Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[Rio Fantastic]

Hou ndoing brother

hey yuba, you good mate?? I'm doing OK. 7 days clean today. Had my covid training for work today which went alright, the routine change will probably do me good. I've got a new SIM card and a new phone but can't activate it till Friday, but I can't wait since I keep getting texts from dealers. I thought I'd blocked and deleted all the numbers but they keep coming through and it's pissing me off. It's the last thing I need right now!

how you getting on rio?

i really don't get how your other friend didn't notice that guy wasn't rattling, its kinda obvious. but honestly for the time being, please keep to non using friends, you've seen what happens now.

i'm glad you didn't get arrested. honestly sitting in a cell you swear you won't do it again but the second you're out you deserve a treat for having been sat in a cell for hours. having sworn down to myself i'd never use again i ordered drugs from the fucking police car when they were driving me home.

that thing about having the power to choose is totally true. one of my support workers in rehab told me 'once you're clena you have a choice' and it well pissed me off cos he was basically saying if i went out and relapsed it would be my fault. it still annoys me when i want to use, that you can't just give in and blame it on being a junkie.

He didn't notice my friend wasn't rattling because he's an alcoholic himself so he was pretty drunk 90% of the time. I've stayed with him myself when I got kicked out a few years back and managed to use for the first 3 weeks without him realizing. He needs help more than we do really but he's not ready to accept he's an alcoholic and seems to have no desire to stop. He has this weird conception that he USED to be an alcoholic because he drank cans of supers every day, and now that he's drinking dark rum instead that it's somehow better and separates him from the alcoholics. Can't help those that don't want to be helped though, you know?

Any tips on how to stay positive in early sobriety? I've had some brief times where I've felt happy and motivated, but it feels like I'm not on solid ground mentally. It's like there's always depression & cravings just underneath the surface and if anything minorly negative happens my mind immediately goes there. I am so so sick of relapsing, and I am even more sick of this early sobriety shit. I never get through it since I don't give myself chance - at least with relapsing you get the joy of drugs for a brief period, but going round and round and keep having to go through the same "detox" - even though there's no physical cos of subutex I go through mental and emotional shit each time, and it's just so tiring and predictable and BORING. I need to stick it out. Any advice???

 

[EPL1]

Rio bro how you doing. If you watching your thread I hope you doing alright. Got some funny shit to tell you. I meant to back in the states a week ago but can't. The funny part is the reason I can't. Remember I told you about the weed dealer women I fucked. Well, I ate her out a lot her pussy tasted good, not smelly no signs of anything wrong. Well about a month ago every curry I ate was too spicy for me and I am known for being able to eat spicy food. I also kept biting the back of my tongue and kept thinking why the fuck is this happening. My tongue felt like it was swollen then the sides of my mouth began to crack painful as fuck I could not eat golden wonder salt and vinegar crisps no more my tongue would sting like fuck. Finally got to see my GP fucking oral thrush. Then he scared the fuck out of me he said I did not have any medicine prescribed to cause it and it happens to people with compromised immune systems. I fucked this bird without a johnny as well so there me watching all the aids movies the band played on and long time companion thinking fuck man I don't want to go out like that. I refused an AIDS test thinking fuck it I just secretly take my ARVS to be able to see my kids stand on their own two feet then I will be ready to go but what I say to my wife why I'm putting a johnny on. I thought well we just had our fourth child we in our mid-40s I just say I worried about having another and the pull out method did not work the last time. My friend finally ordered. me an HIV testing kit from this aids charity he paid for kit I not know. Well, I took the test negative the relief fuck me I will donate to this charity THE TERRANCE HIGGINS TRUST they saved me mentally. its been months since I last fucked this bird so think I'm clear will test again in states. The problem is if I go back before mouth back to normal my wife be how the fuck you got oral thrush since we had found out I'm pregnant you not go there. I don't make love to my wife when she on the rag or pregnant it becomes a no go and my wife gets horny when pregnant but I just cant my baby near there no way I just can't. Like an idiot, I stopped applying cream when lip got better but it comes back so now I'm applying this cream thinking hurry the fuck up I need to go. Bruv we all fuck up I wanted some good looking women in her prime and this my reward is not the woman's fault I did not tell her or blame her. we all make mistakes and as Robert plant said in swth yes there are two paths you can go by but in the long run there's still time to change the path you on. Bruv snap out of it don't be like me and wait till your 43 to change paths bruv it kills me to know you not on here because you back on the needle don't waste your life bruv ill never get my youth back don't be me. You helped me bro to get here 1 year clean you can be here as well. Keep safe bro thinking of you

First of all, no more unprotected sex.

Second of all. the thrush you got was not really anything sinister to worry about, as in a compromised immune infection. That's not why you got it.

Thrush is caused by candida fungus . So, in other words, you got thrush by going down on someone with a yeast infection. So stop worrying.

And third, what you describe on your mouth area sounds like herpes simplex (cold sores). Easily managed/treatable. But stop doing the stupid shit. @yubacity


Ash.

 

[yubacity]

First of all, no more unprotected sex.

Second of all. the thrush you got was not really anything sinister to worry about, as in a compromised immune infection. That's not why you got it.

Thrush is caused by candida fungus . So, in other words, you got thrush by going down on someone with a yeast infection. So stop worrying.

And third, what you describe on your mouth area sounds like herpes simplex (cold sores). Easily managed/treatable. But stop doing the stupid shit. @yubacity


Ash.

How you doing ashley . No cold sores but my corner of lips split open . Punjabis brush our tongues to get to clean it i would brush like fuck and the white coating still there it was thrush . It nearly back to normal had pizza last night put loads of tobasco on it and i felt good before any salt or chili would kill me . Still dont stop my pals taking the piss i call it a war would my first I was always careful with condoms but this girl was in her prime and i honestly did not intend to have sex with her reason no condoms. How you doing mate what you been up to

 

[Jabberwocky]

ahhhhhh ok that makes sense that he was drunk. i really can't believe he thinks he's not an alky cos he drinks spirits not special brew, thats an escalation ffs! surely he must be getting the shakes and shit so i guess he's just massively in denial.

i don't have any set answers for you about positivity rio, i'm struggling myself. i guess when you're feeling weak just keep in mind what using is actually like, where its taken to you at your worst. that's what i've been doing. it doesn't make me feel any better but it stops me viewing using as as answer.

stay busy doing positive activities, things that actually make you feel good. i was doing stuff like drawing and colouring and reading when i wasn't in therapy in rehab. drawing and colouring can be done even if your brain is going off on one. i'm a weirdo so i drew the same thing every day, but it was really nice seeing how much better i got just doing the same thing every day and made me feel better about myself.

how do you plan to break this cycle of a couple of weeks/months of clean time followed by a relapse? have your drugs services proposed anything for you? clearly something in your plan isn't working. i have no idea what it is, you seem fully motivated and you wouldn't keep trying if you weren't, and being able to get past that first few days takes a lot of toughness, so you obviously have loads going for you. i still think rehab is the best option for you. certainly upping your script so you can't use on top. fill as much of your time as possible, and avoid people who use your DOC.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

First of all, no more unprotected sex.

Second of all. the thrush you got was not really anything sinister to worry about, as in a compromised immune infection. That's not why you got it.

Thrush is caused by candida fungus . So, in other words, you got thrush by going down on someone with a yeast infection. So stop worrying.

And third, what you describe on your mouth area sounds like herpes simplex (cold sores). Easily managed/treatable. But stop doing the stupid shit. @yubacity


Ash.

Ash! Great to hear from you - even if it is just to give advice to yuba on what STD he has contracted! Haha. How are you?

How you doing ashley . No cold sores but my corner of lips split open . Punjabis brush our tongues to get to clean it i would brush like fuck and the white coating still there it was thrush . It nearly back to normal had pizza last night put loads of tobasco on it and i felt good before any salt or chili would kill me . Still dont stop my pals taking the piss i call it a war would my first I was always careful with condoms but this girl was in her prime and i honestly did not intend to have sex with her reason no condoms. How you doing mate what you been up to

You live and learn huh?? Are you in the states?

ahhhhhh ok that makes sense that he was drunk. i really can't believe he thinks he's not an alky cos he drinks spirits not special brew, thats an escalation ffs! surely he must be getting the shakes and shit so i guess he's just massively in denial.

i don't have any set answers for you about positivity rio, i'm struggling myself. i guess when you're feeling weak just keep in mind what using is actually like, where its taken to you at your worst. that's what i've been doing. it doesn't make me feel any better but it stops me viewing using as as answer.

stay busy doing positive activities, things that actually make you feel good. i was doing stuff like drawing and colouring and reading when i wasn't in therapy in rehab. drawing and colouring can be done even if your brain is going off on one. i'm a weirdo so i drew the same thing every day, but it was really nice seeing how much better i got just doing the same thing every day and made me feel better about myself.

how do you plan to break this cycle of a couple of weeks/months of clean time followed by a relapse? have your drugs services proposed anything for you? clearly something in your plan isn't working. i have no idea what it is, you seem fully motivated and you wouldn't keep trying if you weren't, and being able to get past that first few days takes a lot of toughness, so you obviously have loads going for you. i still think rehab is the best option for you. certainly upping your script so you can't use on top. fill as much of your time as possible, and avoid people who use your DOC.

Yeah, he's in denial. He has moments of clarity - usually if he's on something like a coke comedown he can admit he's an alcoholic - but then the alcoholic bluster & ego comes back the next day and he hasn't got a problem because he quit for a couple of weeks like 3 years ago and in his mind dark rum is just him enjoying a drink but if he stepped down to the FAR WEAKER BY VOLUME supers he'd then have cause to worry. I agree, it's ridiculous.

Something in my plan definitely isn't working!! Would you mind PMing me those rehabs again that took free patients? I did an online SMART meeting today and it mentioned "seemingly irrelevant decisions" that can lead to relapse. I know now to stay a mile away from anyone actively using - something I should have already fucking known! I swear I wasn't trying to sabotage myself and that my intentions were good, but then I relapsed anyway. The time before this was a relapse precipitated by benzos as well - any mind altering substances are a terrible idea. The time before that was me not dealing with my mental health and letting it build up for a couple weeks. So I guess this time around I will avoid all mind-altering substances except the 3 faithfuls - subs, nicotine & caffeine - stay a mile away from other users, and ty to talk about anything that's bothering me instead of keeping it inside?

 

[Jabberwocky]

i've messaged you the names of those rehabs. how you getting on today?

i think you are right to aim towards an abstinence based approach at first. cos i was doing NA thats what i did, i will have the odd drink now and think nothing of it, but in early days it would have screwed with me massively. the addict brain will use absolutely everything it can to get you to use, including the blurred line allowing other substances creates. you don't wanna do anything that your brain can capitalise on like that.

until you are at least a few months clean you need to wrk with the assumption that EVERY thought is tainted by addiction, regardless of how innocent it feels. its a bit disheratening because you have no idea how you're actually doing, but if you view every decision with suspicion, then obviously bad ones like letting someone use at you place won't get a look in, and more innocuous ones like maybe walking by where people score on the way to somewhere else (something i am guilty of but its the most direct route to work and other option is actually along the curry mile which is a pain to walk down cos its always busy) will get the attention they deserve to make sure you don't put yourself in unnecessary danger.

and definitely talk about whats bothering you! not just day to day but things from your past. there is something in your past that got you to being an addict and i honestly think without addressing it, you don't have a decent chance of getting into long term recovery. i know there is no way i could have without addressing all the traumatic events that happened to me. if you are nervous about doing it in your SMART group or with your key worker, then find a random NA on zoom and do a hit and run.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

i've messaged you the names of those rehabs. how you getting on today?

i think you are right to aim towards an abstinence based approach at first. cos i was doing NA thats what i did, i will have the odd drink now and think nothing of it, but in early days it would have screwed with me massively. the addict brain will use absolutely everything it can to get you to use, including the blurred line allowing other substances creates. you don't wanna do anything that your brain can capitalise on like that.

until you are at least a few months clean you need to wrk with the assumption that EVERY thought is tainted by addiction, regardless of how innocent it feels. its a bit disheratening because you have no idea how you're actually doing, but if you view every decision with suspicion, then obviously bad ones like letting someone use at you place won't get a look in, and more innocuous ones like maybe walking by where people score on the way to somewhere else (something i am guilty of but its the most direct route to work and other option is actually along the curry mile which is a pain to walk down cos its always busy) will get the attention they deserve to make sure you don't put yourself in unnecessary danger.

and definitely talk about whats bothering you! not just day to day but things from your past. there is something in your past that got you to being an addict and i honestly think without addressing it, you don't have a decent chance of getting into long term recovery. i know there is no way i could have without addressing all the traumatic events that happened to me. if you are nervous about doing it in your SMART group or with your key worker, then find a random NA on zoom and do a hit and run.

I actually love the idea of working on the assumption every thought is tainted by addiction. It's such a simple concept but it rings SO true, and will let me by way more vigilant than I have been. I think on the flip side it will help me to dismiss a lot of the negative thoughts I have in early sobriety as well. It's so easy if I let my guard down to start thinking that the miserable stream of consciousness that my depressed brain spits out is an accurate reflection of reality, whereas if I remind myself that I'm literally essentially temporarily brain damaged at the moment and stop giving so much credence to my stupid thoughts then I won't be led astray by them as easily as before.

I'll be emailing those rehabs today. I'm not too keen on 12 steps, but I'd much rather be back in another 12 step facility than living a life of active addiction!!

I honestly don't think i have any particular trauma driving my addiction. The only thing I can honestly think of is that I grew up without my father, who was a literal sociopath who I have no memory of. However, he was involved in my life until I was 2 years old, and my Mum has recently described me being 2 years old, waiting at the window for my dad, who never showed up, and he did that time and time again before finally leaving. However, I have no memory of ever meeting him. I don't even know what he looks like. I think I'd be hard pressed to call that "trauma", right? Other than that my life was pretty typical up until the age of 14, when an intense interest in drugs overtook my mind (2 years before I'd even smoked weed). Originally it wasn't about escape or coping, it was about the joy of experimentation and novelty.

I definitely think some therapy would do me good though, regardless.

I'm pretty well today! You enjoying the sunshine?? When I'm using I'm prone to sweating and overheating so I dislike it when it gets hot, but when I'm sober I fucking adore it. Such a shame I've wasted so much of the summer in a drugged out haze, but hopefully I can make the most of it before its gone. I've started an online TEFL course to teach English to speakers of other languages. Though I still want to go to Uni, I think the course could at least be a good distraction, potentially a backup plan, or who knows, maybe even a career somewhere down the line, and it will give me something to focus on in the meanwhile anyway. I've also worked out for the first time in a long while today, and I'm going to try and do that every day I'm not at work going forward.

I was really depressed yesterday, but I'm feeling a lot more positive today. How have you been???

 

[yubacity]

How you doing rio bro. Yea those dealers messages with deals or good gear do make recovery that much harder but you getting new number so that will stop that . I found it real hard to delete my numbers when you get your new phone dont go get dealers numbers of your pals again. I fly out to the states a week today the 27th my mouth has healed . Will spend last week here getting kids and wife foods they want and gifts to take back .

 

[Rio Fantastic]

How you doing rio bro. Yea those dealers messages with deals or good gear do make recovery that much harder but you getting new number so that will stop that . I found it real hard to delete my numbers when you get your new phone dont go get dealers numbers of your pals again. I fly out to the states a week today the 27th my mouth has healed . Will spend last week here getting kids and wife foods they want and gifts to take back .

bet you're looking forward to seeing them again. thank god your mouth healed in time. chalk it up as a learning experience?? I could delete all my numbers but I've got at least 3 memorized and I can never bring myself to do it anyway. I know I should but my head tells me what if something terrible happens? if I go through some kind of tragedy that could "justify" using. I can delete them from my phone but I have a google document with contacts on it and have facebook messages buried in my chat logs, and even if I do all that I can recite those 3 from memory since I dial them so fucking much I know them better than my own at this point.

Feeling pretty good. First real shift back at work tomorrow is making me wish I'd made the most of the lockdown rather than just getting high through it all, but ah well.

 

[yubacity]

bet you're looking forward to seeing them again. thank god your mouth healed in time. chalk it up as a learning experience?? I could delete all my numbers but I've got at least 3 memorized and I can never bring myself to do it anyway. I know I should but my head tells me what if something terrible happens? if I go through some kind of tragedy that could "justify" using. I can delete them from my phone but I have a google document with contacts on it and have facebook messages buried in my chat logs, and even if I do all that I can recite those 3 from memory since I dial them so fucking much I know them better than my own at this point.

Feeling pretty good. First real shift back at work tomorrow is making me wish I'd made the most of the lockdown rather than just getting high through it all, but ah well.

I think deleting numbers is more symbolic more than anything else we can always get them again of someone i can still remember a few and I 90 percent of the time got it of my mate make that 95 percent. What time you got to start work early or afternoon good thing it will get you back into a routine and not leave you with so much free time and boring as well and boredom gets the mind thinking about gear. Keep at it bruv day 8 coming up . I will be honest last time you relapsed I knew you would it was just to soon to have a mate use at yours still think he a prick for putting you in that position but like chin up said at least you can learn from that mistake . I cant wait to go back now bruv i miss my family so much and just want to hold my baby for the first time

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I think deleting numbers is more symbolic more than anything else we can always get them again of someone i can still remember a few and I 90 percent of the time got it of my mate make that 95 percent. What time you got to start work early or afternoon good thing it will get you back into a routine and not leave you with so much free time and boring as well and boredom gets the mind thinking about gear. Keep at it bruv day 8 coming up . I will be honest last time you relapsed I knew you would it was just to soon to have a mate use at yours still think he a prick for putting you in that position but like chin up said at least you can learn from that mistake . I cant wait to go back now bruv i miss my family so much and just want to hold my baby for the first time

I see now he was definitely being self-centred. I made him promise not to give me any even if I asked, but then when I asked he of course immediately obliged. I don't think there was malice behind it, just typical junkie selfish behaviour. Day 8 was actually today mate, day 9 tomorrow. Working 5 till 10:45 - the max time they can make me work on only a 15 min break, of course. Starting as they mean to go on! Had some cravings tonight so I've just put a podcast on my phone and gone walking round the streets. I like walking around at night - gives me a peaceful feeling.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey guys. How is everyone??

I'm feeling OK today. Had a rough night last night since my money was going in, but I immediately sent it to my Mum before I could second-guess myself, and I'm proud of that. It felt like a weight of anxiety had lifted from me the moment the transfer was done. I can't believe just 9 days ago I was shoplifting for heroin and smack. It's easy to forget how awful I feel in the first couple of days - that first day of sobriety, feeling like I wanted to die, without the energy to take the shower I sorely needed or clean the shithole I had let my flat become, lying around idly thinking of how I could get money to avoid facing the consequences of my actions - it was horrible. So much worse than these mood swings I'm having now!! I need to remember that and cultivate some gratitude for the small amount of time I have.

 

[yubacity]

It's that shitty fatigued feeling that keeps us using. You did good not keeping hold of the money you would have kept fighting the urge to go get some gear. I'm so glad im out that cycle just keep thinking that little bit of relief makes you feel shitty for days and it dont take a lot of days before we have to face wd I use 3 days in a row ill have some sort of wd . I just had a slip on pregabs not bad but felt horrible for a few days luckily I not use massive doses and tapered it down for a week was not to bad.

 

[yubacity]

I see now he was definitely being self-centred. I made him promise not to give me any even if I asked, but then when I asked he of course immediately obliged. I don't think there was malice behind it, just typical junkie selfish behaviour. Day 8 was actually today mate, day 9 tomorrow. Working 5 till 10:45 - the max time they can make me work on only a 15 min break, of course. Starting as they mean to go on! Had some cravings tonight so I've just put a podcast on my phone and gone walking round the streets. I like walking around at night - gives me a peaceful feeling.

I dont think your mate wanted to get you back on the gear like you said it just selfish behavior. I liked listening to Joe Rogan or joey Diaz podcasts when in wd. Hang in there my brother just accept the shitty feeling you actually getting well and feel good you on day 8 hate saying this sounds like therapist talk but one day at a time

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey hows it going rio? how was work? gotta be a bit weird right now! are you wearing masks and stuff while you're around the public? i hope so!

i am a bit the same in terms of i didn't have anything in early childhood that i can point to and say 'that's why i'm like this,' the really bad shit that happened to me that caused me to go off the rails was in my 20s when i'd already been using drugs daily for years. i think i was born an addict, my step grandmother who was an alcoholic so should know ws concerned about my personality at aged 4. i remember learning about drugs at primary school and everyone else was like 'oh i'll never do them' but i just saw they made you feel good and wanted them, didn't give a shit about the consequences they talked about.

that said, i do suspect that even if you don't remember it, that shit with your dad will have made a massive difference and does need addressing in a theraputic context coshit like that does have an effect. there was a girl in my rehab who was certain her dad dying when she was 9 hadn't affected her but its literally impossible for it not to, and i'd say the same about your dad leaving. you'll even have picked up on the impact on your mum.

cultivating gratitude for those little things is really important for being able to stay positive. i've been trying to do the same recently, like even if things feel shit now, i KNOW that going back on the dark would just make everything worse. though god yesterday i was dying of hayfever, i never had allergies when i was on the dark cos of it fucking with your histamines and seriously when i'm totally drained due to allergies makes me miss that side affect!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I dont think your mate wanted to get you back on the gear like you said it just selfish behavior. I liked listening to Joe Rogan or joey Diaz podcasts when in wd. Hang in there my brother just accept the shitty feeling you actually getting well and feel good you on day 8 hate saying this sounds like therapist talk but one day at a time

Thanks yuba! Day 10 today. Feeling positive overall. A few mood dips here & there but I'm getting through it. Staying busy is helping a lot! How much longer are you in the UK for?

hey hows it going rio? how was work? gotta be a bit weird right now! are you wearing masks and stuff while you're around the public? i hope so!

i am a bit the same in terms of i didn't have anything in early childhood that i can point to and say 'that's why i'm like this,' the really bad shit that happened to me that caused me to go off the rails was in my 20s when i'd already been using drugs daily for years. i think i was born an addict, my step grandmother who was an alcoholic so should know ws concerned about my personality at aged 4. i remember learning about drugs at primary school and everyone else was like 'oh i'll never do them' but i just saw they made you feel good and wanted them, didn't give a shit about the consequences they talked about.

that said, i do suspect that even if you don't remember it, that shit with your dad will have made a massive difference and does need addressing in a theraputic context coshit like that does have an effect. there was a girl in my rehab who was certain her dad dying when she was 9 hadn't affected her but its literally impossible for it not to, and i'd say the same about your dad leaving. you'll even have picked up on the impact on your mum.

cultivating gratitude for those little things is really important for being able to stay positive. i've been trying to do the same recently, like even if things feel shit now, i KNOW that going back on the dark would just make everything worse. though god yesterday i was dying of hayfever, i never had allergies when i was on the dark cos of it fucking with your histamines and seriously when i'm totally drained due to allergies makes me miss that side affect!

Work was great, actually. I forgot that everyone I work with is totally sound as well as the managers & I just fell back into the job as if I hadn't had any time off. In the training they made it sound so much harder to implement the new procedures than it actually is - most of it is just common sense like wash your hands and limit the number of people entering. We have been given work branded facemasks but they've left it up to us whether we wear them - I did, since I figure since we have to enforce facemasks for the customers the least we can do is be wearing one ourselves as we do it, you know?

What is it about us that these anti-drug classes had the OPPOSITE effect on us!?!? We must be crazy, right?

Gratitude is huge! I am so grateful that I am sober and addressing my issues. I'm grateful that I could tell the fences when they've been calling me the past few days that I'm not shoplifting anymore - before if I got an order I'd do it the same day whether I had drugs or not since I always needed more. Now I can tell them to piss off and not have to worry that I might get arrested any day.

It's crazy that when we're on H the only ailment or illness we have to worry about is withdrawal. Never once got sick, not even a sniffle, when I was using, except for withdrawals. I figure we must still get viruses etc right? Our immune system just doesn't respond to them?? and if that's the case, and we lived through it, doesn't that mean our immune response to colds isn't necessary anyway and that our bodies can fight it off without making us feel shit in the process?? Makes you think.

Might go and see my friend later. Haven't spoken to him since I was using and had a go at him for getting back with his ex (who, i shit you not, has cheated on him FOUR times). I tore into her on the phone and only realized by his response that she was sitting next to him and the phone was on speaker. >_< Hopefully she's not there today so I can go and see him. I don't take back any of what I said, as it was all true, but would have probably worded it a bit nicer if I knew she was listening in!!

 

[yubacity]

Good to see you doing ok.the mood swings will go eventually as your body settles down. This is gonna sound weird coming from a cheater like me but how the fuck can your mate be with someone who has cheated on him not once but 4 times. My marriage would end even after the first affair yes im being a hypocrite but imagining my wife getting pumped by another man i could never handle it .

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Good to see you doing ok.the mood swings will go eventually as your body settles down. This is gonna sound weird coming from a cheater like me but how the fuck can your mate be with someone who has cheated on him not once but 4 times. My marriage would end even after the first affair yes im being a hypocrite but imagining my wife getting pumped by another man i could never handle it .

because every time is going to be different, of course. honestly, seeing him being so stupid with her I think has given me some insight into how it must feel watching me go back to heroin time and time again even though it's always a disaster. Baffled and annoyed to see someone I care about making such an obvious, stupid mistake and feeling sad and frustrated that I can only advise from the sidelines.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey guys. I'm on day 11, which is where I lapsed last time. I still can't believe that I had my friend over. I wish I'd listened to you guys!! When I was replying to this thread, I honestly thought that I'd be able to let him USE IN MY FLAT and that I wouldn't ask for any. It was so fucking insane that I look back and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I really seemed to honestly believe at the time that I wouldn't relapse, but I wonder now if maybe my subconscious was trying to sabotage me. Maybe part of me knew all along what would happen if I had him round, but I just wanted to justify it to myself so I let it happen?? I honestly don't know, but what I DO know is I am not going to put myself in that position again, and that next time I should take the advice of you guys - @yubacity and @chinup, you never steer me wrong!

I'm feeling OK today. Got a 5 hour shift tonight which I kinda wish I didn't have, since I really feel like just lying around today. It's grey and drizzly outside, my body is aching since I've probably overdone it at the gym in this last week (I love the effect it has on my mind, but my aching body doesn't seem to appreciate it so much yet!) and I just feel like having a lazy sunday. However, can't do that today - got the next 2 days off so once tonight is done I can go back to doing my own thing. I've literally had one shift and I'm already over getting back to work and want another break, haha.

How is everyone?

 

[yubacity]

Hey guys. I'm on day 11, which is where I lapsed last time. I still can't believe that I had my friend over. I wish I'd listened to you guys!! When I was replying to this thread, I honestly thought that I'd be able to let him USE IN MY FLAT and that I wouldn't ask for any. It was so fucking insane that I look back and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I really seemed to honestly believe at the time that I wouldn't relapse, but I wonder now if maybe my subconscious was trying to sabotage me. Maybe part of me knew all along what would happen if I had him round, but I just wanted to justify it to myself so I let it happen?? I honestly don't know, but what I DO know is I am not going to put myself in that position again, and that next time I should take the advice of you guys - @yubacity and @chinup, you never steer me wrong!

I'm feeling OK today. Got a 5 hour shift tonight which I kinda wish I didn't have, since I really feel like just lying around today. It's grey and drizzly outside, my body is aching since I've probably overdone it at the gym in this last week (I love the effect it has on my mind, but my aching body doesn't seem to appreciate it so much yet!) and I just feel like having a lazy sunday. However, can't do that today - got the next 2 days off so once tonight is done I can go back to doing my own thing. I've literally had one shift and I'm already over getting back to work and want another break, haha.

How is everyone?

I'm having a lazy Sunday bro spending the day watching columbo got a lamb curry on the go which been cooking on lowest heat for 1 hour another 3 or 4 hours until that done. Love these Sundays my last one in the UK for a while head back thursday to wife kids got to go bluewater tomorrow and get my kids and nephews nieces presents and get my wife and mom something .

Talking about subconscious I think you on to something Rio. Our minds try every trick to get the gear and what better way to not feel guilty and blame it on a reason what were you meant to do you was only helping a mate. Well, you live and learn and you know it don't end well this early in sobriety don't think 90 percent of addicts could have it go any other way.

About your mate whose girlfriend keeps cheating on him your better off holding your tongue . He must know she will keep cheating on him and it must be tearing him up inside but for some reason like you said he keeps thinking that she will change not believing it but keeping that hope alive which you will only dash by telling him what he already knows deep inside and he will end up not wanting to hear it and fall out with you . Either he not treating her right and she getting revenge or he not doing his bit in the sex department and she only getting her needs met with other men. Either way, she knows he won't leave her and will only do it again. I had a pal that treated his girl like shit be littled her typical Punjabi male who left English girlfriend to keep family happy and got an arranged marriage in India and then I think resented her for being the reason he not with his love. I warned him that it not right how he treating her and every women needs love and if not get it from him she will eventually look for it from the first bloke that made her feel loved and that what happened. My pal try to make it work after finding out but could not live with the thought of her having some other guy sticking his cock in her. Always something that causes affairs either guy or women treats other half like shit or cant satisfy the other's needs or in my case am just a knob that is totally happy with his wife but just likes to do drugs with a women and have drug sex. Keep at it bro you 11 days in and doing real good especially with getting back into routine of work which itself is hard enough .