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Neversick November - Getting/Staying Clean Thread

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@ neversick- thank you kind sir. i saw my sister earlier. shes gonna hve surgery tommorrow which should wipe away the pancreatitis because shes getting her gull bladder removed. my aunts not doing good but i cant do anything about that. as fucked up as it is id rather have my sister here then my aunt, although i do love her dearly.

my best friend came back from new hampshire today and i talked with her for an hour and she gave me a giant hug, which i needed so so bad. i feel a little better but i which i felt 100%, but thats not gonna happen right now.

edit: 420 post FTW and also i got 38 days no opiates today. any other day that i had 4 people in my family having operations and shit i would have gone out and gotten high. my grandma had caderac(sp) sugery, my sister is having her gull bladder removed tommorrow, my aunts been in the hospital since monday with pheunomia (sp? again lol), my dads having a cancerous chunk taken out of his nose next tuesday as well. way to much shit going on for my liking
 
I wish I could buy into the "I have such and such many days clean, it'd be horrible to ruin it" thing. I just can't. I'm not knocking it btw, not at all. Just saying I can't get myself into that mindset.

Long story short, been on H for years, on methadone for the last four, clean of H for the last year, clean of methadone since saturday, clean of all opiates (was popping a vicodin here and there cos I took my methadone taper way too fast at the end) for about 38 hours. Can't sleep tonight and my last two Vicodin are calling my name.

What makes me want to stay clean is good stuff in my future - work plans, personal relationship plans, ect. Which sounds good in theory, but when something related to those things hits a snag and makes it seem like they might not work out, I feel like I have nothing to stay clean for. I've never been able to do the "just stay clean for yourself, you're worth it" thing.
 
Good job model. <3

I got 39 days no opiates, minus subs. I can't stop drinking tho :( its bad enough that it makes be not really care about my days clean from dope. If I'm still drinking then what's the point??
 
BlueSaffron said:
I wish I could buy into the "I have such and such many days clean, it'd be horrible to ruin it" thing. I just can't. I'm not knocking it btw, not at all. Just saying I can't get myself into that mindset.

Long story short, been on H for years, on methadone for the last four, clean of H for the last year, clean of methadone since saturday, clean of all opiates (was popping a vicodin here and there cos I took my methadone taper way too fast at the end) for about 38 hours. Can't sleep tonight and my last two Vicodin are calling my name.

What makes me want to stay clean is good stuff in my future - work plans, personal relationship plans, ect. Which sounds good in theory, but when something related to those things hits a snag and makes it seem like they might not work out, I feel like I have nothing to stay clean for. I've never been able to do the "just stay clean for yourself, you're worth it" thing.
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Hey,

Here is a post I made about 2 weeks ago that might help you out.

"I just want to share something.

I've never been so happy to be sober in my life.

Today something amazing happened that NEVER would have happened if I was using. It really put into perspective the positive changes that have happened in my life. I won't get into details because the details don't matter.

I'm looking back at the way I used to be.. my old life.. and I'm just so happy I could cry.

When you are a drug addict the rewards come instantly. In sobriety, when rewards don't come instantly, you think they will never happen. You think you will never be happy again. They come after days, weeks, months, years of hard work. When the reward finally happens it is so shocking and surprising and SO MUCH MORE SATISFYING!!

I was faced with adversity recently and the old me would have backed down, gone to my room, and drank myself to death. This time, I rose up, kept working, did the best I could, and was rewarded for it. What happened to me today would have never ever ever happened if I was still drinking.

Stay sober people. It's worth it in the end. "
 
^ everyone whose trying to get clean, stay clean, or support others in their efforts to do so is welcome in guys thread <3 no discrimination.
 
Opiate free since 4/21/13.
Wasn't easy...but really worth it.
I never thought I'd be opiate free..I was resigned to being a methadone/suboxone lifer.
 
I was just scrolling down the forum and saw that the recovery forum had 422 posts in it and stopped because that's my clean date, it always stands out and I see it on a semi-regular basis.

anyways I'm doing well, I've been spending too much time in the lounge but what's new, eh?
 
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Felt like a piece if shit all day. Yesterday I ended up drinking from 5am- like 6pm. I worked from 10-8 duribg that as well. I was drunk but still sorta doing by job. Well this girl, who is my best friend for 8 years now and also works with me at that job (the pizza shop) came in at 4 and I guess she smelled the liquor on me and she came out and smoked a cig with me and said if she caught me drinking again that night she was gonna have to send me home. Well I'm pretty sure this other kid snitched to my boss while he was out on delivery. At 8pm my friend told me I should go gone early and that she would stop by my house and smoke a cig and talk with me and to just go home cuz she knows I'm angry and all the family medical issues in the last few days

So I'm about to leave and my boss calls the shop and my friend answers and gives me the phone. My boss says "you drink again you're fired and I tried to deny drinking and she said bullshit. So I'm really pissed now and I clock out and leave without giving my friend a hug much less even saying goodbye. She chased me out the door and gave me a real long hug saying "it will all be ok, you just have a lot on your plate". Then she says " your heart is racing. What's wrong? Let it out." All I did was tell her about the phone convo with boss. Then I pulled away and walked home.

I get home, take a shower, and go to bed. Woke up to a text from my friend saying that she has to take Mike home who is a coworker and I think the person who snitched and asked if I was wirkibg tommorrow. Then another text asking if I'm okay. Then another text from my boss saying that she is keeping the original schedule and to give back the shift I was supposed to work tonight to this other guy. So I was heated. And texted my friend back (2 hours after her text which was right after my boss text).saying that I wasn't working tommorrow and probaly anymore for that matter.

Its to much more shit to type about our conversation from tonight but I will take a screen shot on my iphone and edit it in. Basically I was mad and asked her if I should text my boss and see if I will still have my Wednesday night shift and that if not then I was gonna quit cuz i don't wanna deal with her if she's gonna keep giving me 1 day a week. She said some truthful shit and I got mad and pretty much said that I'm done giving a fuck and all this other stuff. It hurt her so much cuz I already know she's always worried about me cuz there has been nights when I was doing dope constantly where she would be up sleepless all night cuz she was worried I was getting high again. Then she sent me slither text at the end if the convo (its gonna he the second to the last BIG gray box, and that made me even more ashamed. Immediately called one of my blocked numbers and got a bundle of dope. It took an hour and a half and I got atext (the last big gray box) after I already gave up the $$ that just made me feel so bad that I hate myself even more for knowing I was about to relapse .

I ended up doing 6 bags already cuz I've been on bupe since like oct2nd. And I've barely been nodding. Drank some 94 proof liquor to. I still feel like shit. Fucking horrible. 40 days and poof there it goes. I just wanna disappears off the face of the earth.

**** here's the text convos from today and last night.
NSFW:
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FA5A1BF3-536C-44F6-9C1B-541D82123648-1381-00000092F280B4A3_zps20aa4c25.jpg


B1D659E1-D133-404C-BA3A-CC0DDBFB204A-1381-00000092EDA2D7A2_zps5b790b71.jpg


2E5B5A4D-EF33-4B03-A025-60B2C51D8DFF-1381-00000092E8817C5F_zps008447ac.jpg


[
6ABFA806-FC21-4677-AC54-7DEAAFAC8527-1381-00000092E3964221_zpsf8c956fd.jpg


/
5DDDBB6C-AEF1-44DC-BB51-819CCD418E3D-1381-00000092DD6DE7BB_zpsd1405665.jpg


98029164-E73F-42DA-852A-4694B8227D52-1381-00000092D76A051C_zps9de70240.jpg


BD7DA13A-0CAB-4E5F-96AD-40AE0ADB1E48-1381-00000092CDEB15AA_zpsa249ca19.jpg


^ disregard the gray box, its a repeat msg. Had to get the last text on there
 
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I'm sure you're right. Idk what else to say tho. I just feel like I don't care at all. I'm just gonna go try to catch a nod and go to bed.
 
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