My son needs help

[T. Calderone]

My son started smoking weed here and there towards the end of middle school. He always had decent grades and aced the standardized tests. But when he started high school in 9th grade everything fell apart. He got arrested twice for possession and paraphenalia and was expelled at 14. Subsequently, he was sent to an alternative school. (which to me is a means for him to become a worse criminal) This is where they send all the "problem" kids, ie, violent offenders, drug dealing and drug use, mental health consumers, etc. He has stolen money from me countless times and his grandfather as well. We are heartbroken.

Now he's entered drug court and all the legal stipulations that come with it. Trouble is, this kid won't comply. His caseworker, probation officer and judge have recommended inpatient treatment for 6 months. To make matters worse, when the caseworker came to our home for another assessment, he tested dirty again for THC plus benzos. So I know court mandated rehab is coming soon. I inquired to the same hospital that the court said they were sending him to. I can't have him hospitalized because they said they don't take Medicaid. But they have grant money available when the judge makes the order. I'm so frustrated. I feel 6 months is a long time.

Anybody have any suggestions or share experiences? I am at my wit's end. Thanks, Theresa

 

[cj]

I'm sorry to hear about your son. I had friends go thru juvenile drug court and it made them worse. almost all of them ended up in multiple placements for often trivial rule violations. also there is no conclusive evidence that traditional rehab works for children often they just get exposed to harder drugs and deeper connectipns. the good news is that almost all my friends grew out of getting in trouble around 18 or 19. my advice is to support your son and encourage him to jump through the legal hoops as a means to freedom

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2003160,00.html heres an article on teen rehab.

And this is a good forum that discusses the abuse that occurs at some teen placement facilities. http://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens

 

[mrflowers00]

sorry but unless your son wants to stop he wont it just doesn't work that way

 

[DeathDomokun]

I know it's a legal punishment, but going to rehab for Cannabis in this scenario is absurd.

 

[villian]

I know it's a legal punishment, but going to rehab for Cannabis in this scenario is absurd.

His problem isn't simply cannabis; his issue is the addictive behaviors that are a result of cannabis (such as stealing from his family). Dont forget he is eating benzos as well, while he is on probation none the less. You could argue that this isn't a problem but considering the fact he has been caught by the police numerous times it obviously is a problem for him.

I know this is hard OP but at this point your son is already in the system and he has to play by their rules. I'm sure all of this was explained to him when he entered drug court. Maybe court mandated rehab is what is best for him at this point. The situation is far from ideal but that doesn't mean he can't get something from it. I had a friend growing up who was real bad off breaking into houses and cars to fund a pill habit. He ended up in drug court and getting sent to boot camp. The boot camp experience completely changed him and he ended up doing a 180. All these years later he is still sober and raising a family and doing real well.

Honestly, I think if I had some kind of intensive rehab in my teenager years my addiction wouldn't of got as bad as it did. Like I said, the situation is far from ideal but try to look on the bright side. He has to learn to either follow the rules of drug court of face the consequences. Maybe he will realize it isn't all fun in games after getting "locked up" in rehab. Have you talked to him about why he continues to get fucked up after all he has been through? You need to find the root issue of why he is getting high in the first place.

Good luck.

 

[DonStatus]

Yeah I agree completely. Sending someone to rehab for cannabis is just going to expose him to people who use harder drugs then weed and potentially get him into those. Don't do it, he may go in with a weed smoking habit and come out with a cocaine or heroin addiction

 

[herbavore]

Theresa, I am so sorry. There is nothing like watching helplessly as a parent while your child gets pulled into the system that sidelines you completely, has a terrible track record for doing anything good and a great one for causing harm. The only thing that I can say is similar to what villain is saying. Tell your son that it is within his power to turn around his vulnerability to this system. He will more than likely have to go to the 6 months program as ordered, but he has a choice while he is there. He can choose to fight everything around him or he can use that time to figure himself out. If he spends all his energy in opposition to the simplistic and idiotic aspects of rehab (and there are plenty) he will further entrench his life in the misery of the system. However, if he chooses to observe, listen, think critically, respect other opinions while forming his own etc. he will be creating a path for himself that leads away from the one he has been on so far; because even the worst program has wisdom and tools that are useful when you are open to hearing about them and take responsibility for using them.

It killed me to watch my son go through the juvenile system, and it got even worse once he wasn't a minor. It is a demeaning and heartless system with a few good people sprinkled in here and there. Bottom line is this: it is the system. It is bigger than you and you have very little power in it. The power you do have is the only one you should be concentrating on and that is the power to control your emotions, thoughts and actions in such a manner that you can continue to explore life on your own terms.

If you ever want to PM me, I am here. As a mom, I know this is really tough on you. It is so hard to know what is support and what is enabling, what is tough love and what is destructive anger. There were many days in court that I wanted to curl into the fetal position and have them haul me away! Get support for yourself anywhere that it feels good. For me it was sharing my story freely. People came out of the woodwork to share theirs and it made it easier to deal with. The most important thing that you can repeat as a mantra for yourself is that your son is going to make his own decisions and this is how it is supposed to be. He and you are separate beings, each with a separate path to navigate. It is sometimes so hard to feel this when you just want to protect your child from harm.

 

[DooMMooD]

I think you need to stop separating your son from those "problem kids". Putting a label on other peoples children is fucked, especially considering your child is deserving of that label too.

I mean comeon....he has stolen from you and done more than smoked a bit of pot....


Sounds like he needs to learn a few things. Maybe this will do him some good. I know i really didnt get my shit together until my parents started showing some tough love. And I dont mean they shipped my ass off to one of those "child fix it" camps in the middle of the woods...I mean they really really followed through with ultimatums and promises. Because i"m sure you've said to your son a billion times "If you do that again youre GONE!" and never followed through once. Your threats have no teeth, he will never listen to you until you show that they do.

Once my parents kicked me out of the house for a bit, i knew they were fucking more serious than ever. Never before did i ever listen to a single threat of theres because well they never followed through. Cannot tell you how many times i heard "next time is the last straw", but it never truly was.

And if he still doesn't? Well unfortunately he is a human being free to make his own choices, however fucked up they are. Its sad as shit, especially when its your kid? I cant even imagine the pain....

Read the book A BEAUTIFUL BOY I mean it, go out and buy it immediately. Its about a father whos son is addicted to methamphetamine. How he tried to fight tooth and nail for his son, fight against his son for treatment, but eventually realizes that it is up to his son to make those choices, not the parent. You want to choose all the right things for your kid, but they are more than free to choose the wrong things as well.

Its fucked up but the father eventually came to accept that his son could fuck up his own life. He is still terrified, still afraid, still scared, but accepting nonetheless. You will eventually need to accept that your child is free to make their own choices, not simply the choices you want them to make.

Sounds harsh? Sounds mean? It is all of those things. Life aint pretty. You're doing your best, literally all you can do, as much as you wish you could do more.

 

[herbavore]

^ I read that book. It is very good. There is also a book written by the son (Nick Sheff), post treatment, called Tweak . He also wrote another memoir called We All Fall Down. He gives talks now to teens but questions whether he himself would have listened to anyone. All good reading. I read Beautiful Boy during the beginning of my son's addiction. It was hard but beneficial; I second the recommendation.

 

[footscrazy]

This is a really tough situation. I think it sounds like many of your sons problems are caused by the interventions around his drug use, rather than the drug use itself, although his stealing from you is low.

I agree with some of the other posters who think rehab may expose him to more damaging drug abuse. This is the case for most people I know who entered rehab/detox at an early age for using one or two drugs. One friend also says rehab hurt him because it showed him that he could take a break, and therefore his drug use was no longer so scary; it gave him a false sense of control. In the 'best' cases, such as mine I suppose, inpatient care was simply useless. That's not to say that some people don't benefit from it. I think it's risky though. Of course, all this is meaningless if you don't have a choice in the matter

Although my situation wasn't exactly the same, I also started abusing drugs in high school, in my case, mdma and methamphetamine. My parents knew what was up and when we spoke, I asked them to please just let me try and live my life my way for now, if in the middle of the year I'm failing or my marks are too low, we'll chat about this again and I'll agree to reconsider things. Them allowing me to live my life the way I chose was a good thing, I believe. I do think that if they'd put down strict rules I would've just cut ties with them completely and my life would've suffered from that. As it was, it helped keep our relationship stronger. I felt I had their support, and could go to them if times were tough.

I honestly do think that the charges and medical interventions on his record will be potentially much more damaging for the rest of his life than the drug use itself. I don't know how I would deal with this situation; I think I would try and come at it from a position of trying to understand and accept the drug use, and not judge that as wrong, but really stress that the consequences of this are going to be incredibly damaging for him down the track. Are you ok with the drug use? If, for example, he stopped stealing from you, started doing well at school again and got his life on track but still smoked weed from time to time, would that be ok?

All the best

 

[T. Calderone]

Thanks everyone for your advice. My son should have figured out after the first time getting busted that bringing weed to school is just plain stupid. Like his grandpa has told him a hundred times "You wanna be stupid, you better be tough!" I took him to the homeless shelter when I worked there to do his community service hours. My director tried to put the fear of God in him telling him he will end up being somebody's bitch (being that he's small for his age- 5'2) and he's too pretty for jail. Plus "I'll save a bed for you because eventually you will end up here" Seems like nobody can get through to him. He knows he's going away but just wants to keep partying until the time comes. :/

We will see what happens in court Monday....

 

[webbykevin]

Subsequently, he was sent to an alternative school. (which to me is a means for him to become a worse criminal)

He's not a criminal, that's the problem, he just smoked a bit of weed and everyone else seems to have had a psychotic reaction, if he had been drinking beers no one would have batted an eyelid, you see how this infantile knee jerk prohibition ruins lives.

Trouble is, this kid won't comply.

Good on him, you should be proud of him for being a strong individual who insists upon his own personal freedom to explore life and his own mind as he sees fit.

Anybody have any suggestions or share experiences? I am at my wit's end. Thanks, Theresa

Love him, support him and value him for the truly unique individual spirit that he is, don't jump in and buy main stream cultures ideologies and narrow minded beliefs, think for yourself, stop judging him so harshly for taking what many people here would say is a far safer and saner path than booze, sport, media distraction, and accepting culturally defined boundaries.

You brought him into this world, now it is time to set him free with love and encouragement.

 

[Hazey420]

I know it's a legal punishment, but going to rehab for Cannabis in this scenario is absurd.

I agree all that bullshit just for weed is stupid, and trying to put him in a rehab for weed is wrong, it doesnt make sense, its not like he was doing any hard drugs at all, I wish people would realize that weed is not the devil as I hit this bowl I am smoking right now, and drug court is just a waste of time..and I know about the rehabs, they will not take ANY kind of state insurance what makes it so stupid, those are they people who need the help and cant get it because they dont have enough money to help them. So basically if you are not rich and have 30 grand a month to waste at the best rehab centers they can help you but if you dont have money you are screwed. I have gone though this with a family member so I know of where I speak. He is only 14, that is when the trouble starts My son was the same way getting kicked out of school not for drugs they didnt come into the picture untill he was 18, he was getting kicked out of school because at 12 he hacked into the school computers and erased their whole hard drive and stealing stuff from the school this was when he was in middle school so that was the start of it all, he was and still is bright and smart he built he first computer at 7 years old. Just speak with your son and tell him to stop doing what he is doing or the next time something happens they will charge him in adult court and not a juvenile court I had that happen to my son as well and that is a WHOLE new ballgame, you dont want that to happen speak with him and tell him this. He may seem that he doesnt care but some where in side he does your are still his MOM, and they never forget that even when they are grown....Good Luck to you! ~Peace~

 

[DooMMooD]

Just letting you know though: if your threats and ultimatums have no teeth, he will never respect or listen to you.

If, every time you say "If you do X, I will do Y" but never follow through.....

Feel me? Just a fact.

As for webby is saying, yeah you gotta love and encourage him. But to sit there and say "Good for him! Be proud that hes making his own decisions" when his own decisions lead him to being expelled, being arrested, etc.....why in gods name should you be proud? Its not like he was arrested for protesting racism, he got arrested for being dumb, plain and simple.

You don't want your child making dumbass choices obviously, which is what you SHOULD WANT as a parent. You shouldn't want to be his best fucking friend, you should be his fucking parent. The authority in his life, not someone who sides with everything he does because "hes a strong independent beautiful boy!" Yes he may be all of those things, but a dumb fucking decision is a dumb fucking decision, and you as his PARENT should want him making the RIGHT DECISIONS!

What good is "personal freedom" if youre in jail? Yeah youre definitely real free in prison...

You can still love him unconditionally. I am not saying stop doing that. What I am saying is that you can love him and be tough on him simultaneously. The two are not exclusive.

I have seen kids whos parents tried to be their best friend....a lot of them ended up in rehab with me.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Gosh lady your son sounds like I was at that age. I now feel eons away from that time in terms of maturity, but it wasn't actually that long ago. Sometimes time is the only thing that can really set a kid straight when they're in that phase.


I'm sure if you encourage his habits which he has shown love for which aren't destructive then he wouldn't spend so much time looking for solace in drugs. Its sad. He may need s professional to talk to, but a kid like that can't really be forced unless you're going to send him to boot camp, which is an option, mind you.


Weed isn't that bad unless it gets chronic.

 

[shezinphx]

What many people don't realize is that most kids who get into drugs eventually mature out and don't become addicts. Therefore, putting a label on him this young can be extremely detrimental to his future.

With that being said, I completely agree with the other posters. Some tough love is in order here. He needs a big wake up call some how. What is important to him? Does he have a cell phone that you pay for? Take it away immediately. A car? Take it away. He needs a curfew and very little freedom at this point.

I personally would not kick my child out on the streets for fear of the unknown (I would never forgive myself if they got into a situation that caused serious injury or death) but that's just me. However, I would make it very difficult for him to do this. I would lock up everything worth value at home. I would not give him a single penny ever. I would buy his essentials and that's it.

Let him know you love him and this is the only way to get through to him. I hope for his sake (and yours) that he matures out. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

I would fight this as much as possible, do your best to keep him away from that prison school. I just don't think that all this is going to keep him from smoking pot - it's going to stress him out, make him think that he has failed because of pot and weed is all he has left. Try not to give him a hard time about it, I just really highly doubt that he's going to stop smoking weed because of this, it might turn him against the government as well as alienate him from everyone apart from his stoner friends.

Your son most likely does not have a problem. I have smoked pot every day for 10 years and I am an engineer now. If I was American, I'd probably be locked up though. It is possible to get high grades when you are stoned, school is just getting a bit harder for him and he needs to learn how to deal with that, and he needs to be reminded why it's important to do well in school, so that he doesn't end up with a mediocre job. It's tough to get through to teenagers though, and when I was one, my pot use was different. It was pointless recreation; I use it as a religious sacrament now, but as a teenager I was too dumb for that. So I agree that it's not the best thing for teenagers to be smoking weed, but it's not the end of the world and there are much worse things he could be interested in.

It seems like it's not possible to smoke dope in America though. Where I'm from, he'd get a slap on the wrist. I don't really have any suggestions - there will always be potheads and your son is one of them. There's no stopping him because he probably loves marijuana to death, like I do. America should stop treating them like shit, tokers are people too, they've just formed an alliance with a plant is all.

Does he get drunk a lot? Is he aggressive, does he fight? Does he abuse other drugs on a regular basis? It just seems to me like apart from this pot habit he's probably a decent guy.

 

[extralung]

dude the i did the same exact thing ur kid did. for a second i thought u were my dad lol. except i think i was 15 when i got sent to alternative school. i actully kind of enjoyed it. it was like a vacation from life.

 

[T. Calderone]

Yesterday we went in front of the judge and was recommended a different drug diversion program. He failed the first one and she stressed to him the importance of getting off weed. Trouble is, she apparently was unaware of the benzos he had taken as well. The caseworker didn't mention it and the public defender was not there this time. If he successfully completes this program, he can avoid jail, rehab and a mark on his record.

There was one kid there who kept messing up and the judge said he had to go 15 days to juvenile detention. Watching his mother crying as they handcuffed and shackled him it took everything I had not to burst out crying. This is the fourth boy I saw this happen to and I keep thinking this is some serious shit.

Another thing troubling me is my son got real sick last night. He doesn't drink alcohol, just soda and said he was real hungry and his stomach was hurting. So I made him some chicken noodle soup and gave him some saltine crackers which he promptly vomited. He told me if he had some weed, he wouldn't be sick. I think this is some psychological manifestation. Maybe the stress of possibly being locked up? I didn't think marijuana withdrawal could make a person vomit but I could be wrong. Any thoughts?

 

[Hazey420]

Marijuana is not addictive, its not like Heroin, where the body needs it, dont let him bullshit you, I have smoked for the last 10 years its NOT addictive. And there is not withdrawl with it also. I have been in your spot I have seen my son do the same thing he was 14 when he was first sent to juvenile jail, and yes I cried the first time I saw it happen, where you cant help him because now the system has him and you dont know what is going to happen, I have been there, and its good that he is stressed he should be maybe he will think about it now. ~Peace~