Can anyone relate to any of this? I'm seriously considering a trip to a neurologist just to ease my mind. I'm having real trouble dealing with this. Is this derealization? I feel so claustrophobic all the time and as if my consciousness is reduced, like a line of ketamine used to do to me. But I also feel dumb at the same time.
I can try to have a go at it...
Tpchan85 said:
Intellectually I'm fine but my memory is shot all of a sudden (5 months after LTC started), I forget what I'm saying midsentence, I forget if I took medication or not, I forget what I ate 3 hours after dinner, I forget what I did the night before. I don't feel sharp like I used to.
Intellectually I'm fine as well (at least I think - or I hope), but I too suffer from some serious lapses with respect to my short term memory.
I too forget what I ate 3 hours ago on many occasions, or if I took some medication or not, or if I locked the door on my way out (and the windows), and so forth.
It is absolutely frustrating, especially when someone else is depending on me to remember such things because it adds a layer of pressure, stress, and/or strain (mentally).
My excuse for my short term memory issues is due to the use of Xanax (Alprazolam) for nearly a decade. I'm 100% sure that this is the main culprit because I've carefully considered everything else countless times. And while I do not want to remain on it for the rest of my life, I don't feel I'm ready to stop right now, as there's some personal issues which I (and my doctor) feel warrant further use of it.
I'm not sure if my short term memory will improve after stopping the benzo, but hopefully it will eventually if I maintain a healthy diet and physically active lifestyle.
That bad news for me is that the longer I stay on the Xanax (Alprazolam), the worse my short term memory will become according to several respected sources. Apparently I can minimize this by supplementing with either Gingko or Ginseng, I forget which one exactly. Perhaps either of these herbs may benefit your memory issues as well?
Tpchan85 said:
Also been hit by depression now, real depression, not sadness or crying but a feeling of everything lacking meaning - I look at the town I grew up in and the faces of my relatives and my mind just draws a blank.
When you say that your mind "just draws a blank," do you mean to suggest that your reaction is disturbingly apathetic (emotionless where there once was emotion)?
If so, do you find that you react in this - blank or indifferent - manner to almost everything else which used to make you smile, frown, laugh, cry, etc?
For what it's worth, when I was suffering from my LTC, I was extremely apathetic. Nothing - not even the most terrifying horror film, nor the most outrageous comedy - could get me to react.
And the music I used to listen to for many years beforehand; the music I once loved because it made my hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and the skin on my limbs to manifest its appearance into very large goosebumps - all of that was completely gone.
It was tough to accept because not only did I not enjoy the music anymore, but now I hated it. I would always feel like smashing a window whenever such music would play.
That being said, there is a happy ending: I'm back to my old self, and with the proper treatment, lifestyle, and support, I have no doubt that you can prevail, and that this extremely difficult time in your life will eventually be history.
I know this is easier said than done, but don't worry brother, this is a phase, and there is a happy ending where you get to live your life free of this pain and suffering,
I promise you. And I'm telling you this because I was once where you are now. Believe me, it gets better - much better.
Tpchan85 said:
I feel far away and dissociated like my consciousness is kind of not quite there, this makes me feel horribly claustrophobic, even when I'm outside walking in the countryside I feel like I'm trapped in a cellar. Depersonalization is gone and that helps a lot, I feel like a person again which is one upside.
I know this feeling, it's very, very uncomfortable, unsettling, and frankly difficult to put into words for someone who hasn't experienced it.
I'm sorry, this may be difficult to accept, but you may require medical attention (in the form of Rx meds) in order to recover from this. Now I don't mean a band-aid (temporary/masking) effect, but rather a permanent stop to this feeling altogether.
I say this because it's the only way that I was able to recover, but then again, everyone's different, and you may luck out some other, non-Rx medication way that I don't know of.
Tpchan85 said:
Does anyone associate with any of this? Definitely helps to know other people feel the same.
I believe I do.
I'm no one special (not even close), and I don't have all the answers to life's puzzles and mysteries, but when it comes to MDMA/MDA/MDE/MDEA-related LTCs, I believe that I have a decent understanding of what you're going (or went) through.
In my case, it was easily the most difficult time in my life.
I've broken a lot of bones, chipped and knocked out about half a dozen teeth, had two kidney stones, dislocated my right shoulder, been in three car accidents, and have had surgery multiple times, but none of it compares to a ~19 month LTC. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
Tpchan85 said:
I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place too, I need to go back to college soon but I'm not well enough to do anything except lectures. But I live in a party house and will be around drugged up idiots all the time.
Since your health always comes first, I strongly believe that it's vitally important for you to see if you can:
- take a few months off of school/work in order to minimize pressures/stress, and to concentrate on your recovery
- avoid hanging out and/or around anyone who would tempt you with any mind altering substances (legal or not)
- avoid the recreational use of controlled substances (including anything available by prescription)
- avoid alcohol as it is carcinogenic in any amount, and neurotoxic in large amounts (quantities required to get you drunk)
- avoid tobacco/nicotine products for the same reasons as alcohol
- avoid caffeine if you are experiencing anxiety and/or panic attacks, as it may exacerbate these symptoms
- try to get some daily exercise (cardio-based), as it can help stimulate neurogenesis, and will help you feel better overall due to the ensuing endorphin rush
- in order to keep you from thinking about your illness too much (because it can make things worse), try to keep your mind occupied with something which does not require a lot of physical and/or mental exertion (e.g. a good movie)
Tpchan85 said:
I can't do all the things I want to do at home either, I want to see a therapist, I want to test the stuff that messed me up, I want to try an SSRI - but I can't do any of this with my parents here as I simply can't face fessing up my real mental state or my drug use to either of them right now.
I too did not want to fess up to my family about my drug use, but it was necessary in order to get them to support me in what way they could.
It was difficult for me to spill the beans because they're very anti-drug and also religious, so I definitely was chewed out, but eventually they accepted it, and we moved on.
If your parents truly love you unconditionally, they will accept you no matter what. In other words, telling them about your drug use shouldn't be the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak (if they truly love you).
Besides, I'm sure you had your reasons for deciding to go down this road of recreational drug use. Mine was mainly because I was trying to escape a painful reality; a painful sober state of mind. Not saying I necessarily made the right choice, but what's done is done. And what's important is that I recovered, and that you do what you know is necessary in order to recover also.
It sounds like you know full well that sooner or later they will have to be told. Well, since you're suffering so severely, it would be best to not prolong the agony.
I'm not saying it'll be easy, but again, it must be done. And I'm not suggesting that accepting medical help from a shrink will be easy to swallow (literally), but it may need to be done also if you wish to recover; if you wish to get out of this hellhole of a situation.
Tpchan85 said:
I have no idea what to do anymore, the only respite I get is sleep...
Sleep was also my respite during my LTC, so again, I know what you mean.
I truly wish there was an "Easy Button" to push, but there isn't.
Sorry if my answers weren't what you were hoping for, but I said it like it is, I swear.
What's important to remember is that you'll be doing this in order to recover, so that you may enjoy your life once again.
Friendships may be broken - some of mine were. Shame and/or guilt may envelop you after telling your parents the truth - been there myself. And along the way, some unexpected, totally random incidents or issues may discourage you further, as they did with me.
But if it's gonna help you mend; if it's gonna help you find joy and happiness once again; if it's gonna give you a second chance at a normal life (whatever your normal is)...
is that not something worth fighting for?
You can do this, and we'll be here if you need an extra push in right direction.
So go get your former life back before all this unfortunate shit happened - it's not out of reach.
) the ladies went home.. this is where it starts.. We had acquired some pills from the party host, I didn't know him but my friend trusted him. I took half a pill and sat down waiting for the effects to kick in after around 40 minutes I felt nothing and decided to take the other half, (this was my first ever pill) fucking stupid move. Around 20minutes later I feel a rush of what I can only describe as pure excitement, butterflies if you will.. that lasted for a while, was enjoying myself spaced out on the bed, around 2hours in I felt very hot and decided to step out for some air (we were smoking alot of weed at the same time) The feeling I could only describe as near passing out, I was.Just staring at myself in the reflection of the mirror thinking "shiiiiiit" I phoned for an ambulance and was taken to the ER where I was kept untill late the following afternoon admitted around (6am) was released around 12/1pm. At that point I was fine I walked home from the ER and slept, the following day I met up with my xgf at the time (we're together) and stayed over hers for some comfort the following day I was still fine, that night I was waiting for a bus, and drank a can of monster faster than you can say monster. (Hypothetically speaking) I then got home and bought some weed to relax with, I rolled a J and after about 2tokes I got Sudden feeling in my gut that wouldn't subside, I put it down to needing a dump or being hungry and just went to sleep, the following morning I awoke earlier than usual with the feeling still at full force, I phoned for a non emergency paramedic (111 here in the UK) all vitals normal still took me in to be sure I was given paracetamol that I could have taken at home.. I went to stay at my mum's for a while and all I did was sleep I've had DR/DP, had insomnia which I'm past now I went through a phase of crazy thoughts like why if I'd died and didn't know obviously now I know how ridiculous that is, however fast forward to today 49 days abstinence of everything since the night of rolling a J at home and I struggle with thoughts that I never thought I'd have I wont go into detail but just know they do not resemble me in anyway but I fear them, and although they're getting less an less frequent it won't be long till another one makes itself present, I have headaches every now and then very painful at times, tingling, and a loss for sexual desire although im still able to engage in intercourse, any advice will be greatly appreciate thanks.