My son needs help

[cj]

Number 1. I have never lost my family over this drug.
Number 2. Never been to jail in my life or been in trouble with the law
Number 3. Please dont use the words of heroin and speak of Cannabis in the same sentence.
Number 4. Dont call me buddy, I am not your buddy.
Number 5. Have You EVER had a child that made horrible choices and had to live through that with them?
I am not defensive I am sorry I could not hear you over my freedom of speech, or choice.

number 6. this thread is not about you. so back off the pro-pot platform. Most of us here do drugs we support legalization. We just wanted to help out this nce lady with her sons problems not have a debate about weed.

 

[Bluefrogger]

Realizing he has to finish what he started!

16-08-2012, 07:01T. Calderone
You guys are awesome and I know I came to the right place for opinions. I caught him smoking again yesterday. He says he would rather go to jail than 6 months of rehab. There is no way he will pass the mandated drug test pending on Aug 27th. He's a good kid but lacking sense.

To the last post, I think maybe the weed addiction is psychological and not physical like opiate. In some way still painful to an extent.

Theresa, you are a good mother to love her son so much that you are examining some hard truths in order to save him. Save, is a word that you and you're son need to realize though. I feel that the key - here, so to speak is making sure that the "young man inside him" (at his age, he feels like an adult) has a very adult understanding of how the consequences of the things that he chooses to do or not do may often cause life changing events. He needs to understand that what is already done, is done and that it is "his future" and he only will be the one to live and deal with that. You seem to have a good read as to what's happening to him right now, but he only, is the one that needs to understand his choices. Either way, if being locked-up so to speak and therefore having NO adult voice for 6 months is what he wants to have happen, then that's HIS CHOICE.

Hard as it is for you, all you can really do right now, (other than glue yourself to his side for a few years) is to show him and and to clearly communicate to him that,
You will love him unconditionally,
That it is OK, to be fearful and afraid,
You will speak and treat him as an adult,
but that as an adult, there are also consequences for decisions made,
That even the "best of adults" need guidance, knowledge, clarity and help now and then,
And as I have found, the most important - you "both" need to agree that however much it hurts, that you can't take his place! There is no longer a magic mommy wand that you can use to protect him!

Help him with decisions and to sort it all out. Trust that among those decisions ( like using marijuana )or (letting pride guide him) are now his choices and he alone will face them. I hope that you show him this entire thread and will discuss that all adults have their own individual feelings, experiences, reflections, opinions, and beliefs. That sometimes you can't expect that you will have the same result as someone else. That it is a wonderful right we have to express ourselves, but there might be different consequences for different situations. There is not a, one fit's all, rule!
As a great Mom, you already knew all this though but it is unfortunate to have to face this situation much sooner than you were ready to face. Most likely you're son also! I feel that, you and everyone posting in this thread has been open and true as individuals. Which is why we all come and share our thoughts here at Bluelight.

Just keep the communication OPEN AND TRUE! Communication is so important right now! He will always know that you love him and as he grows to become more of an adult, that he understands that he and he alone, must live with those results! Trust in yourself that the lessons and values you taught him will endure.
(This was written because I recently had to face some of my own growing-up and realizations that my own children are "all no longer children." I can't continue to be a "parent" all the time!)
Cheers, to wishing you both clarity!
Blue

 

[herbavore]

^ great post, Blue. Thank you.

 

[sonicwhite]

Every time they twike my meds I go to the hospital. Your son is hanging out with the wrong crowd. Simply I say that if he go's to prison that would straighten him out. Some times we have to let go of the problem and let them learn on there own. But I understand your concern.

 

[T. Calderone]

alternative (ɔːlˈtɜːnətɪv)
This might sound harsh but 6 months isn't that big a deal. It'll mean he has 6 months of sobriety under his belt by the time he gets the chance to even think about doing drugs again. It means that for 6 months he'll be in a safe place and you wont have to worry about him. Just be supportive of him. Visit him whenever you can and write him letters and remember he is already being punished, so it doesn't do anything but push him away and make him resent you if you try to punish him too. And try to keep it all in perspective, hes a teenager who smokes pot, not a baby killer. I'm not saying what he has been doing is cool, just that it's not so bad that you should be making him feel like he is a terrible human being.

I don't make him feel like a terrible person as that's his father's schtick and it blew up in his face. His dad has all but tossed him aside. He seems to have given up on the boy but not before wreaking havoc with our family, mostly my mother. She suffered from brain cancer and my ex was phoning my mother telling her how much trouble this child was in. I was so angry because it was upsetting her to say the least. And this was before he was thrown out of "traditional" public school and I told him to stop bothering my mom. (like she could do anything to help anyway) She passed away in January.

Thanks for the kind words Blue. If my son doesn't quit, the judge has already decided he will enter rehab. But willing to give him a chance to complete a different drug diversion program. The Starting Place didn't think he was a good candidate so we are going to another assessment tomorrow at a different place.

 

[T. Calderone]

Every time they twike my meds I go to the hospital. Your son is hanging out with the wrong crowd. Simply I say that if he go's to prison that would straighten him out. Some times we have to let go of the problem and let them learn on there own. But I understand your concern.

Hey Sonic, I think wherever he goes my son will find this crowd as they tend to find each other. A friend of his came over yesterday that hasn't been by in a while. We saw him at drug court last week and he sorted himself out within four months, he graduated. He's also in alternative school because he is a senior and works full time. He kept telling my son just to stop smoking to get through the program. But did he listen? Nope. I guess he will need to figure this out on his own because nobody can "reach him" it seems, even his peers.

 

[sonicwhite]

It happens that way .When I turned 18 I went atomic on any drug. And I was really setting myself up for faulier. I had to go thru the ringer all the way up to the middle finger just to cope and I have been. I'll just be keeping him in my prayers

 

[Bluefrogger]

Patience and support from the Ex would help!

Thanks Theresa, I do hope that you can find peace in all of this soon. I'm afraid you will be dealing with this for awhile though! The Ex, sounds typical. The pulling away that you're son has shown is very natural at this age and his father should be told to not take it so personal. A teen doesn't want to be pulled back and forth anymore at some point, just because an agreement was made by his parents along time ago. Suggest to his Dad that his son really needs the support right now and to give him a call here and there to just go to a movie or a quick catch-up lunch. Spending the nite shouldn't be insisted on and give his son some freedom to know that it's OK to want time to himself, his friends, or whatever. His son will eventually gain more respect for his Dad and they will eventually become buddy's again. This all takes time though! My EX was the same way and caused many years and tears to go by before he really understood it!
Patience and Peace

 

[Coraline]

My son started smoking weed here and there towards the end of middle school. He always had decent grades and aced the standardized tests. But when he started high school in 9th grade everything fell apart. He got arrested twice for possession and paraphenalia and was expelled at 14. Subsequently, he was sent to an alternative school. (which to me is a means for him to become a worse criminal) This is where they send all the "problem" kids, ie, violent offenders, drug dealing and drug use, mental health consumers, etc. He has stolen money from me countless times and his grandfather as well. We are heartbroken.

Now he's entered drug court and all the legal stipulations that come with it. Trouble is, this kid won't comply. His caseworker, probation officer and judge have recommended inpatient treatment for 6 months. To make matters worse, when the caseworker came to our home for another assessment, he tested dirty again for THC plus benzos. So I know court mandated rehab is coming soon. I inquired to the same hospital that the court said they were sending him to. I can't have him hospitalized because they said they don't take Medicaid. But they have grant money available when the judge makes the order. I'm so frustrated. I feel 6 months is a long time.

Anybody have any suggestions or share experiences? I am at my wit's end. Thanks, Theresa

Hello! I'm really sorry to hear about your son.

I was this child at age 14-18yr. I would run away. I did drugs. Had friendships with the bad boys.

I had a loving home persay. My mom did drink and my dad left us when I was 9 years old.

I did what I wanted when I wanted. It had nothing to do with not living my family.

I wanted to be grown and on my own.

I got in trouble. I was on probation. I was ordered to in school boot camp. I had bi weekly po visits. The whole 9 yards. House arrest too. But no monitor.

My mom wanted to do the right thing and turn me in every time I messed up. That only made thing rougher on her and me. I would snick out but be back before school started ect.

I ended up almost going to jail til I was 21. I was 15 almost 16 at the time. I ran away til I was 17. I behaved my self while waiting it out. When I was 17 a cop who knew me can to where I was staying and said the charges were dropped. I was free and not in trouble any more. He said they dropped it because I stayed out of trouble.

I did this stuff not because I hated my family. I was depressed and wanted to be on my own. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. It's a phase and it will pass.

From what I had gone through I would say don't rat your kid out. It will only make it worst financially on you and he won't have anywhere safe to go. I was lucky. I didn't have to go gross things to survive.



I went back home after everything was ok. Since then I only got in trouble once because of my boyfriend and took care of it.

I went to college. I got married. Been married for 10 years. I tell you. When he becomes a father he will know all the signs and know how to handle his teenage children. The kids won't be able to pull a fast one and he will know what to do.

This is my expierence. I do regret the grief I put my family through. But everything is better now.

 

[webbykevin]

Hello! I'm really sorry to hear about your son.

I was this child at age 14-18yr. I would run away. I did drugs. Had friendships with the bad boys.

I had a loving home persay. My mom did drink and my dad left us when I was 9 years old.

I did what I wanted when I wanted. It had nothing to do with not living my family.

I wanted to be grown and on my own.

I got in trouble. I was on probation. I was ordered to in school boot camp. I had bi weekly po visits. The whole 9 yards. House arrest too. But no monitor.

My mom wanted to do the right thing and turn me in every time I messed up. That only made thing rougher on her and me. I would snick out but be back before school started ect.

I ended up almost going to jail til I was 21. I was 15 almost 16 at the time. I ran away til I was 17. I behaved my self while waiting it out. When I was 17 a cop who knew me can to where I was staying and said the charges were dropped. I was free and not in trouble any more. He said they dropped it because I stayed out of trouble.

I did this stuff not because I hated my family. I was depressed and wanted to be on my own. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. It's a phase and it will pass.

From what I had gone through I would say don't rat your kid out. It will only make it worst financially on you and he won't have anywhere safe to go. I was lucky. I didn't have to go gross things to survive.



I went back home after everything was ok. Since then I only got in trouble once because of my boyfriend and took care of it.

I went to college. I got married. Been married for 10 years. I tell you. When he becomes a father he will know all the signs and know how to handle his teenage children. The kids won't be able to pull a fast one and he will know what to do.

This is my expierence. I do regret the grief I put my family through. But everything is better now.

Brilliant post.

 

[webbykevin]

And try to keep it all in perspective, hes a teenager who smokes pot, not a baby killer. I'm not saying what he has been doing is cool, just that it's not so bad that you should be making him feel like he is a terrible human being.

This too, my heart goes out to the poor kid, all the adults in his life are behaving selfishly and appallingly, leave the kid alone, if he was just freely and legally allowed to smoke pot all these other problems would not exist. He has a moral problem, other peoples morals are being heaped on him like a crushing weight, I bet he would be just as persecuted by these people in his parents social circles if he wanted to be anything other than the straight middle class blockhead that they have imagined is best for him.

If he was gay, wanted to be a poet, a dancer, an artist, wanted to live in any way that was different he would be facing the same rejection of his true nature and passions.

like I said, my heart goes out to the kid, and my scorn on his oppressors.

 

[ErgicMergic]

Marijuana is not addictive

BULLSHIT. Cannabis has been the most psychologically addicting drug I've ever used, compared to 20-30mg of hydrocodone, 1mg Xanax, dextroamphetamine, Nucynta, Soma, Valium, tramadol, etc.

It simply is the perfect balance of sedation and relaxation for some people, and all this stress of legal problems is probably weighing down on him harder than it is to you. He might be simply smoking to relieve the stress. Hazey is right in the sense that is not physically addictive, but that means nothing when you are craving it nonstop. Having said that, I quit a daily wax dab (vaping concentrates) habit cold turkey when I got arrested, and started up again 2 months later, after turning to 8-9 beers a night for about 2 months to relieve legal stress in the meanwhile. So, if I could quit vaporizing 0.66g of wax a day (2/3 of an eighth of good weed), then he could certainly stop, too.

I got on benzos after 2 months of drinking beer, and after a long benzo period for legal anxiety and a long taper, I was clean with kava-kava and theanine for a year, then started up a low, maintenance dosage again due to the same legal anxiety. I am on felony probation for wax (hash) posession, and my life is practically ruined... it will never be how I pictured it, it will never be truly worth living, and my parents don't see the big deal, so they've practically abandoned me as well, emotionally, as has my brother. Sometimes when you're in the system, you don't see a way out, like now: I am currently suicidal, but I don't WANT to die, I just don't want to live this fucked up life.

He's a minor, so he doesn't have to worry about serious, adult, felony legal bullshit, but sometimes it's really easy to play the armchair sociologist and yell at him and tell him what's wrong with his life instead of having calm, educated, discussions without an authoratative tone. I don't know his situation, since I haven't stolen from my parents and brother, rather my brother has stolen several times from me, but he needs someone in his life - someone who loves him unconditionally. I think I've lost that with my parents, or maybe I haven't - you just can't see your own life clearly when you feel trapped in a corner.

I wouldn't consider myself a "problem kid" at all, btw. I graduated with honors, took most of the AP classes available to me and scored high in them without ADD medications, I just didn't have the grades for UCLA or UCBerkely, so I ended up going to a local community college for a preconcieved, "quick two years," to transfer to UCLA, while my life fell apart in the meanwhile. I was always the "good kid" between my brother and I, which screwed me over in the long run. I've never done an illegal drug other than LSD or done a prescription drug that wasn't prescribed to me; some people just get fucked over, good or bad. I just don't see a way out of this hole I'm stuck in, but, from time to time, if I look just hard enough, I can see a brief glimpse of light, and that keeps me going, I guess.

 

[T. Calderone]

** UPDATE ** My son was court ordered to six months rehab. That seems such a long time. Had to take him in Monday and it sucks that it's come to this. The state has taken him out of my hands and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm really crying now and just want to be sick...

 

[Cornishman]

This is fucking heartbreaking to read. I couldn't imagine what you're going through.

 

[Heroic]

Sorry to hear. I'll spill my thoughts if I may.

Your son is at that age where everything is interesting and new, probably not realizing that drug use can have any type of consequence. I can relate to his mindset probably, since I've exibited similar behavior since 15 to 18, the only difference I never got into any kind of serious trouble because of it. As he gets older he will get more mature, that's for sure, and you can't really expect much maturity or common sense beforehand. However I suggest not to antagonize him too much during this time, since this only leads to him antagonizing you in return. Quiting anything, and I can't stress this enough, can only be HIS choice. Making him do something will just make him find new ways to do it. I know if anyone made me stop my drug use in these years, I'd probably just do them more discretely.

/2 cents

And for all its worth, stay strong, nothing goes on forever.

 

[herbavore]

I am so sorry to hear this, both for you and for your son. The best thing that you can do is to get support for yourself as a mom so that you can be the best support you can for him. Communication is all we ever really have, the only tool in the human tool belt that works. Make that your priority, your guidepost and let it keep you grounded as this messy time swirls so many things out of control.

I have been on both sides of this. I was the kid in trouble and I was the mom of a kid in trouble. By "in trouble" I mean both with the law and society as well as inside emotionally. It is humbling to say the least.

Use this thread as a place to get support, to check in, to vent or whatever else you want to use it for. We all have opinions but in the end you are his mom. You are the one that has to make tough calls and you are the one that gets to doubt every one of those calls. Believe in yourself, respect yourself and your son and stay strong.