LostWife is back again... Ugghhh

[LostWife]

I had an old thread on here- You may want to check it out before reading on so your not lost...

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=505027&goto=newpost


I think now he's doing adderall... After i confronted him about it, he said he wanted to stop. he seemed to be pretty normal for about a month, but Two weeks ago i had to last minute go down to Florida because my grandma was dying...

It almost seemed like the second i walked out the door he went on a weekend bender... I talked to him a couple times while i was gone and he said he hadnt slept in two days and he was clearly messed up on something from the sound of his voice. He talked to my brother in law too, and my bro-IL said he knew within 5 seconds my husband was on something.

When he came down to Florida for my grandmas funeral he was being SO mean to me.. he was very irritable the whole time we were there.. Quiet, irritated, annoyed at everything, snappy etc... Idk if he was withdrawaling?? Not sure...

anyways- I know you alot of you lectured me about going into his phone and invading his privacy, but i couldnt help myself... I had to peek because i just KNEW he was up to something again...

Sure enough there were a few texts asking people in Florida (my cousin) to help him get some "adds" I'm assuming thats adderall as someone had stated before. That person told him no, then he texted someone else the same thing. They said no as well.. (he met me in FL and we were there for a total of 6 days together) as far as i know, he never found anything to use down there, but i was positive the moment we got home he'd be "going to the store"... But he didnt..(But we got in really late and didnt get home till after midnight) So i'm sure he's getting whatever it is today since he's been looking for them all week...


He also lied to me about his job.. He told my brother in law he got fired, and he told me he quit grrr....

ahhh Sooo how do i deal with this?? You all were SOO helpful last time.. I just dont know if i handled the situation incorrectly or what.. Or if he's just absolutely not wanting to stop and get help at all.. Who knows...

Why would someone want to take adderall?? Isnt that what college kids take to help them stay up and study? haha i have no clue.. Why would he go from the bupe to the adderall?? (he could be still using the subs, but didnt see any mention of that) ahh please help!!

 

[Help me please]

Not sure you can push your husband into getting clean. I mean he has to want to do it. You have to decide how much you will put up with. Do you have kids with him? Any clue what it is about his life he isn't happy with? Maybe you can help change that and then he will want to change what's eating him.

 

[QuasiStoned]

In my experience, these situations are very difficult to handle. I was literally driving my life straight into the ground for the 2 years that I used opiates, and it seemed like I was the only person who couldn't see it. I was living in hell day in and day out and had occasional desire to quit, but the desire to get high was always stronger. When my parents figured out what I was doing, I made every excuse in the world to continue using. I swore that I would just keep using without their knowledge. I was a prick, flat out and all I wanted was to continue living in my own misery.

Now I know that was from opiates but I think that Adderall can highjack your mind just as much if not more than opiates. Psychologically it is probably much more reinforcing than opiates, amps basically dump out your reserves of dopamine which can be pleasureful, but with time people just get more and more sketched out and develop more problems the longer they use them.

I'm sorry that your husband is putting you through all that. The one promise I made to myself is that I wouldn't date while I was drug addicted because I was a wreck. I could hardly take care of myself much less be supportive of anyone else.

 

[boltfan909]

Why would someone want to take adderall?? Isnt that what college kids take to help them stay up and study?

Well yea, they do. However if you take a lot it's basically going to get you spun like you were on Meth. Taking 1 10mg pill will get you super focused and uppity, however popping 50mg+ (even less from my experience) will get you pretty high. It's another way of doing speed, perhaps he feels its not as bad because its "legal"? -- No matter what the case may be, it sounds like he is completely abusing them and it's not doing anything but hurting him, and you.

These kind of things are VERY hard, especially because I do not know you, or him, or even what type of relationship you guys have. However, it seems though you need to have a serious sit down talk with him and let him know that he needs to seek professional help. From the looks of things, he's just about rock bottom and thats never a good thing.

 

[LostWife]

Well obvoiusly our relationship isnt so hott considering the fact that he has to hide things from me and lie to me daily.. but before all of this i thought everything was great! we seemed pretty happy and i love him more than anything, he usually acts like he adores me.. He still does, he treats me like a queen, I try my hardest to show him love in every way, if i'm doing something wrong i would have no clue where to even begin to look.. (besides not being able to trust him anymore) so i dont understand why he needs this stuff in his life... It's sooo frusterating!

 

[Help me please]

LostWife, I need to add that I don't discount the fact that you clearly love your husband and want back the man you married. Healing has to come from within first. We cannot rely on others for our happiness or health (related to self destructive things). I hope you take time to focus on your own happiness too. You must be under a great amount of stress.

 

[boltfan909]

Well obvoiusly our relationship isnt so hott considering the fact that he has to hide things from me and lie to me daily.. but before all of this i thought everything was great! we seemed pretty happy and i love him more than anything, he usually acts like he adores me.. He still does, he treats me like a queen, I try my hardest to show him love in every way, if i'm doing something wrong i would have no clue where to even begin to look.. (besides not being able to trust him anymore) so i dont understand why he needs this stuff in his life... It's sooo frusterating!

Do NOT blame yourself here. He is the one in the wrong, hiding things and lashing out at you (when in W/D or coming down). You need to stand firm knowing you are doing nothing wrong. If everything was kosher with your relationship you would of never felt that you needed to look through is phone, however being that you did catch him doing stuff behind your back it proves you had every reason to be curious/worrisome.


You have to bear down and let him know enough is enough. Let him know how much you love him and you simply do not want anything bad to happen to him and that if he continues to go behind your back using drugs you will simply not put up with it. Life is too short to live like that. Your Husband and you will be 100x more happy when he cleans up.

Do you know his stance on this? Does he WANT to clean up when you as him or does he go in denial mode?

 

[Z Y G G Y]

He needs this stuff cuz he is an addict. He can not control his use and I bet that he isn't feeling too good about what he is doing. He is probably feeling guilty about it himself and feels ashamed so he tries to hide it from you.

Is there any way you can get him to be honest with you? Tell him that no matter how bad the truth is you want to know it all. That way is will be easier for you to deal with stuff cuz you would know exactly what you are dealing with instead of guessing what is going on. Make sure he understands that you want the truth not to be mean to him but for the good of both of you. I think that would be the first step for you guys. To get him to be truthful with you. If you can do that things will be easier to handle.

Or even ask him straight up why he needs to use the stuff. He will probably not be able to pinpoint to one thing but it will get him to start thinking about it. He might give u some clues. Then you guys can start on changing your life so that he stops using.

 

[Bojangles69]

You are in a boat with someone who can care less if the boat ever sank, and hes going to wind up taking you down with him if you don't jump ashore soon.

He uses adderal because it makes him feel very confident and strong, it gives people energy and saturates their brains in dopamine so they feel good. But too much time on adderal at too high a dose can start to affect his mental health. And too long on adderal can make a person never wanna get off of it, which is a point he's prob already surpassed in all honesty.

Communication can help, but communication can also be a waste. Chances are even if you bring the topic up he's gonna minimize all his behavoir and make it appear like he has control which he def doesn't sound to have right now. It will only lead to a clashing of reality and the bubble he's been living in for so long.
But in the situation you're in, at some point you WILL have to talk about it just to figure out whats best for you.

The sooner you have that talk, the sooner you can escape years of lies and secrets and the sooner you can avoid the hell thats likely to show its face in the approaching years.

 

[LostWife]

Do NOT blame yourself here. He is the one in the wrong, hiding things and lashing out at you (when in W/D or coming down). You need to stand firm knowing you are doing nothing wrong. If everything was kosher with your relationship you would of never felt that you needed to look through is phone, however being that you did catch him doing stuff behind your back it proves you had every reason to be curious/worrisome.


You have to bear down and let him know enough is enough. Let him know how much you love him and you simply do not want anything bad to happen to him and that if he continues to go behind your back using drugs you will simply not put up with it. Life is too short to live like that. Your Husband and you will be 100x more happy when he cleans up.

Do you know his stance on this? Does he WANT to clean up when you as him or does he go in denial mode?

I dont think he wants to clean up because i already confronted him about it and he "promised to stop" He said he felt so guilty and the reason he never could tell me anything was because he was scared i would leave him if he ever came clean about it. But after that talk things seemed great! It felt more open and yeah of course the trust didnt come back, thats going to take a loong time.. I told him i would support him if he needed to go to rehab or anything and he was very firm in saying he absolutely didnt need that or whatever... (I'm sure he probably does need rehab who knows)

He just goes into "denial mode" i guess.. he makes every excuse in the book for why he did it "that one time" on and on and on... I'm sure part of him really would like to be clean and live a healthy life, but maybe he can't on his own, or maybe he really truly doesnt care... I have no clue

 

[boltfan909]

I dont think he wants to clean up because i already confronted him about it and he "promised to stop" He said he felt so guilty and the reason he never could tell me anything was because he was scared i would leave him if he ever came clean about it. But after that talk things seemed great! It felt more open and yeah of course the trust didnt come back, thats going to take a loong time.. I told him i would support him if he needed to go to rehab or anything and he was very firm in saying he absolutely didnt need that or whatever... (I'm sure he probably does need rehab who knows)

He just goes into "denial mode" i guess.. he makes every excuse in the book for why he did it "that one time" on and on and on... I'm sure part of him really would like to be clean and live a healthy life, but maybe he can't on his own, or maybe he really truly doesnt care... I have no clue

It sounds like he does care, but he's an addict. You really need to put your foot down. You have got to tell him he has to seek professional help because he clearly cannot do it hisself. The simple fact he doesn't get this drug prescribed by his Dr. should be PLENTY of evidence he does NOT need it. He's doing it for rec. purposes and it has spiraled out of control.

Be soft and gentle but at the same time firm. If he thinks your just going to keep putting up with it, it will never end. Things will just get worse. I KNOW this is a very hard thing to do, but it's the only option for you guys' right now. He's gotta get serious, realize he has a problem and seek professional help to get him cleaned up. From what I read you guys love each other dearly, and as long as you have each other you will be able to get through it all. It all starts with him admitting he has a problem, then finding help!

 

[Carl Landrover]

Why would someone want to take adderall?? Isnt that what college kids take to help them stay up and study? haha i have no clue.. Why would he go from the bupe to the adderall?? (he could be still using the subs, but didnt see any mention of that) ahh please help!!

Confidence boost, energy boost, can help if you're feeling depressed.

If he is WDing from suboxone or is through the physical WDs from it, but maybe still feeling the mental funk, then I think something like adderall would be tempting to take. After quitting opioids it's not out of the norm to feel uninterested in doing things and to feel lethargic and depressed. Taking adderall could remove a lot of those feelings (if even only for a temporary period).

Adderall is pretty addictive though, even without using it for something like getting off of opiates (which I don't know if I would really recommend doing). It's quite easy to get in the habit of taking it daily.

 

[LostWife]

He needs this stuff cuz he is an addict. He can not control his use and I bet that he isn't feeling too good about what he is doing. He is probably feeling guilty about it himself and feels ashamed so he tries to hide it from you.

Is there any way you can get him to be honest with you? Tell him that no matter how bad the truth is you want to know it all. That way is will be easier for you to deal with stuff cuz you would know exactly what you are dealing with instead of guessing what is going on. Make sure he understands that you want the truth not to be mean to him but for the good of both of you. I think that would be the first step for you guys. To get him to be truthful with you. If you can do that things will be easier to handle.

Or even ask him straight up why he needs to use the stuff. He will probably not be able to pinpoint to one thing but it will get him to start thinking about it. He might give u some clues. Then you guys can start on changing your life so that he stops using.

Idk how to get him to be honest with me... He seems like all he does is lie... I know he got his pill, he's been sooo annoyed and quiet and irritable the whole time we were in Florida... This morning he had a text that was sent 5 minutes after getting off the plane asking someone for his "adds" when I got home from work he was all smiles... I haven't seen him smile in almost a week... He's been lying since he "admitted" using the suboxone... He hasn't been truthful since we got married... Idk how to get him to start... I've already lovingly confronted him about the suboxone a couple months ago I told him he has nothing to worry about that I'm sticking by him no matter what.. Even if I have to use tough love for awhile...

I'm working up the courage to confront him again... I'm just scared this time because my ultimatums have to be followed through this time... I can't make empty threats because he knows he can get away with that... This is absolutely terrifying...

 

[boltfan909]

Idk how to get him to be honest with me... He seems like all he does is lie... I know he got his pill, he's been sooo annoyed and quiet and irritable the whole time we were in Florida... This morning he had a text that was sent 5 minutes after getting off the plane asking someone for his "adds" when I got home from work he was all smiles... I haven't seen him smile in almost a week... He's been lying since he "admitted" using the suboxone... He hasn't been truthful since we got married... Idk how to get him to start... I've already lovingly confronted him about the suboxone a couple months ago I told him he has nothing to worry about that I'm sticking by him no matter what.. Even if I have to use tough love for awhile...

I'm working up the courage to confront him again... I'm just scared this time because my ultimatums have to be followed through this time... I can't make empty threats because he knows he can get away with that... This is absolutely terrifying...

Call him out, get pissed! If you just keep this submissive behavior going he will keep going. It's not like you have questions on what he is doing, you KNOW. The ball is in your park, you gotta make a stand or it will never end. As hard as it may be thats what you have to do. Best of luck to the both of you!

 

[Bojangles69]

I think if she was going to call him out she would have done it after her last thread.

This is going to be the type of situation that drags on for years most likely before she puts her foot down and decides it not worth it anymore.
The place to handle a drug addict husband is the house, not an internet forum.

Let me put it this way:
A woman I use to know at work would complain about how terrible her husband was and how badly she wanted to leave him.
Week after week I heard the same excuses, the same reasons why, and week after week she never left him and continued to put up with it.

She had me to listen to and vent to, someone that she could complain to everyday about how much her husband sucked.
This went on for about 2 years and one day I told her straight out "I don't care about your husband anymore". About 2 months later she left him.

You know why?
Because A LOT of times all people want to do is complain. Thats PERFECTLY FINE. They come on the message boards, talk about all the things that are bothering them, feel better, go back to their sucky lives and forget they were even on a forum.

Sometimes all the advice in the world will never be enough to help someone. If she truely wants to help herself one day SHE WILL, but right now she appears to just be in the venting stage.
The longer we are hear to let her vent, the more normal she will feel, but also the less likely she will be to vent on her husband. I AM in a bit of a foul mood tonight, and I apologize if what I wrote is offensive, but for some reason I thought it was important enought to post here.

 

[boltfan909]

I think if she was going to call him out she would have done it after her last thread.

This is going to be the type of situation that drags on for years most likely before she puts her foot down and decides it not worth it anymore.
The place to handle a drug addict husband is the house, not an internet forum.

Let me put it this way:
A woman I use to know at work would complain about how terrible her husband was and how badly she wanted to leave him.
Week after week I heard the same excuses, the same reasons why, and week after week she never left him and continued to put up with it.

She had me to listen to and vent to, someone that she could complain to everyday about how much her husband sucked.
This went on for about 2 years and one day I told her straight out "I don't care about your husband anymore". About 2 months later she left him.

You know why?
Because A LOT of times all people want to do is complain. Thats PERFECTLY FINE. They come on the message boards, talk about all the things that are bothering them, feel better, go back to their sucky lives and forget they were even on a forum.

Sometimes all the advice in the world will never be enough to help someone. If she truely wants to help herself one day SHE WILL, but right now she appears to just be in the venting stage.
The longer we are hear to let her vent, the more normal she will feel, but also the less likely she will be to vent on her husband. I AM in a bit of a foul mood tonight, and I apologize if what I wrote is offensive, but for some reason I thought it was important enought to post here.

Unfortunately, I completely agree with this post. Hopefully she proves us wrong.


OP: I am not trying to be brass or harsh, I KNOW it's hard. Shit, it's one of the harder things you will probably ever have to do in your life. However there comes a time when enough is enough. Life is WAY too short to spend it miserable.

 

[edgewise1]

This was me. I did the same things to my wife that your husband is doing to you LW. I lied continuously about my opiate use and about all the cc's I had applied for and maxed out. By the time my wife discovered the truth I had put us $30,000 in the hole. This was back in the early part of this decade when ordering opiates on line only took filling out a questionaire. She threatened to leave me and proceeded with her plans to do so. Packed up a lot of stuff, inquired about housing, the whole thing. This went on for two weeks. During that time I cleaned up my act because I was genuinly scared she would leave. She finally saw I was trying and forgave me. Two years later, same thing happened. She forgave that one also. Finally, in 2005, it happened a third time and this time my 25 year marriage ended.

This is probably what your husband has in store for himself if he doesn't come clean NOW, and stay clean. I really think that I should have gone into some type of therapy program as that may have saved my marriage. But I always thought I could get clean on my own and stay that way, but as shown above I couldn't.

You may have to approach him and be willing to use tough love and tough love may mean leaving him for a period of time.
As far as I am concerned this has been the largest mistake of my life as I had a great wife, but once you begin lying the lies simply pile up and trust goes right out the window.

I can't remember if I posted this in the original thread or not, but here it is again.

I really hope your situation does not go as far as mine did and that your husband realizes how much he is jeopardizing by continuing the lying and the drugs!

 

[Georgie25]

I think if she was going to call him out she would have done it after her last thread.

This is going to be the type of situation that drags on for years most likely before she puts her foot down and decides it not worth it anymore.
The place to handle a drug addict husband is the house, not an internet forum.

Let me put it this way:
A woman I use to know at work would complain about how terrible her husband was and how badly she wanted to leave him.
Week after week I heard the same excuses, the same reasons why, and week after week she never left him and continued to put up with it.

She had me to listen to and vent to, someone that she could complain to everyday about how much her husband sucked.
This went on for about 2 years and one day I told her straight out "I don't care about your husband anymore". About 2 months later she left him.

You know why?
Because A LOT of times all people want to do is complain. Thats PERFECTLY FINE. They come on the message boards, talk about all the things that are bothering them, feel better, go back to their sucky lives and forget they were even on a forum.

Sometimes all the advice in the world will never be enough to help someone. If she truely wants to help herself one day SHE WILL, but right now she appears to just be in the venting stage.
The longer we are hear to let her vent, the more normal she will feel, but also the less likely she will be to vent on her husband. I AM in a bit of a foul mood tonight, and I apologize if what I wrote is offensive, but for some reason I thought it was important enought to post here.

AGree'd..I see this same behavior is "jake" who posts here as well.

People have given you the best advice we can give, if you dont want to take it and use it in real life then fine, but dont come here and waste people's time who are trying to help.

 

[LostWife]

AGree'd..I see this same behavior is "jake" who posts here as well.

People have given you the best advice we can give, if you dont want to take it and use it in real life then fine, but dont come here and waste people's time who are trying to help.

Actually, last night was my final straw... I confronted him, and when he lied straight to my face and proceded to lie, i told him either he just comes clean or i'm leaving... so i went and packed some bags and left...

I told him how much i loved him, but i will not put up with his behavior any longer. I dont deserve this, i dont deserve to be lied to, snuck around on, and a husband who is decietful and not willing to change...

It was the hardest thing packing that bag, and even at the door i stopped one more time to ask him if this is really the way he wanted to handle this.. He said i was being selfish and it's my decision.. So out i went..

This morning when i drove by our apartment to go to work his car wasnt home.. He's not the type to wake up at 6 am and he doesnt have work right now, so i have no clue how he handled my leaving, but he wasnt there...

I guess all i can do now is wait for him to realize that i'm really dead serious, and pray that he see's i'm only doing this out of love... There's nothing i want more than to be with him and to have a home and children some day. a future where there is no lies no drugs, just honesty and trust...

I'm not taking him back until i see some concrete steps to recovery then i will stand by him and support him and cheer him on and encourage him.. until then i REFUSE to go down this road a third time, i REFUSE to put up with it another minute...

I deserve much better than this...

I just hope he wants the same things...

 

[LostWife]

and btw... I was coming on here to learn about the adderall... I wanted to know how it effected people and why people chose to use it... If i didnt do any sort of research he could have told me whatever he wanted about it, and that it's not this or that..

I used alot of your advice and honestly, it was some of the comments on here that gave me that extra push to just do it and get it over with..

Thank you all! I hope i didnt waste anyones time.. That wasnt my intentions