LostWife is back again... Ugghhh

[LostWife]

Hello all my bluelight friends... Havent given an update in a little while, so i figured i would let you all know what's going on.

So today is day 9 of being away from my husband. I've gotten a few text messages from him but all of them meaningless, I dont think he's taking me seriously.

Sunday was the first day i heard from him, He texted me (yes i am not worthy of a phone call i guess) and asked me if i needed any money. I told him no thanks, i'm good He texted back- Ok. Love you. And i told him i loved him too.

I was really excited to hear from him. I thought, "ahh he's missing me, maybe he's starting to realize i'm not coming home and he's starting to think that he needs help or he's losing me."

Well, I went to a movie with my sister and when i got out i had another text from him asking what i was up to. I told him just got out of a movie. (short simple answers) and he said, "Oh i was going to stop by but i'm already almost home." and THAT was the text that was like ummm okay?? if this was a breakthrough, i'm not worth the 10 minute drive it takes to turn around and come to my parents house. So that really confused me. why would he even bother texting me in the first place.

I didnt hear from him any more that night, and most of monday either. Around 7 pm on Monday he texted, "When are you coming home?" What a stupid stupid stupid question!! He know's when i will come home and the fact that he asked me is so retarded. So i told him- Whenever you decide to get help. And then again nothing for the rest of the night.

Yesterday morning he texted me asking if his drill was in my car, i said no, i havent seen it. and he said, will you go check. So i did and told him no, it's not in there. we exchanged "i love you's" and then again nothing for the rest of the day.

So this is just really really confusing and wierd. His contact went from none for almost a week, and now it's like one text message a day asking me retarded questions.

I'm not sure if i should be answering those messages like i have been, because clearly they arent important, he's acting like i never left and that nothing is wrong. The fact that he actually asked me, "When are you coming home." i think just goes to show that he ISNT taking this seriously, and he thinks that one day i'll just pack up, head home and sweep everything under the rug like nothing happened. Now THAT bugs me. I dont know how your wife leaving you for a week + isnt a serious threat? I just feel stuck on what to do next.

I know he is still using, he's talked to my brother in law still on the phone and My brother in law is saying he still sounds out of it, not his normal self. He's saying strange things and really acting like nothing is wrong at all. My brother in law is urging him to get in touch with me, to work this out because it's a marriage, it's not some little relationship, it's serious business, a committment that we both made to be with each other forever. But of course my husband makes excuses and on and on.

On thing i did find out that i'm not sure how to confront is- I ran to our apartment on Monday because i passed by and seen his car was gone. I ran in to get more clothes and some more of my stuff, and all of his laundry is done and folded neatly, the house seems sorta clean, and i found out his mom is letting him drive her car, and even let him sleep at her house one night. So basically life is good except i'm just gone he's being fed, laundry being done, driving his moms nice new car around. I feel like i need to talk to his mom and tell her she's enabling him and that she needs to stop, because right now he's not desperate, he has no reason to stop using because he's still living good.

It's SO discouraging to think that the fact that I'M gone isnt enough for him to think, crap i need to stop living this way. It's like i dont matter. i'm over here going through hell, having breakdowns at work, cant hardly function, having a hard time getting to sleep, just on and on, but he's fine...

I dont know if i just have to wait for him to hit rock bottom and if/when that happens who knows. This just sucks!!

 

[badandwicked]

It does suck, very much, but for what it's worth you sound like you're handling it admirably. Its uplifting and refreshing to read about someone being strong and refusing to become a victim of circumstance more than you already are.

It must hurt, especially as a spouse, to feel that you're dispensable. but you're not. Everything thats going on with him & his mother is bullshit and will come crashing down eventually. He's not fine even though it seems so on the surface, you're a million times better off than he is, even though it may not feel like it. At least you're in reality and feeling the pain, he's on a little holiday from reality. What goes up (him) must come down, and what's down (you) must come up. Try & stay strong.

Don't try and read too much into his texts, or figure out what he's thinking. Some people (especially men) have a hard time expressing themselves at the best of times. But if he's been getting high since you left, he's not feeling or thinking anything significant or relevant anyway.

I think you owe it to your relationship to have a talk with his mother, maybe your sis in law could come along for support. Don't be disappointed if she fails to understand where you're coming from, a mothers instinct is to do just that, mother their child, especially if she's naive to addiction. She may also be in denial about his issues, and come to view you as the 'enemy'. Sadly unless he gets help she will become all to familiar with the pain that you're going through. Don't become too embroiled in whats going on with them. Just keep your distance & continue to communicate clearly about what you want and expect.

Leave him in no doubt as to your love and commitment to him, as you don't want to give him an 'excuse' to keep spiralling. Maybe a letter could be effective, if he calls or texts asking about the situation, trying to put the ball back in your court as an addict will, you can just say 'read the letter, honey'. Good luck & sincerest best wishes.

 

[Georgie25]

Honestly it seems like he isn't taking you seriously at all. Whether he just doesnt give a fuck or is too high it don't really matter, you shouldn't have to deal with either of those things.

What I would do is whenever he sends you a stupid text message keep replying to him with the REAL, SERIOUS QUESTIONS AT HAND and don't make him think it's alright for him to talk to you like nothing is wrong. Tell him you will only speak to him about this situation you are in, him getting help, or you leaving him permanetly. I don't see how you're gonna be able to put up with this for very long so it's a very possible thing you must be ready for - divorcing him.

But before all that I think you really need to come down harder on him. He probally thinks you're taking some kind of vacation in his warped mind and obviously does not see the seriousness of the situation. I suggest you do talk to his mom about what you said as well.

Let us know how it goes whatever you do...good luck.

 

[Xynthetic]

Hello all my bluelight friends... Havent given an update in a little while, so i figured i would let you all know what's going on.

So today is day 9 of being away from my husband. I've gotten a few text messages from him but all of them meaningless, I dont think he's taking me seriously.

Sunday was the first day i heard from him, He texted me (yes i am not worthy of a phone call i guess) and asked me if i needed any money. I told him no thanks, i'm good He texted back- Ok. Love you. And i told him i loved him too.

I was really excited to hear from him. I thought, "ahh he's missing me, maybe he's starting to realize i'm not coming home and he's starting to think that he needs help or he's losing me."

Well, I went to a movie with my sister and when i got out i had another text from him asking what i was up to. I told him just got out of a movie. (short simple answers) and he said, "Oh i was going to stop by but i'm already almost home." and THAT was the text that was like ummm okay?? if this was a breakthrough, i'm not worth the 10 minute drive it takes to turn around and come to my parents house. So that really confused me. why would he even bother texting me in the first place.

I didnt hear from him any more that night, and most of monday either. Around 7 pm on Monday he texted, "When are you coming home?" What a stupid stupid stupid question!! He know's when i will come home and the fact that he asked me is so retarded. So i told him- Whenever you decide to get help. And then again nothing for the rest of the night.

Yesterday morning he texted me asking if his drill was in my car, i said no, i havent seen it. and he said, will you go check. So i did and told him no, it's not in there. we exchanged "i love you's" and then again nothing for the rest of the day.

So this is just really really confusing and wierd. His contact went from none for almost a week, and now it's like one text message a day asking me retarded questions.

I'm not sure if i should be answering those messages like i have been, because clearly they arent important, he's acting like i never left and that nothing is wrong. The fact that he actually asked me, "When are you coming home." i think just goes to show that he ISNT taking this seriously, and he thinks that one day i'll just pack up, head home and sweep everything under the rug like nothing happened. Now THAT bugs me. I dont know how your wife leaving you for a week + isnt a serious threat? I just feel stuck on what to do next.

I know he is still using, he's talked to my brother in law still on the phone and My brother in law is saying he still sounds out of it, not his normal self. He's saying strange things and really acting like nothing is wrong at all. My brother in law is urging him to get in touch with me, to work this out because it's a marriage, it's not some little relationship, it's serious business, a committment that we both made to be with each other forever. But of course my husband makes excuses and on and on.

On thing i did find out that i'm not sure how to confront is- I ran to our apartment on Monday because i passed by and seen his car was gone. I ran in to get more clothes and some more of my stuff, and all of his laundry is done and folded neatly, the house seems sorta clean, and i found out his mom is letting him drive her car, and even let him sleep at her house one night. So basically life is good except i'm just gone he's being fed, laundry being done, driving his moms nice new car around. I feel like i need to talk to his mom and tell her she's enabling him and that she needs to stop, because right now he's not desperate, he has no reason to stop using because he's still living good.

It's SO discouraging to think that the fact that I'M gone isnt enough for him to think, crap i need to stop living this way. It's like i dont matter. i'm over here going through hell, having breakdowns at work, cant hardly function, having a hard time getting to sleep, just on and on, but he's fine...

I dont know if i just have to wait for him to hit rock bottom and if/when that happens who knows. This just sucks!!

I know that you'd really like to tell his mother how much he is hurting you and how she is enabling it to happen, but in the end its not going to help the issue at hand. If he really wants you back, he will make it happen himself. It doesn't matter how many people nag at him incessantly, he's going to do what he wants to do. At this point you shouldn't have to do anything but try to live your life as normally as possible (as hard as it is). The moment he realizes that he is being given no attention at all is when he will decide it's time for change. Now how long will this take? Unfortunately nobody knows.

 

[placid space]

I also have to add that you are a brave person and that you did everything right. He definitely should not treat you like that.
But I would like to ask you to ask yourself what you define as love. Are those few letters "I love you" in your txts really important. Thats just words, it means nothing. I couldnt care less If my girlfriend never told me she loved me. It might sound cliche but It is about showing it. It is about caring how your partner feels and trying to do anything in your power to make them feel happy. If I love someone I want them to be happy.
And what bothers me is how nonchalantly he behaves, how indifferent he is. I did some stupid and mean things when I was high but very soon after I regreted it. He must really be high all the time and using a lot to block everything out like that.
I also think you are completely right, his mom should not be enabling this behaviour. And also you need to make a plan( maybe ask a marriage councilor for advice or some sort of a therapist), give him an ultimatum or something. You are wasting your time, your life. From my experience this can go on for years. He gets clean for a while (not because he really wants to but so that he pleases you and everyone) and then it all comes back down the road.
A person only gets clean if they really really badly want it. They must regret their actions, see the wrong in it all and that means being completely honest with themselves and everyone else. I think you will know if that happens, if he really commits to getting and staying clean out of love for himself and for you, if he is really being sincere (trust your feeling, intuition).

 

[placid space]

I know that you'd really like to tell his mother how much he is hurting you and how she is enabling it to happen, but in the end its not going to help the issue at hand. .

Of course it will help. Make him see this behaviour is not ok. She feeds him, washes his clothes, lets him use the car to score drugs. Instead of showing him that she does not agree with this behaviour and his mean outbursts, she takes care of him like nothing is wrong. This is like step one in any rehab situation, cut him off, do not enable this behaviour. It has nothing to do with nagging. Yes,It is true that it is all about him and how he will get clean only if he wants to but most people need a push or two to get there.

 

[n3ophy7e]

LostWife, I must reiterate what others have said and emphasise that you are doing the right thing and you need to stick to your guns about this. I know it's hard and you miss him, but it's for his own good (and yours) that you see this through until the desired outcome is reached. I truly admire your strength, and even though it might not feel very empowering at the moment, one day when all of this is over and sorted out you will look back and you will be so proud of the way you handled it

If I was in your situation, I would talk to his mother. She probably doesn't understand how she is enabling his problem to continue. Hopefully once she knows the whole story she can help you a bit more.

 

[homeydontplaythat]

this really breaks my heart reading this. i am a drug addict. i was in a relationship with a woman i loved very very much. she saved my life when i overdosed on heroin. we lived together for 2 years. i probably would have married her. like your husband though, i was using drugs, hiding it from her, lying to her. i got to where i would only use heroin about once a month but she would always find the needles, see my tracks, or find bags. every time she lost trust for me until she couldnt take it anymore. she left me and i never forgot that pain.

it took me YEARS of spiraling further, coming up for air, then going down even further until i managed to change. fortunately, i am doing well now. i am in a loving relationship with a woman i intend to marry and i met her AFTER i became stable and resolved my issues. i cant bear to think of hurting my girlfriend like i hurt my ex. it still hurts when i think about it. its such a sad situation because i know your husband loves you, but he loves getting high too. i know because i was your husband at one point.

the thing is he has no reason to change if things are going his way. he is stubborn, like most addicts, and he probably will keep trying to act like everything is cool until something really bad happens to him. i hate to say this but getting him closer to a bottom may be the best thing. once he gets arrested, has a car crash, gets the shit kicked out of him, or is homeless he will realize (and maybe not even then) that even though its only adderall that it IS fucking taking away things from him.

its already taken you away from him. he needs to have more taken away before he can overcome his pride. this is just my experience. i send you AND him all my love.

 

[edgewise1]

I did the exact same thing when my wife left me. I made out like nothing was wrong and tried to convince myself that was the case. It was actually this time of the year so I was still out of school on summer vacation (I'm a teacher). I actually had a good time for a couple weeks because I convinced myself that she would come back and everything would work out. Now in my case I had already sought help, but this was the third go round over the drugs. Anyway, after 2-3 weeks I begin to get the idea that maybe this was more serious than I thought, and of course it was! Just toe the line and don't compromise until he actively seeks help, otherwise he may think he has "won" and things could repeat themselves as they did in my case. I really did screw up a great marriage. Don't let it happen to yours!

 

[b4rd]

This is a very tough decision. I think you need to confront him.

 

[shelbynvovka@gmail]

I dont think he wants to clean up because i already confronted him about it and he "promised to stop" He said he felt so guilty and the reason he never could tell me anything was because he was scared i would leave him if he ever came clean about it. But after that talk things seemed great! It felt more open and yeah of course the trust didnt come back, thats going to take a loong time.. I told him i would support him if he needed to go to rehab or anything and he was very firm in saying he absolutely didnt need that or whatever... (I'm sure he probably does need rehab who knows)

He just goes into "denial mode" i guess.. he makes every excuse in the book for why he did it "that one time" on and on and on... I'm sure part of him really would like to be clean and live a healthy life, but maybe he can't on his own, or maybe he really truly doesnt care... I have no clue

OMG I am going through the same thing..... Mine is smoking oc 80s and has the same story. I can not put up with him anymore he is about to take me down under with him and i am pushing away. I have two year old son that used to adore him. We dated for two years so he raised him. Now my son is terrified to be around him and my parents are scared his is going to hurt me with how angry he gets. I have to slowly walk away cause if i dont i will loose everything. Im in love with him..... well the old him.8)

 

[User Name Here]

Reading that was heartbreaking. Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing; DON'T BUDGE! Be sure to have a talk with his mother too, just make sure you are very tactful and understanding. It will be hard for her to admit that her son has a problem as it is hard for any mother to do so. A lot of parents try to ignore the problem in favor of sweeping everything under the rug and pretending everything is fine. Don't give her a reason to take it as an attack and just keep it calm and simple. Hopefully she will consider what you have to say and know that you aren't just talking trash.

I really, really hope everything works out for you two. You sound like a wonderful wife and anyone would be lucky to be married to you. It might be hard to realize right now, just don't forget that this isn't caused by you!

 

[User Name Here]

Don't forget that addicts are another type of people. Their brains are altered and they can't think clearly. This isn't a cop-out or an excuse for it... Addiction is a "disease" but it does not excuse the things addicts do; they don't get off scotch free for treating others poorly so you're doing the right thing by standing your ground. Just know that he is in an altered state... I don't know him but I can guarantee that his actions do not show how he actually feels and I seriously doubt he thinks of you as dispensable.

 

[Georgie25]

Any update?

 

[LostWife]

So wow!!

Had the most crazy day yesterday.

Well i'll start with the past few days-

On saturday i received a call from my sister in law freaking out. She told me that my husband had broken into his grandmas house, and stole her rolex and some money. They caught him in the act, and then a house that was being rented by his "company" (my husband and his friend started a business, but havent had any work) was a growhouse and filled with marijuana plants. So it was an insane way to start my saturday.

i talked to my mother in law ALL day and there was just rumor after rumor flying around about my husband.. he has a completely psycho extended family, all of his aunts and uncles are just completely insane.. They started throwing all of these accusations at him, saying that things are missing from their houses, people calling him a junkie just on and on... Whether the accusations are true, i guess we wont know unless my husband does admit it some day.

So i just kinda sat back and thought wow, maybe THIS is rock bottom, it HAS to be!

So yesterday i was talking to my sister in law and she told me she went and spent most of the night with my husband, that he is SO skinny (I havent seen him in two weeks) that he was just out of it, not making any sense, she just told me, "Danielle, he is going to DIE!" THAT made me go WOW, what do i DO!?

So yesterday i went and seen him (we have been communicating via text more frequently and we talked on the phone for an hour thursday night, so we have been talking i just hadnt seen him yet, i finally felt like this was the right time)

I went to our apartment and immediately he wanted me to leave, I honestly dont know HOW i did it but somehow he calmed down and spilled his heart out to me. He was crying, telling me how much he's hurting, how much he misses his dad, how he know's he needs help but doesnt feel like it'll help. And i just sat there calmly listening to him, telling him things that i felt he needed to hear, trying to encourage him that if he wants to get help he has our immediate families RIGHT behing him, supporting him and lifting him up.

He went on about money and how he can't afford rehab, and what about the bills, and what about this or that, and i just kept telling him not to worry about ANY of that, that that will all be taken care of just DONT worry, if you're ready to get help, it's going to work out.

So finally he calmed down and said, Yes, i'll go to rehab.

Talk about a shocker!!!! It's kinda wierd because even at this point he still was denying that he was using, yet he said he would go to rehab.

So i talked to him some more, told him how proud i was of him and how much i loved him and how positive this step is going to be in our lives and how he's making the right choice.

When i was going to leave he asked me for money, and i asked for what? and he said i'm starving and i need cigarettes. So i told him i would run to the grocery store for him and get him some food and cigarettes. and he was like no, i just want a calzone can i have 20$ to go get a calzone and smokes?? I told him no, that i would order his food and go get it for him. And he looked at me, shocked. and then said, okay, i want a calzone, smokes and a red bull. and i was like ok, and went and got him his stuff, then i came home, and i said you're really giong to do this (rehab)? And he said yeah, i'm going to do it.

So i went to my mother in laws BURSTING with the news, we were all just like ahhh!! freaking out cause we just couldnt believe this moment was FINALLY here.. and so we started looking for places, just havent found one yet, hopefully today will be a successful day since it's monay.

But as the day went on, i started to worry, like what if he's just saying that to get me off his back and then when it just really comes down to it he doesnt want to go or wont go etc... So i knew i had to go spend the night at home. After all i did say i would come home as soon as he started making the steps to change and get help.

So i went to my mom and dads and packed a bag and went home.

i kept asking him, so youre really going to do this, (just cause i was soo in shock) and he kept saying yes yes i am, i already called my business partner and let him know, and some of my other friends i trust, so i feel like this is a really positve step that he's telling people because i think then he'll follow through.

But i honestly feel my biggest breakthrough was last night when we were just chatting.

I finally just asked him (for the millionth time) What are you on? and he ADMITTED to me (for the first time ever without me seeing a text in his phone) that he is using suboxone, and he can't stop. He told me that out of everything he's ever tried, Oxycontin, pain pills, coke, marijuana, he even admitted to using heroin (But he said that he never shot it), that he's never really become "physically addicted" to anything, but for some reason this suboxone has such a grip on him. (Maybe some of you know why??)

He admitted that he's been using for a good part of his life (He's only 25), that he was selling for awhile, past drugs he used before we met, while we were dating, and since we've been married.

He told me that he'll use the suboxone and then he'll wean himself off of it, go through the withdrawals, an be ok for like a week, but he always goes back to it, always starts up again.

This is the FIRST TIME EVER that he's just openly told me this stuff, answered any of my questions, told me stories of being with people when they OD'd.. It was just so overwhelming, but i just kept my calm and just sat back and thought wow, i can't believe i didnt know ANY of this. haha! Seems absolutely INSANE that i've dated him for 3 years, been married for 2, and all of this is coming out.

But yes, I'll keep you updated!! You all have been SO SO SO awesome and supportive, and i hope that you see all of this as a positive, as i am.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Wow hun this is amazing to read, I am so relieved and happy for you!! Of course this is only the beginning but your husband has taken a HUGE step in the right direction. I sincerely wish you both all the best, and please keep us updated

 

[Georgie25]

Wow I'm so happy for you LostWife, I'm glad you stuck with it to get to the truth and yes this is a very big and postive step in the rigth direction for him not to be in denial about his drug use anymore.

It is kind of weird though that that he'd be addicted to suboxone over all that other stuff...I suspect he's not telling the whole truth just yet. What about the adderral texts?

 

[LostWife]

Wow I'm so happy for you LostWife, I'm glad you stuck with it to get to the truth and yes this is a very big and postive step in the rigth direction for him not to be in denial about his drug use anymore.

It is kind of weird though that that he'd be addicted to suboxone over all that other stuff...I suspect he's not telling the whole truth just yet. What about the adderral texts?

He said that he just uses adderall for focus, and energy. So i'm not really sure. I suspect the whole truth isnt being told yet as well, but the fact that he opened up with me and shared all of that was a HUGE step!!

It was just crazy how fast this is all happening. It's very overwhelming!

But he acted like Suboxone is his main thing that he just can't stop using. He said that he never got physically addicted to oxycontin, or even pain pills, and he never really liked the feeling coke gave him... But especially the heroin i thought that that was very addictive.. Maybe only if you shoot it?? he said he would snort it i think?? Is that possible? lol idk anything about heroin...

He said that he's been snorting the suboxone, because he "likes to snort stuff" haha didnt know it was possible to like to snort anything, i couldnt imagine sniffing something up my nose, but each to his own i guess..

idk this is pretty crazy!

 

[Georgie25]

Lol yes craziness!

Well I was a 4 year heroin daily heroin addict and for the first 4 months or so I would "only snort it never go to IV!!!" so yes you can snort it..and yes I did go to the needle eventually. Either way it is very addictive.

I'm prescribed subooxne for my heroin addiction. It helps take away the withdrawals and some cravings for heroin/drugs. I've never gotten a high off of it myself, but know people who are intolerant to opiates who take a piece of a sub and they'll get high...it's just not the most recreationally drug one can get addicted to IMO, so it's kind of weird.

I used to love snorting drugs but once I started IVing that took over very quickly. Plus most drugs give a nasty "drip", or taste in your throat once you snort them..yuck

Don't give him any money whatever you do. You dont want to enable him in anyway.
Does he still have a job BTW? And are you back home again? What's he up to the following day after you had this rehab talk the night before?

 

[Bojangles69]

It is kind of weird though that that he'd be addicted to suboxone over all that other stuff...I suspect he's not telling the whole truth just yet. What about the adderral texts?

We only ASSUMED those texts were adderal texts no? I definitely think hes telling the truth. Why would you admit to a bunch of other drugs than casually leave one out? It doesn't make logical sense.

And I personally don't find it weird that sub is what did him in. Methadone would be first in terms of doing people in, then subs. The wds from suboxone are soooo longgggg compared to all the other opiates he's tried, that the wds most likely break him down everytime.
I mean getting off pods for me has been hard enough, but when I went on that suboxone binge and came back to pods, I was in one of the worst conditions of my life. Suboxone is a literal fucking nightmare to get off for some people. And even if it isn't as terrible as I make it, the fact is he most likely has NO IDEA how to taper off it properly.

Suboxone needs to be dropped very slowly over a long period of time imo. If he was trying at all to taper himself he was prob dropping by chunks everyday and getting hit with pretty nasty wds.
I mean in all honest what would YOU pick to wd from? Heroin, oxy, morphine, pods orrrr suboxone? I'd ABSOLUTELY pick sub last, but thats just me.

At any rate, this is obviously not the end of the story, but I do think its also part of a new begining. If he goes to rehab don't start worrying about what he's doing in rehab, but definitely plan something for AFTER rehab. If he just goes back into work and a normal routine right afterwards I don't see him doing that well. He def needs some long term form of aftercare, maybe outpatient rehab or NA if possible. If you even need to go with him take him out to eat one day after hes done with rehab, then pass a church that has NA and say "hey you wanna go to an NA meeting" lol, thats actually a terrible way to do it but you get the idea.
NAs not going to save his life but it does help a lot of people get off their sober training wheels.