Existential Horror
Well it turns out that a pre-trip dose of MXE is not an effective means of mitigating tryptamine anxiety for me. In fact, it amplifies and warps the typical psychedelic fear into absolute existential terror. To be fair, 4-AcO-DMT always gives me a healthy dose of paranoia, my mindset was not right for a trip of this nature, and it probably was not a good idea to test out a new tryptamine ROA (plugged) in the same trial that I tested a "new" combination (I have combined 4-AcO-DMT and MXE before, but always with the MXE following the peak of the trip, not before), but I have never experienced anything like this.
Within minutes intense confusion began to set in. I lost all sense of who and where I was. Time stuttered, stopped, fell back, and stuttered forward again like a skipping CD slowly making its way towards the end of a track. Suddenly the familiar surroundings of my home transformed into a flickering, neon, urban hell. I was overcome by the sense that I was not alone. Distortions at the periphery of my vision were perceived as dark and shadowy malevolent figures with glowing red eyes. "Too much ... too much ... too much" and "never take drugs again" were the only thoughts that echoed in my mind. After what felt like an eternity, I started to have a vague remembrance of who I was. The effects must have already been starting to fade when I finally managed to stagger off of the couch, but the idea of ever returning to sanity remained an impossibility. I shambled back and forth from the kitchen to the living room in a state of confusion and despair. While the sense of a malevolent force had not dissipated, I no longer imagined that I was being stalked by demons. Instead, the mundane trappings of my ordinary life came alive. The paintings on the wall, the pillows on the couch, the stacks of books on the table, the appliances and utensils in the kitchen all seemed to be mocking me. "Stop laughing at me," I whispered to myself. "I'm so scared." I tried to dose my solution of etizolam, but my vision was too distorted to accurately measure so I put it away and made my way back to the couch.
I landed by chance on a pair of headphones and came to the realization that I should turn off the television and listen to some familiar music. I began to play an old album that has always led me to a a comfortable place, laid back, closed my eyes, and succumbed to the visions. I was still too shaken to feel bliss, but I was reminded of beauty and wonder. Slowly the notion of my sober self began to return. The rest of the night passed mostly uneventfully, with the exception of one time that I tried to leave the bathroom with no lights on and I felt that if I took one step in any direction I would fall forever into the abyss.
This morning I woke physically drained but mentally refreshed. I have come to the realization that 4-substituted tryptamines are not for me and I will be removing them from my collection. I cleaned the apartment, disposed of some paraphernalia, and initiated proceedings to drastically reduce the size of my collection. I've gone too far this year and it's time for a change. Sometimes the worst trips are the best. I am reminded of the joy of simply being alive.
