• MDMA &
    Empathogenic
    Drugs

    Welcome Guest!

MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)

Status
Not open for further replies.
has helped the drug, I actually scared me to take a drug, I was yesterday with my doctor and he said I should wait until the appointment with the neurologist. It is really getting worse
 
Hey Nambo or to anyone who can answer my question. I don't know if I'm in the same category as you kind of hope not considering I only took 1 e pill. I'm coming on month 5 right now and I was dumb and took some vicoden last week and it set me back a bit but I am noticing some difference in my vision and I cant tell if its a derealization or eyefloaters or my mind playing tricks on me I notice it more in low lighting when I go outside its fine. I think I remember it before I took the vicoden. I think I just hoped on the forum after I took the vicoden because of my set back and now I'm worried my ltc is a forever one because of what randoms say about cloudy vision or blurred vision. I feel like I still have 20/20 vision just altered a bit I cant really explain it just wondering what people are seeing and how bad the blurred vision or what cloudy vision is so I can compare it to mine. Also I'm thinking of hoping on a non addicting ssri due to the fact my dad wants me to start training with him working with fiber optic cables and I already have a full time job managing a warehouse. Just hoping this relieves a bit of anxiety and stress and helps with the derealization so I can focus a bit more any suggestions on which ones or if its even worth it.
 
^Sounds consistent with HPPD, I would check out the Wiki page on it and see if opoids are known to make it worse. I would try to keep track of your visual symptoms and emotional symptoms separately because HPPD is really a visual thing, but if you assume that the visual symptoms and emotional symptoms are intertwined then when your visuals get worse, you will expect your emotional symptoms to get worse, and because of this expectation your emotional symptoms will probably seem worse.
 
Cotcha Yankinov said:
^Sounds consistent with HPPD, I would check out the Wiki page on it and see if opoids are known to make it worse. I would try to keep track of your visual symptoms and emotional symptoms separately because HPPD is really a visual thing, but if you assume that the visual symptoms and emotional symptoms are intertwined then when your visuals get worse, you will expect your emotional symptoms to get worse, and because of this expectation your emotional symptoms will probably seem worse.
Click to expand...


Thanks for the response. Yea I do feel like the visuals and emotional side are separate the only thing that was connecting it was my
anxiety every time I noticed it I would freak my self out a little thinking it was permanent now. When I look at things in certain lighting my eyes bug out a bit. But I am only almost 5 months in and Iv read of people recovering from HPPD so that comforts me now. Just an update on my status I'm somewhat happy I still have jokes and a sense of humor. Monday through Friday I'm in the gym after work I'm able to work a full time job and am thinking of starting training for another trade. The only lingering symptoms as of right now is some in and out derealisation I know I keep spelling it wrong lol, HPPD, head pressure off and on and some anxiety depending on the day. I'm also more tired after I took vicoden about a week ago which definitely made symptoms worse just hope I can be back to where I was at. My advice to everyone right now which is helping me with my confidence and getting better is when your at the gym try to be stronger and faster than you've ever been. My goal right now is to bench 315 and be fitter than iv ever been before. If I can reach that I will know other goals can be reached while this is going on and hopefully by the time I reach it this LTC will be a thing in the past.
 
I'll go tomorrow to a clinic stay there one week. I hope that finally tell me the doctors could what's wrong with me :(
 
This is the story of how I not only I recovered from my "LTC" but also became a better and stronger person. A person who went through the darkests paths of life and returned.


Some of you may remember me. I was a frequent user of the forum for a few months in past times.

For those who do not know, this is what I went through:


I started doing mdma december 2014. The first time I ingested this delicious substance was literally the best day of my life. It was right after a breakup of a 2 years relationship and I found some refuge in that sensation. I Started to take E every three weeks, but when it came fifth time it became clear that the same dosage had no effect anymore.

Well i kept taking it. My count is approximately 26 pills from december to July which is not that much but it fucked my life real bad. The bad part started at July 13. I went to a festival and bought 4 pills to take there. I took the first pill at 9 p.m. but it wasn't kicking in so after an hour I took another one, felt nothing. Looked like it was pretty bad pills so a took two more. I really don't know if those were bad pills or if it just took longer to kick in. Not satisfied, I bought two more pills from two different random guys that i never saw in my life and took then both. It was one of the craziest nights of my life. I remember of me using my phone and suddenly I closed my eyes and it was like I was inside the phone. I could get inside conversations with my mind. I think there was some LSD in some of those pills because I also had some strong hallucinations. I left the festival completely insane driving with some friends, hit a motorcycle and some bikers started chasing us. They shot the window and left. By a miracle no one was hit.

The next day i'm feeling great! lots of serotonin were running in my body. i could talk normally to my parents, everything was fine. Another day goes on and I decided to smoke a joint, so I did, and sat on the couch. Suddenly, my body starts to shake a lot out of nowhere, it was shaking so much, i was loosing it, I began to feel I was floating. It was obviously a panic attack but in my mind I was connecting one thing to another. 6 pills of E, a lot of alcohol, a big trauma all together. Realized that my vision was grainy and I could see a lot of floaters when scaring light. The next week was horrible, I thought I had lost my mind and would never recover. I went into a deep depersonalization and felt better only while sleeping. I overdosed everynight of herbal medicines to sleep. I started to have insomnia. I was wakin up 3-4 times a nightat first and could not sleep again. Spent numerous sleepless nights with extremely high anxiety and terrifying thoughts about going crazy, about never return to normal again, about suicide. I started to wake up 5 to 7 times per night. It became my endless routine, 24 hours a day thinking I lost my mind, thinking that night messed my neuro system.

I started researching everything i could about neuro system damage with ecstasy and i was sure that it happened to me. I was sleeping like 2/3 hours a night, working the whole day like a zombie.

I was having extreme difficulty to concentrate. My memory simply wasn't working. My libido was fucked up. I couldn't get it up even alone. Tought it was a permanent damage caused by ecstasy and it freaked me out so badly. I felt palpitations all day in my head and other parts of the body. I was constantly afraid of having a heart attack. My heart was racing all day, my legs were shaking all day.

I consulted with 5 different psychiatrists, one neurologist and one psychologist. I started taking Xanax 2mg and sulpiride per night and finally got to sleep. All doctors prescribed SSRI me but I refused to take at first. Yet still I had insomnia, and lucid dreams, many lucid dreams. There was a time when, at some moments I could not distinguish reality from a dream. I had earworms all day, non stopping songs playing in my head over and over again.

I was tortured by brain fog and anhedonia. I just couldn't concentrate in living life. I was always inside my own head, not consciously living my life. I was permanently stuck in my mind with never-ending devastating thoughts.

It was the darkest time of my life. I don't wish what I went trough even to the worst person in this world.
I pretended to be ok, fake my facial expression. I could no longer love. I tought i had all kinds of disease: Brain Dammage, Alzheimer, Parkinson, Schizophrenia, Multiple Sclerosis. I bought all kinds of supplements: Ashwagandha, Gingko Biloba, Rhodiola, Melatonin, ZMA, Glutamine, Maca, Tribulus, Pregnenolone, Gaba plus, Magnesium, Omega 3, and these were very expensive shit (I don't take any of these crap today). You can get a sense of my level of despair.

I tried meditating, yoga, eating well, exercising, but none of these things worked. You want to know what really helped? Lexapro. I decided to give this medicine a chance, and it only helped to calm my thoughts, but pratically killed my insomnia, INCREASED my libido contrary to what many say, and made me feel much more relaxed. The negative effects last only a few weeks and after that had absolutely no problem.

But one day things started to get better. I started reading a lot about psychology, about depersonalization disorder, and developed a theory: We all have/had emotional problems, we went trough heavy stuff in life, and took refuge in drugs.
I believe that excess of MDMA and other drugs has actually caused chemical changes in our brain, and that we all possess intrapersonal and emotional intelligence enough to realize that something was wrong, unlike many users who may have gone through the same things without realizing it.

The fact of realizing that your perception of reality has changed is hopeless, it could lead the most intelligent and resilient person to the feeling of total loss of control. This feeling, united to the factors and emotional predispositions generates anxiety. You start to check your vision all the time, because something is wrong, and that's terrifying, you have panic attacks. You start to check your pulse all the time, start to check on your breathing, your body balance, your memory, concentration and you're terrified... In short, you begin to develop a generalized anxiety disorder.

You start searching everywhere for answers, scheduling all kinds of doctors, purchasing all possible supplements. Your family don't understand what is going on, doctors say you have nothing. You feel hopeless. That's the worst thing you can do, but who said we knew this at the beginning? We despaired, we all took our brain to an extreme level of stress.

By stressing so much, by being so concerned about your body and your mind, you focus on yourself and forget there was ever a life. So the first thing I did that made me begin to heal was accept the condition that my body and mind were. You see, MANY, if not all of the symptoms I was feeling were probably much more to be symptoms of anxiety and depersonalization than actual damage caused by ecstasy(today I believe that there was no damage. And if there was, my brain recovered through neuroplasticity). So the first thing is to calm down.

The next step was to work my self-centeredness. In my case, my ego was already huge even before I start using MDMA. I was extremely proud about everything, I would never expose my feelings, I was addicted to influence other persons, I was narcisist, I always wanted people to notice me, I was extremely careful with the impression i gave to others. It was always all about me. This ego led me to create a narcissistic personality, that over the course of my LTC leveraged so much that I just couldn't know how to deal with the world and people.

You're so concentrated and focused on yourself that forgets that you're absolutely nothing in the universe. Realizing that will make you feel that you don't need to be socially anxious when you go to a store because NO, people are NOT looking at you, the world is not about YOU.

I Started to understand things about myself. Started to write about what I was going through. Write about my emotions which actually activate the hippocampus and inhibits the action of amygdala, a relieve to anxiety. I looked for things that made me have fun, even if it were silly things. Video games, watch movies, study. Started reconnecting to the people I love, to value them. In my lucid dreams I had some unexplained experiences, I could connect with my subconscious, talk to him, understand him. I was desperate to understand what happened to me, and then I began to understand.

I built a structure of my ego. I realized what caused me anxiety, why it caused me anxiety. Which circumstances made it worse, to what degree, and how to avoid. But most importantly, i started to act different, to think more about others and think less about me and all of this. I started to enjoy life again, I began to leave the house, walking with my dog, started to enjoy life in its smallest moments, in the smallest things. I started trying to connect with God. I will not go into detail about religion, I have no religion, but I believe there is something that moves us all, and this thing was present in many moments of my life.

I still deal with anxiety today. The trauma will never go away. A few months ago I was feeling so good that I thought, "what if I fall again?". It was enough for that intrusive thought settle in my head and I got sick again. But I got better and today I feel 100% recovered. Not more symptoms, only a reasonable anxiety, not LTC.

I can feel horny, I have sex regularly, I can drink alcohol, I can smoke marijuana without depersonalize (although I don't enjoy it anymore). I don't exercise (It is VERY good to work out, but no, you will not need to work out for the rest of your life to improve), I don't meditate, but I developed a tought that made me start thinking about what is the real meaning of my life. A desire to do something that matters in this world, to leave my mark, to use my life to something bigger, something that influences others. I started studying and I am going to college to study biology and want to work with genetics. I want to cure diseases, help others, want to go to space if possible, seek for a purpose for my life. I do not fear death, I do not fear experiencing difficulties again, I know I can face anything, I can get out of any problem. I also feel that there is something in this universe that works with positive and negative energy. Transmit positivity and you will get it back.

I hope this post will bring hope to those who are still going through all this, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all find peace and happiness.

With all my love, Lucas.
 
Last edited:
Good post Buda202 but in my opinion you are overcomplecating things. In order to successfully recover from a LTC you need time and/or the right meds. Inspection of the mind is not needed at all. Also, you have addressed many points in your post which are very controversial in themselves and require a great deal of discussion yet unfortunately this is not the place for that discussion.
 
Budal202 said:
This is the story of how I not only I recovered from my "LTC" but also became a better and stronger person. A person who went through the darkests paths of life and returned.


Some of you may remember me. I was a frequent user of the forum for a few months in past times.

For those who do not know, this is what I went through:


I started doing mdma december 2014. The first time I ingested this delicious substance was literally the best day of my life. It was right after a breakup of a 2 years relationship and I found some refuge in that sensation. I Started to take E every three weeks, but when it came fifth time it became clear that the same dosage had no effect anymore.

Well i kept taking it. My count is approximately 26 pills from december to July which is not that much but it fucked my life real bad. The bad part started at July 13. I went to a festival and bought 4 pills to take there. I took the first pill at 9 p.m. but it wasn't kicking in so after an hour I took another one, felt nothing. Looked like it was pretty bad pills so a took two more. I really don't know if those were bad pills or if it just took longer to kick in. Not satisfied, I bought two more pills from two different random guys that i never saw in my life and took then both. It was one of the craziest nights of my life. I remember of me using my phone and suddenly I closed my eyes and it was like I was inside the phone. I could get inside conversations with my mind. I think there was some LSD in some of those pills because I also had some strong hallucinations. I left the festival completely insane driving with some friends, hit a motorcycle and some bikers started chasing us. They shot the window and left. By a miracle no one was hit.

The next day i'm feeling great! lots of serotonin were running in my body. i could talk normally to my parents, everything was fine. Another day goes on and I decided to smoke a joint, so I did, and sat on the couch. Suddenly, my body starts to shake a lot out of nowhere, it was shaking so much, i was loosing it, I began to feel I was floating. It was obviously a panic attack but in my mind I was connecting one thing to another. 6 pills of E, a lot of alcohol, a big trauma all together. Realized that my vision was grainy and I could see a lot of floaters when scaring light. The next week was horrible, I thought I had lost my mind and would never recover. I went into a deep depersonalization and felt better only while sleeping. I overdosed everynight of herbal medicines to sleep. I started to have insomnia. I was wakin up 3-4 times a nightat first and could not sleep again. Spent numerous sleepless nights with extremely high anxiety and terrifying thoughts about going crazy, about never return to normal again, about suicide. I started to wake up 5 to 7 times per night. It became my endless routine, 24 hours a day thinking I lost my mind, thinking that night messed my neuro system.

I started researching everything i could about neuro system damage with ecstasy and i was sure that it happened to me. I was sleeping like 2/3 hours a night, working the whole day like a zombie.

I was having extreme difficulty to concentrate. My memory simply wasn't working. My libido was fucked up. I couldn't get it up even alone. Tought it was a permanent damage caused by ecstasy and it freaked me out so badly. I felt palpitations all day in my head and other parts of the body. I was constantly afraid of having a heart attack. My heart was racing all day, my legs were shaking all day.

I consulted with 5 different psychiatrists, one neurologist and one psychologist. I started taking Xanax 2mg and sulpiride per night and finally got to sleep. All doctors prescribed SSRI me but I refused to take at first. Yet still I had insomnia, and lucid dreams, many lucid dreams. There was a time when, at some moments I could not distinguish reality from a dream. I had earworms all day, non stopping songs playing in my head over and over again.

I was tortured by brain fog and anhedonia. I just couldn't concentrate in living life. I was always inside my own head, not consciously living my life. I was permanently stuck in my mind with never-ending devastating thoughts.

It was the darkest time of my life. I don't wish what I went trough even to the worst person in this world.
I pretended to be ok, fake my facial expression. I could no longer love. I tought i had all kinds of disease: Brain Dammage, Alzheimer, Parkinson, Schizophrenia, Multiple Sclerosis. I bought all kinds of supplements: Ashwagandha, Gingko Biloba, Rhodiola, Melatonin, ZMA, Glutamine, Maca, Tribulus, Pregnenolone, Gaba plus, Magnesium, Omega 3, and these were very expensive shit (I don't take any of these crap today). You can get a sense of my level of despair.

I tried meditating, yoga, eating well, exercising, but none of these things worked. You want to know what really helped? Lexapro. I decided to give this medicine a chance, and it only helped to calm my thoughts, but pratically killed my insomnia, INCREASED my libido contrary to what many say, and made me feel much more relaxed. The negative effects last only a few weeks and after that had absolutely no problem.

But one day things started to get better. I started reading a lot about psychology, about depersonalization disorder, and developed a theory: We all have/had emotional problems, we went trough heavy stuff in life, and took refuge in drugs.
I believe that excess of MDMA and other drugs has actually caused chemical changes in our brain, and that we all possess intrapersonal and emotional intelligence enough to realize that something was wrong, unlike many users who may have gone through the same things without realizing it.

The fact of realizing that your perception of reality has changed is hopeless, it could lead the most intelligent and resilient person to the feeling of total loss of control. This feeling, united to the factors and emotional predispositions generates anxiety. You start to check your vision all the time, because something is wrong, and that's terrifying, you have panic attacks. You start to check your pulse all the time, start to check on your breathing, your body balance, your memory, concentration and you're terrified... In short, you begin to develop a generalized anxiety disorder.

You start searching everywhere for answers, scheduling all kinds of doctors, purchasing all possible supplements. Your family don't understand what is going on, doctors say you have nothing. You feel hopeless. That's the worst thing you can do, but who said we knew this at the beginning? We despaired, we all took our brain to an extreme level of stress.

By stressing so much, by being so concerned about your body and your mind, you focus on yourself and forget there was ever a life. So the first thing I did that made me begin to heal was accept the condition that my body and mind were. You see, MANY, if not all of the symptoms I was feeling were probably much more to be symptoms of anxiety and depersonalization than actual damage caused by ecstasy(today I believe that there was no damage. And if there was, my brain recovered through neuroplasticity). So the first thing is to calm down.

The next step was to work my self-centeredness. In my case, my ego was already huge even before I start using MDMA. I was extremely proud about everything, I would never expose my feelings, I was addicted to influence other persons, I was narcisist, I always wanted people to notice me, I was extremely careful with the impression i gave to others. It was always all about me. This ego led me to create a narcissistic personality, that over the course of my LTC leveraged so much that I just couldn't know how to deal with the world and people.

You're so concentrated and focused on yourself that forgets that you're absolutely nothing in the universe. Realizing that will make you feel that you don't need to be socially anxious when you go to a store because NO, people are NOT looking at you, the world is not about YOU.

I Started to understand things about myself. Started to write about what I was going through. Write about my emotions which actually activate the hippocampus and inhibits the action of amygdala, a relieve to anxiety. I looked for things that made me have fun, even if it were silly things. Video games, watch movies, study. Started reconnecting to the people I love, to value them. In my lucid dreams I had some unexplained experiences, I could connect with my subconscious, talk to him, understand him. I was desperate to understand what happened to me, and then I began to understand.

I built a structure of my ego. I realized what caused me anxiety, why it caused me anxiety. Which circumstances made it worse, to what degree, and how to avoid. But most importantly, i started to act different, to think more about others and think less about me and all of this. I started to enjoy life again, I began to leave the house, walking with my dog, started to enjoy life in its smallest moments, in the smallest things. I started trying to connect with God. I will not go into detail about religion, I have no religion, but I believe there is something that moves us all, and this thing was present in many moments of my life.

I still deal with anxiety today. The trauma will never go away. A few months ago I was feeling so good that I thought, "what if I fall again?". It was enough for that intrusive thought settle in my head and I got sick again. But I got better and today I feel 100% recovered. Not more symptoms, only a reasonable anxiety, not LTC.

I can feel horny, I have sex regularly, I can drink alcohol, I can smoke marijuana without depersonalize (although I don't enjoy it anymore). I don't exercise (It is VERY good to work out, but no, you will not need to work out for the rest of your life to improve), I don't meditate, but I developed a tought that made me start thinking about what is the real meaning of my life. A desire to do something that matters in this world, to leave my mark, to use my life to something bigger, something that influences others. I started studying and I am going to college to study biology and want to work with genetics. I want to cure diseases, help others, want to go to space if possible, seek for a purpose for my life. I do not fear death, I do not fear experiencing difficulties again, I know I can face anything, I can get out of any problem. I also feel that there is something in this universe that works with positive and negative energy. Transmit positivity and you will get it back.

I hope this post will bring hope to those who are still going through all this, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all find peace and happiness.

With all my love, Lucas.
Click to expand...


Great post budal! Its really nice to hear a success story! :)

Just a few questions if you dont mind....
What were your visual symptoms? Have any visual snow?
How long were you suffering for in total?
 
martainnn said:
Great post budal! Its really nice to hear a success story! :)

Just a few questions if you dont mind....
What were your visual symptoms? Have any visual snow?
How long were you suffering for in total?
Click to expand...

Yes, visual snow in the first two months, probably due to low serotonin levels, or some affected neuroreceptors, but it definitely improves, don't worry. I also had problems with duplicated and blurred vision, but found that I have astigmatism and myopia.
 
I forgot to mention that today i don't take any more xanax or sulpiride. They are very strong drugs but helped temporarily.
 
Budal202 said:
I forgot to mention that today i don't take any more xanax or sulpiride. They are very strong drugs but helped temporarily.
Click to expand...
have you feel overheated ,sweating then when you look at something and focus on it moves from side to side and have you experience soreness of all the muscles ? btw I identified with you the part of scheduled appointments for all different types doctors but when they just said nothing is wrong even with all this symptoms we experience is just unreal for them to said that honestly.
 
Last edited:
Had a set back today. It makes sense I've been traveling the last two days and only got 6 hours of restless sleep last night. (Something that I wouldn't have blinked an eye at before all this) but anyway I was at a restaurant with my mom and all of the sudden it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I told my mom how I was feeling and she kinda freaked out which naturally only made my anxiety worse. I asked my mom if we could leave and she told the waiter I was having an "episode" and we needed our food to go. Needless to say he looked at me like i was a crazy person. As soon as we got home I started feeling better, but the whole thing sucked. I know I shouldn't complain. There are so many people here who have it way worse than me, but helps to share with people who understand. Thanks for reading.
 
Just thought today that I'm now approaching 6 months, and I am feeling way better.

Following on from what Mikek11 said, I'm inclined to agree that its just time that fixes things up. Mind inspection, supplements and meditation didn't really do anything for me or at least nothing that I noticed. Once I gave up looking for some instant relief and let the course of my LTC just ride itself out, I noticed myself fixating less and less on how was I feeling all the time.

I remember how bad those first few months were, I was constantly on the brink of a panic attack and I'd stay up til 4/5 in the morning because I every time I closed my eyes to sleep I would see vivid images of faces staring at me which would send me straight into a panic attack. Truly awful and I'm amazed I managed to carry on with my degree despite the mental exhaustion that I was suffering.

Without trying to come across as if I'm an all knowing guru when it comes to LTC's I've retained a lot of knowledge since suffering one myself and if anyone else is still suffering or has just found themselves into the unfortunate mess that is a Long Term Comedown, take it from me and the countless other users and past users on bluelight. You just need time. There is no instant relief and its pointless searching endlessly on google for answers, like we all did. Best thing to do is find ways to cope with it in the meantime. I spoke to Cotcha a few times and he recommended meditation. It didn't personally help me but I can understand the benefits for some people by it. For me getting out and doing everything I did before no matter how bad I felt helped. And in the early stages when I couldn't sleep well, having a bedside lamp switched on and having the TV on quiet in the background helped a lot too.

To end on a high note, I just passed my first year of uni with a 2:1, which given everything thats gone I think is a pretty substantial achievement for me. And I'm gearing for a few festivals in the summer, although I will just be sticking to some good ol' beer this time round.

Cheers.
 
giovanni557 said:
true I agree but when u are 2.5 years is just make you feel so stress out to a level that I cannot really describe but u get the idea ,I point this out on the quote time will do the job.The thing is that our body is fighting to get back to nomal that's is why we feel discomfort inside.is the same when we get the flu if you think you are not sick you would feel that you are cure but inside of you. You know you are still sick because you can feel this every where you go or do well this is how I feel maybe your case is different who knows and I do believe the cure is near someone will find it we just have to be little patient but I wish you best men take care.
Click to expand...

Thats possibly to do with the extent of your abuse. Mine was very, very mild (took powdered, untested mdma 7 times in 3 months, the last time I carelessly took a higher dose than previous times) in comparison to some users on here but I've always been a very cerebral person which is why I think mine triggered much sooner than others who use far more too often than I did.
 
Thanks Lucas (Budal202) for the inspirational story. Your experiences closely mirror my own. Finding and maintaining hope is the most difficult and most important thing for anyone to do, especially when faced with tremendous adversity.

To touch on my story. I used ecstasy and other drugs a fair amount throughout my twenties. The last time I used illegal drugs was when I was twenty eight and took two ecstasy pills (the most I've ever taken in a night) and a shot of absinthe. I don't recall that night too well, I just have a feeling that it wasn't a good night and that I was panicky and scared. Before this roll, I hadn't used any illegal drugs for three years. Since that last roll I've carried regret for having a moment of weakness.

Fast forward nine years to the present and at thirty seven I've been going through three months of hell after experiencing a mental/nervous breakdown. Before this episode, I never once looked up the long term effects of the drugs I used. When I finally did the research, I was overcome with anxiety, panick attacks and grief. Adding to my worries about past drug use damage was during the last nine years I did a tour in Afghanistan for the Army. In Afghanistan I was under a lot of stress, sleep deprivation and I took a very hard hit to my forehead that knocked me off my feet and left a very large bump. These events resurfaced during my breakdown. I've been having memory issues, trouble thinking, writing, reading, depression and sleep deprivation all causing me to feel completely hopeless.

Since the breakdown, I have seen doctors, therapists and a psychiatrist about my mental issues for the first time in my life. I opened up and began talking to family, friends and professionals about my thoughts and feelings. Through this difficult experience I unlocked a lot of buried and repressed trauma that I never talked about or dealt with in a healthy manner. I was using drugs and other addictions to mask and avoid the pain.

Because I've been suffering with memory and thinking problems. Watching TV, movies, reading, writing and having conversations are all a challenge for me. I don't enjoy anything right now which makes it all the more difficult to find a way to get my mind to take a break from all the negative thoughts. But I have found some hope and I keep fighting to see what tomorrow brings.

Through this experience I've changed and became a better person. So much so that people around me have noticed and made comments. I've stopped being selfish, self centered, closed off, scared and distant from people and the world. These are negative traits I've had since I was a child but never consciously recognized. Now I've been reaching out and getting help. The positivity and support I've received has been tremendous. My life up to now has been filled with traumas and negativity. Now it feels like I've awaken, my chi unblocked. I've found my calling which is to help others and make positive changes to people's lives and the world. To give back more then I take. I hope to continue this path and use my experiences and continue to grow and become a better person.

These three months have been very difficult. I'm learning to accept the past, the good and the bad, none of it can be changed. My past experiences have made me who I am today. The future is unknown so I continue to fight, make better choices and effect the world in a positive way.
 
Dearest Yater, I wish you all the best and good luck on your journey of healing. I really recommend mindfulness meditation for insomnia.

Personally the way I've learned to deal with regret (other than mindfulness meditation to stop the regretful thoughts from occurring during day to day life) is to acknowledge that if we are stuck in the past it takes away from our future, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't learn from our past to better ourselves and not repeat the same mistakes.

Best of luck.
 
Cotcha Yankinov said:
Dearest Yater, I wish you all the best and good luck on your journey of healing. I really recommend mindfulness meditation for insomnia.

Personally the way I've learned to deal with regret (other than mindfulness meditation to stop the regretful thoughts from occurring during day to day life) is to acknowledge that if we are stuck in the past it takes away from our future, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't learn from our past to better ourselves and not repeat the same mistakes.

Best of luck.
Click to expand...

I agree on both statements. I've started with meditation and find it helpful. Regarding the past, I never realized how much I was focused on it and dwelling on regrets. I certainly never learned from my mistakes as I kept repeating them. Only in the last three months have I developed these two tools and shifted my focus onto the present and future.

I'll add that I have begun to enjoy the journey of life and accept the bad moments along with the good ones. Now when something negative happens, it no longer stops or derails me. I simply adjust, overcome and continue moving forward.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top