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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Message of Hope

^Its not a 'Losing' Battle, just a Battle Fullstop.:)
Good luck Twighlight, dont give up!<3
 
Twilight,I started reading your posts with a sense of dread.I meant you no harm ,I just thought that you were on what they call "A pink cloud".

You were doing very well ,especially moving away.That was brave.You reached out to help others when your own mind was in la-la land.It takes years for an addict's brain to straighten out.

OK,you got high.That is what addicts do.There is NO reason why you can't get more clean time.AA/NA count clean time in a linear way.Like if you mess up all the work you have done is down the drain.Bull,you did the work and it counts.

There are other types of recovery,where you use less often and the time between use gets longer.I was in rehab a few decades ago and they had relapse classes.I was amazed and also felt validated.When people asked me why I relapsed my answer was either I killed myself,went crazy or got high.People would always tell me that I was being melodramatic.

The books were by Gorski and Miller.They laid out the steps to relapse and what I had been telling people was true.With those three options,using was the sanest thing to do.

Just try again and do your best.If you screw up,get up,dust yourself off and try again.You went to meetings,remember how they say an addict clean one day is a miracle?It damn well is,a major miracle.
 
Thanks, man. Very uplifting things you say. But I haven't been just "relapsing" or using occasionally. My addiction has returned with a beast-like fortitude. I can't stop myself and I have done some truly retarded shit lately, even by my own standards. Makes all the program work I put in look entirely useless. No joke. I see where you are coming from with the 3 options you were talking about, but my getting high has nearly resulted in my going crazy or ending up dead several times recently. I'm scaring myself and honestly, it feels like I'm already dead, and just reading through my life's journals. I hate the feeling.
 
I understand about being out of control.Addiction has enslaved me for decades.When I am full blown,I can't stop myself.The only way for me to get any help is to go inpatient.Rehabs and detoxes are hard to get into these days.I think the best thing to do is to go to a hospital and tell them that you are going to kill yourself.Then they have to admit you and while you are in the psych ward,they detox you.Addiction distorts any kind of rational thought.You need to be inpatient,to get any kind of help.After when you are cleaned up a bit then maybe you can try meetings again.Please don't feel like a failure.Addiction kills and it is sneaky as hell.Don't forget about Suboxone or Methadone,maybe you are not ready to quit and one of those could save your life.
 
I love reassuring posts like this... seems as they help with my current addiction. If someone else can leave the clutches of a drug i guess i can... speed is a bitch. May be not the most addictive out there but without it it feels like ijust want to end it...
 
Buprenorphine or Methadone wouldn't help me. I am addicted to barbiturates, benzodiazepines, & GABA analogs like Gabapentin & Pregabalin. But I have fibromyalgia (with trigeminal neuralgia), seizures, and horrible anxiety.l Even before the drugs. I don't want to quit, though. I'm sorry, guys, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you on this forum. I'm high on barbiturates, gabapentin, and mary jane. I can't stop. I don't even want to because these are the only meds that work for my particular disorders. Especially the neuralgias.

I love you guys. I mean that.
 
Well...I'm back in a halfway house. My brother is safe and well. Back in the 12-step program. Sober 5 or 6 days now. I almost lost my brother last Thursday from a massive OD, then I ended up in the same boat. I'm a sick motherfucker trying to be happy. Hopefully, soon I'll be back helping people at rehabs and doing H & I's and shit. There is hope. There must be. Life is a trip.
 
One Love, dude, One Love. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down I make music up in my head with the different noises that are around me, it's very calming and relaxing. Just my 2cents.
 
Well, I'm back. I've been sober for 2 months tomorrow. I don't know how I did it. I really don't think I did, I think it's God. I can't go 2 hours much less 2 months without some other force behind me.

In a 4 month period from September to early January I was arrested 5 times, caught 12 charges, spent about 6 weeks total in jail, 2 weeks in a psych ward, and woke up in a hospital from near-fatal ODs 4 or 5 times.

God must want me here. I sure as fuck didn't.

Now I'm back to my old self...sort of. This has been the hardest battle of my life. I finally decided to admit that I have some serious mental problems, and I'm on some meds for it now.

There really IS hope. It's a bitch, but I swear this can be done. I don't have a crystal ball. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so I just deal with today - every day.

If anyone needs to talk, or needs encouragement or anything, just send me a message. I'll give you my phone number, if you want to talk. My life needs to be about helping others. I think God saved me to be able to help others. I'm not a bible thumper, and I'm not a big book thumper, either. I just want to share my experience, and some hope with anyone who wants or needs it.

I love all of you. I hope that someone will read this and see that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim it may seem.
 
Um...I don't know how I did it. I gave up. I gave up trying. I decided that I didn't just NEED to be sober...I had to WANT to be sober. I was homeless and strung out and wanted to die...but I also wanted to be sober.

I reached a point where I faced myself and realized that I could either get sober or die. Either would have been a welcome improvement. So I just gave up. I had used weed to get off of the hard shit, then I wanted to quit weed. My boss let me back to my job. One day my dealer called and asked if I wanted some Xanax. I said I didn't want shit but it stuck in my head. I had gotten paid that day, and the hard drugs were a few weeks out of my system, but I was smoking bud like a fiend. I do everything like a fiend - because that's what I am. Anyhow, I fought the urge to get the bars for like 9 hours. Then I called him up. He said he was going to get me some bars. I called my friend and decided to get 2 grams of high-grade bud. I went to my doctor and got a script for Fioricet (one of my favorite drugs).
I was on a mission. I hated myself and I couldn't stop. I hoofed it to the hood to get the bars and when I got there, upon reflection, this is where God came in. He didn't have bars, he's not a pill user. He had a bunch of Norco 10s. I told him that's not what I wanted. I could have stopped there: this was God giving me a chance to turn back...and I said fuck it. I asked him to go get me Xanax and he said he would. I met him after I hoofed it back to the pharmacy to get my Fioricet. He met me at the pharmacy and I bought 5 bars. I then met my dude and got 2 grams of dro. I took 4 Fioricet and 1 bar over the course of like 2 hours. This is where I blacked out.
I woke up in jail in the detox tank about a day and a half later and I don't know what I did during that time other than what some people told me. I caught a PI, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of dangerous drugs. I have a lawyer now and I don't know what's going to happen.

All of this happened 3 days after I was put on probation for my 3rd possession of marijuana. I hadn't even met/seen my probation officer yet. I lost it. I lost all control. I can't believe what happened - but I can. I'm just sick like that.

When I got out of jail, I told the guys I was living with what happened. I called my PO and told her what happened. I went to the judge and told him what happened. I came clean with everyone and decided I couldn't take it anymore.

I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to lead a decent life and be of some help to others who are in the shoes I have been. My little brother couldn't give up, and I stayed away from him and barely talked to him for a month, then one day he called me and told me he wanted help. Now he's coming on a month clean. It's amazing. We are both doing well.

I live in a normal house in a normal neighborhood. It's considered a sober house because everyone here is in recovery. But it's not a halfway house. We don't have rules and stupid shit. It's just a house that a few of us live in and just chill and stay sober and help each other. It's crazy. Life really can be good. I'm on medication for several different issues I needed to deal with. And I'm so much better now.

I still have alot of dark days. Depression still soars over me like a cloud of doom. But every day I work on this shit and do everything I can to get better. Just stay clean today. Just work on me today. Just don't get high. Things will eventually get easier. I just do what I can to help others and get my shit straight. I've got a bad-ass sponsor who I didn't even know at all when I met him and now we are friends, but he has NO problem calling me out on my bullshit when I fuck up...which is awesome an exactly what I need.

I don't know what's going to happen with my legal situation. I may end up in jail again over this. If I do, then I just have to accept the consequences of my actions. If not I'll just keep doing this. Being on probation is NOT why I'm clean - my revocation proves that. Shit, proation never stopped me from getting fucked up before! If I make it through it without going to jail that'll just be a bonus, basically.

Peace & Love to all who hurt. Faith & Hope to all that try.

Love you guys. Talk to you soon.
 
I have most certainly come a long way. But it's not me. I can understand that now. I can't do this on my own anymore. Just gotta keep faith. I'm by no means a bible thumper, but I do have a favorite verse that helps me through this:

Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.

Now that's poetry.
 
Thank you, man. It means alot to me to get support from anyone. This is a fight to the death for me, in every literal sense. I really don't want to get high anymore, and I was probably one of the craziest junkies on this forum for quite some time. I feel blessed in every way possible, and life is just a journey, I guess. I don't really get it; I can't say in all honesty that I understand shit. I just want to help others who really want this, and are at the point where either becoming sober or dying would be a welcome improvement. I don't know where the drive, or the faith, comes from. Something more than I.

I tend to have a special place in my heart for the worst of the worst. I've been there. I've been staring death in the face for years. I just want to extend a hand, and a little bit of hope to anyone who really needs it. This can be done, I'm living proof; but I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone else. I'm not. We are all the same, and every life is precious and valuable, to ourselves and to others who love us but may have had to distance themselves to keep from seeing the pain and the downfall of drug addiction. Like I've said before, I'd love to talk to anyone who wants to.

All of my love and my heart to all.
 
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