Rio my bro can't sleep got cravings going now. Upset calling my wife a cunt . We brits have a differant use of cunt we say it all the time American women hate that word. Next may 16th going to be 30 years since we met . She was at my pals house friends with his twin sister . I was on crank which is methamphetamine we talked for ages I fell in love straight away and my 15 year old dick was dripping she so beautiful. First through my crank use then my coke use a finally the 13 year of heroin she been there . Sometimes I would nod out In toilet in liv8ng room while we trying to have a family meal she would laugh it of say daddy tired frim work . She been there never gave up on me she could of married anyone but loved a junkie like me even when i fucked one of her mates and I call her a cunt. Even after that she text me sorry I love and miss you . I feel so bad bruv and not had cravings like this in a while . You right about when people think you used when you battling to stay clean that fuck this m8ght aswell use comes to mind straight away. I could handle other people think8ng im still using but not the women I love more than anything in the world who my life . I got that going through my mind plus my old man dying and never saying sorry about beating us so bad it be GBH here he get sent down for it the stupid cunt fuck him
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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
Recovery My cliché recovery journal
- Thread starter Rio Fantastic
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
rio mate i agree with yuba. you are too soon in to do this.
come on, how many arrangements made while using are taken as gospel once you're clean?
its not even clear from your post if he's actually planning to detox, in which case why is he gonna be using, or if he's not its just a cover, in which case you're under no obligation to him whatsoever. i get that he's your mate, but the timing is just wrong wrong wrong. two junkies attempting not to use is basically just waiting for the other to break so you can blame them for your using. trust me i done it with my ex loads of times.
its completely reasonable to set a clear boundary that nobody will use hard drugs in your place. think of it as self care, cos it is. and you have to put yourself first otherwise you'll never get to the promised land of long term sobriety where there's sunshine and rainbows or whatever the fuck is supposed to be over here, i still have no idea lol just know its better than using.
i ate my own body weight in curry yesterday cos i couldn't be arsed to go shopping, was supposed to go for a run this morning but it is not happening lol.
come on, how many arrangements made while using are taken as gospel once you're clean?
its not even clear from your post if he's actually planning to detox, in which case why is he gonna be using, or if he's not its just a cover, in which case you're under no obligation to him whatsoever. i get that he's your mate, but the timing is just wrong wrong wrong. two junkies attempting not to use is basically just waiting for the other to break so you can blame them for your using. trust me i done it with my ex loads of times.
its completely reasonable to set a clear boundary that nobody will use hard drugs in your place. think of it as self care, cos it is. and you have to put yourself first otherwise you'll never get to the promised land of long term sobriety where there's sunshine and rainbows or whatever the fuck is supposed to be over here, i still have no idea lol just know its better than using.
i ate my own body weight in curry yesterday cos i couldn't be arsed to go shopping, was supposed to go for a run this morning but it is not happening lol.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
@yubacity - holy shit man, thanks for the offer!! You're a great guy man. There's some extra incentive their now, haha.
@chinup - you and yuba are both right! But he's coming round in an hour. I've explained to him he can't use in front of me so he offered to go do it in the park but I offered to let him use my place briefly and I'll go take a walk. He is so thankful and is offering to give me money, but I've turned that down as well. He knows how well I'm doing and he doesn't want to see me fail, and I've made him promise not to give me any, even if I give in in the moment. I feel strong right now.
I KNOW this is a fucking stupid idea. If I'd have read your replies earlier, when he wasn't on the way, I'd have cancelled it. To be clear, he's coming to mine, scoring, using (while I'm not there, I'll be walking) then bouncing to our mutual friends house straight afterwards, where he will be locked in unable to leave for a week to do his detox. I kind of wish I wasn't in this situation now, but I am confident that I'm not going to give in. He won't be here long, and I'll never see the drugs. Why the fuck am I putting myself in this situation?? He's a good friend who has bought me a LOT over these past months while he's been in Dudley, and I always have so much gratitude for the people that I remember helping me out when I was sick. I'll do anything for them when I'm clean, since I remember what they've done for me when I was rattling and they saved me from that. I guess that's why I haven't been able to say no to him, to what seems like such a reasonable request.
It is a gamble though. I can't wait till its over. I also figure if I stay clean through this, then what can't I stay clean through?? It would be really convenient to relapse today and blame it on the circumstances, on my friend, on the timing etcetc, but I remain accountable to myself at the end of the day and I know that those would all be bullshit excuses. Nobody ever ties me down and forces me to take drugs, I make the decision myself, and today I'm going to try my fucking hardest to make the right decision (or the 2nd best decision....you guys' suggestion of telling him to piss off would be the best suggestion, but I just can't bring myself to do it). He isn't going to take the drugs in front of me, I've made him promise that, I won't even see them.
Fuck. I want him to get here and get gone ASAP. Can't wait til this is over.
@chinup - you and yuba are both right! But he's coming round in an hour. I've explained to him he can't use in front of me so he offered to go do it in the park but I offered to let him use my place briefly and I'll go take a walk. He is so thankful and is offering to give me money, but I've turned that down as well. He knows how well I'm doing and he doesn't want to see me fail, and I've made him promise not to give me any, even if I give in in the moment. I feel strong right now.
I KNOW this is a fucking stupid idea. If I'd have read your replies earlier, when he wasn't on the way, I'd have cancelled it. To be clear, he's coming to mine, scoring, using (while I'm not there, I'll be walking) then bouncing to our mutual friends house straight afterwards, where he will be locked in unable to leave for a week to do his detox. I kind of wish I wasn't in this situation now, but I am confident that I'm not going to give in. He won't be here long, and I'll never see the drugs. Why the fuck am I putting myself in this situation?? He's a good friend who has bought me a LOT over these past months while he's been in Dudley, and I always have so much gratitude for the people that I remember helping me out when I was sick. I'll do anything for them when I'm clean, since I remember what they've done for me when I was rattling and they saved me from that. I guess that's why I haven't been able to say no to him, to what seems like such a reasonable request.
It is a gamble though. I can't wait till its over. I also figure if I stay clean through this, then what can't I stay clean through?? It would be really convenient to relapse today and blame it on the circumstances, on my friend, on the timing etcetc, but I remain accountable to myself at the end of the day and I know that those would all be bullshit excuses. Nobody ever ties me down and forces me to take drugs, I make the decision myself, and today I'm going to try my fucking hardest to make the right decision (or the 2nd best decision....you guys' suggestion of telling him to piss off would be the best suggestion, but I just can't bring myself to do it). He isn't going to take the drugs in front of me, I've made him promise that, I won't even see them.
Fuck. I want him to get here and get gone ASAP. Can't wait til this is over.
Rio bruv I know what it's like to have to juggle friends who use and are good people and keeping your own sobriety . Why not do this bruv leave key somewhere outside let him know go for walk before he turns up and have him text or call you when all done and leave the key in the same place. Or if no space outside tie key around something where he can grab by putting hand in letterbox . You taking big risk bro but it is what it is try a way where you two not in contact either good luck bruv.
If you want to see what i look like I posted my photo from one i had taken a year ago to send ash. That a big deal with me will take it down soon im well weird about personal data on the internet will take it down soon im in a panic. It is in the post selfie thread . Thought just put a photo to the name .
Also, bruv that honest gift when you get to two months if you rather knock one out and have the money ill do that. I'm doing this, my brother, because you helped me loads when I was in turmoil all that time. Thought give you incentives to get clean ill do it again. at six months a year also. I just want you to be where I am this so much better than being on the brown
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
That's a great idea!! thanks mate. I've just messaged him telling him that. I don't know why I didn't think of that.
You've helped me out financially before mate, I don't know if I could take more money off you just for staying clean! I really appreciate the offer though. You're a good friend yuba, and I'm really glad you're back on Bluelight. I hope you don't leave us again when you go to the states - you're a giant help to me and others as well I'm sure.
I found the post where you posted a selfie, but it wouldn't load the image. Try uploading it to imgur and posting the link, then you can delete the link afterwards if you don't want your picture on Bluelight too long.
ok bruv ill wait for you to get back then ill have you tell me how . On my side i can see it but then it on my laptop im shit with computer shit. I rather you take money for being clean . Ill register on that site get this out the way then ill do it bruv ill delete that on that thread now i used to get m,y wife to do it
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
hey mate. still can't find or see your selfie bro, you've got me interested now though! can you post the link in this thread?
My mate came round and he had white & H, a little ketamine and loads of benzos - "xanax" (fakes) and diazepam. On an impulse I asked him for a few of the xanax pills and before I had time for a second thought I'd downed them. I knew it was a mistake straight away and panicked and realized I was an idiot, so I told him he had 10 minutes then he had to leave. I was worried once the xanax kicked in I'd have a pipe of white then want the H. My mate understood (to be fair I hadn't told him not give me any drugs, I'd just said don't give me heroin or crack since I assumed he wouldn't have anything else anyway) and was gone in under 10 minutes. He did a couple pipes in the bathroom and shot up in that time, and I was really tempted but I just watched the clock and told him he really had to go in 10 minutes.
He left and I was glad I didn't relapse on the hard drugs, but I feel stupid for taking the "xanax" - part of my mind has been telling me "you're not sober anymore, you've taken benzos, you've relapsed, so now you might as well score some heroin and crack and actually enjoy the relapse at least" but the rational part of me is saying that that's just an excuse to get high and that if I don't take any more drugs then I'll wake up tomorrow the same way I woke up today, with another day of sobriety behind me, but if I was to take heroin/crack then I know for a fact tomorrow I'd be having severe cravings and depression at the very least, and it would be really unlikely I'd stop after tonight.
The xanax is really boring. I don't know why I took it. I was having crazy cravings for crack - my heart was racing, a giant part of me just wanted to say "fuck it, let me get high with you", and I was so prepared and struggling to turn that down that when the xanax was offered I didn't think twice. I hadn't prepared for the situation since I didn't think he'd have anything other than H or white. The xanax has just made me feel sedated - I can't even call it "relaxed" since that would imply I'm enjoying it. I just have the same feeling I have with all benzos but a little stronger, just a sedation that makes my thoughts feel slowed down and as if my IQ has been reduced by 10 points.
Thankfully though it hasn't made me crave other drugs. I was really worried I'd be disinhibited and want a better buzz, and though when they first kicked in I did consider calling my friend and asking for a bit of crack, but that thought passed and I'm just left feeling pointlessly sedated and slowed down. It's like when I drink a coffee sometimes when it hasn't been long since my last one and I'm already awake/energetic. I feel the caffeine kick in, but it doesn't serve any purpose when I'm already feeling energetic, and the xanax feels similar but the opposite - when my friend left I already felt pretty relaxed, so its just pointless sedation. I'd actually rather be totally sober.
So I made a stupid decision that thankfully didn't end in disaster. I'd love you guys' opinion on this - would you count this as a relapse??
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I also just want to say to you both @chinup and @yubacity - thanks to both of you. This thread has now gone on for 19 pages, and many times I've stopped updating it for weeks or months at a time when I've relapsed and then come back to update it way later when I get sober. A lot of people have posted in this thread at some point and I've had a lot of support. I know that this thread isn't exactly compelling stuff - it's basically just a diary where I log the things that happen to me, and since I don't post when I'm using it's always just boring, regular activities that I'm writing about, so there's nothing really interesting here.
However, the two of you have stuck by me since my very first post. Though lots of people have come in and out, you two are the ones I can rely on to always be ready with a kind word or some advice. You two have shown me so much support & always rooted for me. When I have a success I feel like you 2 share it with me, and when I fail you guys are always their to tell me to get back in the saddle and give it another go. When I think or say that this forum has been a great help for me, the main reason is because of you two. I started this thread in April of last year, and I've been reading back over it, and you both were there at the beginning and are still here now. I feel like you understand me and know me as well as anyone can know someone by only reading their text posts on a message board, and you guys don't know how much it means to me that for these past 15 months I've had 2 people on here who I can always rely on to be supportive and read my long rambling posts!
There have been times when I've felt like everyone in real life has abandoned me (they never completely left me, just got tired of the chaos around me and temporarily retreated), got sick of me and my shit, and I've felt really alone, and I've posted in this thread and had the 2 of you be there just to listen and offer kind words, and it's made a world of difference. You 2 understand, and so you haven't got frustrated with my endless relapses and stopped giving a fuck, and I just want the both of you to know how much that means to me. I just hope that one day I'll be able to return the favour!
Edit: By the way, if anyone else is reading this I don't want you to think that I don't value or appreciate every single person that posts in this thread!! Everybody that has ever posted here has given me something or been of some kind of help! I just wanted to give a particular shoutout to these two because of how consistent they've been for over a year now, and I thought that warranted individual gratitude at the very least.
However, the two of you have stuck by me since my very first post. Though lots of people have come in and out, you two are the ones I can rely on to always be ready with a kind word or some advice. You two have shown me so much support & always rooted for me. When I have a success I feel like you 2 share it with me, and when I fail you guys are always their to tell me to get back in the saddle and give it another go. When I think or say that this forum has been a great help for me, the main reason is because of you two. I started this thread in April of last year, and I've been reading back over it, and you both were there at the beginning and are still here now. I feel like you understand me and know me as well as anyone can know someone by only reading their text posts on a message board, and you guys don't know how much it means to me that for these past 15 months I've had 2 people on here who I can always rely on to be supportive and read my long rambling posts!
There have been times when I've felt like everyone in real life has abandoned me (they never completely left me, just got tired of the chaos around me and temporarily retreated), got sick of me and my shit, and I've felt really alone, and I've posted in this thread and had the 2 of you be there just to listen and offer kind words, and it's made a world of difference. You 2 understand, and so you haven't got frustrated with my endless relapses and stopped giving a fuck, and I just want the both of you to know how much that means to me. I just hope that one day I'll be able to return the favour!
Edit: By the way, if anyone else is reading this I don't want you to think that I don't value or appreciate every single person that posts in this thread!! Everybody that has ever posted here has given me something or been of some kind of help! I just wanted to give a particular shoutout to these two because of how consistent they've been for over a year now, and I thought that warranted individual gratitude at the very least.
Bruv look at the positives you have done fucking good benzos not your thing Herion is you not got problems with them. Hopefully, they knock you out and you get a decent sleep. You got to be careful with those fakes though they filled with all kinds of shit but you be ok.I'm proud of you bruv and so should you be I was looking at when you last posted and thinking fucking cunt its been 4 hours he relapsed. It is not that I dont think you can do it but the situation you ended up in 10 days in and got a mate doing gear in your house proper bad situation bruv. I suggest you do what chin up said earlier make your house a no drug home . Listen bro you responsible for your life at the moment you getting some good clean time under your belt is your main goal that is what will make your life you only 29 years old nothing has been lost yet. You can still catch up with your non drug using school p[als only difference you will have some great fucking stories to tell. And no you ain't relapsed you are getting clean from brown, not benzos you have a heroin problem not a benzo problem .
Yes you made a stupid fucking idiotic decision but we all do otherwise we not be on this site .Dont spend your night thinking have i relapsed . I once rang a NA helplin e when i was feeling weak and told this woman I been clean for 8 days heroin ive only smoked weed she stopped me dead in my tracks and said im not clean then put phone down on her. You still clean you done fucking really well think of how well you did not the fake xanax you took
Brother we here because we give a shit about you we know you sick of this shit and how you genuine your desire to get clean is. I will be honest I know you will beat this cunt of a fucking drug. Its hard a relapses are part of it. This no movie where you put the iv down and never return to it after you first attempt not met one person in real life who do that must be a few who have but I never met one.
You owe me nothing bruv my one time I was going to get back on it your comment hunched over a piece of foil snapped me out of it. listen bruv I going to give you incentives to stay clean I've told you up to a year . After that, i can help you more then just getting you a nosh
We sort that photo thing tomorrow i did it after i register with Imgur and it worked I tested it by doing a private message to ash and it worked but had written in blue HIDDEN but then I noticed on Imgur 3 people had viewed it. I panicked and delete my Imgur account I still got the photo with ash private message if she on here before tomorrow ill get her to put it on this thread otherwise we do it tomorrow. I'm not good with computers. I always relied on my wife who would do it for me anything with new tech I not know. I'm good at google search porn and youtube that my area of expertise. It is only recently I learnt how to move the cursor key down by pressing enter so i could write in paragraphs so it not one long read. Next step learning when to put full stop so people don't get such a head fuck reading,my shit.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I'm actually 27 bro, which I guess is even better haha. And you are totally right about how stupid it was to have him here. I have just sent him a message saying that he can't do that again and that if he can't hack the detox then I'll send him all the dealers numbers but don't involve me in it at all. I thought about adding that if he does ask me to help him score or if he can use at my flat again then I'm just going to tell our mutual friend about it straight away, since he's said that if my mate relapses or uses while he's living with him then he's going to kick him out, since the last time he was there he was just using the whole time and my friend felt like an idiot when he found out. I considered that, but I thought that might be a bit much and decided that I'm only gonna threaten him with that if he actually goes ahead and asks me if he can do it again - I'll give him the chance first to not involve me in his using.
You're right that I did pretty good considering I could have smoked a pipe and injected a snowball, but I just wish I hadn't taken this xanax at all. You ever gone through that where you've relapsed but either because the stuff was shit or you didn't get enough or whatever so you haven't even got the high you wanted? Or you've decided to have a drink instead of relapsing and you just have a couple of drinks, not even get drunk and feel really unsatisfied? It's like having the guilt and shame of relapsing but not even having the high to make you feel better about it, so you have the negative consequences without any positive to outweigh it. That's how I'm feeling, but you're totally right bro its just my head fucking with me.
I know its my mind being fucked because its like my brain is trying to frame it as if injecting a snowball wouldn't be that different from what I'm doing now taking the xanax, but that's just totally crazy since you're exactly right - I've never had a benzo problem. I've never had a single issue with benzos because I don't particularly enjoy them. They have their place - they're second only to H in getting rid of stimulant comedowns, they're good if you have insomnia, if you're worried or stressed or pissed off about something - but in any other situation I don't find them pleasurable at all. I guess the main joy people get out of them is if they're anxious people.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
The 3 views was probably you uploading it, Ash seeing it and then either you or Ash just refreshing the page or re-accessing it. If you checked the link you sent to Ash for example that would count as another view and bump the number up to 3. It doesn't mean that 3 strangers have seen it so I wouldn't worry about it. I can't remember now,. have you ever seen a picture of me?? and bro you've just reminded me of how you used to post - it's way way easier to read these days, I remember in your old thread "when will I feel normal" you used to have these pretty long posts but it would all be one giant paragraph with no line breaks. despite that though, what you were saying was so relatable that you had a whole bunch of regulars supporting you.
now ive got you and chinup and a few others that come in and out of the thread and sometimes new people and have received a couple PMs of support from people, and I'd never have done it if I hadn't seen that thread of yours. its what encouraged me to do it myself, since I'd just thought that I relapse too often and people would lose their patience with me, but I saw your thread where you were really struggling and posting about relapsing and i remember admiring your honesty and how open you were and its what encouraged me to make this one. Now you have gone on to get clean and sort your life out, and its great to know that someone almost or as bad as me can leave this shit behind for good.
I used to say not hit my sweet spot but our sweet spot only gets hit with gear. It's your mind trying to get you to use. It will tell you you have relapsed anyway so might as well hit the sweet spot. Its all the enemy your brain trying to get you to use. I would block your pal's number because if he can't hack it he will not give a fuck if you in early recovery he won't give two shits my brother you and i know that in detox when you can't hack it you do anything to score.
You come first bruv not your mum your brother or anyone might seem selfish but your sobriety should be the only thing you should be worrying about not anyone else. Get yourself clean and strong with time under your belt and let your pal do his thing. Dont concentrate on what in your head is a negative that not the case you have done really well. You said earlier this a test and you passed don't try to convince yourself it a fail
Don't think ash saw it I deleted it this was on the actual imgur site it said hidden then said 3 views I thought wtf who been looking at my photo it meant to be in hidden not public and it said hidden but was also saying post on it done my head in. If i ask my wife about it she will think I'm sending a photo to birds and she already in a little Stroop for calling her a cunt. can people see your shit on Imgur is it like a Napster of the photo scene. I don't know I still use my cousin's bank account to transfer money because it will show name on their online banking and his email for my Liverpool FC forum and here. I hate anyone knowing who I am I once had an argument with the guy at ted baker in bluewater wanting my email when I brought a shirt I paid cash why he wants my email. He told me it to send me deals and I don't have to my wife stood there all embarrassed
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
well done rio!!! i wouldn't worry about the benzos, i mean don't aim to do it again, especially given it lead to relapse before. but honestly you've done amazingly well and i hope you feel proud of yourself. and i'm pretty certain that you feel better right now having not used than you would have if you had used.
i hope to be always here for people stuggling on this site. we've been interacting for a long time and i won't lose faith in your ability to get through this. you don't need to thank you though its nice to know my rambling is appreciated!!! i am trying to make something good out of the monumental fuckup that is my life by giving unsolicited advice on the internet. i also know that when you're feeling really shitty it feels nice to come on here and get some encouragement cos that's a lot of what i use this site for these days.
i think being brits we (including @yubacity) probably understand each other a little better which is possibly why we've been the constant on your thread. a lot on here makes me realise what a huge cultural gulf there is between us and our english speaking friends across the pond, even those we have a lot in common with (i.e. drugs). there's some super sound people, and its certainly educational to see the differences!!
i gleaned from one of your other posts about how you'd send your mate some numbers- do you still have all your dealers numbers?!? get rid!!! seriously you need an impediment. i know how hard it is. when i was like 3 months clena i got a mate to delete 5 from my phone lol. and then slightly hated them for it. even though i was in manchester and the dealers were in norwich. i haven't changed my number and its on one of the lists that people sell when new dealers come around but i'm not really good at just blocking the number and deleting the message. dunno if i'd be so good if it was a number up here cos i'd feel like i was actually losing something. but honestly you need to put as many barriers between you and scoring, so that there's a chance for sanity to hit.
i hope to be always here for people stuggling on this site. we've been interacting for a long time and i won't lose faith in your ability to get through this. you don't need to thank you though its nice to know my rambling is appreciated!!! i am trying to make something good out of the monumental fuckup that is my life by giving unsolicited advice on the internet. i also know that when you're feeling really shitty it feels nice to come on here and get some encouragement cos that's a lot of what i use this site for these days.
i think being brits we (including @yubacity) probably understand each other a little better which is possibly why we've been the constant on your thread. a lot on here makes me realise what a huge cultural gulf there is between us and our english speaking friends across the pond, even those we have a lot in common with (i.e. drugs). there's some super sound people, and its certainly educational to see the differences!!
i gleaned from one of your other posts about how you'd send your mate some numbers- do you still have all your dealers numbers?!? get rid!!! seriously you need an impediment. i know how hard it is. when i was like 3 months clena i got a mate to delete 5 from my phone lol. and then slightly hated them for it. even though i was in manchester and the dealers were in norwich. i haven't changed my number and its on one of the lists that people sell when new dealers come around but i'm not really good at just blocking the number and deleting the message. dunno if i'd be so good if it was a number up here cos i'd feel like i was actually losing something. but honestly you need to put as many barriers between you and scoring, so that there's a chance for sanity to hit.
How you doing Rio you have a good sleep bruv. Bet you feel good what you did yesterday was a big thing you got through. Chinup you are right that there are cultural differences between us and Americans. Think my wife felt it more when she came here from the states then when I first went to the states as a kid. In the UK we still get a lot of influence from American tv-shows . But before the internet when I first went to states people there all thought we spoke like the upper class. Both people have a lot of good points both are welcoming and have a lot of sense between right and wrong. One thing I like about the states is their guaranteed freedom of speech which we are losing in this country. I think in this country people are to scared to voice their opinions someone should not go to prison for their thoughts. And this is coming from a Punjabi kid who faced racism in the 80s but unless you threatening me the law has no job in interfering I can handle myself. The more things are bottled up the more it will eventually explode. I feel both American and British and love both countries but the one thing I love about the UK and a thing that i speak of with pride in the states is our NHS in a western 1st world country healthcare should be a right not a privilege.