MXE 90mg / DPT 10mg
This happened a week ago and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened. I gradually ramped up over the course of about 3 hours with 30mg sublingual > 10mg sublingual, then 10mg plugged plus 10mg DPT plugged, finally 40mg MXE sublingual. Up until about 20 minutes after the final dose, I had been sitting up with dim lights on reading a short story collection (Jeff VanderMeer - who, by the way, produces some truly surreal fiction that can be incredible to experience with disassociatives).
Something struck me as funny and I put the book away. I started to think about the "cosmic joke," which in my understanding is that we are each a living paradox, unable to truly comprehend the meaning of existence, but capable of recognizing that fact. I then perceived a playful, invisible presence in the room that seemed to be joyfully tickling my sense of irony and humor and pleasantly surprised that I was aware of its presence.
At that point I turned off the lights, lay down, and put in my ear buds. I was listening to Yo La Tengo's instrumental album "Sounds of the Sounds of Science," which synergized nicely and lulled me into a bit of a trance. I was starting to truly "hole" for the first time, feeling like I was sinking into a deep pit and no longer present in the here-and-now. Serious time dilation set in. At this point a track came on that was pretty grating and I emerged long enough to switch to Mitski's "Bury Me At Makeout Creek." I was experiencing massive waves of magnified emotional content from each lyric, phasing in and out of self-awareness. The track "I Don't Smoke" came on, and when the following lyrics played:
"If you need to be mean be mean to me / I can take it and put it inside of me / if your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room / you can lean on my arm as you break my heart"
... I imagined it was a/the deity speaking directly to me, offering to accept, validate, and transform every ounce of sorrow I have ever experienced. I turned off the music and was quiet for a little while, then I felt an incredibly massive wave of gratitude, acceptance, and worship. I am naturally skeptical and have been agnostic as long as I've been able to reason about it. It was like I suddenly became religious, like I experienced the exact inverse of my normal state - I knew and was embraced by a very specific embodiment of THE deity. I started sobbing and thanking god for revealing itself to me, for choosing to grant me a moment of relief from the uncertainty of seeking truth in this life.
At the peak of this experience, I understood it to be completely real and factual. It's hard to know what to believe now. If there is a deity, I don't think it can be comprehended.
I slowly re-connected with the present and time began to pass at a normal pace. At some points I think I was hallucinating different lyrics and entire songs on top of what was playing, because I have gone back to find a certain song I remember and I don't think it exists. Likewise while listening to a couple of podcasts, I imagined that the hosts were playing an elaborate joke on me and had produced an episode meant only for me in which they were gaslighting me and laughing about it. I simultaneously realized this was completely delusional.
Well, as The Band asked, where do we go from here?