Mother in urgent need of help: my son is a heroin addict

[simivalley13]

Hello everyone, I am a mother who is in desperate need of help for her son. My son is a heroin addict and is homeless at the moment. I was on the computer today and found this site and it seems he has been visiting it quite frequently. I decided to check out the site and register to see if anyone on here could offer me any useful advice on how to help my son. I have gone from everyone from therapists to drug counselors to family members on how to help my son and it seems nothing is working so I thought why not try and ask other drug users and addicts. A little background information...my son is 25 years old and has been addicted to heroin for 8 years now. He has been to a few rehabs and has only managed to stay clean for a few months before relapsing. He is currently homeless in downtown LA because he says if he stays at my house he is going to keep stealing from the family and he cant do that to me and my husband. In his mind he wants to cut away from his family...not because he hates us but because he loves us to much to put us threw his pain and addiction and feels that if he is disconnected from his family it will be less painful for us. Still I cry myself to sleep many nights thinking about my beautiful boy and wondering what went wrong. I cant comprehend how this wonderful kid i raised is now living on the streets and sleeping in cardboard boxes. He supports his habit by begging for change, shoplifting/boosting, and worst of all by prostituting himself. He has fallen so low. He has hepatitus C and even though he wont admit it to me and his father, we know he has HIV. He somehow ended up getting some sort of infection or something from the heroin he was injecting which turned into something more serious and the doctors had to amputate 2 of his fingers on his right hand. I always felt that when he hit rock bottom he would change. It definitely seems like he has hit many many bottoms but still that urge to use is so strong for him. Me and his father are not angry at him anymore and understand he is sick. We are more than anything just very sad that he has to go through this. It is so painful and we worry so much over him. He looks as if hes going to fall over and die any day. We are so scared. He has been to jail a few times but not for too long. Sometimes we wish he would get locked up for a very long time, because we know where he would be and know he is not using. Anyways, I'm sorry if this is overly melodramatic but I just don't know what to do anymore. Should I just keep hoping he will get better? Should I just totally give up on him? Should I continue to love him and answer his calls even though it is literally driving me and his father crazy from worry? I just dont know what to do

 

[panic in paradise]

there is no correct answer to this, so i will just ramble a bit....

initially i thought keep answering his calls.

but, maybe not answer a few, every now and then, even if he starts to call continuously. maybe that will make him start to realize what it could be like if he didnt have you all to call, when he needs you.

dont totally give up on him, for your own sake, incase the worse happened, even though it is his own decision, you might feel you could of done more, but it sounds like youve done all you can.

he might get better, its going to take getting busted, and then getting clean in jail, which sucks(been there) i was happy even grateful when it was over though. it sounds like rock bottom is where he prefers to be, for some reason right now.

"expect the worst and hope for the best." is a quote that has gotten me by in similar times.

please keep us updated if you feel like it, this is hardly melodramatic, this is you sharing your life in a very difficult time. im sure some one will have some better advice then mine, but your family will be in my families thoughts and heart.

 

[tobala]

I'm curious. Do you know for an absolute fact that he has HIV? Because that would change things somewhat.

 

[Live&Learn]

Your son has been on a very powerful drug for 8 years. He may want to quit deep down inside for all you know. You've asked him if he would like help from you guys one last time? You need to tell him that you love him and want to see him get better. How the whole family would like to see him get off of heroin and have a better life. You've got to make him realize that hes living in the moment, and that he has a life ahead of him that will be painful and shortened if he continues using. He needs to realize that he CAN get better, and that there IS life after heroin.

Its one thing to be a recreational addict, but it sounds like hes far into the rabbit hole. Interventions do work, you should call a drug rehab center and ask them to help your son. He has no insurance, and he wont be able to pay for methadone or rehab out of his pocket. You'll need to help him, IF he wants the help. Basically you should talk to him in person about this, tell him that his whole family NEEDS to see HIM sober and off of the drugs that are ruining his life for YOU (his family) to be happy.

And if none of this works, and he continues using, just know that hes still a human. He still loves you and misses you. Hes just addicted to a substance, but his emotions, feelings, and mind are all still there. There is heroin in jail, in fact the first time I ever saw heroin was in jail. But if hes got no money in there, then he'll have no money to buy heroin with. Don't give him money for "commissary" and make sure he goes right into rehab on his way out.

You'll have to learn to accept him as a heroin addict. It is a part of his life as much as television, coffee, work, or cigarettes are a part of yours. Its just a different life path, and your son chose it. I hope he changes, for himself, and for you his family. Good luck to you and him. Keep him in your prayers. He may never change, but just know he still loves you. If he WONT change at this time, his life can't be bad enough, in his eyes, to want to change... If he can handle it, let him. He may be enjoying it, you never know. But listen to what I posted above, learn as much as you can and always BE THERE for when he DOES accept help, never stop trying. Keep everything I've wrote in mine.

 

[hashyboy]

my heart and prayers go out to your son. being 25 is not old age, and while the old saying that people do not change usually holds true, your son is yearning to escape the world through drugs. he needs to look elsewhere to find himself, give him religion, give him ultimatums, but give and expect for progress. TDS is an excellent place to get advice. god bless

 

[SweetSpot]

simivalley13 - I have PM'd you xx

 

[getreal]

simivalley13 - I have PM'd you xx

And so have I

 

[nukka]

She can't respond to your PMs until she gets to 25 posts so might as well keep the conversation here in the thread for now. Sorry I don't really have any good advice, but I read the responses so far and they are full of good info from people who have been to hell and back.

 

[simivalley13]

I'm curious. Do you know for an absolute fact that he has HIV? Because that would change things somewhat.

One of his ex-girlfriends who he is still very close to told us he had told her he tested positive. She told us that when he was arrested for prostitution, he was given an HIV test and it was positive. I don't think she would make it up. Our son still denies it to his father and I however. We don't know if he got it from a dirty needle or from one of those people who pick him up when he is hustling himself for money.

 

[~*geNeRaTiOn E*~]

do you know where in downtown LA?

 

[panic in paradise]

you can/should private message moderators like gen~e simivalley13, if youd like to share any details.

 

[RoxiPoppyGirl]

I don't really have any advice. The people who've already replied here have given you excellent advice. The reason i am replying is just to tell you that you and your son are in my thoughts. I was very touched by your post. And you sound like a wonderful mother. When i read that you realize he is sick and has a disease i could tell you are a excellent mother. Some mothers or family members would just give up and stop loving their child and you aren't doing that.

I don't pray but i wanted to tell you that i will send positive thoughts your way. And please keep us updated ok hun.

And I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. I wish you the best. And if you have anymore questions or concerns don't be afraid to talk to us or open up to us.

RPG

 

[sunshinefix]

OP, I empathize with you. You should love him. Mothers and fathers can't help but love. Answer his calls but please please please don't let yourself be sucked into his world. It sounds like you already have. It is only natural to worry. He is an adult and he makes his own choices. Unfortunately you can not make his choices and I know from experience this can be painful. I've had to live with my mothers substance abuse for most of my life. I've even picked up most of her personality traits, unfortunately. Keep posting your feelings here. Perhaps we can all help you through this. TDS gives fabulous advise.

 

[simivalley13]

do you know where in downtown LA? [/QUOTE

I don't know exactly what streets but I know he is around downtown, Hollywood and South Los Angeles. Once I went to meet him in downtown to give him some clothes and take him out to eat and I remember picking him up close to the skidrow area of downtown. Me and his father at the moment are discussing whether to have a final intervention and maybe see how that goes. The thing is if he doesnt agree to go to treatment we have to keep our word on the ultimatums and many times it is to disconnect from him and I dont know if I can do that. It is so hard to cut off and try to forget someone you gave birth to and raised.

 

[chicpoena]

I don't know exactly what streets but I know he is around downtown, Hollywood and South Los Angeles. Once I went to meet him in downtown to give him some clothes and take him out to eat and I remember picking him up close to the skidrow area of downtown. Me and his father at the moment are discussing whether to have a final intervention and maybe see how that goes. The thing is if he doesnt agree to go to treatment we have to keep our word on the ultimatums and many times it is to disconnect from him and I dont know if I can do that. It is so hard to cut off and try to forget someone you gave birth to and raised.

I completely disagree with the interventionist attitude of cutting someone out of your life. I it think is dangerous, and has probably contributed to the deaths of many addicts. What I am NOT saying is that you should let an addict run your life; but I fail to see how completely ostracizing your own flesh and blood is going to HELP them. Especially when they are suffering from a severe heroin addiction and HIV.

I am sure that you have done everything in your power to help your son. What mother wouldn't give it her all to save her child! I know that your son's heroin addiction has devastated you, but remember: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not responsible for your son's heroin addiction. Even if he has blamed you for it in the past, that is a cop out. He made the decision to put the needle in his arm, NOT YOU.

I think an intervention could work, but most likely it will not. You've already tried the voluntary route. Now I would go down the involuntary route. First I would alert the LAPD to your son's activities and whereabouts. I am exceedingly reluctant to recommend this, since police often make things worse, but this is a unique situation. He needs to be off the street. He could even be infecting others with HIV. Provide the police with photos. File a missing persons report. Do whatever you have to to get your son off the streets. Have him arrested and don't bail him out. It is better for your son to be alive and hating you than dying out on the streets.

I know this advice is very uncharacteristic of me. People must make difficult decisions in life and if I were you Simi, this is what I would do.

much love

Welcome to Bluelight. We encourage everyone affected by drug use to post here, not just users. So feel free to check out other threads here in TDS, where we deal with issues of drug addiction/dependency and mental illness. You will also have the invaluable opportunity to ask heroin addicts questions about addiction. I believe that your stumbling onto Bluelight will be more positive than you think. We are a great community here and welcome you with open arms

EDIT: Bluelight operates under a philosophy of harm-reduction. This means that we give drug users the knowledge and information to make informed choices relating to drug use. Instead of just telling people not to do drugs (like D.A.R.E.) Bluelighters learn for themselves why certain drugs are more dangerous than others, what the real risks of drugs are, and how to safely use drugs. People are going to use drugs no matter what; we are here to give them the tools to do it safely. This may surprise you, but harm-reduction methods are more successful at getting people to quit drugs than abstinence only programs.

 

[drug_wench]

i agree with chic - dont cut him out of ur life!
my dad cut me out of his life cos of my addiction but my mum never gave up on me
because of this im still alive
i was so sick i cudnt hav survived on the streets
i know ur son is in a diffrent situation but i think all parents shud provide unconditional luv - which u r doing
well done, ur good parents
hate tho i do to say it but its ur son whos got to make the choice to recover from his addiction
theres no way u can make him - a gentle nudge here and there may help but ultimately only he can give up for himself.....not for u or for anyone else
the best thing a worried family member can do is go to Al-Anon meetings and learn about how to cope with the addiction of a loved one, plus hav the support of other alcoholic/addicts families/friends
hate tho i do to say it but i also agree with chics advice about getting him off the streets the 'harsh way'
u cud b saving his life and the life of many others that way
many ppl i know hav had their wake-up call thru going to jail
much love to ur family - u will b in my prayers

 

[skiptown7]

I'm so sorry Simi, for your pain, and yet I'm glad you came here to talk, and I'm glad you and your husband are holding that place for your son in your hearts. He must be a pretty special person for you to be able to love him throughout all this uglyness.

I agree with Chicpoena-I'd push hard with the pollice, etc to get him picked up. The harsh way sometimes is the only way. Frankly, what is so bad about jail compared to rotting alone in some alleyway? Jail would be an improvement. I'd also RUN, don't walk to your nearest Al-anon or Narc-anon meeting where you can get some support from other parents going through the same thing.

I also agree that taking his calls isn't a bad thing here. I totally believe in not enabling him-giving him money, renting him an apartment so he can do drugs there, etc might actually kill him rather than help him-but taking his calls? I think it's okay to tell him you love him, you want him to get help but even if he doesn't you're never going to stop loving him as a person.

He is an addict. He has a disease, but he is not the disease.

I wouldn't worry about the HIV right now. HIV is a manageable illness, as is Hep C. The heroin is what's killing him, not either of those viruses. In a way, if he gets really sick-he may end up in a hospital and getting help.

This isn't what everyone believes, so I'm just gonna say it's what I believe, but I believe your son has NOT been abandoned-God is with him. God has a plan for his life too. Try to get him picked up, try to get him off the streets, but know ultimately, whatever happens, he is loved and his life has meaning no matter what. You are not the holder of the key to his life-God is, and you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed or responsible for what has or will happen here. Your job only is to love, if necessary, from afar.

Godspeed. Keep checking in and letting us know how you are. You are not alone.

 

[getreal]

She can't respond to your PMs until she gets to 25 posts so might as well keep the conversation here in the thread for now.

My PM didnt require a reply.
Simivalley- I hope you took it to heart

 

[SweetSpot]

She can't respond to your PMs until she gets to 25 posts so might as well keep the conversation here in the thread for now. Sorry I don't really have any good advice, but I read the responses so far and they are full of good info from people who have been to hell and back.

My PM does not need a response either .

 

[spiralza]

I was really moved by this post. I hope that you continue to seek advice and post here. Like others have said, this is wonderful community to receive help from.