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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
My secret
- Thread starter Imtryin
- Start date
Hey guys!
in week 6 now, and im home from boston
that was the first time i went away sober -it was a good trip, but it had its uncomfortable moments
i still think about pills every day. I am still looking for that "high". I cant really explain why-life is so much better without the stress of taking pills-worried about running out, and all the shit that goes along with active addiction-but i miss that feeling, the "rush"....i feel so bored sometimes, like i want to get high so badlly. I really hope that feeling goes away soon. I have wanted to have sex more lately-didnt really care so much for it over the last few years-maybe its the "rush" im looking for, becasue im sure not interested in the "cuddling part". My husband doesnt mind, but i feel a bitt guilty for "using" him. Sorry if that was too much information-im rambling.
I didnt have internet for a few days, so im behind on all bluelight stuff. Hope everyone is good.
Anyone have any ideas on how to deal with procrastination? I cant seem to motivate myself to get things done. Im way behind in so many things and cant seem to make myself do anything
sorry for being all over the place tonight. Im ok, but im not ok, if you know what i mean
thanks for listening
in week 6 now, and im home from boston
that was the first time i went away sober -it was a good trip, but it had its uncomfortable moments
i still think about pills every day. I am still looking for that "high". I cant really explain why-life is so much better without the stress of taking pills-worried about running out, and all the shit that goes along with active addiction-but i miss that feeling, the "rush"....i feel so bored sometimes, like i want to get high so badlly. I really hope that feeling goes away soon. I have wanted to have sex more lately-didnt really care so much for it over the last few years-maybe its the "rush" im looking for, becasue im sure not interested in the "cuddling part". My husband doesnt mind, but i feel a bitt guilty for "using" him. Sorry if that was too much information-im rambling.
I didnt have internet for a few days, so im behind on all bluelight stuff. Hope everyone is good.
Anyone have any ideas on how to deal with procrastination? I cant seem to motivate myself to get things done. Im way behind in so many things and cant seem to make myself do anything
sorry for being all over the place tonight. Im ok, but im not ok, if you know what i mean
thanks for listening
Glad to hear you're doing ok. I'm sure your husband would love for you to use him as much as you want ;-). I know if my wife was like that I would be all smiles. If you will remember you weren't getting the rush anymore. Your mind is fabricating shit. That's how addiction starts. Chasing the high.
You're doing awesome, don't beat yourself up over the procrastination, it's just part of it. You Will Be past it in no time.
You're doing awesome, don't beat yourself up over the procrastination, it's just part of it. You Will Be past it in no time.
Hey gmlifer, thanks!! Youre right, i wasnt getting high anymore. I forget that alot now. I was just staying "not sick". And yeah, my husband doesnt mind, but he is confused....but its a good confused, so he can live with it !
how are you doing, by the way? ( not with sex, haha-you know what i mean-recovery wise?)
how are you doing, by the way? ( not with sex, haha-you know what i mean-recovery wise?)
Haven't quit yet. I talked to my pm doc the other day about different options but he's not an open minded fella. I have dealt with the pain since middle school, I'm 36 now, and have only been getting help through pain meds for about a year. Still not sure what direction I'm going to take but from what I can tell I'll be quitting them sooner rather than later.
simco
Bluelight Crew
So glad to hear you're still doing well. Inspiring!
Well, if the meds arent making your life unmanageble, then isnt it better to stay on them and out of pain? Maybe im way wrong with that opinion, but i know if i could have used my meds responsibly, i'd still be on them....nothing helps my pain now-im going to have to live with a certain amount forever, probably. Regardless of what you decide, friend, i will support you. Please keep me updated
I have a very addictive personality. I'm several years off of a very long very bad alcohol and Cocaine habit and still crave to this day.
I run out of my pills early every month and have to tough out withdrawl. As far as being functional while on them I am far more productive both at work and at home while taking them. We will see how it goes.
Louis cypher
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2015
- Messages
- 10
Hey imtryin. I'm in day 5 as of this morning. I was taking 30-40mg of hydrocodone for about 3,5 years. Dosen sound like much, but those little pills slip into your subconscious. I have been reading your thread, and I find it inspiring. Congrats on winning, cause that's what you have done. Don't forget that
codiene wd is not too bad. Remember, you will survive! best wishes!I lost my job
tottally unexpected, my company restructured and after almost 25 years, im out of work
i spend half my life there, so im feeling pretty lost right now. Is kind of like going to a funeral of almolst 100 people, but they arent dead. But my relationships with them will be. Ive seen it a hundred times over my career. Someone you worked with 50 hours a week moves on, says they will stay in touch-but its never the same. I barely have any relationships putside of my work
anyway. Im not sure how i feel. Devastated. Sad. Angry. Afraid. But pretty soon im going to feel better at keast temporarily-because i just took a whole pile of pills.
So much for my almost 2 months clean-feels totally insignificant right now. I sure dont want to face any of this sober. I dont want to face any of it at all.
Sorry
tottally unexpected, my company restructured and after almost 25 years, im out of work
i spend half my life there, so im feeling pretty lost right now. Is kind of like going to a funeral of almolst 100 people, but they arent dead. But my relationships with them will be. Ive seen it a hundred times over my career. Someone you worked with 50 hours a week moves on, says they will stay in touch-but its never the same. I barely have any relationships putside of my work
anyway. Im not sure how i feel. Devastated. Sad. Angry. Afraid. But pretty soon im going to feel better at keast temporarily-because i just took a whole pile of pills.
So much for my almost 2 months clean-feels totally insignificant right now. I sure dont want to face any of this sober. I dont want to face any of it at all.
Sorry
simco
Bluelight Crew
that's TERRIBLE about your job. i'm so sorry to hear about it.
i recently fell down after a month+ clean. now i'm pretty much back to business as usual. not sure how you're going to handle this event (taking the pills just now) in the long run. but please do be careful... it's an easy time to overdo it. and feel free to PM me if you ever want to swap stories or otherwise talk. you've done a ton of great work over the last six weeks. a fantastic accomplishment. nothing can take that away from you! don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
-Sim
i recently fell down after a month+ clean. now i'm pretty much back to business as usual. not sure how you're going to handle this event (taking the pills just now) in the long run. but please do be careful... it's an easy time to overdo it. and feel free to PM me if you ever want to swap stories or otherwise talk. you've done a ton of great work over the last six weeks. a fantastic accomplishment. nothing can take that away from you! don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
-Sim
thanks simco
i really didn't want to tell anyone here, but if I can't be honest to a group of strangers, how bad am I ??
So I feel like a failure on so many levels, and I really want to stop all feelings. Completely
im not going to kill myself ( today). But I don't want to be clean. Scratch that. I want to be clean, but I don't want to feel. So my only answer to that is pills.
Thanks again for your support, it means more than you know
Louis cypher
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2015
- Messages
- 10
So sorry to hear about your job. From reading this thread your job gave you something to divert your attention away from pills. Life throws you some serious curves, believe me I know. You have to look at this as a challenge and adapt. Stop taking the pills today. Focus on a new life. Focus on your daughter, and husband. Most of all put all your effort into finding a new job. One relapse doesn't destroy all you have done. Stay strong. Look at it as a challenge. A challenge your life depends on. Don't feel sorry for yourself whatever you do. Get your ass up, put the pills down and get a new job. Much love sent
P0kemama
Bluelighter
^ Actually, if you could put the pills right down, I would consider it a slip, not a relapse. Cypher has some good and wise words for you. Might as well just put the pills down now, so that you can pass any drug tests you may face in the near future. ((((Hugs)))
Hey there.
Noce to hear from you pokemama-I didn't take any more-I didn't have any more. I would need to hit the streets to get any, and I'm pretty sure there is no dealer that will take one look at me and sell me anything!!!
all those pills i took yesterday and I didn't even get a buzz.
I really don't want to live in my reality right now. Without my income, our family lifestyle will change dramatically. We will probably lose our home within 24 months, as I will not have enough money to subsidize for much li ger than that. I can live without our trips, the second car, the latest digital gadget-but our home is so special. And even though I beleive I have at least 20 good working years left, I know that the best money I will get is 40-50k-which is half of what I need to pay all the bills. So after I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I lost my job and I miss my staff and the job itself, I am going to have to face reality that my salary is going to plummet. That is if I even get a new Job someplace. There is no way we get to stay in our home. ( it is not a big house. By any means -but we redid our backyard and put in a pool/spa and really made it a special place to spend time ) now I regret spending all that money. Because it is what is going to make the damn place to expensive to keep. And I get to tell my husband and my daughter. That their lives have to blow up because of me. Fuck
sorry for rambling. I'm going to watch Netflix all night and pretend my life doesn't. Suck
but I didn't take these little stupid blue pills. I'm going to have to flush them, or im going to end up taking them. Taking 5 little blue pills that I have no idea what they Are-that's not fucking crazy? Is it???
Thanks for listening to me
Noce to hear from you pokemama-I didn't take any more-I didn't have any more. I would need to hit the streets to get any, and I'm pretty sure there is no dealer that will take one look at me and sell me anything!!!
all those pills i took yesterday and I didn't even get a buzz.
I really don't want to live in my reality right now. Without my income, our family lifestyle will change dramatically. We will probably lose our home within 24 months, as I will not have enough money to subsidize for much li ger than that. I can live without our trips, the second car, the latest digital gadget-but our home is so special. And even though I beleive I have at least 20 good working years left, I know that the best money I will get is 40-50k-which is half of what I need to pay all the bills. So after I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I lost my job and I miss my staff and the job itself, I am going to have to face reality that my salary is going to plummet. That is if I even get a new Job someplace. There is no way we get to stay in our home. ( it is not a big house. By any means -but we redid our backyard and put in a pool/spa and really made it a special place to spend time ) now I regret spending all that money. Because it is what is going to make the damn place to expensive to keep. And I get to tell my husband and my daughter. That their lives have to blow up because of me. Fuck
sorry for rambling. I'm going to watch Netflix all night and pretend my life doesn't. Suck
but I didn't take these little stupid blue pills. I'm going to have to flush them, or im going to end up taking them. Taking 5 little blue pills that I have no idea what they Are-that's not fucking crazy? Is it???
Thanks for listening to me
Not sure why you think you won't get another job just as good or better. I think if you made it that for at the last place that you will go even farther at the next. Hold your head up high and don't give up. Obviously you have skills, put them to use. Maybe start your own business.
Thanks gm - how are you doing, btw?
i am so angry at myself because I grew up fairly poor, my husband grew up dirt poor. The first few years we were together we both worked 2 jobs each just to pay the bills. I remember the first year we did taxes together -we didn't even make 25k. Then I started moving up at my job, and Ina. Few years we were able to buy our first home. My husband got a full time job, and although he 'twas never going to make a ton of money, I had the chance of making vice-president. So the years went by and by the time our daughter was born, we were living pretty good. Only thing was, we spent every penny we made. If only we wouldn't have done that, I wouldn t be screwed right now. This is all my fault. And it is not going to be easy finding a job in my field right now. No one needs me. You don't just walk into a position like I had. You have to work your way into it , and although I beleive I have the time to make it happen, I will lose most everything I have in the meantime. Once I get my head around that, I'll be ok. But right now Im so disappointed in myself, so angry, -I made some bad choices and now I will pay the price for that.
i am so angry at myself because I grew up fairly poor, my husband grew up dirt poor. The first few years we were together we both worked 2 jobs each just to pay the bills. I remember the first year we did taxes together -we didn't even make 25k. Then I started moving up at my job, and Ina. Few years we were able to buy our first home. My husband got a full time job, and although he 'twas never going to make a ton of money, I had the chance of making vice-president. So the years went by and by the time our daughter was born, we were living pretty good. Only thing was, we spent every penny we made. If only we wouldn't have done that, I wouldn t be screwed right now. This is all my fault. And it is not going to be easy finding a job in my field right now. No one needs me. You don't just walk into a position like I had. You have to work your way into it , and although I beleive I have the time to make it happen, I will lose most everything I have in the meantime. Once I get my head around that, I'll be ok. But right now Im so disappointed in myself, so angry, -I made some bad choices and now I will pay the price for that.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Hey, don't start blaming yourself for something that was out of your control (losing your job due to restructuring) and as far as what was in your control (spending everything, not saving) that's a lesson most of us have to learn the hard way. I know that I did. It was painful at the time but I got the lesson. We have come really close to losing our house a few times in the 24 years we've owned it and I know how scary that feels. But in hindsight, I'm laughing at myself for all the worry--going immediately to that conclusion--when obviously we didn't end up losing it. Something came along each time though we did have to give up a lot to keep it. Try to do exactly what has been helping you with sobriety: one day at a time. Each day, start your morning with a mental list of what you can and can't control. Put your whole being into what you can control (resume writing, contacting headhunters etc) and let the rest go. The best way to get hired is to have confidence and that takes a conscious effort to nurture it back into being when you've suffered a set-back like this. Sometimes, you have to fake 50% of that confidence to kickstart the 50% that is real. Hang in there--you know that everything that is happening right now would be 100x worse if you piled a relapse on top of it. I'm just so sorry about the job. I've been through that with my husband and watched my other family members go through it in their 60's with mortgages--not fun. But like I say, staying positive and having faith will get you through it.