Meth/Amphetamines: Serious Discussion Only

[rangrz]

bah...I hate the fucking paranoia and harshness that can come with this stuff...fuck me for being like that to my love. fuck me with a rake dear sir! fukken I know she loves me, and aint trying to avoid me, but this stupid wound up set up of NE neurons says otherwise and makes me freak out.

bah, if you end up reading this, I'm sorry. I love you. lets get spun together, so it funnels into lots of sex and affection and indiscriminate spending instead of me worrying you haet me. cause fuck it bru, money aint shit, but you,...your my fucking world.

tl;dr meth induced paranoia made me act meanly to my wonderful GF and now I feel like shit.

 

[Spaazkaz]

As fucked up as it sounds to say this, this thread is almost soothing for me to read. A girl I love is in prison from this shit and its important for me to understand what she has been going through the last four years or so (with meth, in prison about a year now). She gets out soon and is confident in her sobriety but this really brings ME back to earth about the reality of this addiction. I'm looking at it from an opiate addicts point of view and I'm coming to realize how this addiction is both very similar and very different. I wish you all the best of luck in beating this, it's a life long process for all of us and I give a LOT of credit to drug wench for coming from where you were, to where you are now in helping people on here, brings a tear to my eye. I sincerely pray for all of you and will keep up with this thread.
-Spaz-

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

Yeah, I know.

Scared the shit out myself last night, don't even know what happened. Used way too much meth because I couldn't stop thinking about food. Around eight went into psychosis, rampaging through my apartment and throwing shit everywhere, screaming at one of my neighbors and writing about fifteen pages of complete nonsense....decided to walk 5.5 mile in freezing raining weather in shorts, flip flops and t-shirt to buy a pack of cigarettes.... came back and was convinced my rooommate was going to call the cops on me and they were going to search the apartment if I went to sleep so I hide anything drug-related in random parts of the apartment and now have NO idea where anything is... then around seven was convinced I had gone totally crazy permemantly, took a bunch of xanax after apparently posting here and passed out.

My roommate (we are not close at all and she doesn't drink, do drugs, smoke, anything, and has been pretty much hating me for the past week) woke me up around 1 and had a bunch of food and just sort of sat down and looked at me until I ate it, starting talking about ex-boyfriend and put me in the shower/washed my hair (I feel like shit, dizzy, naeseous, can't stand up myself) and then used her chemistry book to keep my door open, and and has been sitting in the living room watching television until like a half hour ago when she finally went in her room. Weirdest most awkward thing ever, not once did she ask me what was going on or if I was on drugs or not eating or anything, just kept talking about the most random shit possible. I have no idea why she did this but thank god.

Did not wake up wanting to use today. Don't know where I put my shit. Still feel really disoriented, but not wanting to use right now. But I want to use tomorrow. I don't know, I'm scared and I feel like I can't talk to anybody in my life about this because no one (besides my two friends who tweak) know that I relapsed months ago and I've been so good at hidng it. And I really want someone to help me but I'm too scared to have to do what getting help entails. I've been sitting here crying for the past twenty minutes, just feel so fucking alone and trapped and confused. Ah. Fuck this drug, fuck fuck fuck it. And sorry this is more of a journal entry than a post.

I'm guessing your room-mate didn't say anything, because we all know how people are when they lose it on meth. She probably didn't want to set you off even more, but helped you none the less and did so without passing judgement, well to your face anyway (?) I think what she did was kind.

 

[gorgoroth]

I've been clean off methamphetamine for a few months solid, proud of myself. I take 60 milligrams of dexedrine a day for maintainance from the methamph, and a few other reasons.
I find dextroamph to be pretty euphoric in itself, i'd even call it extremely euphoric. But when I shot up 200 milligrams of methamph, nothing could compare. Lesser of two sadistic and cruel, evils.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I'm guessing your room-mate didn't say anything, because we all know how people are when they lose it on meth. She probably didn't want to set you off even more, but helped you none the less and did so without passing judgement, well to your face anyway (?) I think what she did was kind.

Yeah she's nice. She's too nice though, she lets people walk over her. It drives me crazy because I'm always trying to get her to stand up more/tell me and other people when something bothers her, but she just claims shes OK with everything, all the time, and then gets depressed/angry for long periods of time... I don't know if she knew what was going on, she really knows NOTHING about drugs at all. I have a history of eating disorders and I was hospitalized over the summer while I was living with her... pre-hospitalization that was pretty frequent behavior and she used to do that then.

But I think I'm going to have to move out soon, I feel too bad living here with her. Her old roommate left last year to go to school and we had a mutual friend, but she was really uncomfortable about living with me because of my drug history. I told her I was clean (and was for the first 7 months we lived together) but I feel like she's really uncomfortable with the living situation now. Not sure where I'm going to move though.

Anyway, I made it 36 hours without meth but gave in again. Is that progress? I don't know if that counts.

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

Haha I know people who are like that too, you just want to shake something out of them when they say they are ok 24/7.

Dare I say it, but before you move out, it might be best to just sit down and have a talk with her about everything. And just be honest, if it is truly a problem for you both, you living there, maybe it is best to move out. Or maybe she is willing to accommodate? Good luck.

 

[wingnutlives]

^+1
wingnut, u take amphetamines for ADD right?
if u keep to the right doses u shudnt hav too much probs
some ppl just take their meds on days wen they need them for study etc
maybe ur on too high a dosage

try reducing ur dose and only taking the pills wen needed - and always swallow them rather than snorting etc (not saying u do snort etc, just advice) for harm reductions sake
also ull get more therapeutic value out of them then and less of an addictive 'rush'
ideally on the right dose of amphetamine meds for AD(H)D, u dont feel high

Yeah I try to stick to my regular dosage, but I took a shitload a few days back because I was cramming for a test (which I failed - speed don't make me no smarter). I've reduced my dosage after that, so now my regular dose works for me again ::yay:: I'm going to try to reduce it even further though, but it's total torture feeling weak and listless without it - I HATE being tired and I am chronically tired, so amphetamines make feel like what a normal person with natural energy would feel like.

 

[drug_wench]

I'm going to try to reduce it even further though, but it's total torture feeling weak and listless without it - I HATE being tired and I am chronically tired, so amphetamines make feel like what a normal person with natural energy would feel like.

u probly know this already but the more u use amphetamines the more u will come to rely on them for that unnatural energy - and itll feel like natural energy in the end, wen in fact.....its not
gd on u for starting to stick to ur normal dose - the more u can do that, the more u can focus on getting that energy the regular way other ppl hav to - try going to a herbalist and see about wat kind of natural supplements there r out there that can give u natural energy
tbh im tired all the time atm (not sleeping well and a bit run-down) so im tempted to start using again
but i fucking well wont cos i know where it leads me
i cant even take my dexies atm either cos the doctor who prescribes my suboxone doesnt want me on both for some reason

gorgoroth - u r doing very well too....i know some days u find it very hard, from talking to u on MSN, but ur battling on and thats something i admire in anyone
remember im always here to talk to and im proud of how uve come along!

mia - yes 36hrs is wonderful
evry hour u go without meth is a miracle at first (and forever after)
plz keep in mind wat i said about getting help tho.....its very near impossible to do alone and there r wonderful services out there to help u
well done!

spaazkaz - sorry to hear ur gfs in jail but very happy to hear shes got clean
i suffered from opiate addiction too, and ur right - they r different but similar
both ruin ur life is one thing for sure
thank u for the compliment
ur obviously a loving guy to care enough to learn about her addiction

rangrz - we all do things we regret wen were using meth
rather than wishing ur gf wud tweak with u (which wud b a disaster cos ud both end up fucked up and going nowhere - whereas she has the potential to help u as shes not using) a simple apology im sure wud b fine esp if she luvs u and understands ur addiction
at least u hav the decency to regret it
u hav to forgive urself too tho - wallowing in guilt and shame gets u nowhere
rather, maybe u shud move on and possibly think about getting help?

things havnt bn easy here lately and i bought a bag of meth from an old contact i met at the needle exchange the other day
i go to the needle exchange purely to buy injectable sterile water (and of course the clean syringes/fits) as thats how my drug counsellor is suggesting i wean myself slowly off my needle fixation after my relapse on opiates end of last yr (september - december) - im down to only IVing three times a week most weeks now (water!)
sounds strange but its working - im slowly thinking less about shooting up
anyway...the meth
the whole way home i desperately wanted to get rid of it but i also desperately wanted to hit it up and i knew mum wud kill me if she knew i had it
wen we got inside i looked at the picture on the back of my door of my horse and me show-jumping with the post-it note attached underneath reading 'IF YOU USE P YOU WILL LOSE ME' - in the picture im all gaunt and pale and dont look well
i thought 'nah' and rang my friend marie who runs a support group for P addicts in recovery - she told me firmly to flush the shit now and reminded me of all the things it had done to me, and how disappointed paul wud feel
i flushed it!
$750 down the toilet.......but hey, id still b on it now if i hadnt done so so im pretty relieved i did so
pauls proud of me too - i was kind of scared to tell him but hes my love and i tell him evrything....
to all those struggling atm, as usual, hang in there
im only a PM away

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Haha I know people who are like that too, you just want to shake something out of them when they say they are ok 24/7.

Dare I say it, but before you move out, it might be best to just sit down and have a talk with her about everything. And just be honest, if it is truly a problem for you both, you living there, maybe it is best to move out. Or maybe she is willing to accommodate? Good luck.

The problem is I know she won't tell me if I ask her... she really CAN'T tell me that something bothers her. I always her ask if I know something might bother her (our apartment is a two-bedroom and pretty small, so turning lights/music/tv on, people staying over, etc) and she always says no even if I ask her three times. I can usually tell if it does so I'll stop, but there's been a few times very I've been up and doing something and not realized until like 4 or 5 AM that she's still up and can't fall asleep because she's bothered, and I'll apologize in the morning and she'll lie and say she was fine and dead asleep all night. I appreciate the flexibility/kindness, but come on

She walked in on me (opened my door without knocking to ask me, was very strange/unlike her) when I was making lines two weeks or something ago, and just slammed the door and walked right out. Was REALLY awkward in the apartment for a while, when I finally tried to talk to her about it she just said it was fine and she was sure it was a one time thing. But in the past few months she's just become more depressed and quiet around me, and started having these weird (and first-time) drinking binges every couple weeks... I feel like I'm having a bad effect on her, and since the walk-in thing she's SO uncomfortable all the time, I don't know how to talk to her and get her to be honest with me.

So I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to move, partly because we get along well as roommates and partly because this apartment is cheap and not in a super dangerous area of really shitty. So I don't know. Ugh.

mia - yes 36hrs is wonderful
evry hour u go without meth is a miracle at first (and forever after)
plz keep in mind wat i said about getting help tho.....its very near impossible to do alone and there r wonderful services out there to help u
well done!

Is it any kind of progress is I relapse though? I don't know where to go right now... because I feel like I'm in this weird middle phase, don't want to stop using but I want to work on getting to the point where I want to stop using? I dont' know (really I just want this stuff to stop controlling my life and get back to not using everyday, but I know after 5 years I can’t be even just a weekend-user).

I just lost pretty much all of my medical/mental support system because I lost my health insurance and I don't know anything about free clinics and Medicaid or anything like that (trying to get health insurance through my job right now but it's complicated and taking a while). And I've always gone to private groups sponsored through treatment centers I've been at, never gone to an NA meeting or anything like that.... I just feel like there's nowhere to go unless I want to get clean permanently, and I don’t want to lie and waste a bunch of people’s time.

I don’t know how you quit drug-wench and can come and read all of us users posts and be so kind/patient… I would go crazy reading about meth and want to kick us all and you're so patient/forgiving... I've made a dozen posts whining about how much this stuff is killing me and yet I keep coming back and using.... You are so strong and an angel girlie

 

[claire22]

Meth sucks man. But I don't want to give up. Wtf?

 

[drug_wench]

Is it any kind of progress is I relapse though? I don't know where to go right now... because I feel like I'm in this weird middle phase, don't want to stop using but I want to work on getting to the point where I want to stop using? I dont' know (really I just want this stuff to stop controlling my life and get back to not using everyday, but I know after 5 years I can’t be even just a weekend-user).

I just lost pretty much all of my medical/mental support system because I lost my health insurance and I don't know anything about free clinics and Medicaid or anything like that (trying to get health insurance through my job right now but it's complicated and taking a while). And I've always gone to private groups sponsored through treatment centers I've been at, never gone to an NA meeting or anything like that.... I just feel like there's nowhere to go unless I want to get clean permanently, and I don’t want to lie and waste a bunch of people’s time.

I don’t know how you quit drug-wench and can come and read all of us users posts and be so kind/patient… I would go crazy reading about meth and want to kick us all and you're so patient/forgiving... I've made a dozen posts whining about how much this stuff is killing me and yet I keep coming back and using.... You are so strong and an angel girlie

yes even if u relapsed it was still progress
like i say, evry hour u go without using is progress
and often with meth in particular there r many many relapses before enough is enough and u finally stop
like u say, ur in this middle phase atm tho, so ur probly not yet ready to fully stop
maybe u r ready to try and take the odd 36 - 72hr break without it tho just to get a feeling for wat its going to b like wen u finally do decide to go for it all guns blazing
u will b familiar with wat the withdrawals feel like

if u can no longer go to private groups/rehabs, maybe u shud try NA/AA for awhile
it has pretty bad press and tbh i cudnt stand going to it for more than a yr, mostly cos of the politics and bitchery that went on behind it
u dont even need to believe half of wat they say....sometimes its just gd to go along purely to meet ppl who rnt using and want to support u wen ur in that crisis mode ('im going to use' - thats wen u ring someone from a meeting)
u dont even hav to abstain from all drugs - u just cant share wen ur high
basically take wat u can get out of it - its free and its usually a nice atmosphere as long as u dont get caught up in the shit that goes on behind the scenes

as for why i come back here - cos while u all hav ur problems with meth, i totally identify!
i was just the same
it brings me solace to identify with other meth addicts and i want to do all i can to help, as ive experienced numerous relapses and know wat works and wat doesnt
TDS saved my life wen i was a severe meth addict and now its my turn to give back
its also rewarding to see improvement in some of u - no doubt, mia, oneday u will join those ranks, hun

claire - of course u dont want to give up yet u hate it
thats all part of being an addict
uve identified that u hate it.....now its time to motivate urself into finding a way to hopefully start wanting to give up
remember wen u managed all that time clean?
u can do it again!

i always say this but remember, mia, claire and anyone else in this thread (or just viewing) the PM box is always open - and u will always get a reply!
tomorrows another day

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Thanks drug wench

Despite so many detoxes, it never sticks with me how BAD the depression is when you're coming off.... I just remember how bad the cravings are I'm going to try and take more breaks, just to get my body in better shape and get a bit more used to the coming down aspect... I tend to use everday for up to two months (taking 4/5 hour daily naps with pills) so the come down is always a severe shock for me. But I am getting closer to thinking about quitting/finding the motivation, pulled over today while I was driving because I got so upset about it...

I think I am going to try and find an NA meeting to go to sometime this week... looked online and there are some late in the evening so that works with my schedule... will just see what it's like, it's free at least...for some reason I had the impression you're supposed to be clean to go.

I am glad you enjoy and get some fullfillment out of posting here, your responses are always helpful and dead on

 

[zephyr]

Meth addicts need a lot of support when coming off it and are sometimes the least likely to ask for or accept help. Also are the least likely to get support needed from old friends as usually their behaviour means they lose those friends or they are still using themselves.

I developed severe agoraphobia and social anxiety in the last few months of using which got WORSE with sobriety. Its easier now I have people here to talk to and have a relationship with someone who will not either stand for me using nor use
Himself, despite having done so off and on in his past

Its hard. I am at his place , his mates were all on it as a festival was on.

I decided to not hang out with them when they arrived home as I would want. So I feel rude and a snob but just want to avoid cravings.

No relapses since last time. Dont want. But am drinking a hell of a lot and having an odd spliff or two which is strange. I never got into pot at all.











.

 

[3DayRun]

I was real close to actually getting out myself, but then I got dragged back in kicking and screaming. It was, honestly, beyond my ability to help. Sounds, dumb, huh? It's the truth, though.

 

[drug_wench]

I was real close to actually getting out myself, but then I got dragged back in kicking and screaming. It was, honestly, beyond my ability to help. Sounds, dumb, huh? It's the truth, though.

dumb? not at all - it sounds totally familiar actually
so ur looking at quitting 3dayrun?
do u hav an action plan for this?
if u PM me i can help u come up with one

zeph - i totally identify with the agoraphobia-type feelings....i still avoid supermarkets, the city or anywhere else where an attack of paranoia cud come on
sometimes, cliche as it sounds, i guess it has to get better before it gets worse
dont feel rude and snobby for not hanging out with meth users - ur safety comes first
uve done so well, of course its not worth fucking up!
as for drinking and pot - if they feel like theyre becoming a problem thats wen u worry....if ur just indulging a bit atm i wudnt worry too much
put it this way - if u can go weeks on end without using pot/drinking and u hav no desire to do so, dont worry
otherwise, maybe u need to think about cutting back

mia - u sound like ur definitely improving
no the only rule NA has is that u hav 'the desire to stop using'
that, i believe u hav
gd luck with ur first meeting if u do go - let us know how it is!!!!
and yea, strange how we always forget how awful the comedown feels until it hits yet again
the cycle of meth use: burn - crash - burn - crash
shit isnt it

 

[Cface]

The one thing i learned that really gets you off meth is severing all ties from anyone that uses it (all my friends). I had to move two states over to get away from all my connections (for all my drugs). And if it weren't for that i'd DEFINITELY still be smoking meth. I still crave it, but i've got no way of getting it now. I'd sure as hell sell my tv or my dog to get some right about now, but it's just impossible!

Like my mother said to me, sometimes you gotta know your limitations and get out. Maybe what you need to do is something a bit more drastic.

But i'm no saint, i'm moving back home in a week and i already made a call...


Good luck making it through it all guys.

 

[psynirvana01]

i'm thinking about trying crystal once..i'm not worried about addiction cuz i'm wayy more of a downer person and didn't even like the feelings adderall gives me, so i think i could try it once then quit..

 

[Crankinit]

Not really much point. If you don't like it, you've wasted time and money, and put yourself through an unenjoyable high. If you do like it, you'll end up getting more into it (there's no such thing as just once, and usually no such thing as just occasionally, if you enjoy meth), waste more money, and fall into the whole trap of meth use and all the issues it entails.

 

[3DayRun]

One I was told and I find that rings true. Crystal meth is more of a lifestyle than a drug.

 

[drug_wench]

One I was told and I find that rings true. Crystal meth is more of a lifestyle than a drug.

id agree with this one!

psynirvana - u put the same provocative BS in the heroin/opioids thread about how u want to try H
these threads r for ppl who want help with their drug problems/to vent about how drugs r affecting their life not to fantasize about how they want to try the drugs ppl r trying to get off
again ill say ur best off never touching the stuff.....again i know wat ur reply will b
just like heroin, its pretty rare to find occasional users of methamphetamine
i hav a suggestion for u - stick to forums such as other drugs/drug culture
if ur not an addict and u hav this great willpower, why r u posting in TDS?

cface - i hav to say i dont agree that the only way to give up meth is to move
i havnt moved
i still hav friends who use too
theyre just decent friends who dont use around me
no its not recommended but hey, i hav maybe 2 friends who use - and they dont even talk about it round me
theres more than one way of treating an addiction IMO
glad moving worked for u tho - watever works for u is the best way, as long as u dont write off other ppls ways of getting clean
gd luck returning home