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N.A. meetings and judgmental people
- Thread starter jake99
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Bojangles69
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- May 20, 2009
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Just 1 thing I want to bring up I may have said this before.
But one day I was sitting in class and my clinical therapy professor brought up the fact that a lot of students with anxiety disorders will often delay their education and try to stay in college as long as possible to avoid being thrown into the 'real world'.
And I know this absolutely applies to me because the last 2 years in a row I intentionally avoided my internship required to graduate just so I'd have an excuse not to dive into a full time career.
I just see a lot of people in here saying "wait till you get your degree" but that could potentionally be a recipe for disaster.
After you get your degree than what? You're not going to have ANYTHING to do, and a fulltime job for me is much more stressful than going to school full time. I mean 12 credits a week for me is nothing, 40-50 hours working a 9-5 job I fucking hate. Its more that I'm pretentious towards certain jobs though than lazy (like I refuse to work in retail for one and this business I got going now is turning out rather well which is just gonna spoil me further).
My point is though you're going to start tapering after school?
You have any idea how long that can really take you? It took me 3 months to do a taper off pods that I could handle, and I've seen you try tapering before and I really don't think its going to work. Also, the worst thing thats likely to happen is once you DO get clean, you're likely to have a nasty case of paws to deal with. I mean you've been using pretty potent opiates for a while now, and my last bout of paws rendered me 100% useless.
I couldn't do shit, was falling behind in school, house chores, keeping up on my hygeine. I had NO CHOICE but to go back to using to get through this semester. But if I had an obligation hanging over my head where I just graduated, and my family was expecting me to put on a suit and tie to go out looking for a career... NO FUCKING WAY would that have happened. Even if I was using and not in paws I can't hold down a fulltime job, and untill I get through the first 2-3 months of paws its going to be just as hard to hold down a job.
Have you thought about this? Even if you detox you are likely to left with 0 ambition/motivation/energy to do anything. Do you plan on just taking vacation time for a few months or looking for work AS you're battling wds/cleantime?
I'm telling myself too right now "I'm going to start tapering again when school ends" but thats bullshit. I ALWAYS find a reason to push that shit off. I set a date, find an excuse, set another date, find a better excuse.
Thats why for me personally, this is like an 'anyday' situation. Everyday I wake up and its like "is today the day? am I gonna start tapering again now?" and of course it doesn't happen. But I'm doing the same thing I did before which is drive myself crazy, and that worked last time to get me through tapering.
So my personal plan is to hop on a taper asap, so by the time school is over I'll be very close to read to jump off. And at that point though even if I do jump off I'm just gonna be left in paws again with an even heavier obligation over my head to get looking for a career. My family doesn't know I'm using same as yours so I'm not sure how you're gonna pull off avoiding a job/career.
Or maybe you can hold one down when you're trying to get clean? I sure as hell can't. Its a tricky situation but its always a best bet to start sooner than later imo. Lifes not going to get easier once school ends, you know that damn well too. Your parents are gonna be up your ass about working.
I'm kinda curious what your thoughts are on this cause I myself have no fucking idea exactly what my strategy will be, but I think a strategy based on starting very soon is the right idea. I just know if I wait till schools over my excuse at that point will be "I have to use so I can hold down a job". Even though I can't, but its still easier to hold one down when I'm high than freshly clean... I'll likely just lose it in a few months then who knows what will happen.
Either way though I'm not getting down about it, I have one thing good going for me and I can handle quite a bit of stress, I'm not scared of wds, Im just scared of being in that same position I was this past sept being clean and not being able to do literally anything at all. Its one thing when you read it its another thing when it happens to you, I just could NOT move at all. Like a fucking zombie that sat on my computer 18 hours a day depressed as shit trying to pass the time.
But one day I was sitting in class and my clinical therapy professor brought up the fact that a lot of students with anxiety disorders will often delay their education and try to stay in college as long as possible to avoid being thrown into the 'real world'.
And I know this absolutely applies to me because the last 2 years in a row I intentionally avoided my internship required to graduate just so I'd have an excuse not to dive into a full time career.
I just see a lot of people in here saying "wait till you get your degree" but that could potentionally be a recipe for disaster.
After you get your degree than what? You're not going to have ANYTHING to do, and a fulltime job for me is much more stressful than going to school full time. I mean 12 credits a week for me is nothing, 40-50 hours working a 9-5 job I fucking hate. Its more that I'm pretentious towards certain jobs though than lazy (like I refuse to work in retail for one and this business I got going now is turning out rather well which is just gonna spoil me further).
My point is though you're going to start tapering after school?
You have any idea how long that can really take you? It took me 3 months to do a taper off pods that I could handle, and I've seen you try tapering before and I really don't think its going to work. Also, the worst thing thats likely to happen is once you DO get clean, you're likely to have a nasty case of paws to deal with. I mean you've been using pretty potent opiates for a while now, and my last bout of paws rendered me 100% useless.
I couldn't do shit, was falling behind in school, house chores, keeping up on my hygeine. I had NO CHOICE but to go back to using to get through this semester. But if I had an obligation hanging over my head where I just graduated, and my family was expecting me to put on a suit and tie to go out looking for a career... NO FUCKING WAY would that have happened. Even if I was using and not in paws I can't hold down a fulltime job, and untill I get through the first 2-3 months of paws its going to be just as hard to hold down a job.
Have you thought about this? Even if you detox you are likely to left with 0 ambition/motivation/energy to do anything. Do you plan on just taking vacation time for a few months or looking for work AS you're battling wds/cleantime?
I'm telling myself too right now "I'm going to start tapering again when school ends" but thats bullshit. I ALWAYS find a reason to push that shit off. I set a date, find an excuse, set another date, find a better excuse.
Thats why for me personally, this is like an 'anyday' situation. Everyday I wake up and its like "is today the day? am I gonna start tapering again now?" and of course it doesn't happen. But I'm doing the same thing I did before which is drive myself crazy, and that worked last time to get me through tapering.
So my personal plan is to hop on a taper asap, so by the time school is over I'll be very close to read to jump off. And at that point though even if I do jump off I'm just gonna be left in paws again with an even heavier obligation over my head to get looking for a career. My family doesn't know I'm using same as yours so I'm not sure how you're gonna pull off avoiding a job/career.
Or maybe you can hold one down when you're trying to get clean? I sure as hell can't. Its a tricky situation but its always a best bet to start sooner than later imo. Lifes not going to get easier once school ends, you know that damn well too. Your parents are gonna be up your ass about working.
I'm kinda curious what your thoughts are on this cause I myself have no fucking idea exactly what my strategy will be, but I think a strategy based on starting very soon is the right idea. I just know if I wait till schools over my excuse at that point will be "I have to use so I can hold down a job". Even though I can't, but its still easier to hold one down when I'm high than freshly clean... I'll likely just lose it in a few months then who knows what will happen.
Either way though I'm not getting down about it, I have one thing good going for me and I can handle quite a bit of stress, I'm not scared of wds, Im just scared of being in that same position I was this past sept being clean and not being able to do literally anything at all. Its one thing when you read it its another thing when it happens to you, I just could NOT move at all. Like a fucking zombie that sat on my computer 18 hours a day depressed as shit trying to pass the time.
Good points everyone. I still dont know what i wanna do .....................i wana quit dope and methadone but i dont think i will make it thru the withdrawls, that is why to just walk off clinic now would be bad because i have 3 weeks left of the semester so i may as well finish them and then if i need to go to detox somewhere i wont have to worry about missing school...............
i have thought about skipping my meth dose 2 days and gettin it cut in half to 30 mg , because i feel that isnt such a bad dose to be on , i feel 60 mg is still a lotta meth)
as far as diesel i dont really care if im doin it as long as im not risking my ass coppin in the hood. at moment i dont have to go to hood to cop and am gettin a few extra dollers so id rather get the meth down even if it means doin a little D because honestly although D is illegal , it isnt as hardcore as methadone.............id rather be sick a week from dope than a month from methadone. anyone agree?
i have thought about skipping my meth dose 2 days and gettin it cut in half to 30 mg , because i feel that isnt such a bad dose to be on , i feel 60 mg is still a lotta meth)
as far as diesel i dont really care if im doin it as long as im not risking my ass coppin in the hood. at moment i dont have to go to hood to cop and am gettin a few extra dollers so id rather get the meth down even if it means doin a little D because honestly although D is illegal , it isnt as hardcore as methadone.............id rather be sick a week from dope than a month from methadone. anyone agree?
You should absolutely NOT just skip your shit and go from 60 to 30 mg!! Nooo, dont do that dude, you cant just cut a methadone dose like that, it will fuck you up and youll go runnin for the dope.
Seriously, bad move yo.
It sounds like you want it all and you want it NOW....Jake you cant have it all right away.
You are so anxious of gettin this shit done that you want it to all happen RIGHTNOW, but it dont work that way. rushin it is just gonna end you up in a bigger pile of shit yo. You gotta take it slow take your time and do it RIGHT.
It seems like you are so worried about the IDEA Of bein on the clinic, like it aint even that you actually, genuinely dont like it , but just that you got all these negative ideas about it, about how people will think of you, how people will see you, like you are ashamed of bein on it or somethin.
Try to stop thinking about "wat will people think" and just think about yourself...Not about the fuckin stereotypes and shit, but just that RIGHT NOW, for this moment, its helpin you, and you gotta move slowly towards the right direction. rushin it, pushin it before its ready, is just gonna screw your shit up yo, if you wanna detox you need to do it RIGHT. My man got put on admin detox over a year ago. In like 3 weeks they took him down little by little. He was hurtin, but it wasnt as bad as everybody said. When you only been on the shit a few months it aint that bad.
plus, methadone, when you taper verrrrrry slow, its alot less worse than when you do a fast taper. Seriously , if you do that shit a few mg a week, it will take forever but you wont have to deal with as severe of a wd and it can bring you down much more confortably.
When you was on dope you didnt think "oh ima have to kick tomorrow" you just got high for now cuz its how you did shit. You didnt worry about all this shit about tomorrow. It was HURTING you to ignore tomorrow, but you did it. but now, now that you are gettin help and movin towards gettin clean, all you can think about is tomorrow and "ima have to get off methadone someday" and its hurting you to keep worrying about tomorrow instaed of just gettin thru today.
i aint sayin laugh now cry later, but just that in the past you had no problem ignoring the future , and it hurt you. in this situation, ignoring the future, just a little bit, will help you -- help you to consider the shit thats importnat NOW, and not tomorrow. Worrying about "well someday ima have to get off it" and letting that ruin your progress now aint gonna help you yo. You need to quit thinking about gettin off it, detoxing, all that shit, and just focus on right now, that this is helping you right now, and its wat you gotta do right now. All this worry about the future, all this anxiety---you are really gettin ahead of yourself yo. You cant do it all at once. Slow down guy. Its gonna be aight but you gotta stop stressin about everydamn thing you cant control and worry about the ones you can. Right now you are just thinking about everything except the shit that is important.
right now, i honestly think you should stop worryin about, my dad would think im a scumbag, my NA meeting friends are talking shit about me, im scared to WD off it, etc etc and just go wtih it, for the time being. You are on it now, you cant just stop takin it, so just do wat you gotta do and stop worrying about all this outisde shit! Its like you got so much noise up in your face , so much static from the outside that you cant even think straight about WTF you really want to do. Try to center yourself and just focus a lil bit and quit lettin all this interference run your shit, it might help you clear out your mind a lil bit yo.
Seriously, bad move yo.
It sounds like you want it all and you want it NOW....Jake you cant have it all right away.
You are so anxious of gettin this shit done that you want it to all happen RIGHTNOW, but it dont work that way. rushin it is just gonna end you up in a bigger pile of shit yo. You gotta take it slow take your time and do it RIGHT.
It seems like you are so worried about the IDEA Of bein on the clinic, like it aint even that you actually, genuinely dont like it , but just that you got all these negative ideas about it, about how people will think of you, how people will see you, like you are ashamed of bein on it or somethin.
Try to stop thinking about "wat will people think" and just think about yourself...Not about the fuckin stereotypes and shit, but just that RIGHT NOW, for this moment, its helpin you, and you gotta move slowly towards the right direction. rushin it, pushin it before its ready, is just gonna screw your shit up yo, if you wanna detox you need to do it RIGHT. My man got put on admin detox over a year ago. In like 3 weeks they took him down little by little. He was hurtin, but it wasnt as bad as everybody said. When you only been on the shit a few months it aint that bad.
plus, methadone, when you taper verrrrrry slow, its alot less worse than when you do a fast taper. Seriously , if you do that shit a few mg a week, it will take forever but you wont have to deal with as severe of a wd and it can bring you down much more confortably.
When you was on dope you didnt think "oh ima have to kick tomorrow" you just got high for now cuz its how you did shit. You didnt worry about all this shit about tomorrow. It was HURTING you to ignore tomorrow, but you did it. but now, now that you are gettin help and movin towards gettin clean, all you can think about is tomorrow and "ima have to get off methadone someday" and its hurting you to keep worrying about tomorrow instaed of just gettin thru today.
i aint sayin laugh now cry later, but just that in the past you had no problem ignoring the future , and it hurt you. in this situation, ignoring the future, just a little bit, will help you -- help you to consider the shit thats importnat NOW, and not tomorrow. Worrying about "well someday ima have to get off it" and letting that ruin your progress now aint gonna help you yo. You need to quit thinking about gettin off it, detoxing, all that shit, and just focus on right now, that this is helping you right now, and its wat you gotta do right now. All this worry about the future, all this anxiety---you are really gettin ahead of yourself yo. You cant do it all at once. Slow down guy. Its gonna be aight but you gotta stop stressin about everydamn thing you cant control and worry about the ones you can. Right now you are just thinking about everything except the shit that is important.
right now, i honestly think you should stop worryin about, my dad would think im a scumbag, my NA meeting friends are talking shit about me, im scared to WD off it, etc etc and just go wtih it, for the time being. You are on it now, you cant just stop takin it, so just do wat you gotta do and stop worrying about all this outisde shit! Its like you got so much noise up in your face , so much static from the outside that you cant even think straight about WTF you really want to do. Try to center yourself and just focus a lil bit and quit lettin all this interference run your shit, it might help you clear out your mind a lil bit yo.
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Thanks a lot . U are a big help . I went to counselor today and am gonna go from 60 to 55 this week............also gonna see the psych to maybe get something to help the anxiety............U are right , i just gotta chill because i still am on my klonopin (which they dont allow but i neeed and i have a way around that) but i gotta stop messing with D on top of the meth and stop messin with powder.............Its just once i got my unemployment money i had mad extra cash and a connect that always had right nearby so its been so hard to resist............i was doin much better before that money came in ...............
villian
Bluelighter
Start looking for something you enjoy in life other then drugs.
If once you get money the first thing you do is get high even though you are already on methadone, that's a problem.
Just start examining yourself and what you want in life.. you need something to live for..
If once you get money the first thing you do is get high even though you are already on methadone, that's a problem.
Just start examining yourself and what you want in life.. you need something to live for..
Jake, wat kinda shit do you like?
I mean in general. I know when i was on dope, it was honestly, genuinely tough to think of anything. so it might be hard for you to remember the shit you use to be interested in before dope took over your life.
for me....I love art. I always been drawing since i was a little kid. I dont do it enough these days even tho Im clean now, but i NEVER drew or did any type of art when i was on dope. I love to design tattoos and characters and comic book type shit like that.
I also write too, just for myself, I always post in my bl blog on here but its kinda a private thing , i just do it to entertain myself and let my thoughts out, its just somethin that helps to put my memories down on paper and shit.
I always been mad interested in Chinese and Japanese stuff. I dont really know why. It just seems so foreign and unfamiliar and DIFFERENT than everything here in America. Like, I love seein the paintings they got hanging up in chinese restaurants, even. I also think their gardens are mad cool. They make some elaborate-ass gardens with all kind of bridges and pathways and pagodas and gateways and cool shit like that. Its just a interest I have, I like to watch movies that show the scenery of china and japan, I like to see the artwork from those countries and that kinda shit. I dont really know why it just intrigues me.
I like readin and learning shit abou the dope trade in the US, like how it started and all that. About NYC in the 80s, how they had dope spots ran like a straight up bizness, with hours of opening and closing and everything. learnin about where the slang comes from, learnin about when stamp bags first started becoming the standard way for dope to get sold, the whole history of it, just the whole damn thing, from the chinese dope and opium dens and shit in the 20s and 30s to frank lucas in the 70s to the colombians taking over in the 80s and the purity goin up and stamp bags and all that shit.
Even tho I got kicked outta beauty school, i still love cosmetology, doin hair, nails, make up. I like to learn about new techniques of styling hair, new hair treatments and technology that they comin out with, etc. All stuff related to that.
Thats just some of my interests--so, here is some shit that I did with my time when i first got clean, and that i still do now too.
--I draw tattoo designs. When i get inspiration i will go hard on it and just get mad into it for hours and hours. Alot of the designs that I have made are somehow related to my experience with dope and the struggle with addiction. Heres two...
(that one aint a good quality scan, the real version is much more finely detailed but the scanner musta processed it at a low resolution or somethin, but u get the idea)
So doin that kinda thing always makes me feel good...that i got something i was feeling, OUT onto a page, and that also when i am done, i got somethin to show for it, a picture, a sketch, or w/ever...
--I go out to the art supply store and i check out the new shit they got...All kinda markers, colored pencils, pens, papers....i mostly do my art all with colored pencil, pen and marker for the most part so i just go in there and look at all the different shit they got. Sometimes i just look,and make a list of the shit i will buy when i got the money. And sometimes i go and buy a ton of shit and bring it home and play with all my new art toys, just testin out the colors, sketchin, fuckin around, just enjoyin having all these colors at my fingertips to use for anything i can imagine to draw.
--When I get real bored sometimes I just write. Just , anything at all. Just WTFever comes to my mind. in a notebook or on the computer or watever. Maybe i write about some shit in my past, you know, paint a picture of a certain time in my life and try and recreate it as realistic as i can....Other times i just bullshit , how im feelin today, the shit passin thru my mind, how i feel about any and everything. Just watever. Nobody ever gonna read it. its just my thoughts. It helps me to organize my mind, you know? This is one of the things that I do , but that I think you could also benefit from but more on that later.
--I set up a trip to go to Brooklyn and see the Japanese Hill and Pond Garden in the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
I dont wanna bomb the thread with pix so Ill leave it at those. I didnt get to go yet, but plannin the trip for when I do get a chance to go, gives me somethin to look forward to. It looks so fuckin cool and I cant wait to go see it for myself. It looks mad peaceful too, like a place that could be really calm and make you feel relaxed inside and take away your stress, and for somebody gettin off dope that is defiantely somewhere you wanna be at.
--I also thought museums were REALLY FUCKIN LAME!!! I did NOT want to go to a fuckin stupid-ass museum, no fuckin way. I thought that was about the most dumb ass waste of time thing to do with a day. But one day, my moms asked me if i wanted to come along with her and my younger sisters , that they felt like gettin outta the house, it was hot as fuck and we aint got A/C, and the museum is free, so i said fuckit and came with them. We went to the Metropolitan museum of art. And it actually was pretty damn cool yo. I never imagined it would be, but it was. They had this whole wing of Japanese and Chinese art from like thousands of years ago all the way up til more recent times.
And they even had a whole room set up as a chinese garden. with a lil shrine and shit, and all different kind of plants and ponds with koi fish in them and shit. It was pretty sick. And downstairs, they had all this shit from Egypt yo, it was the real-deal shit that they took right outtta the desert and brought it here to NY to put inside the museum. It had hieroglyphics carved into the walls and all kinda graffiti on it from like 1812 and shit. It was nutz. And they had burial tomb things and egyptian coffins and all kinda statues and carved shit, It was pretty damn cool, i mean the shit is thousands of years old, from the B.C. times and all. So i ended up actually havin a kinda good day, just lookin at all these old-ass pictures from china and goin in the egyptian tomb and shit. They ask for a donation but you can go in there and give em a fuckin quarter and they gotta let you in. Its HUGE, and theres mad shit to see. you can easily spend a whole day in there and not see a fraction of it. you could go there over and over and see somethin new everytime. and you can learn shit too, but its kinda fun, it aint boring and lame like you would think.
--I been searchin on BL for posts by some of the old timer posters who was around in the old days of dope back in the 70s and 80s to read about that era of the dope scene. there is a few posters who realy know their shit and can tell you tons and tons of information about those days. I love learnin about the first stamp bags and where the dope spots used to be at and how it was before Jewliani cleaned up new york and all that. NYC in general in the 70s and 80s was always interesting to me but expecially the stuff about the dope game and how it developed into the way it is today.
So i reasearch on BL, read the shit folks got to say, and look up shit online, just read as much as i can. Its interesting to me, I like to learn this stuff. And it feeds my thirst to still be learning about dope, to be involved in SOME way, becuz i could never just totally completely leave it behind, you know? I will always have some kinda attachment to dope, so intead of talkin about gettin high and thinkin about using instead i educate myself about the HISTORY of dope and all that shit. Its cool becuz not only does it satisfy your interest in dope without using but you also learn shit too and its always good to be educated on somethin you care about.
--Sometimes I go down the shore...In the summer, yea, but in the winter and fall too. I love bein by the ocean. It never gets old for me. Even in winter, goin and sittin on the beach, havin a picnic with my man sittin on the sand together...its just mad chill and enjoyable. And its free, other than the gas money and the money for packin food to bring with you, you know? Its mad peaceful to sit by the ocean and see the waves crashin on the shore, especially durin the winter or fall when its all gray outside and bland but you go by the ocean and its just like it hypnotizes you as the tide goes in and out. For me its always mad relaxing, like i feel like its a form of meditation or somethin.
I could keep goin and goin, but I dont wanna bore you. Thats just some examples--shit that I am interested in, that I like, and the ways that I use those interests to find shit to do that will be fun for me. and none of it needs to involve gettin high first.
the point is, all this shit, is stufff that I do totally unrelated to dope, that i actualy enjoy and have FUN doing. And when I do it, i aint thinking like "oh, this is ok but it would be better on dope". I actually just enjoy it for wat it is. When i first got clean NOTHING was fun. It was like somebody had just sucked all the interest i had in everything right outta my life, and nothin mattered no more without diesel in my life. But gradually, as i got stabilized on the methadone clinic and was there for a couple months, my interests started creepin back again. And i started DOIN shit again. Just doin shit for fun. For no reason except that I could. And i would think of it and be like "ehh, doing ______...sounds kinda lame,,,i dont know....." but then i would go do it and be like , Woah! I can ENJOY things again? WITHOUT dope? No fuckin way! This is GREAT!!
Around the 4th of july i went to go see as many different fireworks displays as i could...Looked up all the different towns having them and went to a few different ones, the shit was really fun yo. me and my man, we went and bought some good cold cuts and bread and snacks and shit and then we brought a blanket and some pillows and set them out on the grass and we had ourselves a bangin picnic and ate good food while we waited for the show to start...It was a good time, just a really, truly, enjoyable, nice good fun time.
If you think about the shit that you care about, or careD about before you got on the D....Try to think of some stuff to do related to that. it sounds like you aint got a whole lot goin on in your life that is fun or enjoyable, even WITH dope involved. But part of gettin clean really is just fillin in the time. and if you can start to slowly come up wtih things that you used to enjoy, and just do them for teh sake of doin them, slowly you start to enjoy em again and end up havin interestes and hobbies and shit that you do in your spare time that aint related to drugs.
I realize that the shit *I* am interested in and listed here aint gonna be the shit YOU like. but i just posted it as a example, of the things that you might consider. I mean, my lil Japan/china obsession, that aint even a real thing. It aint a hobby or nothing. It aint a major interest, it aint a passion or nothin like that. its just this little "pet interest" of mine I guess, just this little thing that intrigues me. But i found that garden in BK, and theres another one in Staten Island too, and it gave me somethin to do. It gave me a plan, a trip to take, somethin to look forward to , you know?
I guess i just posted all this to get you started, to get your mind workin and considering 'hey, wats some stuff i could do......"....
So, thats that. Its just somethin to read over and think about. But Ima make another post after this, i am making them seperate becuz they are 2 different things and I didnt want to make a really long ass post and it not get read. The real important post is the next one, i want you to pay special attention to it so i am puttin it apart from this one. So keep readin, I got a suggestion for you....
I mean in general. I know when i was on dope, it was honestly, genuinely tough to think of anything. so it might be hard for you to remember the shit you use to be interested in before dope took over your life.
for me....I love art. I always been drawing since i was a little kid. I dont do it enough these days even tho Im clean now, but i NEVER drew or did any type of art when i was on dope. I love to design tattoos and characters and comic book type shit like that.
I also write too, just for myself, I always post in my bl blog on here but its kinda a private thing , i just do it to entertain myself and let my thoughts out, its just somethin that helps to put my memories down on paper and shit.
I always been mad interested in Chinese and Japanese stuff. I dont really know why. It just seems so foreign and unfamiliar and DIFFERENT than everything here in America. Like, I love seein the paintings they got hanging up in chinese restaurants, even. I also think their gardens are mad cool. They make some elaborate-ass gardens with all kind of bridges and pathways and pagodas and gateways and cool shit like that. Its just a interest I have, I like to watch movies that show the scenery of china and japan, I like to see the artwork from those countries and that kinda shit. I dont really know why it just intrigues me.
I like readin and learning shit abou the dope trade in the US, like how it started and all that. About NYC in the 80s, how they had dope spots ran like a straight up bizness, with hours of opening and closing and everything. learnin about where the slang comes from, learnin about when stamp bags first started becoming the standard way for dope to get sold, the whole history of it, just the whole damn thing, from the chinese dope and opium dens and shit in the 20s and 30s to frank lucas in the 70s to the colombians taking over in the 80s and the purity goin up and stamp bags and all that shit.
Even tho I got kicked outta beauty school, i still love cosmetology, doin hair, nails, make up. I like to learn about new techniques of styling hair, new hair treatments and technology that they comin out with, etc. All stuff related to that.
Thats just some of my interests--so, here is some shit that I did with my time when i first got clean, and that i still do now too.
--I draw tattoo designs. When i get inspiration i will go hard on it and just get mad into it for hours and hours. Alot of the designs that I have made are somehow related to my experience with dope and the struggle with addiction. Heres two...
(that one aint a good quality scan, the real version is much more finely detailed but the scanner musta processed it at a low resolution or somethin, but u get the idea)
So doin that kinda thing always makes me feel good...that i got something i was feeling, OUT onto a page, and that also when i am done, i got somethin to show for it, a picture, a sketch, or w/ever...
--I go out to the art supply store and i check out the new shit they got...All kinda markers, colored pencils, pens, papers....i mostly do my art all with colored pencil, pen and marker for the most part so i just go in there and look at all the different shit they got. Sometimes i just look,and make a list of the shit i will buy when i got the money. And sometimes i go and buy a ton of shit and bring it home and play with all my new art toys, just testin out the colors, sketchin, fuckin around, just enjoyin having all these colors at my fingertips to use for anything i can imagine to draw.
--When I get real bored sometimes I just write. Just , anything at all. Just WTFever comes to my mind. in a notebook or on the computer or watever. Maybe i write about some shit in my past, you know, paint a picture of a certain time in my life and try and recreate it as realistic as i can....Other times i just bullshit , how im feelin today, the shit passin thru my mind, how i feel about any and everything. Just watever. Nobody ever gonna read it. its just my thoughts. It helps me to organize my mind, you know? This is one of the things that I do , but that I think you could also benefit from but more on that later.
--I set up a trip to go to Brooklyn and see the Japanese Hill and Pond Garden in the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
I dont wanna bomb the thread with pix so Ill leave it at those. I didnt get to go yet, but plannin the trip for when I do get a chance to go, gives me somethin to look forward to. It looks so fuckin cool and I cant wait to go see it for myself. It looks mad peaceful too, like a place that could be really calm and make you feel relaxed inside and take away your stress, and for somebody gettin off dope that is defiantely somewhere you wanna be at.
--I also thought museums were REALLY FUCKIN LAME!!! I did NOT want to go to a fuckin stupid-ass museum, no fuckin way. I thought that was about the most dumb ass waste of time thing to do with a day. But one day, my moms asked me if i wanted to come along with her and my younger sisters , that they felt like gettin outta the house, it was hot as fuck and we aint got A/C, and the museum is free, so i said fuckit and came with them. We went to the Metropolitan museum of art. And it actually was pretty damn cool yo. I never imagined it would be, but it was. They had this whole wing of Japanese and Chinese art from like thousands of years ago all the way up til more recent times.
And they even had a whole room set up as a chinese garden. with a lil shrine and shit, and all different kind of plants and ponds with koi fish in them and shit. It was pretty sick. And downstairs, they had all this shit from Egypt yo, it was the real-deal shit that they took right outtta the desert and brought it here to NY to put inside the museum. It had hieroglyphics carved into the walls and all kinda graffiti on it from like 1812 and shit. It was nutz. And they had burial tomb things and egyptian coffins and all kinda statues and carved shit, It was pretty damn cool, i mean the shit is thousands of years old, from the B.C. times and all. So i ended up actually havin a kinda good day, just lookin at all these old-ass pictures from china and goin in the egyptian tomb and shit. They ask for a donation but you can go in there and give em a fuckin quarter and they gotta let you in. Its HUGE, and theres mad shit to see. you can easily spend a whole day in there and not see a fraction of it. you could go there over and over and see somethin new everytime. and you can learn shit too, but its kinda fun, it aint boring and lame like you would think.
--I been searchin on BL for posts by some of the old timer posters who was around in the old days of dope back in the 70s and 80s to read about that era of the dope scene. there is a few posters who realy know their shit and can tell you tons and tons of information about those days. I love learnin about the first stamp bags and where the dope spots used to be at and how it was before Jewliani cleaned up new york and all that. NYC in general in the 70s and 80s was always interesting to me but expecially the stuff about the dope game and how it developed into the way it is today.
So i reasearch on BL, read the shit folks got to say, and look up shit online, just read as much as i can. Its interesting to me, I like to learn this stuff. And it feeds my thirst to still be learning about dope, to be involved in SOME way, becuz i could never just totally completely leave it behind, you know? I will always have some kinda attachment to dope, so intead of talkin about gettin high and thinkin about using instead i educate myself about the HISTORY of dope and all that shit. Its cool becuz not only does it satisfy your interest in dope without using but you also learn shit too and its always good to be educated on somethin you care about.
--Sometimes I go down the shore...In the summer, yea, but in the winter and fall too. I love bein by the ocean. It never gets old for me. Even in winter, goin and sittin on the beach, havin a picnic with my man sittin on the sand together...its just mad chill and enjoyable. And its free, other than the gas money and the money for packin food to bring with you, you know? Its mad peaceful to sit by the ocean and see the waves crashin on the shore, especially durin the winter or fall when its all gray outside and bland but you go by the ocean and its just like it hypnotizes you as the tide goes in and out. For me its always mad relaxing, like i feel like its a form of meditation or somethin.
I could keep goin and goin, but I dont wanna bore you. Thats just some examples--shit that I am interested in, that I like, and the ways that I use those interests to find shit to do that will be fun for me. and none of it needs to involve gettin high first.
the point is, all this shit, is stufff that I do totally unrelated to dope, that i actualy enjoy and have FUN doing. And when I do it, i aint thinking like "oh, this is ok but it would be better on dope". I actually just enjoy it for wat it is. When i first got clean NOTHING was fun. It was like somebody had just sucked all the interest i had in everything right outta my life, and nothin mattered no more without diesel in my life. But gradually, as i got stabilized on the methadone clinic and was there for a couple months, my interests started creepin back again. And i started DOIN shit again. Just doin shit for fun. For no reason except that I could. And i would think of it and be like "ehh, doing ______...sounds kinda lame,,,i dont know....." but then i would go do it and be like , Woah! I can ENJOY things again? WITHOUT dope? No fuckin way! This is GREAT!!
Around the 4th of july i went to go see as many different fireworks displays as i could...Looked up all the different towns having them and went to a few different ones, the shit was really fun yo. me and my man, we went and bought some good cold cuts and bread and snacks and shit and then we brought a blanket and some pillows and set them out on the grass and we had ourselves a bangin picnic and ate good food while we waited for the show to start...It was a good time, just a really, truly, enjoyable, nice good fun time.
If you think about the shit that you care about, or careD about before you got on the D....Try to think of some stuff to do related to that. it sounds like you aint got a whole lot goin on in your life that is fun or enjoyable, even WITH dope involved. But part of gettin clean really is just fillin in the time. and if you can start to slowly come up wtih things that you used to enjoy, and just do them for teh sake of doin them, slowly you start to enjoy em again and end up havin interestes and hobbies and shit that you do in your spare time that aint related to drugs.
I realize that the shit *I* am interested in and listed here aint gonna be the shit YOU like. but i just posted it as a example, of the things that you might consider. I mean, my lil Japan/china obsession, that aint even a real thing. It aint a hobby or nothing. It aint a major interest, it aint a passion or nothin like that. its just this little "pet interest" of mine I guess, just this little thing that intrigues me. But i found that garden in BK, and theres another one in Staten Island too, and it gave me somethin to do. It gave me a plan, a trip to take, somethin to look forward to , you know?
I guess i just posted all this to get you started, to get your mind workin and considering 'hey, wats some stuff i could do......"....
So, thats that. Its just somethin to read over and think about. But Ima make another post after this, i am making them seperate becuz they are 2 different things and I didnt want to make a really long ass post and it not get read. The real important post is the next one, i want you to pay special attention to it so i am puttin it apart from this one. So keep readin, I got a suggestion for you....
I want to share my emails with an old AA sponser with you guys. This guy is old school and has about 10 years sober , and i have known him about 7 years, and although he has always been around he says some pretty mean stuff when i reach out to help from him when i relapse, please read
Jake,I didn’t realize you were on the suboxone. This means you never were clean. You better get honest with your addiction. Though using a substitute, non-addictive drug is a medical benefit – it stops you from getting truly clean. How long have you ever been truly off all drugs –including the suboxone? I wish I had known about the substitute. It would explain a lot of your behavior. You don’t need meds or a shrink – you need to get clean. Only when this happens for a few months to a year can you start to find out if there are other issues. You are still using, my friend.
Keeping clean and sober can never successfully be done half-assed. You are either clean or you are not. Make up your mind. If you want to keep on getting high either through heroine or suboxone please do so and save yourself a lot of wasted time and effort. Either commit yourself to your sobriety or go have another run. Quick jerking off in the wind.
Jake,
Whatever you believe, Suboxone is a drug. Period. By your own admission you can’t stop taking it for fear of having withdrawals. So it affects your behavior. So I ask you again – how long have you been completely off all drugs including Suboxone?
Jake,
Why do you constantly fight what you know you should be doing? You claim the drug gives you time to work on yourself. Just how much work have you done in the past, say, three years? This honesty thing seems to allude you. The beginning of how it works seems to define you – there are those too who are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty – they are not at fault – they seemed to have been born that way. I believe this describes you. And I know that unless you do develop this honesty your chances of staying sober are, to put it to you honestly – less than zero. Sorry.
And most recently after telling him i need to go to detox but want to finish semester first.................
him Maybe you’ll finally start taking this stuff seriously ---- but I doubt it.
me why i know i got a serious problem..................
him No you don’t, asshole. If you knew just how serious your problem was, you would be working on it constantly and going to meetings every chance you had. You have no idea how much of a problem you have. Maybe your next stretch of county or state time will do the trick, but you are not there yet.
Jake,I didn’t realize you were on the suboxone. This means you never were clean. You better get honest with your addiction. Though using a substitute, non-addictive drug is a medical benefit – it stops you from getting truly clean. How long have you ever been truly off all drugs –including the suboxone? I wish I had known about the substitute. It would explain a lot of your behavior. You don’t need meds or a shrink – you need to get clean. Only when this happens for a few months to a year can you start to find out if there are other issues. You are still using, my friend.
Keeping clean and sober can never successfully be done half-assed. You are either clean or you are not. Make up your mind. If you want to keep on getting high either through heroine or suboxone please do so and save yourself a lot of wasted time and effort. Either commit yourself to your sobriety or go have another run. Quick jerking off in the wind.
Jake,
Whatever you believe, Suboxone is a drug. Period. By your own admission you can’t stop taking it for fear of having withdrawals. So it affects your behavior. So I ask you again – how long have you been completely off all drugs including Suboxone?
Jake,
Why do you constantly fight what you know you should be doing? You claim the drug gives you time to work on yourself. Just how much work have you done in the past, say, three years? This honesty thing seems to allude you. The beginning of how it works seems to define you – there are those too who are incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty – they are not at fault – they seemed to have been born that way. I believe this describes you. And I know that unless you do develop this honesty your chances of staying sober are, to put it to you honestly – less than zero. Sorry.
And most recently after telling him i need to go to detox but want to finish semester first.................
him Maybe you’ll finally start taking this stuff seriously ---- but I doubt it.
me why i know i got a serious problem..................
him No you don’t, asshole. If you knew just how serious your problem was, you would be working on it constantly and going to meetings every chance you had. You have no idea how much of a problem you have. Maybe your next stretch of county or state time will do the trick, but you are not there yet.
Aight...this is a thought for you....somethin i think could really help you out if you give it a try.... It sounds like some dumb shit they would tell you to do in rehab, but seriously, word bond I am deadass serious i really, really think you should. you post on here all the time you know, so my suggestion aint a whole lot different. I think you should take some time out of everyday, whenever you got a minute that you aint doin shit, that you just sittin, and start to write. How you feel that day. the thoughts in your head, the shit bothering you today, the concerns or fears you got, WTFever, it dont matter. Its just for you, not nobody else.
You aint even gotta physically write it down in a notebook or nothing. Just make up a word document on your computer and TYPE if you rather do that than write on paper. everyday, do it. No matter if you feel like you got something to write about or not, just do that shit. Just vent, let it all out. how you feel, the shit thats bothering you, the shit thats makin you anxious, upset, thats on your mind. Anything, everything, no matter how stupid you think it is or how pointless you think it is to write it. just write and write til your mind is totally empty and blank and you aint got a damn thing left to say. just keep goin til you are totally exhausted of shit to write.
Doin that, its like cleanin out the clutter in your drawers of your mental dresser. You just keep goin and goin til every last thing is just outta there. til you got a clean slate. And then ,you can actually THINK again. ONce you get all that mess out, whether its shit that you will look back on someday and be like wow, that was pretty smart, or whether its just some dumbass shit that dont mean a damn thing, writin it down is a way to get it outta your head and outta the way of you thinking clearly. When you got all this junk and mess in your head like you got right now, it will really affect your ability to think straight. its sounds like you just got so much shit floatin around in there that you cant quiet down all the interference long enough to have a quiet moment to yourself. And when you cant focus like that it makes it really , realy hard to seriosuly consider the shit that you do need to think about carefully.
Writin it all down everyday, its like pulling the plug on your brain and lettin all the dirty bathwater drain out. So on one hand its just a cleaning exercise, just a way for you to clean out all your mental garbage and clutter. But on another hand, alot of the time you will realize that you actually find some really useful, intelligent shit mixed in there and learn about yourself thru that. thoughts that you write down and then read later and be like "wow, that is on point!" Shit that is hidden from yourself, shit that kinda hides in the shadows when you are TRYING to think, tends to come out the woodwork when you are just writin in a kinda stream of conscious way. you might learn some things about yourself, your addiction, watever, and find answers to some problems that been bothering you when you look back later at th shit you wrote. And you can learn from it, shit that you didnt even realize you knew, it will come out in that writing. You can learn alot about yourself and where your head is really at if you just let the words stream out of you and dont edit or censor yourself but just let it flow uninterrupted. just anything that crosses your mind, anything you want to, no limit, no restrictions, no nothing--dont let nothin be in the way, just let it naturally come out of you and put it down on the page or the screen and I guarantee you will feel better when its done.
You do that shit everyday, whether its in the mornin, or at night before you go to bed, or when the fuck ever, and word bond, I truly, honestly do believe that it will make some difference for you. It might not be huge, but it WILL help you in some way. Even if it is very small. Even the way it helps you ends up only bein that it helps you to keep your head clearer than it was before, then thats somethin, you know? If theres anything you try that I suggested so far, please try this. Im serious....And it aint gonna hurt you to try...You got plenty of time for it, and it aint even gotta take long anyways just as long as YOU want it to. Just do it, for the fuck of it. Even if you think its dumb and pointless, just give it a shot and see wat comes out and how you feel when you are done, you might as well, right? I mean shit, you been tryin all this other shit that aint seem to help, so why not this? You aint even gotta leave your chair to do it. Aint gotta go out to a meeting, aint gotta talk to nobody, aint gotta share nothing you dont want to...Just you and yourself gettin down to it and lettin your deepest, and shallowest, thoughts out of your head so that you can have some space for yourself in there to think straight for once.
I really believe in this shit, I know it can be mad helpful cuz I done it myself. its like doin therapy with yourself, you feel me? You aint gotta deal with other people, or dumbass counselors, or none of that shit. its just therapeutic for you to do it and i really think that if you will give it a try you would feel even just a little bit better about how your situation is right now. yo, you aint got nothin to lose, so seriosuly give it a shot yo, Id really like to hear how it works out for you, i think it could help you for real.
You aint even gotta physically write it down in a notebook or nothing. Just make up a word document on your computer and TYPE if you rather do that than write on paper. everyday, do it. No matter if you feel like you got something to write about or not, just do that shit. Just vent, let it all out. how you feel, the shit thats bothering you, the shit thats makin you anxious, upset, thats on your mind. Anything, everything, no matter how stupid you think it is or how pointless you think it is to write it. just write and write til your mind is totally empty and blank and you aint got a damn thing left to say. just keep goin til you are totally exhausted of shit to write.
Doin that, its like cleanin out the clutter in your drawers of your mental dresser. You just keep goin and goin til every last thing is just outta there. til you got a clean slate. And then ,you can actually THINK again. ONce you get all that mess out, whether its shit that you will look back on someday and be like wow, that was pretty smart, or whether its just some dumbass shit that dont mean a damn thing, writin it down is a way to get it outta your head and outta the way of you thinking clearly. When you got all this junk and mess in your head like you got right now, it will really affect your ability to think straight. its sounds like you just got so much shit floatin around in there that you cant quiet down all the interference long enough to have a quiet moment to yourself. And when you cant focus like that it makes it really , realy hard to seriosuly consider the shit that you do need to think about carefully.
Writin it all down everyday, its like pulling the plug on your brain and lettin all the dirty bathwater drain out. So on one hand its just a cleaning exercise, just a way for you to clean out all your mental garbage and clutter. But on another hand, alot of the time you will realize that you actually find some really useful, intelligent shit mixed in there and learn about yourself thru that. thoughts that you write down and then read later and be like "wow, that is on point!" Shit that is hidden from yourself, shit that kinda hides in the shadows when you are TRYING to think, tends to come out the woodwork when you are just writin in a kinda stream of conscious way. you might learn some things about yourself, your addiction, watever, and find answers to some problems that been bothering you when you look back later at th shit you wrote. And you can learn from it, shit that you didnt even realize you knew, it will come out in that writing. You can learn alot about yourself and where your head is really at if you just let the words stream out of you and dont edit or censor yourself but just let it flow uninterrupted. just anything that crosses your mind, anything you want to, no limit, no restrictions, no nothing--dont let nothin be in the way, just let it naturally come out of you and put it down on the page or the screen and I guarantee you will feel better when its done.
You do that shit everyday, whether its in the mornin, or at night before you go to bed, or when the fuck ever, and word bond, I truly, honestly do believe that it will make some difference for you. It might not be huge, but it WILL help you in some way. Even if it is very small. Even the way it helps you ends up only bein that it helps you to keep your head clearer than it was before, then thats somethin, you know? If theres anything you try that I suggested so far, please try this. Im serious....And it aint gonna hurt you to try...You got plenty of time for it, and it aint even gotta take long anyways just as long as YOU want it to. Just do it, for the fuck of it. Even if you think its dumb and pointless, just give it a shot and see wat comes out and how you feel when you are done, you might as well, right? I mean shit, you been tryin all this other shit that aint seem to help, so why not this? You aint even gotta leave your chair to do it. Aint gotta go out to a meeting, aint gotta talk to nobody, aint gotta share nothing you dont want to...Just you and yourself gettin down to it and lettin your deepest, and shallowest, thoughts out of your head so that you can have some space for yourself in there to think straight for once.
I really believe in this shit, I know it can be mad helpful cuz I done it myself. its like doin therapy with yourself, you feel me? You aint gotta deal with other people, or dumbass counselors, or none of that shit. its just therapeutic for you to do it and i really think that if you will give it a try you would feel even just a little bit better about how your situation is right now. yo, you aint got nothin to lose, so seriosuly give it a shot yo, Id really like to hear how it works out for you, i think it could help you for real.
good stuff lacey , great drawings. i saved the one of the heart and needle. although i wasnt a shooter (have before but mainly sniff) it is a sweet tattoo that i wouldnt mind gettin .................i saved the pic..............who knows maybe someday when im clean it could remind me of these days. anyway im really impressed by the stuff you talked about , and it all sounds cool. i actually do like some of that kinda stuff , museums and all, just seems i have no one to do anything with too often. the n.a. ppl dont wanna hang with me becase i got honest and said i relapsed again . i got 2 friends on the clinic , one also struggles like me and then the other has been clean (just methadone) awhile and we hang when she has time but shes usually busy with her kids. So finishing up school and not having a job and having bad family situations , you are right life isnt very enjoyable and i look at getting high as my way to make it somewhat bearable............what i usually do (but i like doin it high even tho when i was clean or just on suboxone id do it too) is just chill at the bookstore borders a lot, kill mad time lookin at books and magazines. i like watchin movies. honestly not sure what else. i had a gym membership but cant afford it anymore . id like to get back to workin out but its kinda cold to be walkin and stuff outside. So i dont really know..............something im gonna have to work on. Oh yeah i play guitar but basically lost interest in that ever since i was younger Well lookin forward to your next post lacey , let me know what you think abuot that guys emails i posted , i think they show how closed minded aa can be
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I think that that has some relationship to why AA/NA might work for some people. AA/NA encourages people to tell their story. A lot of our identity is the story we tell ourselves and others. Becoming aware of our story in either a supportive environment or in solitude moves to having some control of the flow of our story and after a while to be able to put out a more positive next chapter. Great idea Laceylacey k said:its like doin therapy with yourself, you feel me? You aint gotta deal with other people, or dumbass counselors, or none of that shit. its just therapeutic for you to do it and i really think that if you will give it a try you would feel even just a little bit better about how your situation is right now. yo, you aint got nothin to lose, so seriosuly give it a shot yo, Id really like to hear how it works out for you, i think it could help you for real.
for all kinds of reasons.Maybe telling your story at meetings is geared to certain personalities and journaling to others. I think it is easy to underestimate how much of our identity is the narrative we have going on with self and others going on all day long.
Yo Lacey its funny I used to do that every day kinda. I wouldnt write diary style but id make notes of what i did that day and lists of stuff i was worried about or on my miind , and then go back to it but one thing that i started to do (maybe OCD related) was with the lists of what i was worried abuot , i would want a solution to all the stuff on there ) example: mom car girl school (like my moms messed up i cant change that , my girls drivin me nuts i cant change her , my car has too many miles i put on from drivin all year to cop but i cant go back and change that) or school ( wishing i went for something besides culinary since i dont think its gonna be my career) and when id look at this long list id get all overwhelmed because i had no answers to everything , but i guess i gotta do it and just let the stuff be how it is or "accept things i cant change" , i hate AA slogans but that one has some truth................so yeah i think ill start doin it again , im gonna go over to borders now and bring my little diary type book with me and see what i can put down . aint gonna lie, im gonna do a lil powder first or a bag but im hopin i can cut all that out soon and just be on the meth..........im also goin to n.a. later and i told my "sponser" i dont care what you or anyone thinks i have a "desire to stop using" and thats all i need to be there
For me I wouldn't put up with somebody telling me what I know and what I dont know. I suppose that is why he is your old sponsor. I've had 2 sponsors this go around and haven't had one for almost a year. I am kinda a private person and it can be annoying to have to be accountable calling someone everyday. I used to hate calling my sponsor he would talk and talk. I would get stuck on the phone for like 2 hours. A lot of the times he seemed to be preaching about how I need to find god, sorry I found him a long time ago. That is the reason I am talking to you on the phone now and not dead.
I will say my first sponsor was a good guy and I was agreeable with his mode of action [which is what really matters, to me]. I had him when I was massively struggling to stay off those benzos, I was a wreck. I was still taking suboxone and I didnt tell him. It was just awkward saying, 'Oh btw I have been on opiate maintenance the whole time but I didn't really want to tell you'. I eventually told him and he didnt care. The main reason I didnt tell him was being so screwed up in the head from benzo w/d. I know that sounds like a cop out and perhaps it is but whatever.
I am still clean now and no sponsor. I do go to meetings quite a bit thought. Still I am not a completely healthy person in the meetings, tonight for example I am going out to drink after the meeting with some girl [from the meetings]. Booze has never really been an issue, drugs were though.
As far as inpatient programs I say what ever way you can string together the most time is always beneficial. God knows how many detox/inpatient programs I have been to in my life, a lot. This last one worked or rather gave me a safe place to clean up although the benzo w/d really didnt even start until I left or I should say started to get bad [30 or so days] but I was still going to x-tended care after.
Counseling, doctors, AA/NA meetings, inpatient, outpatient, reading/writing/drawing, school, exercising is what have kept me busy and off drugs. It definitely has gotten easier yet harder at the same time.
When you said above you would rather be sick for a week rather than a month concerning methadone/heroin. When I stopped using methadone [after I took 6 months trying to taper off] I went back to shooting dope daily full time. I had to cover up the methadone w/d's and still trying to get high, it costs alot of money but that is a given. Eventually I checked into rehab and tried to get off heroin again, it didnt work. I do wish I would have done things different but I didn't nothing I can do about that now.
peace.
seedless
pnkparis
Greenlighter
i have been to my share of n.a. meetings (not by choice) and i felt the exact same way
for me personally (key word here) n.a. was not the answer i was looking for
nothing anybody said made me want to stop doing drugs
nothing anybody did made me want to stop doing drugs
In fact i felt like i was being pressured to follow everything they told me
i will not put n.a. down completely as it does help many over come there addictions and gives continuing hope to those who are newly sober or struggling to become sober
as with anything in life, you must find the solution that works for you
for me it was keeping the people i loved in my life
for me personally (key word here) n.a. was not the answer i was looking for
nothing anybody said made me want to stop doing drugs
nothing anybody did made me want to stop doing drugs
In fact i felt like i was being pressured to follow everything they told me
i will not put n.a. down completely as it does help many over come there addictions and gives continuing hope to those who are newly sober or struggling to become sober
as with anything in life, you must find the solution that works for you
for me it was keeping the people i loved in my life
So my boy brian who has been on suboxone a few years and doesnt get high talked to me and i told him about the old sponser from AA who called me a asshole............So brian called up the guy and told him off, then the guy called me cursing me out........i think they are both a little nuts honestly . i appreciate him stickin up for me but to call some dude he doesnt even know who has been an AA old school guy for 10 years there is no good gonna come outta that . Now i just feel weird if i see hiim at meetings
Missykins
Bluelighter
In the spirit of avoiding redundancy, I did not quote your entire post, but just some of its salient points. I found it to be really judgemental, which is ironic given the nature of the post that began this thread. According to this, those of us who attend and benefit from NA/AA meetings are just robots who can't think for themselves.
Lolie
Bluelighter
Getting high is the only option you see because it's the one you want to take.
- Status