly real & also link up with and spark off other more benign memories of the time that I haven't thought about in ages.

I started my quit as part as a process of gradually making small positive changes in my life. If I can gradually deal with these memories then I suspect it will make a big difference to my happiness and also to my health. I will seek professional help once I'm more positive what I'm dealing with but I've been second-guessing myself with doubt ever since this began. The fear of being disbelieved I mentioned above is crippling me in attempting to deal with this feces properly. That's why I eventually screwed my courage to the sticking place and decided to post here asking for a little advice. TDS has been more help to me in all my problems since I became a Bluelighter than my family, friends and professional care team put together. I don't see a good reason why this new (or is it old?) problem should be any different in that respect.

Please, please, help me. I'm pretty scared right now and it nearly took more courage than I possess to hit "Submit Reply" :( Thanks for reading.

Peace, ethnobot
 
^ You got guts hun. :)

I personally can't enlighten you as to your question. I think this is something to talk over with a trustworthy and respected professional/therapist/other over a period of time(and I mean this, with genuine intention, that you dont neglect what is going on with you atm). I think what opinions you may receive will only be that -of others- and what you really need, is feedback(from yourself, through the medium of someone who can guide you through it), and to work through what you need; to be genuinely validated about and perhaps, also what needs to be dealt with in other ways. In essence it sounds like something that needs to be worked out in a process, over time, rather than something that can be answered with a few responses on a forum. Maybe.

Seems like you are going through alot of changes and this is a good thing.
Just remember to accept and respect yourself.
Dont try to take on too much on your own, or put too much in the hands of others.
Sorry, this is an ambiguous response but what you are looking for is 'yourself' and I dont think it is just to answer questions that I know nothing about-as I dont know you. What I do know is that you are trying to come to face some personal truths-whatever they are.
Be kind to yourself while you look for ways to help you out of your questions.
The purpose of solutions is to empower you, and not alone, to prove you are right or wrong but you seem to need to work this out too to move on.
Best of luck with the help you get hun. <3
 
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This thread is a fantastic idea. It's good to let people know they aren't alone. I was first raped by my older brother in 1st grade when i was getting ready for school, i told my dad but my brother was 4 years older so when he denied it my dad believed him. Because of my age i didnt even know what rape was, i just said he humped me naked. My dad yelled at me never to "make up" things like that. I couldn't defend myself as he was 4 years older and much stronger, so it continued for the next five years. As I grew older and older i realized more that what was happening was wrong. In 4th grade i told my mom that my brother raped me but she told me if what i said was true that my brother would to jail. I didn't know who to go to, i felt so alone in the world. When i was in six grade i finally told my parents again, though this time they believed me and sent him to treatment. I was tired of having the images of myself being raped, the images of a 4th grader crying alone as he wiped semen and blood off his legs, not even knowing what it was. My PTSD became extremely severe as i grew older, with almost constant flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, and social problems. I had so much trouble trying to understand what happened to me and why. I turned to hard drugs for the pain, which led me to treatment. It was there that I finally got the professional help I needed. It was there i realized the knowledge is perhaps the most helpful thing you can have, I was able gain control of my PTSD mostly through my 100s of hours spent researching it and other disorders. I didn't like my therapist at all (mormon, intolerant) so i just followed the advice of the books, which knew a great deal more than my therapist. PTSD was the most difficult,confusing, painful, and debilitating illness i have ever had to deal with. If anyone needs any help or advice give me your email or email me, I would love to do whatever i can to help others
 
I've had some sexual abuse happen but it was from a guy my parents were friends with who lived next door to us.

It happened when I was 15-17 and he'd have me gut punch him, tackle him, he'd touch my upper body, have me touch him, and kiss me. We never had oral or anal sex. He is married and at the time he was in his early 40s.

At the time and until I was in my early 20s until I talked to a therapist and a counselor, I didn't even see this as sexual abuse since at the time I thought he was a friend to me. I also was psychologically and physically abused by him but I had blocked that out until my mid 20s.

I did tell my mom about it as an adult but we both agreed not to tell my dad since he might not understand.
 
I was sexually abused by a friend of the family. I remember he made me suck his cock because he said that's what the girls at his school did so it was okay. To be honest it's not affected me in a negative way even in the slightest. I guess I must be more resilient than I give myself credit for. Still, I feel sorry for the people that don't fair as well as me. Not everyone is so lucky.
 
I was abused by a neighborhood kid who was 5 years older then me. It has fucked my life up in ways that are hard to explain. MY parents never understood my anger and mental problems since I only told them about it once I was an adult. I held the secret for so long that it left a permanent mar on my mind in some ways I am frozen in time. The abuse happened at such a young age that I cant really know how I would be if it hadn't happened. Maybe I still would have stuck needles in my arm but maybe I wouldnt have. I went and got some therapy and life is better now but it will never be perfect.
 
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