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Mother in urgent need of help: my son is a heroin addict

I disagree with having him arrested in lieu of an intervention. Jail will not teach him a new way of living. Also, don't kid yourself, there is plenty of heroin in jail, especially if he ends up in a place other than county. Plus the care he will receive for HepC and HIV may not be as good as it is on the outside.

Finally, how is sending him to jail any different from ostracizing him through an intervention? He's been to jail before and it didn't work. If he goes back, it's not as if jail will transform into a new person. He will be just another junky in the system.

I think that you should plan an intervention, and get him into a long-term residential program (12 months at the least) where can sort things out. A thirty-day stint in rehab is not going to work for him. There are long-term residential programs who accept federal funding and if he's homeless, he will certainly qualify.

This sounds crazy, but you might want to contact the producers on the television show "Intervention" because if your son is featured, they pay for treatment.
 
In regards to the state funded programs, I don't think my son would be willing to enter one these as he has had experience with them in the past. A few years ago, on another one of my sons periods of homelessness, he did get into a rehab/detox in north hollywood which was paid for by the state. Unfortunately he left after 2 days, due to the program not providing him with methadone or suboxone to detox. He was only given other OTC medications and he couldnt bear the withdrawals and left. To be completely honest, I deep down inside feel my son in a way is scared about getting clean and living a normal life. We once had a talk where he opened up to me a little, and told me he was scared to be a part of society due to his past and his physical appearence and having to explain to people why he has been unemployed for so long and why he looks like absolute death. My son is a clear sign of what drug abuse will do to your looks. He has deep scars on his arms and neck from shooting up and he is also missing 2 fingers on his right hand which had to be amputated from some blood infection he had gotten from some bad heroin. He tells me he feels accepted and doesnt have to worry about the way he looks or having to explain things on the streets and around the other homeless drug addicts he associates with on the streets. I think he is afraid to face society and live a normal life as he will have to answer questions from people about why he is missing fingers and why he has holes in his arm from abscesses. He has never told me this outright, but I feel he is so hopeless with his situation he is in a way just waiting to die. I mean with all the complications he has had due to his drug addiction, I don't blame him. At the moment, I don't think there is anything me or his father or his brothers can do to help him. All we can do is just support him emotionally and keep hoping he will change.
 
Well, you know what they say. As long as he's alive...it's not over. I don't know what if any spiritual bent you have, but i personally believe he's in God's hands now.

what are you doing to take care of YOU during this difficult time? Are you going to meetings? Do you have any hobbies? Can you talk about this with the rest of your family? Do you have some friends to touch base with when the feelings get too strong? I hope you are taking good care of yourself and reaching out for as much support as you need. Definitely keep posting here and keep us updated.

Keep posting,
 
first i want to say that you are a very cool mother for sticking with him and now even coming to this website for info that may help.
while i don't really know what you can try that you have not already tried - i just wanted to say that reading on this website may somehow introduce you to the world of opiates in which you son has chosen to live. and this is a choice and a lifestyle. there are opiate people and people who just don't get it. it sounds like you are a very open minded person (willing to come here in the first place) and i think that you may be on the road to understanding your son's lifestyle better than you do now.
good luck and brightest blessings to you both
djh
 
another thing - but i'm sure you know this - he may not be ready to change yet. bottoms are relative. and believe it or not he may actually enjoy living on the streets as i know many people who do. i was a herion addict for many years and i have many, many scars. also, i can understand his wanting to be around people that will accept him this site is good for that. when he is ready (and please accept that he may never be ready) he will get help. it seems like he is well versed in street living and he will know about the many 'free' opportunities to get help for people on the street.
good luck and sorry if this sounds abrupt....
djh
 
You have to know, this is a quick help, there is Chance and Choice in life. Sometimes, where stuck in a choice, and changes from that choice reselt in agonzing time.

Rely more on Choice, because that's the descion made by you. I understand, you have to have substance, same with me with amphetamines (my past)

Chance is more of what "will" happen, or "may" or "can" happen. Predictions.

The choice you made to tell this was good, so some people can help. Sit and think, where is life, some choices will be miserable to make and will be hard to make.

You are in my thoughts....
 
simivalley, I'll reiterate what others have said... you are truly an amazing mother to continue to hold out hope for your son in such a seemingly hopeless situation. My own mother didn't have the strength to continue believing in me at my worst, and my "worst" was nowhere near as bad as your poor son's situation. :(

The fact that he is concerned what others will think of his physical appearance, years of having dropped out of society, etc. is HIGHLY indicative that he still has some concept of self worth, speculative and pessimistic though it may be. That alone is cause for hope!

Many recovering addicts, myself included, have learned to actually be proud of their physical and emotional scars, in time; to wear them proudly as reminders of what we once were, what we could easily become again, and ultimately of how we bested what came so very close to decimating us, so many times over.

I'm not saying it will definitely be possible for your son, and if it IS possible, it will certainly not be easy. But just that he considers others' opinion of him is a sign of hope. There is some self-respect flickering somewhere inside him, still. With love and nurturing, it can be developed. I wish I could give more specific advice than that, but I can't.

All is not lost. :)
 
i agree with you junctionalfunkie. when i was using heavily i did not care what i looked like - indeed i never even thought about it or the fact that most everyone knew what i was doing. and yes, i am now proud of my scars. he is listening to you - give him time. i agree all is not lost - just listen to him when he wants to talk and do not judge. time can heal but it takes time and in my experience pushing people to quit does not help - addicts are very proud and intelligent people and do not like to admit that we are not in control of our addiction even though we may or may not realize that is the case.
 
All I have to say is Methadone, It has saved so many lifes as well as mine with a lot of us in the same place as he is in right now, yes it will cost you some money at frist but if it works for him like it has many of us he will be better and have his life back and able to work and pay for it in time for himself, just my bit of info hope it helps and good luck.
 
thank you for sharing your story..........

the power of heroin is unreal. i was an addict for a little over 2 years and thankfully i had the love of my family to help me get my life back. i did not reach the depths of your son but i could have. I was basically forced into getting clean because i lost my apartment, had no money and had to move in with my grandparents. All I can say is this.....YOU have done NOTHING to cause this to happen and you musnt feel responsible for any of this. I relapsed countless times even though i was basically under house arrest. this drug is so powerful and doesnt lose its power even after the addict has gotten clean. Im so sorry your son has had to pay such a huge price for his addiction. it is so unfair. im just really really sorry you and your son have to go through this. thanks again for opening up to us. keep us up to date when you have a chance. everyone here should read this entire thread IMO.
 
therightcoast said:
The tragedy behind all this is that nothing can keep him from using but himself. All you can really do is tell him that help is there for him when he decides he wants help. Unfortunately he is either going to hit his bottom (surprised he hasn't yet) or end up dead from this addiction. Maybe since he's so low already he thinks he can never recover from the position and live a full life, the one thing i would do is somehow find (scope out aa or na meetings) someone who was badly addicted to heroin and now has a good amount (3 years plus) of sobriety under their belt to go talk to your son. They'll know what to say.
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I also feel that your son may feel he is in such a low place that he doesn't think he can recover-I totally agree-Best advice yet!!!!
 
simivalley13 said:
I often feel that my sons "rock bottom" is going to be in a 6 feet in the ground in a coffin. therightcoast, your correct when you say my son feels as if hes so low that he cannot recover from this. He has been clinically depressed for most of his life so he is unhappy and miserable when hes sober but also just as unhappy and miserable on drugs, so its hard for him to see living a happy life if that makes any sense. Junctionalfunkie, I feel my son is in the same position as all addicts, half of him wants to quit and the other half wants to keep using. He suffers from other problems and issues along with the drugs which he needs to work on, and I think the real reason he uses is to numb himself so he doesnt have to feel the way he does and wont have to deal with his emotions. I can't really see how he wouldnt want to quit, I mean who would enjoy living a life like that. He is basically nonexistent in society and I cannot see how anyone in that position would not want to better their lives somehow. I just think the addiction is so strong that it takes over everything and he is willing to do anything and will go to any low to keep using.
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Simi-my heart truly breaks to hear that your son has suffers from clinical depression and has never been happy, this and the "other issues" is the reason he has become "lost" in the world of addiction. As a psychologist I can tell you that until he has that HOPE, it will be very difficult for him to find the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Try to find some way to offer him hope for a better life. (Not being sad and depressed) You have not done anything wrong. It is the depression that has left him in this hole. As everyone else has stated previously, he must want change. Try everything! I don't believe in not speaking to him, but try anything that involves a loving attempt to offer him some hope without being a enabler. Although, honestly in this particular situation I don't believe being a enabler has anything to do with it. He has already hit rock bottom and is living there! My heart goes out to you and your son, I hope he gets the help he so desperately needs, and I hope you get your son back!
 
Sorry I only read the ops post and a few others and skipped to this:

NEVER give up on your son, that is the last thing you should do in my opinion. Parents always need to be there for their kids and while you may not be seeing him everyday and your stuck for ideas, dont feel like you've failed because from what it sounds like you are a very, very good mother and there arent many out there like you. It saddens me when I hear of all the parents who have given up or even hate their children due to their addiction.

One thing im glad to hear is that your not angry with him anymore, he sounds like someone who has morals and the fact that he loves you guys enough that he wont steal off you and he doesnt want to cause you any pain means he still had a chance at life.

All you can do is keep supporting him and be there for him, but whatever you do, dont be the enabler, dont give him money, dont give him rides to score, dont do anything that gives him something to fall back on when he's out of money or food or whatever. Bring him food or clothes or whatever by all means, but dont give him anything that could either be sold for drugs or anything that could get him drugs.

Im not sure what else to say, but never give up. tell him how much you love him and never stop loving him. everyone needs a family and someone to love, no matter how fucked up they are.

I wish you good luck and my heart goes out to both your family and your son. Most of all dont let this take over your life too, you need a break from stress and you have a life too so while it is extremely hard to forget about it, sometimes you need to get on with your life because you cant let his problems turn into your problems.

:) <3
 
hiya dear supporter

hello its lovely 2 hear from you, i think we can help you here on this forum and that will be a good outlet for you, and you are in the best hands advice wise from the other heroin users and ex users, i myself work in drug support & have helped a friend & partner off the stuff - at their request mind you - it was as they call it the end of their serious drug using career; his case sounds very serious for his age, he must have hit a real down patch i feel whereas many heroin users get by quite healthily into their 30s and 40s, but i guess being homeless, getting into prostitution then getting some of the blood born viruses has really taken its toll on his body - it would be nice if you could somehow still hold a light out for him so he knows someone is in so to speak and still thinking of him - its nice for him to have someone or something - in the real world to live for who cares, its going to be hard for you and your husband i feel to adapt to understand his world more and to understand that he has made this choice to experience life as a heroin user in the drug using world - as a non-user myself I have found it liberating for myself to spend more time with drug users and understand their world, to the extent it has become mine in that I have found more true people there than in any other walk of life - I would like 2 propose that you educate yourselves or yourself if your husband finds this hard at the moment, as much as possible, but quite widely so that you open up fully to the true understanding of the world in which your son for some reason chooses to live in preference to the world you consider normal - I think this would be wonderful and I feel he would be really impressed and cheered that you understand him and his needs and his reasons if nothing else - properly; then you will understand why it is not a simple matter of him choosing to stop taking a drug and go to rehab - this IS HIS WORLD - his friends, his life, they understand him & accept him for who he is; I know there is zero tolerance in the usa right now, whereas in the UK we encourage harm prevention so we can actively support drug users with love and understanding not just jail them and rather than being seen as just criminals they are seen as having issues and health problems which can be helped and they can be supported along the way in whatever choices they choose to make; i hope the usa will follow suit in becoming more understanding of why people take drugs in the first place - i really feel in whatever way you choose - this would be the first really PROACTIVE big difference you can make to your son"s life - is to understand why, and what it means etc; it has really helped me to the extent that i now truly love and support drug users and that has expanded to vulnerable people and children and animals in general as my understanding and knowledge of the realities has expanded - this would be a wonderful understanding and growth for yourself if you dont mind me saying which would bridge that huge gap I know you feel between you & your son - God bless you all, love, Star - uk x
 
wow, that was really powerful. i think the hardest thing to do in situations like these is to acknowledge the truth, to accept things for the way they are and fight the urge to lie to ourselves about what we know is true. the hardest part of drug addiction for me has been accepting personal responsibility. it's very easy to find comfort in blaming others for problems that we bring upon ourselves. many drug addicts feel their use is a reasonable reaction to cope with the pain that someone else causes, even if it is not that person's fault. i still blame my parents for "making me a drug addict" sometimes, even though i know that it was my decision. i wish you luck and hope that you and your son are able to come to terms with the truth.
 
I'm very sorry, I can only imagine what you're going through. I started using dope when I was 17, got hardcore for 25 years. I shot meth and heroin and sold myself on the street towards the end. I didn't want my family to see I sunk so low. As an active addict I couldn't see how I could ever be happy without drugs. That's the main thing that kept me using for so long. I thank God my Mom didn't cut me out of her life, but I didn't steal from her, nor would she have tolerated that. If your son steals, I wouldn't allow him into your house, but at the same time I wouldn't stop talking to him either. If he is on the street, you could try an intervention. If someone is on the streets and having to hook to support their habit, they don't really see themselves as having alot to lose. Perhaps you can try an intervention? We have a saying in NA, "Try not using and working a program and being clean for one year. If you're not happy, we can refund your misery." I have been clean 23 months, and God has removed the obsession to use. After getting physically clean, addicts need structure and some kind of spiritual program, well at least I did. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers. Pray for him daily. I am convinced that is what got me clean. Hugs. TJ
 
i agree with everyone on here so far.

I would say methadone is his best option. I've known a couple of 10-12 year addicts. One of my old buddies had been addicted to opiates from the age of 13-22. Classic hard case. Tried quitting/jail/detox/rehab countless times.

Suboxone can be used as a tool to keep using recreationally - i know plenty of suboxone users who go off for a few days in order to binge on H.

I would recommend high dose methadone. It 'cured' two of my friends who seemed hopeless before. A high dose will keep him on it and keep him from going back or feeling H. Yes it's addictive and hard to quit, but methadone is 100% safer than H as far as the associated risks. He can get off methadone in a few years. After which the 6 month timetable to quit will seem like nothing compared to the stability he's gotten and how long he was using h.

There's nothing wrong with being on methadone forever either.

Let's be frank. At this point he has few options left.

1. get clean
2. die (of overdose, bad injection technique, street lifestyle, disease, violence, etc).
 
i commend you for being such a good mother. dont give up on him. by what i have read i know you love him, that goes without saying. there not much else i can say that hasnt been said. just know that you have reached out to us and we have reached back. please keep up posted.
 
your son and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
 
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