Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[Jabberwocky]

@yubacity glad you enjoyed your last sunday in the UK and hope you've found some great gifts for your family.

rio don't beat yourself up about making a poor decision, as yuba said, your brain will do anything to get you to score. that's why its important to work from the basis that everything your brain is doing si trying to get you to score. you're back on it now, got to work, got clean in time to do the thing you mentioned last week. focus on the now and what you're doing to make positive changes.

i can totally get about being over getting back to work once you've done one shift lol. the stucture will do you good and hopefully you can use some of the money you earn to do things you enjoy that will support your recovery.

i had an exhausting week last week, doing a tech challenge for a job i really want, so was dead over the weekned. just heard i passed and am through to the interview round which i'm super chuffed about.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm having a lazy Sunday bro spending the day watching columbo got a lamb curry on the go which been cooking on lowest heat for 1 hour another 3 or 4 hours until that done. Love these Sundays my last one in the UK for a while head back thursday to wife kids got to go bluewater tomorrow and get my kids and nephews nieces presents and get my wife and mom something .

Talking about subconscious I think you on to something Rio. Our minds try every trick to get the gear and what better way to not feel guilty and blame it on a reason what were you meant to do you was only helping a mate. Well, you live and learn and you know it don't end well this early in sobriety don't think 90 percent of addicts could have it go any other way.

About your mate whose girlfriend keeps cheating on him your better off holding your tongue . He must know she will keep cheating on him and it must be tearing him up inside but for some reason like you said he keeps thinking that she will change not believing it but keeping that hope alive which you will only dash by telling him what he already knows deep inside and he will end up not wanting to hear it and fall out with you . Either he not treating her right and she getting revenge or he not doing his bit in the sex department and she only getting her needs met with other men. Either way, she knows he won't leave her and will only do it again. I had a pal that treated his girl like shit be littled her typical Punjabi male who left English girlfriend to keep family happy and got an arranged marriage in India and then I think resented her for being the reason he not with his love. I warned him that it not right how he treating her and every women needs love and if not get it from him she will eventually look for it from the first bloke that made her feel loved and that what happened. My pal try to make it work after finding out but could not live with the thought of her having some other guy sticking his cock in her. Always something that causes affairs either guy or women treats other half like shit or cant satisfy the other's needs or in my case am just a knob that is totally happy with his wife but just likes to do drugs with a women and have drug sex. Keep at it bro you 11 days in and doing real good especially with getting back into routine of work which itself is hard enough .

Honestly mate I think she's one of these women that need attention from multiple men to feel validated. She's even tried it on with me a couple times early in their relationship, and I put that thought out her mind because I'd always choose my friends over random women but at the time I just dismissed it as her being drunk and didn't want to bother my friend with it. Wish I had told him now though, maybe his head wouldn't be so fucked from falling for a girl who can't even do him the courtesy of putting the effort in to not get caught cheating. I can understand that there are some people out there who just can't be satisfied or happy with one person for long, but if you're with a person who wants you to be faithful then I think the least you can do is successfully hide it from them. That's why I've always said to you that as long as your wife never finds out then what's the harm??

You might be right about not bothering telling him again. It's just when she does cheat and he does find out it fucks his head up, he gets blind drunk, starts crying, says he's suicidal etc and I hate to see it. He's a good man and he just deserves better than her, you know??

That's interesting about the punjabi relationship dynamic. Were your family at all bothered that you married a white girl? I started seeing an Indian girl back when I was in college and we started to get close but then before anything could actually happen she suddenly cut me off and I later found out from her brother that her dad had found out and gone crazy at her for getting close with a white guy. I know it's not exactly the same since I don't think your family are hindu but I guess it's parallel since like you said your friend had to find a punjabi girl to placate his family.

@yubacity glad you enjoyed your last sunday in the UK and hope you've found some great gifts for your family.

rio don't beat yourself up about making a poor decision, as yuba said, your brain will do anything to get you to score. that's why its important to work from the basis that everything your brain is doing si trying to get you to score. you're back on it now, got to work, got clean in time to do the thing you mentioned last week. focus on the now and what you're doing to make positive changes.

i can totally get about being over getting back to work once you've done one shift lol. the stucture will do you good and hopefully you can use some of the money you earn to do things you enjoy that will support your recovery.

i had an exhausting week last week, doing a tech challenge for a job i really want, so was dead over the weekned. just heard i passed and am through to the interview round which i'm super chuffed about.

Congratulations!! You're killing it chinup. How long have you been sober now?? I know it's some crazy long amount of time. You're going from strength to strength and it's fucking awesome. What's the job you're going for???


I'm having a good day today. I was worried last night because I got paid a small amount of money - £70 - and though I sent most of it to my Mum again some of it automatically went out for a Sky direct debit, and I know that within a 24 hour period I could have had the money reversed into my account and spent it if I was inclined to, so i've made sure I've just been busy all day today till the bank closed at 2PM since I don't have my debit card. I woke up, started working on my TEFL course and now have just got back from the gym. Exercising is making such a giant difference!! I feel radically different to my last attempt and that's the only thing I'm doing differently. Last time I decided to give myself a few weeks before starting other healthy habits to focus on one thing at a time but that was stupid, because the difference it makes to my mood is invaluable. It's not a miracle cure - if I feel shitty then it won't make me euphoric, but it levels me out and makes me feel better and gives me something to focus on.

I want to fast forward 6 weeks. My sober "record" (if you can call it a record) since 2018 is 52 days. I want to be ahead of that. I also need to watch my complacency - as I was walking today I found myself having a mild urge then thinking "ahh, I'm never going to do drugs again". What I should be thinking is "I need to make sure I never do drugs again". It's only been 12 days, which is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and though I'm proud of myself for that I need to keep reminding myself that I'm always one bad decision away from a relapse, and sobriety is an active process that I need to put the work into to keep it going.

 

[yubacity]

Honestly mate I think she's one of these women that need attention from multiple men to feel validated. She's even tried it on with me a couple times early in their relationship, and I put that thought out her mind because I'd always choose my friends over random women but at the time I just dismissed it as her being drunk and didn't want to bother my friend with it. Wish I had told him now though, maybe his head wouldn't be so fucked from falling for a girl who can't even do him the courtesy of putting the effort in to not get caught cheating. I can understand that there are some people out there who just can't be satisfied or happy with one person for long, but if you're with a person who wants you to be faithful then I think the least you can do is successfully hide it from them. That's why I've always said to you that as long as your wife never finds out then what's the harm??

You might be right about not bothering telling him again. It's just when she does cheat and he does find out it fucks his head up, he gets blind drunk, starts crying, says he's suicidal etc and I hate to see it. He's a good man and he just deserves better than her, you know??

That's interesting about the punjabi relationship dynamic. Were your family at all bothered that you married a white girl? I started seeing an Indian girl back when I was in college and we started to get close but then before anything could actually happen she suddenly cut me off and I later found out from her brother that her dad had found out and gone crazy at her for getting close with a white guy. I know it's not exactly the same since I don't think your family are hindu but I guess it's parallel since like you said your friend had to find a punjabi girl to placate his family.



Congratulations!! You're killing it chinup. How long have you been sober now?? I know it's some crazy long amount of time. You're going from strength to strength and it's fucking awesome. What's the job you're going for???


I'm having a good day today. I was worried last night because I got paid a small amount of money - £70 - and though I sent most of it to my Mum again some of it automatically went out for a Sky direct debit, and I know that within a 24 hour period I could have had the money reversed into my account and spent it if I was inclined to, so i've made sure I've just been busy all day today till the bank closed at 2PM since I don't have my debit card. I woke up, started working on my TEFL course and now have just got back from the gym. Exercising is making such a giant difference!! I feel radically different to my last attempt and that's the only thing I'm doing differently. Last time I decided to give myself a few weeks before starting other healthy habits to focus on one thing at a time but that was stupid, because the difference it makes to my mood is invaluable. It's not a miracle cure - if I feel shitty then it won't make me euphoric, but it levels me out and makes me feel better and gives me something to focus on.

I want to fast forward 6 weeks. My sober "record" (if you can call it a record) since 2018 is 52 days. I want to be ahead of that. I also need to watch my complacency - as I was walking today I found myself having a mild urge then thinking "ahh, I'm never going to do drugs again". What I should be thinking is "I need to make sure I never do drugs again". It's only been 12 days, which is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and though I'm proud of myself for that I need to keep reminding myself that I'm always one bad decision away from a relapse, and sobriety is an active process that I need to put the work into to keep it going.

We Punjabi Sikhs but the cultural reaction the same for us our sisters and daughters represent our family honour you was lucky not to have been beaten up by the girls brothers cousins stupid way of thinking but in the early days thats how they thought.

I was 23 when i told my family i was going to marry a white girl my old man done his nut kicked me out the house. I had been driving a truck for the old mans haulage firm since 18 so did not get paid got everything i needed car truck spending money but i had nothing of my own . In those 5 years, I had properly earnt the old man 300 000 dollars i worked my arse off and he kicked me out with the clothes on my back.

My old man told everyone that I was dead to him and if anyone went to my wedding they would also be dead to him. On my wedding day I should have been the happiest man in the world. I was going to marry the women I loved since 15 but insider i felt like crying my brothers aunt uncles no one was there . I especially missed my mom me and her have a special relationship like every boy and his mom .

Two days after my wedding my mom came to the apartment i was renting made me and my wife step out the house and enter after she had poured a little oil on doorstep to welcome my wife into the family. She took my wife shopping furnished my whole apartment tv sofas everything. She told my old man straight dont make her choose between him and something she carried in her stomach 8 months and brought up with love. My brother paid for apartment and i borrowed 50 000 dollars from my father in law and paid him back within one year.


My old man only talked to me again when I had my first child but before he died he told my wife that he sorry and holds the same love in his heart for her as he does my sister. My father in law is a big landowner he proberly owns 10 000 odd acres of peaches almonds grapes but i only ever borrow that 50 000 grand off him so i could work and paid him back .

I agonised for years about my love for my wife and my duty as a Punjabi boy to his family, in the end, I could not live without my wife . Cant blame the old man that was his way but I never had an attraction to Indian girls and could never imagine having an arranged marriage. I know i cheat on my wife but i love her so much we where kids when we hooked up now we not far from 50 . This is going to sound soppy but she everything to me and im so glad i broke tradition and married her

 

[Rio Fantastic]

We Punjabi Sikhs but the cultural reaction the same for us our sisters and daughters represent our family honour you was lucky not to have been beaten up by the girls brothers cousins stupid way of thinking but in the early days thats how they thought.

I was 23 when i told my family i was going to marry a white girl my old man done his nut kicked me out the house. I had been driving a truck for the old mans haulage firm since 18 so did not get paid got everything i needed car truck spending money but i had nothing of my own . In those 5 years, I had properly earnt the old man 300 000 dollars i worked my arse off and he kicked me out with the clothes on my back.

My old man told everyone that I was dead to him and if anyone went to my wedding they would also be dead to him. On my wedding day I should have been the happiest man in the world. I was going to marry the women I loved since 15 but insider i felt like crying my brothers aunt uncles no one was there . I especially missed my mom me and her have a special relationship like every boy and his mom .

Two days after my wedding my mom came to the apartment i was renting made me and my wife step out the house and enter after she had poured a little oil on doorstep to welcome my wife into the family. She took my wife shopping furnished my whole apartment tv sofas everything. She told my old man straight dont make her choose between him and something she carried in her stomach 8 months and brought up with love. My brother paid for apartment and i borrowed 50 000 dollars from my father in law and paid him back within one year.


My old man only talked to me again when I had my first child but before he died he told my wife that he sorry and holds the same love in his heart for her as he does my sister. My father in law is a big landowner he proberly owns 10 000 odd acres of peaches almonds grapes but i only ever borrow that 50 000 grand off him so i could work and paid him back .

I agonised for years about my love for my wife and my duty as a Punjabi boy to his family, in the end, I could not live without my wife . Cant blame the old man that was his way but I never had an attraction to Indian girls and could never imagine having an arranged marriage. I know i cheat on my wife but i love her so much we where kids when we hooked up now we not far from 50 . This is going to sound soppy but she everything to me and im so glad i broke tradition and married her

Not only did you make the right choice for yourself and your life, but you contributed directly to the death of a stupid old tradition. The more people tell their family that they don't give a fuck and will marry who they want, the quicker the stupid outdated "stick with your own" prejudiced way of seeing relationships can fade away. I feel really bad for the asian women in the UK who are forced into arranged marriages or feel like they can't say no, but I feel like the tide is turning against it even in asian communities and prejudice/discrimination is going down all the time. That's a great story you've got there man, can't believe you met your current wife when you were only 15, that's insane. It was heartwarming as well hearing about how your mum turned against your dad as well. I know you made up with the guy in the end but from what all you've told me it seems like he was a real bastard as a younger man, but I guess at least you can be happy he mellowed out in his old age and you got a chance to fix your relationship with him before he died.

 

[yubacity]

Not only did you make the right choice for yourself and your life, but you contributed directly to the death of a stupid old tradition. The more people tell their family that they don't give a fuck and will marry who they want, the quicker the stupid outdated "stick with your own" prejudiced way of seeing relationships can fade away. I feel really bad for the asian women in the UK who are forced into arranged marriages or feel like they can't say no, but I feel like the tide is turning against it even in asian communities and prejudice/discrimination is going down all the time. That's a great story you've got there man, can't believe you met your current wife when you were only 15, that's insane. It was heartwarming as well hearing about how your mum turned against your dad as well. I know you made up with the guy in the end but from what all you've told me it seems like he was a real bastard as a younger man, but I guess at least you can be happy he mellowed out in his old age and you got a chance to fix your relationship with him before he died.

You be shocked with our culture but i say 70 per cent of sikh marriages now between people nearly normal they chose which is great. My mom and dad never saw each other my mom had heard her brother set up marriage with my dad . She had heard my dad good looking from her younger sister who had seen him with my uncle once. Imagine that not knowing what you got until wedding ceremony.

Yea bruv 30 years next year i know it may look like our marriage weird with my problems and cheating. But me and my wife we have a great bond . We still go see bands we still cuddle up and watch movies and she so good with kids she still a stunner . Her family great with me from start and supported me when they found out about the gear addiction proper support coming to UK . Me and my father in law get on real well him being a led zeppelin fan and having seen them live he like a god but seriously they good people down to earth . And im proud of what i did and my wife always says to me when i ask why she put up with a junkie like me her reply always you gave up everything for me. She accepted into the family goes to sikh gurdwara with kids and when she wears punjabi outfits to weddings or partys im a proud man also horny as fuck i thank god for this white angel of a wife if the old man wanted me to marry a punjabi girl should never have moved to the west and exposed his sons eyes to white women .

 

[yubacity]

How you doing bro day 12 now I think are the subs working good for you. My shit is packed I'm ready to go thursday my pal walking around you can tell he gonna miss me he will never admit it but I know he will he does this when i leave . We got a great friendship and he also a big help during recovery. Would love for him to visit states but dont think they would let him in with his record also would have to have a source for heroin in states and i would not trust their shit.

 

[yubacity]

Went down pals house did a couple of small key snorts of coke and now back home shall I call some on but i hate the fucking come down . I been thinking i gave my pal a bottle of oramorph to keep me having it but i will ask him lets have a coke session just me and him but only if i can have a couple of caps of oramorph afterwards so can go sleep and a little bit when i wake up . I cant do coke with him and then see him do some gear and me left wanting some gear for the comedown but if i know i can have some oral morphine for later and when wake up be no coke comedown and no withdrawl from using a bit of oramorph plus im back in states thursday so i not trust their heroin i wont hunt it out their i would not even trust the indian raw opium out there and what i hear of fentanyl it scares the shit out of me without a tolerance anymore

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I wouldn't do any opiates if I were you mate!! Can't you get some pregabs or benzos for the comedown? You might get away with using the oramorph, but you never know, it could reawaken the heroin addict in you man and it sounds like you're justifying it a little to yourself when you say you won't seek it out in the USA. That might be true, but don't you want to go and see your family in a positive headspace rather than depressed & craving because you've slipped up on opiates?? It's up to you mate but I'd tread really carefully!!

It's day 13 today. I got really depressed last night - I have no idea why, my mood just plummeted for no reason. I'm mentally bracing myself because I know that around 14 days is a VERY common time for me to relapse - that little niggling junkie voice in my head starts whispering lies about how I can get away with it, that this time will be just once, that I deserve a break from sobriety, that I can't bear my emotions, and I need to ignore it. I was really glad that I didn't give in today - went to the gym and did a lot of cardio and was just really really grateful that I hadn't fucked it all up because of one mood swing. I know as well that if I just bear with it that it will improve by itself - I know that when I did 6 weeks clean that by the end of it I was having way, way more good days than bad days, which I think partially contributed to my relapse. I'd been having so many good days that when a bad one came it just caught me by surprise & off guard and floored me as I had assumed that I was through it. I won't make the same mistake this time - I know that for the foreseeable future my mood will be volatile, but I'm ready to accept and deal with that if it means freedom from this cycle!

 

[yubacity]

Rio you and I are basically trying to get that justification for using your hitting the mark where you normally relapse I used to get that at week 6 . I stopped myself today got a few temazepam. Got in but still not happy then just thought fuck it no coke to much hassle . So instead got 4 pieces of chicken and chips a cod and chips for mate an a couple of battered sausages . We ate them and now im chilling smoked some weed and am chilled out .

Just get past your 14 days don't let yourself talk your way into a relapse. Nobody should feel like we do in early recovery but why choose to do some gear for a bit of relief you only delay what your body has to go through

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey guys hope you're doing well.

well done for not going for the coke yuba. also sorry to hear about your family difficulties. i think being an immigrant is hard, on the one hand you do have to integrate (i feel strongly about this cos my dad didn't speak a word of english when he was sent to primary school in london and found it very difficult, never forgave his parents) but on the other hand you don't want to lose your heritage. it is, however, somewhat inevitable when you move to a new country. my dads parents couldn't get over him marrying a non-catholic and my mums parents could get over her marrying an immigrant. they have their 45th wedding anniversary soon, so thank fuck they didn't listen to their parents.

people from the indian subcontinent do seem to still have big issues in that area. one of my best mates parents are gujarati and hindu, but he's always lived in england, like if you met him you wouldn't think he was second generation you'd assume his family came here way back. anyway he converted to christianity at 17 and married a white christian in his early 20s, so naturally had a christian wedding. his parents went so nuts about it that they just organised an entire extra indian wedding for him, which neither he nor his wife wanted! some of the stuff he says about hindus in england is nuts, like he has mates who view women outside their caste as for fucking only, and will only consider marrying within their caste.

rio well done on getting through feeling depressed in a constructive and healthy way. that is really important to know that it doesn't last, and that you aren't helpless to it, you can actually do something. though i hope it doesn't put a downer on things, you need to be fully aware that when you're having a string of good days, a worse day will come. everything is impermanent and getting attached to things only leads to pain. buddhists will tell you to try and meet the bad days and the good days with equanimity but i still haven't worked out what that means!!!

in a month from now it'll be 2 years since i went to rehab, its been really hard work, and it still is hard work, but my life is so much better. even if thats still pretty shit most of the time lol.

how you doing today? have you thought about how to structure your time on days you're not working? its important not to have long stretches of unfilled time cos the addict part of your brain can run riot in those.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Good job @yuba - hope you stuck with your decision and didn't get more coke? It's a tricky one because coke is so compulsive. I never had an issue with coke until I started doing heroin, and now I suspect I can probably never go back to just coke since it's so intertwined with H in my mind.

@chinup you're right about structuring my days! I am studying this TEFL course online - it's interesting and giving me something to do in the days and I'm enjoying it so far. I'm thinking of getting this TEFL course done then taking a job teaching English in a foreign country in 2021 until September rolls around and I go to University. Not sure yet - I know I can't make any big decisions yet, but it's something I'm thinking about. I'm also going to the gym on my days off and doing online SMART meetings, and between that and chores etc I'm managing to fill most of the day. I aim to have something to do every day until the evening and then just switch off, which is easier when I've stayed busy in the day. It's working so far.

I am being extra vigilant now cos this is exactly when I usually relapse. Today has been fine - did a 5 hour shift, came back, did an online SMART meeting (not the public one, one with the people I know from a local meeting, it was really good! they're so supportive), did some of my TEFL course, cleaned my flat, and now here I am. Tomorrow I have a day off so I've made plans to met my friend from SMART for a coffee which will take up some time and keep my mind off using. I've been fine today, but last night I kept waking up after having using dreams. I usually sleep through the night - its extremely rare for me to either remember my dreams or to wake up before the morning, so it was weird. However, I have focused on the relief that I hadn't actually relapsed rather than the dreams themselves, and I've just chalked it up to my brain being weird as it rewires. It was strange & a little disconcerting, but not too distressing.

I'm still waiting for the REAL cravings, and I'm scared when the real ones come I will give in to them. It's hard to practice resisting cravings until they've actually come, and I'm worried when that happens it will be too late!

 

[Jabberwocky]

alright rio how you doing?

i totally agree about coke being intertwined with dark now. well and crack. cos i never found coke a good drug, like it honestly perplexed me how so many people liked it, so i wanted to try crack for years before i did just to find out if that was any better. still didn't get it til i went on a proper binge instead of just a few pipes.

i'm glad you're enjoying your TEFL course, is super good to find something rewarding and actually useful to do. having a goal like going away for a bit to teach before uni should be a good motivation for you to put work into your recovery. do be careful you don't inadvertently sabotage yourself though. i moved to france for a year cos i thought being in england was the issue, and thought being somewhere else would be magically better. actually going somewhere where you don't know anyone and with a different language and culture (i'm pretty good at french but its still a big change) is really hard. result was my eating disorder and substance misuse issues got way worse and i spent the last few months in an inpatient psych unit. make sure you've made a lot of psychological progress before you go. are you getting any counselling or anything?

try not to get too caught up in waiting for cravings, its still thinking about drugs and thus giving them power.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

alright rio how you doing?

i totally agree about coke being intertwined with dark now. well and crack. cos i never found coke a good drug, like it honestly perplexed me how so many people liked it, so i wanted to try crack for years before i did just to find out if that was any better. still didn't get it til i went on a proper binge instead of just a few pipes.

i'm glad you're enjoying your TEFL course, is super good to find something rewarding and actually useful to do. having a goal like going away for a bit to teach before uni should be a good motivation for you to put work into your recovery. do be careful you don't inadvertently sabotage yourself though. i moved to france for a year cos i thought being in england was the issue, and thought being somewhere else would be magically better. actually going somewhere where you don't know anyone and with a different language and culture (i'm pretty good at french but its still a big change) is really hard. result was my eating disorder and substance misuse issues got way worse and i spent the last few months in an inpatient psych unit. make sure you've made a lot of psychological progress before you go. are you getting any counselling or anything?

try not to get too caught up in waiting for cravings, its still thinking about drugs and thus giving them power.

I'm still alive chinup! How're you? Counselling is a good idea, but the problem is I've tried to sign up for talking therapy like 3 times then ended up bailing on the initial actual meeting because of relapsing. I should give it another go, but I imagine the local service must be sick of me trying and then bailing by now - then again though, hopefully they're used to that. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has failed to go to the actual assessment since it's mentally ill people that are being dealt with, of course. You have bought up some valid concerns about going away. I definitely won't go before I'm ready, as what you described honestly sounds like a nightmare. What did you do in France?? Were you isolated and struggling with anorexia the whole time??

I'm having a pretty shitty day today. Just felt like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. All the positivity has slipped away and I just want to isolate and get high, but I'm not going to give in to it this time. I'm so fucking sick of being back here. I'm only two weeks in but it feels like I've been sober for months and months. I want to enjoy my life again and not keep going round in this circle. I am getting some money at midnight tonight, so to stop me from fucking up I've told my Mum about it so she's expecting me to send it to her and will be on my case if I don't, which I like knowing just so I can't be tempted. I went to the gym earlier which did help my mood, but it didn't solve it. I'm irritable and just discontented. I was meant to be meeting a friend today but I don't feel like its fair to inflict myself on others when I'm in such a negative mood and I don't think I'd be very receptive to having a good time while I feel this way anyway, so I've rescheduled it, but I will be doing an online SMART meeting afterwards instead. It hasn't helped that I just marked these self-assessment quizzes for my course and I got a couple of the answers wrong. I don't expect to be infallible, but for fuck's sake this is the first module!! What the fuck!?!? Maybe drugs have rotted my brain away and I'm not as smart as I once was. Or maybe the question was a little arbitrary and I didn't spend enough time looking over the materials. Regardless though it's just frustrated me, but instead I'm just going to spend a little longer on the area I messed up and try again tomorrow rather than stress too much about it.

That fucking "who cares" feeling is on me again and it's really hard to shake off, so I'm just going to have to wait it out. I've been keeping track of how long these bad moods last and last time it was less than a full day, and knowing that is helping me get through this one. Doesn't help that its pouring with rain and grey again, and I've pissed away the whole summer getting high and can barely even remember any of it. Fucks sake. I feel like just saying "fuck it" and getting high but I refuse to put myself through that again.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done for coming on here and venting! its so much better than relapsing for fuck knows how long and ending up back here. the longer you can stay clean for, the more your brain will come back into balance, and the more used you'll get to riding out shitty moods. cos honestly, that's just life. i've just started reading a buddhism-centred book about recovery and so far its ringing much truer to me than some of the NA literature. but it means i will lecture people about how life is suffering until they follow the necessary steps to end suffering.

good on you for telling your mum too. have you told her about how you're feeling, or was it just about the money? definitely do the SMART meeting.

that sucks about the test but if you can just redo it tomorrow and get it better than its no biggie. i guess you haven't been studying for a long while now, and thinking is definitely a use it or lose it factulty. i am not as quick off the mark as i was before i got bad. but you can improve. also, your mood being shitty won't have helped. it really does affect your mental abilities, and even your physical abilities, like when i'm really depressed i can barely run which makes me even more depressed!

lets hope that you're just in a typical low mood so that you'll be feeling better by tomorrow at the latest. if you're not, you can ride it out. you're doing well and its not worth wrecking, how much time of pain would you have if you relapsed vs how much time of pain will you have if you just ride this out? i think its obvious which is longer!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

well done for coming on here and venting! its so much better than relapsing for fuck knows how long and ending up back here. the longer you can stay clean for, the more your brain will come back into balance, and the more used you'll get to riding out shitty moods. cos honestly, that's just life. i've just started reading a buddhism-centred book about recovery and so far its ringing much truer to me than some of the NA literature. but it means i will lecture people about how life is suffering until they follow the necessary steps to end suffering.

good on you for telling your mum too. have you told her about how you're feeling, or was it just about the money? definitely do the SMART meeting.

that sucks about the test but if you can just redo it tomorrow and get it better than its no biggie. i guess you haven't been studying for a long while now, and thinking is definitely a use it or lose it factulty. i am not as quick off the mark as i was before i got bad. but you can improve. also, your mood being shitty won't have helped. it really does affect your mental abilities, and even your physical abilities, like when i'm really depressed i can barely run which makes me even more depressed!

lets hope that you're just in a typical low mood so that you'll be feeling better by tomorrow at the latest. if you're not, you can ride it out. you're doing well and its not worth wrecking, how much time of pain would you have if you relapsed vs how much time of pain will you have if you just ride this out? i think its obvious which is longer!

That book sounds like exactly my kind of thing!! What's it called? We can read it together and compare opinions!

I didn't tell her how I'm feeling because I don't like to worry her. If I want to vent I have you guys & the people I know from SMART, who can relate to it. If I tell my Mum that I'm feeling shitty for no reason and want to get high she will try and argue me out of it with reason and logic, but that misses the point since the conclusion that I should take drugs because I'm feeling depressed or apathetic I already know isn't a reasonable course of action and isn't one that I can overcome with logical thought alone. I don't blame her for that, since of course she isn't a dysfunctional addict, and after seeing the damage that it's done to my life then even the suggestion that part of me wants to take it again must look like incomprehensible insanity from the outside. I don't like to concern her - she has spent enough time worrying about me and being upset when I'm using, so when I'm sober I just want her to be as happy and relaxed as possible.

It went well, anyway. I kept mentally rehearsing all evening just immediately sending the money since my bad mood didn't start lifting until today, and I'd gone over it so many times that it wasn't a decision I had to make when it went in, I did it basically on auto-pilot. I was so happy I'd made that decision when I woke up today! And the bad mood only lasted one day, so next time I'm feeling that way i'll ask myself "Can you handle this just for one measly day?". When in a bad headspace I have a tendency to project that forward into the future, so next time I'll tell myself it's temporary and get through it the same way again hopefully.

Turns out with the TEFL activity I didn't even get the questions wrong, I'd got them correct but was working off the wrong mark scheme, and yet I was all too quick to take it as evidence of my own lack of worth and in alternate circumstances is EXACTLY the sort of thing I'd have used because of. Thank God I didn't!

You're exactly right that I feel much better today. If I'd given in every time I'd felt like using these past days then my life would still be a total shambles right now! I'm feeling OK today. Yesterday felt like an endurance challenge, and now that it's passed I feel like I'm 3 stone lighter. Even just a normal euthymic mood feels great when contrasted with depression & cravings, so I'm thankful for that. Done some more studying today and some chores, got work later but it's a bizarre 2hr45 min shift, a shorter shift than I've ever had or even seen anyone have before, but I figure it's a good thing since I won't be too tired to go to the gym afterwards.


How have you been chinup???

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey everyone.

Feeling alright today. I felt a little dark & gloomy this morning, but I went to the gym and it kind of transformed my mood - it went from an inward-focused sadness to a kind of outward, motivated, pissed off but energetic frame of mind. Still not amazing or "happy", but way better than before I went. I have actually been reading over this thread from the start, and though I haven't come right to the end yet, it has REALLY put into perspective how much time I have lost to relapse. I am updating the thread regularly, then I disappear for a month or more, and then come back and have to start it all again. Reading over that same cycle happening again & again has actually shown me how thoroughly I give up any choice I have once I've made that first decision to use. Every single one of those relapses I was sure would just be for a day, but they never are!! So now when I'm having cravings I can ask myself - am I willing to go back to that horrible lifestyle for however long my relapse lasts? It's like Jekyll choosing to become Mr Hyde again, but with no idea of how long Hyde will take over. My mood swings are bearable. My cravings are bearable. What isn't bearable is the thought of losing another year and spending it the exact same way I've spent the last 7 years, so I need to work hard to make this year MY year.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I heard something interesting in a zoom SMART meeting yesterday that I wanted to share. It went along the lines of "a lot of sobriety is having the nerve to face that empty space between doing and learning to just be and not turn to your DOC to alleviate the feelings you get when you stop spinning plates". I thought it was really interesting, and I relate a lot - I have found that when I'm engaged in tasks through the day then my cravings are a lot less prevalent - when everything is done, I have a moment where I'm like "Cool, now I get to relax". Then a minute later I'm like "fuck, I want to get high". I need to keep my nerve when confronted with being alone and not busy without turning to drugs.

I think I'm making some progress again. I feel a little more energetic today. I'm 18 days in today, and I'm really glad I had that slump for the past couple of days, since it's shown me that I can get through them without using, and that it does pass if I just wait it out.

How's everyone else doing?? Can't believe how cold it is and its apparently meant to still be summer!!

 

[Jabberwocky]

alright rio, well done for getting to 18 days. i'm super tired, had a busy weekend with actual socialising for once, which was really nice but exhausting. so, am not gonna write too much now cos you've said a few things i wanna reply to. BUT that thing about learning to sit with yourself is so true.

in rehab one of our psychs asked me why i always had headphones on if i wasn't talking to people. it was mostly cos i had really loud tinnitus, which i got from injecting waaaaaayyyyy too much coke at once, like you know when it feels like you're in a swimming pool. it was like that for weeks and honestly to this day the ringing has never stopped. anyway the psych thought i was using the music as a distraction, which i guess i was. he said one of the most important things we had to learn in rehab was to sit with ourselves. i honestly didn't have a clue what he meant. like every time i sit down i'm sitting with myself!!! but really he meant sit with yourself, not doing anything, not using anything. its part of why meditation is so important in recovery i think, it teaches you to just be. cos its relatively easy to stay clean when you're busy busy busy all the time, and admittedly thats how i got through my first 6 months and it worked so its a good strategy, but to have a decent chance of being clean long term, you need to be able to not be busy.

though i do still recommend you do your utmost to fill every hour of your day for at least a few months, get some mental distance between you and using before you make a concerted effort. but even then you will still have times when you naturally just have to be with yourself.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey rio how you getting on.sky is looking clearer and its a bank holiday so hopefully things are looking up!!

i totally get what you mean about not wanting to worry your mum. its a difficult one cos she also will be worried anyway. i dunno, i don't tell my parents when i'm feeling wobbly except when i have to. like when my mum was getting on my back about quitting my job with nothing to go to (yet, and i'm still employed for a couple of months so theres time) i had to spell it out for her that i was in danger of relapse it i stayed. and she STILL is a bit arsey about it lol.

the recovery book is just called 8 step recovery, its an alternative to 12 step based on buddhist principles. we are actually having zoom meetings for it at the buddhist centre that are going to be made public soon so if you are interested i could send you the details.

also that thing about assuming the worst and beating yourself up about it is very relatable. i'm glad you didn't get the questions for your TEFL thing wron and i hope you can take a good lesson out of it!!! always check this stuff! i'm terrible for it i recently wasted a day trying to get some coding thing working before trying the example in the documentation and finding that that failed in the same way. i just assumed i was wrong, not the documentation.

i'm hopefully gonna have a lazy day today. reading this cool sci fi book called XX its super long but i wanna know what happens!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

hey rio how you getting on.sky is looking clearer and its a bank holiday so hopefully things are looking up!!

i totally get what you mean about not wanting to worry your mum. its a difficult one cos she also will be worried anyway. i dunno, i don't tell my parents when i'm feeling wobbly except when i have to. like when my mum was getting on my back about quitting my job with nothing to go to (yet, and i'm still employed for a couple of months so theres time) i had to spell it out for her that i was in danger of relapse it i stayed. and she STILL is a bit arsey about it lol.

the recovery book is just called 8 step recovery, its an alternative to 12 step based on buddhist principles. we are actually having zoom meetings for it at the buddhist centre that are going to be made public soon so if you are interested i could send you the details.

also that thing about assuming the worst and beating yourself up about it is very relatable. i'm glad you didn't get the questions for your TEFL thing wron and i hope you can take a good lesson out of it!!! always check this stuff! i'm terrible for it i recently wasted a day trying to get some coding thing working before trying the example in the documentation and finding that that failed in the same way. i just assumed i was wrong, not the documentation.

i'm hopefully gonna have a lazy day today. reading this cool sci fi book called XX its super long but i wanna know what happens!

I'm OK, but I broke my vape yesterday! I've had to get a pouch of tobacco and it's gross. The taste, the smell, urgh. I miss the convenience and flavour of vaping. New tank should arrive in a couple of days but it's frustrating that I dropped the fuckin thing and now have to go analogue again!! >_<

The details of the meeting would be great katie. I am much more interested in a buddhist-oriented perspective than traditional 12 steps.

You're like 2 years clean right?? Do you still think of yourself as an addict or an ex-addict or whatever?? Just been thinking about this recently. I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that I am fresh off of drugs because in the past it becomes easy to magnify how long I've been clean and get complacent and convince myself I'm a million miles away from ever relapsing, and then something goes wrong or the wrong situation comes up and I find myself using again, so I'm always telling myself that I'm a junkie who only stopped using less than 3 weeks ago. Yesterday at work these girls were talking about how drunk they'd got the night before, and I found myself thinking "why haven't I been clubbing for so long??" and I had to remind myself "cos you're fresh off a heroin habit you idiot".

Glad you've been seeing friends. I've been working most days recently so haven't been to see my friend down the road again yet, but will probably go and see him on my day off the day after tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good today - got a short-ish shift in an hour or so of just under 5 hours, but I am so thankful to not be fucking DREADING it like I am when I'm fresh off a relapse and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed.