MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[ScaredFirstTimer]

I wish it was the case for me that it was only anxiety - all of the mental symptoms have passed a while ago. But I still have physical symptoms,

For most of us it isn't only anxiety. And even if the psychological anxiety really is your only perceivable symptom, what is the culprit of that anxiety? Why are months and months passing with altered thought patterns, altered emotional responses, extreme anxiety etc? What does "it's all anxiety" even mean?

 

[imabicycle]

few short questions. Are there a lot of people who temporarily had to quit their school? Did this help you? Do a lot of people have good experience with going abroad for a month? Also I find I often have major setbacks without an obvious reason. Is this common?

 

[coderbrah]

few short questions. Are there a lot of people who temporarily had to quit their school? Did this help you? Do a lot of people have good experience with going abroad for a month? Also I find I often have major setbacks without an obvious reason. Is this common?

I had to drop my parternship in a tech startup I was in. Currently I'm an employed engineer working from home. It definitely sucked because I'm missing out on some big time cash and travel opportunities but my condition was so bad that I just had to leave the stress of being founder behind.

I'm also not sure it's 100% anxiety. My theory is still a disrupted serotonergic system that went on for so long that the entire nervous system was disregulated. This is why people say that eating/exercise/living your life normally/rest/meditate/stop checking symptoms will help because it reinforces a positive feedback loop. It's a bit like how people with chronic fatigue syndrome are being treated with benzos in order to quiet the nervous system to promote healing and repair. (Which as I'm typing this sounds an awful lot like anxiety being the main culprit. Still what I'm trying to say is that initially the serotonergic system was damaged/altered/whatever word you want to use and that the suffering is prolonged by anxiety (whether its caused by the serotonergic abuse or is us worrying about the abuse, chicken or the egg) )

In b4 "stop trying to find a cause", I just enjoy speculating and find great interest in these things

 

[coderbrah]

Also for anyone interested: I tried my first benzo last night (clonazepam, called Klonopin in the US, Rivotril where I live), tiny dose of 0.25mg and it definitely provided a much needed break. I felt relaxed, my sensory overload was brought down and today even the dissasociation is a bit lifted (I can feel my body better and I feel a bit "here" and things feel a tiny bit more real).

I can definitely see the abuse potential though so I'm going to limit my use (I awared my mother and she's keeping an eye on me).

To tell you the truth I'm kind of glad I opened myself up to psychiatric medication, I feel some hope for the first time in months. I'm going to up my dosage of Lexapro to 10mg today as well.

 

[me2point0]

Just red jib post and I couldnt agree more. Im going to stop writing and reading this website like I have done for the past week.

I feel like im almost out of the woods. Brain pressure and fog is gone and so are the headache. I feel se good omg ahahahah its amazing. IM NOT DIZZY ANYMORE I SWEAR!!!!!!

I went to see TJR in montreal with paris blohm and didnt do any drugs. I dropped 40mg vyvanse and had an amazing trip jumping in the crowd and whatnot!

I really feel the need to say again that theres no real brain damage for those in anxiety exclusive ltc, and things get better, overnight even.

IM GOING TO VELD BABY!


Have a nice summer people!

 

[Ifeel4U]

What does LTC mean?

 

[ro4eva]

few short questions. Are there a lot of people who temporarily had to quit their school? Did this help you? Do a lot of people have good experience with going abroad for a month? Also I find I often have major setbacks without an obvious reason. Is this common?

When I got sick from my bad roll, I had to stop working for around 6 months in order to concentrate on my recovery.

Work and school can be very stressful places, and stress can exert a huge toll on somebody's long term health, particularly if the person is experiencing mental issues.

Had I not decided to take a break, I'm positive that I would not have recovered.

During this time that I was away from work, I tried to leave for a week to stay with some relatives in another country, where it's more relaxed and not as fast-paced as your typical urban environments in westernized nations.

Anyways, I did not have a good time. I was extremely home sick. And I actually ended up leaving after only 3 days.

The biggest problems were that I felt that my illness was ruining my relatives' days. Also, I didn't feel very safe and secure, and one big reason for that was because if for some reason I had to go to the ER over there, I didn't have insurance.

With respect to setbacks, if you could provide an example, it would help me to better answer your question regarding that - sorry.

In any case, as we are very complex organisms, one man's dysphoria while being thousands of kilometers from home, may be another man's euphoria.

Best wishes friend

 

[imabicycle]

by set back I mean that the extreme fatigue and brainfog had lifted, anxiety hadnt but I was way less obsessive so I guess anxiety was better too. In the course of three days extreme panic and fatigue hit me for no apparent reason im constantly nauseous and every muscle in my body hurts again. I was definetely on the way up, but now back where I was when it all was at its worst (4 months in). This hit me really hard cause it kinda shattered all my hopes. You familiar with such a setback?

 

[Dawglaw]

So I just finished moving into my new place and I was going through a drawer in my desk when I found the bag of drugs that triggered my LTC. I don't know why I kept it for 3 years but I did.

I decided to test it to see what I actually took. The Marquis turned black immediately. MDMA triggered 9 moths of hellish anxiety. I am quite surprised to be honest especially since I have have rolled many times since recovering with zero problems.

My guess at what happened: I had a huge weekend of blow drinking and mdma including multiple days in a row and tons of redosing with minimal sleep. That is a recipe to feel like absolute shit for several days afterwords. The overall stress on my brain from partying plus the lack of serotonin / aggravated receptors triggered acute anxiety and dp/dr.

When that did not dissipate a few days later I went online and read horror stories (mind you there were no LTC recovery stories on BL at this time, only "I've triggered DP/DR, it's lasted for 6 months, I believe I've damaged my brain and I'm suicidal" with no more posts). The enormous stress my brain was under plus the lack of serotonin plus some possible minor damage to my serotonin receptors plus the new belief that my symptoms were permanent sent me into an absolute mental breakdown that took many months to overcome.

Crazy shit.

 

[imabicycle]

how do you explain delayed onsets in this model?

 

[India111]

Dawglaw that's very interesting, about the test turning black. It's also very relieving for people such as myself, as we're of course assuming that because we had a bad reaction we must have ingested some shitty research chemical that will screw us up forever

 

[Dawglaw]

Imabicycle - I think the drugs trigger a chemical imbalance and are a major stressor on the brain. The tipping point does not necessarily have to be the traumatic event, it can be a minor stress later on that finally causes the brain to snap and go into safety mode.

It is my lay opinion that a LTC is similar to PTSD. My brother was a corpsman and served a year in Afghanistan. He got hit by an IED and held one of his best friends as they died. He was doing well mentally until we were at a fireworks show six months after he got backand the explosions freaked him out and triggered the ptsd.

India - I know. For several months of my LTC I thought I was fucked because I took some shot RC that actually damages the brain. However, in hindsight 300mg of REAL mdma will simply not cause brain damage. Can I temporary trigger a chemical imbalance? Sure, that was likely a factor in my LTC.

But the thing everyone needs to remember is there are many people who absolutely abuse mdma and suffer nothing close to a LTC. I think that our psychological makeup makes us predisposed to drug induced stress.

 

[ro4eva]

by set back I mean that the extreme fatigue and brainfog had lifted, anxiety hadnt but I was way less obsessive so I guess anxiety was better too. In the course of three days extreme panic and fatigue hit me for no apparent reason im constantly nauseous and every muscle in my body hurts again. I was definetely on the way up, but now back where I was when it all was at its worst (4 months in). This hit me really hard cause it kinda shattered all my hopes. You familiar with such a setback?

Yes I am.

I've had several setbacks ever since my date with a shittyass fate. Thankfully, they didn't last very long (about a week).

Do you think your symptoms may be related to something along the lines of fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome? Perhaps something which was exacerbated by your bad roll/LTC?

 

[JackVonRipped]

After reading the post about the hypothesized research chem actually being MDMA I have some food for thought:

When I was 14 or 15, I got drunk and was still pretty inexperienced. I ended up going to a park in the middle of the night and taking 4 bong rips, and this was only the second time I had smoked. Anyways, I freaked out that night and was convinced it was laced. I was confused, seeing mildish hallucinations. At one point I was riding in a car coming in and out of consciousness, when I would "wake up" I would be in the middle of yelling at someone and have no idea what I was doing or saying.

Anyways, I ended up having the worst sleep of my life, so nervous about what I had ingested. The entire next day I was having panic attacks, at one point a horse race came on the TV, my heart started racing so fast I had to turn it off. Couldnt sleep, my brain was in a fog, I couldnt talk to my parents, it was terrible. The next day I still felt jittery. I talked to my friend later that day and he let me know that it definitely wasnt laced, everyone was fine that night I just freaked out.

I searched online after talking to him, and found out that smoking weed cannot permanently damage your brain like I felt it had, and the next day I woke up feeling 100%.

My point being - Your body can have extreme reactions, panic attacks, brain fog etc, etc, etc - all as a result of constantly worrying, being stressed etc. If you wake up expecting to feel like garbage, your probably suddenly not going to feel on top of the world.

As a side note - Ive taken molly well over 20 times in my life - and as much as ~1 gram in a day - average of about 5 points for a rave. My most recent time was 7 months ago, I smoked a joint half way through the night and had a major freakout - totally dissociated - hallucinated - lights too much to handle, decided I was done with it for good after that.

I never worried about long term damage, and while I may have had a down day here and there, I felt and still feel normal. If I was on here reading horror stories, I know I would have worried, stressed, and noticed symptoms that may or may not be as real, or may be real but be a side effect of constant worry/stress.

If when I was 14, I went online and read that weed can possibly cause long term brain damage, I very well may have had panic attacks and brain fog for months.

Most research on MDMA points (no pun intended) to long term recovery from even moderately heavy usage. I would encourage you all to base your concerns less on hearsay and try to do as much research asyou can on NIH or other credible medical sources. That being said, I haven't read every page of this thread, so I am not sure what has been said in here and certainly don't want to offend anyone.

 

[imabicycle]

As in you still have these ro4eva or you had them during your ltc. Way more intense than fibromalgia but might be related I guess.

 

[MyStory]

It really sucks that I'm on month 11 starting July... My symptoms were delayed onset and I've been desperately searching for answers. Just don't feel like myself as I did a year ago.

 

[imabicycle]

MyStory, are you exercising every day? Have you taken some time off? Did you have maybe some anxiety disorder before this all started? Both ro4eva and dagwlaw have had very long comedowns. They still recovered completely. So keep ur chin up my friend. What are you still suffering from?

 

[coderbrah]

After reading the post about the hypothesized research chem actually being MDMA I have some food for thought:

When I was 14 or 15, I got drunk and was still pretty inexperienced. I ended up going to a park in the middle of the night and taking 4 bong rips, and this was only the second time I had smoked. Anyways, I freaked out that night and was convinced it was laced. I was confused, seeing mildish hallucinations. At one point I was riding in a car coming in and out of consciousness, when I would "wake up" I would be in the middle of yelling at someone and have no idea what I was doing or saying.

Anyways, I ended up having the worst sleep of my life, so nervous about what I had ingested. The entire next day I was having panic attacks, at one point a horse race came on the TV, my heart started racing so fast I had to turn it off. Couldnt sleep, my brain was in a fog, I couldnt talk to my parents, it was terrible. The next day I still felt jittery. I talked to my friend later that day and he let me know that it definitely wasnt laced, everyone was fine that night I just freaked out.

I searched online after talking to him, and found out that smoking weed cannot permanently damage your brain like I felt it had, and the next day I woke up feeling 100%.

My point being - Your body can have extreme reactions, panic attacks, brain fog etc, etc, etc - all as a result of constantly worrying, being stressed etc. If you wake up expecting to feel like garbage, your probably suddenly not going to feel on top of the world.

As a side note - Ive taken molly well over 20 times in my life - and as much as ~1 gram in a day - average of about 5 points for a rave. My most recent time was 7 months ago, I smoked a joint half way through the night and had a major freakout - totally dissociated - hallucinated - lights too much to handle, decided I was done with it for good after that.

I never worried about long term damage, and while I may have had a down day here and there, I felt and still feel normal. If I was on here reading horror stories, I know I would have worried, stressed, and noticed symptoms that may or may not be as real, or may be real but be a side effect of constant worry/stress.

If when I was 14, I went online and read that weed can possibly cause long term brain damage, I very well may have had panic attacks and brain fog for months.

Most research on MDMA points (no pun intended) to long term recovery from even moderately heavy usage. I would encourage you all to base your concerns less on hearsay and try to do as much research asyou can on NIH or other credible medical sources. That being said, I haven't read every page of this thread, so I am not sure what has been said in here and certainly don't want to offend anyone.

Hey man, I understand your point of view and if I were a regular drug user I would also understand how we all look like a bunch of anxious people turning little things into huge symptoms. But I can tell you that our LTCs (the term we use for our condition - Long Term Comedown) are very real. Most of us don't believe we have actual brain damage, but our condition is still very real.

I have lived through and survived a pretty severe panic disorder just three years ago (the first month of this disorder I had 7 panic attacks a day whilest also having a flu), I know what panic does to my body - this is definitely not it. In fact in the first weeks I actually believed that my symptoms would go away in a few weeks, that I just had a prolonged suicide tuesday.

The bottom line is that to the average X user it may not sound as bad/real as it actually is. It's a bit like saying "yeah I get sad from time to time but I just suck it up and move on" to someone struggling with major depression. It took me two weeks to be able to even get out of bed because of fatigue, couldn't watch TV for 3 weeks because the light was too bright, two months in I was still walking with earplugs to the store because loud noises actually literally hurt me. Not even talking about the intense DPDR, random crying spells, memory loss, constipation etc.

I don't mean to sound like I'm on a rant because as I said I totally understand how this might look to the average X user. But I think people stumbling on this thread might get a bit more insight by reading this.

 

[coderbrah]

It really sucks that I'm on month 11 starting July... My symptoms were delayed onset and I've been desperately searching for answers. Just don't feel like myself as I did a year ago.

Hey man what symptoms do you have and what do you mean by delayed onset?

 

[ro4eva]

It really sucks that I'm on month 11 starting July... My symptoms were delayed onset and I've been desperately searching for answers. Just don't feel like myself as I did a year ago.

Hang in there friend

I know that's much easier said than done, but unfortunately, most people find it takes varying lengths of time to recover from a bad roll and/or long term comedown.

There was one guy who finally managed to recover after 3 years, while in my case, it was a little more than half of that - roughly 19 months.

There is no shame in seeking psychiatric help for such chronic suffering. Without it, my symptoms would not have improved. That, I am sure of.

I used to be a huge advocate for herbal supplements, however, it has been discovered over a 10 year period that as much as 40% of all such supplements sold in stores across North America are either adulterated with substances not listed on the bottle, or, they are completely bunk (do not contain the listen ingredients at all). As an example, it was discovered that a certain brand of Valerian in capsule form actually contained a very high dosage of the benzodiazepine known as diazepam. As a result, the consumer may end up with a severe physical dependency to GABA-A modulators. Furthermore, mixing such a drug (a CNS depressant) with the likes of another - such as alcohol - may be fatal.

For a long time, I was a huge skeptic of psychology and cognitive behavioral therapy. After getting a chance to have a few sessions covered by insurance, I now realize that I was wrong to not reserve judgement.

My point for telling you all this (should you be reading it), is that, in some cases, attempting to live a healthy lifestyle through diet, exercise, adequate rest, avoiding avoidable stressful situations, and so forth unfortunately won't cut it. Therefore, if you haven't already tried to see if certain meds may help, or whether alternative medicine may be effective, perhaps it could benefit you, as it did me, and some other BLers (but not everyone).

Forgive me please if you've already noted on BL that you've been there, done that, and I missed it.

In any case, I sincerely wish you the best