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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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Exercise - yes, lot's of it, as well as dieting.

Yoga/meditation - no. I tried meditation for a bit but gave up, but am looking to start up again.



I'm still on Xanax because as a child I experienced a lot of things over a period of about a decade which traumatized me, and as a result I have flashbacks which leads to panic attacks and insomnia. It was a problem long before my LTC.

It's the reason why I started using ecstasy in the first place.

Furthermore, I've spent up to 8 weeks off of Xanax (or any drugs) on more than one occasion, and my LTC symptoms did not return at all. And the only reason why I went back on again was because of intrusive thoughts and very vivid flashbacks related to when I was a child, which manifested themselves into severe panic attacks and insomnia.

Also, I found out about Xanax's effectiveness for both my LTC symptoms + PTSD-related issues from childhood by pure coincidence.

I'd rather not go into details of what I had to deal with growing up, but it piled on a lot of emotional baggage which will take a lot of time and effort to get rid of.



About 15 years of counseling, guidance, exercise (both cardio and strength training), breathing exercises, and healthy dieting.

About 10 years of supplementing with vitamins (mainly A, C, D, E, B-Complex), minerals (mainly magnesium, calcium, iron, zinc), fish oil, ALA, CoE-Q10.

Roughly a decade of on and off supplementing with 5-HTP, valerian, GABA, chamomile, peppermint, etc.

Approximately 5 years of CBT, Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response Stimulus, Mindfulness, and sessions with a psychologist.

I've also tried hypnosis, spent a couple of month in a rehab center, prayed, and many more things I cannot remember at the moment.



Have you tried going the med route for your LTC? I believe I asked you in the past, but I forgot (short term memory issues).

I waited about 8 months after I got sick from a (what turned out to be a dirty) ecstasy pill, and in that 8 months I did not touch any medications. All I did was exercise (mostly cardio), healthy dieting, breathing exercises, counseling/guidance sessions, and supplementing with vitamins and minerals. All I experienced was temporary improvements in symptoms - nothing long term at all.

Also, during that time, I went and got tested for everything I could think of, and everything came back negative.

So I got really frustrated and desperate, and decided to try medications along with what I was already doing, and thank God it ended up working, because if not I probably would have killed myself.

The results weren't overnight (and I was scared shitless about side effects) - I had to do a trial and error approach, and felt even more sick than before with respect to the SSRI I went on long term (Zoloft), but it worked in the long run.

I'm not gonna argue that SSRIs are completely safe, because they are not. No drug is without risks. And like I said, going on it will - at first - make you feel even worse than before. That's the unfortunate catch which turns so many people off of them. Edit - There's also the issue with possible sexual dysfunction (which thankfully did not affect me), and withdrawal symptoms when stopping (which I was able to ride out - much easier than the LTC).

Even though I feel they helped me, I still don't like SSRIs after all this time. If however you can survive the first few weeks, it will get better.

I had 20 symptoms which affected me severely during my illness. Only a healthy, physically active, stress free, street drug free lifestyle + three Rx medications (Zoloft + Xanax followed by Wellbutrin XL + Xanax) was able to lift me out of the hole I was in, and do away with all those symptoms.

That's not a guarantee that it will work for someone else, but it's at least worth mentioning as an option if anyone's desperate to try it.

Thanks dude. I have been given an antipsychotic once for about 2 months. And it messed with me hardcore. Could be why I still shitty as it prolonged recovery. I don't know. I wish there was a better answer on meds. Some times I feel like meds are what's needed to make my brain tick back to normal. Other times I just think I need to wait it out. Why 17 months now and still having DP is really scary and quite discouraging. Though I'm living a pretty much normal and fulfilling life on the outside (a friend told me in killing it at life lately) o the inside it's still like swimming though mud. I have not been sleeping the best and I think I'm gonna focus on that over the net month. Get to bed by like 9 every night and make sure I get 8 hours of sleep. That's 1 place I've fallen very short this whole recovery is making sure I get good Sleep. Its all I can do more really. That and I'm starting parkour soon. So just another physical activity to add to my life. Well see how next year goes.
 
Please helpanyone! Important! Health related emergency!

Hi, my name is Mike and im 19 years old. a little about my past drug use is ive been smoking pot regularly (4-5 times a week) since i was 17 and definitely knowledgeable about it and an enthusiast. im very passionate about it, its my one love. since 18 i experienced with mdma for over a year and a half no problems and spaced out my rolls maybe a couple times a month sometimes months apart, once a week sometimes nevermorethan 3 times in a month, just did it for special occasions so it depended but never over did it too much. always fun no problems.

SO HERES THE INCIDENT.

about 3 months ago i was going to a two day music festival and me and my friends bought some "mdma" for the festival so far so good until we get there and pop off in the bathroom and wait around the festival chillin till it kicks in. turns out this stuff IS NOT MDMA, MOLLY ECSTASY W/E U WANNA CALL IT AT ALLLL. to this day idk what it was thats why i put quotes earlier but i think it was just some of the dirtiest bathroom chemicals mixed up with a little something else to cause an altered state n thats it. the roll if we wanna even call it that just made our pupils dilate, alter us where we werent sober but DEFINATELY not euphoric and enjoyable. just a really dirty wired feeling and when i say profuse sweating.... i mean not a single dry spot on my tee shirt or shorts. it was disgusting never sweated so much in my life even actually rolling in the clubs jumping around was less. so madly dissapointed as the type of person i am wasting a bunch of money, i tried to make the best of it and tried turning up with it since in my mind at the time being SO stupid was this was atleast better than being dead sober i guessed so i proceeded thru the night probably taking a gram throughout the night.

as people who have xp with mdma know, smoking weed during ur roll or when ur coming down (atleast with me, all my friends n people i know agree) keeps you rolling and wired n feeling it. so of course since i loveeee weed, after the festival we go to the hotel and smoke a ton more (im sweating in the hotel room after big rips cuz im still fucked up wired.) so everyone decides to finally get some rest cuz we have day two of the festival in the morning,I DONT SLEEP LITERALLY 1 second thru the night just laying there tingling from w/e drug n weed combo eyes closed from like 3AM to 9am. BEING RETARDED, instead of letting it get thru my system i cant turn down a smoke sesh and everyone wakes n bakes n of course i join in n feel wired sweating thru day two! till finally mid day we hadnt smoked since the morning b4 we left n i grab some beers n finally feel better. n calm down.

SO HERES MY PROBLEM.

ever since that night, EVERYTIME i smoke weed i dont get a normal weed high, it literally dilates my pupils and i have a nasty wired tingling opiate like feeling with twitches and tremors very similar but not sweaty etc as that night and have fell out (passed out) 5 of the 8 times ive smoked since then.and i have neverrr passed out before, even dab after dab after dab im talking a couple hits feeling this n i have to stop its so uncomfortable. n im not an amatuer, dont say ur "too high" or im trippin something like that i smoked nearly everyday for two years and 100 percent into the cannabis culture im experienced n know what high is like and its NOT a high.

other symptoms: depersonalization i think i have, low libido, no feel good during orgasm or even drinking, anxiety and depression which ive NEVER had before im the happiest guy (used to) so its crazy.

BTW IM REALLY SORRY THIS IS SO LONG,i just tried to give detail to help you help me. ask me any questions. most updated info of me i had to unenroll in my college courses this semester till this is figured out and treated, have neurologist appointment monday sep. 8th, 4 weeks sober from weed 2 weeks from alcohol and scared im gonna be like this forever. been taking vitamins exercising etc that u can think of to get better faster. weed has been my one drug n love and looking forward to smoking throughout my lifetime with my friends girlfriends etc and its different if i just had to take a break but it scares me that i cant PHYSICALLY get high, even if i wanted to cause my body wont n scared i will never be able to. my only theory is that i really badly damaged my seretonin n dopamine recepetors or something n continually smoking is not letting them heal properly n releasing them when there is hardly any there. i figure months of soberness and key vitamins and exercise will get me right and normal and hopefully be able to go back to my life.

PLEASE AND THANK YOU FOR A REPLY
 
I don't think that just having DP and anhedonia would really warrant med use as your living an otherwise healthy life and after all you've conquered already. Maybe all you need is still more time. There's definitely a benefit/risk factor to consider. For me personally without meds I had absolutely no life and lay on the couch all day scared by every noise and every trigger, massive reactive hypoglycemia and crying spells as well as intolerability of music. So if a med could cure my pain I was willing to go through side effects and a conplete zap of my libido as well as any withdrawals down the road. But aside from your struggels it looks like the rest of your life is pretty much handled. The loss of libido or some other type of adverse sexual effect is very real and can feel very frustrating when youre intimate as well as the med upstart period So I'd suggest you give it more time.

I could boil it down to this:
If your current condition is only dragging you into a downward spiral, definitely talk to your psych about meds. If your symptoms suck but don't get in the way of a productive life meds might do more harm than good.
 
I'd say if you go the AD rout to take it for a minimum of a month before you give up.

ro4eva, I was considering Wellbutrin because I'm feeling better, but my energy levels on Paxil are pretty low. I'm always yawning. Paxil and this LTC are tiresome. I thought you said once that Wellbutrin gave you more energy? And, did you take it with Zoloft?
 
I have one theory about why I might be taking so long to recover. And it could be due to risperidone I took. This drug is what's called an irreversible antagonist on a serotonin receptor. Meaning it permanently shuts down it's ability to be activated. Since my serotonin networks normal function is at question here. Its possible that a drug that permanently binds and ceases function could be preventing me from restoring a normal serotonin function. This will reverse when the receptor itself gets recycled and renews. But may take a while. Just a thought.
 
Yeah definitely no stimulants, I used to be a chronic weed smoker and loved it but because of mdma, mda and meth use(in pills never straight meth) all i get is anxiety with a resting heart rate of 105 that goes up to 110ish if i feel my pulse. Sucks! from smoking weed like wtf! can a dude just smoke weed and enjoy it!.

I feel that! Man it's a piece of shit, ONE fucking pill and I swear its fucked my thought pattern up! Changed my personality too haha, 2months later I've improved but feel like its staying the same, just wanna get better and toke up and laugh at this memory.

Email if you wanna man
Just pm me.
 
You think the vivid and crazy dreams can be caused by the Agomelatine Im taking? I just cant handle this anymore.
 
I'd say if you go the AD rout to take it for a minimum of a month before you give up.

ro4eva, I was considering Wellbutrin because I'm feeling better, but my energy levels on Paxil are pretty low. I'm always yawning. Paxil and this LTC are tiresome. I thought you said once that Wellbutrin gave you more energy? And, did you take it with Zoloft?

Yes, Zoloft made me drowsy and tired for sure. And it's funny you mention yawning, as I was yawning a lot as well on the Zoloft (felt eerily similar to MDMA yawning).

Before switching to Wellbutrin XL, I complained to my psychiatrist that the Zoloft + Xanax helped a lot, but I had very little energy and slept for like 10 hours each night, so I started taking Wellbutrin XL as well.

Started with 150mg for a week or two, then went up to 300mg.

At the same time, I went down to 50mg of Zoloft (was at 100mg), and eventually off of it completely.

I was on both Zoloft and Wellbutrin XL for about a month. Lots of people seem to like it according to online reviews, but I thought it was too much. Felt too stimulated.

By itself, Wellbutrin XL gave me a big boost in much needed energy, and helped with concentration/focus - and one dose lasts 24+ hours. Makes sense since it's a reuptake inhibitor of dopamine and norepinephrine.
 
You think the vivid and crazy dreams can be caused by the Agomelatine Im taking? I just cant handle this anymore.

I'm 9,5 months in. I've not taken any meds and I have just as crazy dreams now as I had in the first week. For 3 straight months I had the most horrible hellish nightmares every single night. Now I only have nightmares about 50% of the time, but the dreams are extremely vivid and just surreal as fuck. Just absolutely extreme. I have suffered immensely from insomnia during this comedown, but I'm happy to say that my sleep has now improved to the point that I feel more or less refreshed every morning. It's not totally normal yet, but it's good enough for now. Hopefully it will continue to improve and return to normal eventually.

Edit: The worst dreams for me were the repetitive abstract loops. Impossible to explain, but it was like trying to fit a square in a circular hole if you know what I'm saying. Absolutely abstract, and absolute horror at the same time.

In another more "normal" nightmare I remember that I was in a room with a man possessed by the devil. I was on the ground, and he started yelling with an impossible voice. Just a voice that doesn't exist in this world. It kept getting louder, and eventually it got so loud that I turned around and laid on my stomach, with my hands over my ears. I was thinking "if it gets any louder my eyes are gonna pop". For some reason I thoguht that my eyes were gonna explode because of the loud noise. The loudness kept increasing, and I swear that it must have been some sort of auditory hallucination because I woke up on my stomach with my hands on my ears feeling exactly as if I've heard that sound IRL.

I awoke violently, with my heart racing after like 2 hours of sleep. Oh well, no more sleep that night and in the morning I was off to work. This was my life for months... I have no idea now how I made it through with a full time job.
 
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Ok, seems like there is no correlation between my dreams and the med. When Im dreaming I dream stuff like taking pills and going down tubes afterwards or smoking pott an being totally anxious( I know in every dream that Im in a LTC). It feels like the dreams are built out of things, which are making me anxious. When i wake up, I have to process my dreams for the first 2 or 3 hours.
 
I'm not saying that the med has nothing to do with it. When I tried melatonin it worsened my dreams for sure, but I just wanted to pitch in that for some of us these dreams are there independent of med use.
 
Ok, seems like there is no correlation between my dreams and the med. When Im dreaming I dream stuff like taking pills and going down tubes afterwards or smoking pott an being totally anxious( I know in every dream that Im in a LTC). It feels like the dreams are built out of things, which are making me anxious. When i wake up, I have to process my dreams for the first 2 or 3 hours.

Lol same, I dream about recovery and taking X and being DPDRd constantly
 
Im afraid of going to bed and get some sleep cause i know, when i shut my eyes crazy things will happen. Exhausting...
Did anyone got rid of this?

EDIT: I googled a lot about side effects of Valdoxan. Many people complaining about vivid and bad dreams!
 
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I had the most vivid dreams as well during my initial phase. I was on no meds or anything. I don't think it's the meds. It think it's our minds are running crazy wild and even more wild in our sleep. They went away. So don't worry. I kind of miss them actually. Knowing it's nothing bad and they are only dreams. I actually enjoyed them some times. Though some times they would be directly about my comedown and be slightly tormenting. I did my best to not worry about them.
 
Its a melatonergic medicine. Those dreams are definitely not just anxiety. Anyone that has taken melatonin can tell you the crazy dreams they had on it.
 
I don't think that just having DP and anhedonia would really warrant med use as your living an otherwise healthy life and after all you've conquered already. Maybe all you need is still more time. There's definitely a benefit/risk factor to consider. For me personally without meds I had absolutely no life and lay on the couch all day scared by every noise and every trigger, massive reactive hypoglycemia and crying spells as well as intolerability of music. So if a med could cure my pain I was willing to go through side effects and a conplete zap of my libido as well as any withdrawals down the road. But aside from your struggels it looks like the rest of your life is pretty much handled. The loss of libido or some other type of adverse sexual effect is very real and can feel very frustrating when youre intimate as well as the med upstart period So I'd suggest you give it more time.

I could boil it down to this:
If your current condition is only dragging you into a downward spiral, definitely talk to your psych about meds. If your symptoms suck but don't get in the way of a productive life meds might do more harm than good.

will i ever be able to smoke weed again? as bad as it sounds thats really whats making me depressed cause its my passion and love it like i had a whole plan n future with it so its a huge 180 degrees. if u read how i react to it now idk if its gonna be like that forever which is whats depressing, idc how long it takes bein sober to cure me as long as there is hope. and idk why its happening. idk if its cause i fried the receptors that recieve marijuana or its maybe cause my seretonin is fried so it doesnt feel good? i dont understand
 
will i ever be able to smoke weed again?

Yes you will, as soon as you get used to not challenge it. Get of of the trip, complaining about what you cant do and if you will be able to do it again. Thats the key here :)
Give it some time, let your brain rest for a while. Thinking about it makes things only worse.
Accept the anxiety will be your unwanted brother for some time from now. Lessen the stress caused by complaining and thinking and your brain will fix this problem for sure! The pill, or whate ever you took just made your brain vulnerable for this anxiety cycle. The anxiety you experience is stress induced and the more you think about this whole thing, the more you stress your brain. Its a logic circle :) Give it some time bro. Your old me is just waiting to come out again, and stress prevents it from this. Accept that you are in an anxiety cycle and that you will recover for sure(and do things you got used to do). The more you accept this, the faster you will get out of this. How long it lasts is your decision ;)

Have a good one!

Btw.: I just can recommend the book At last life by Paul David for everyone who suffers from this whole anxiety thing. Got it today - very interesting!
 
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