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June Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread vs It's Finally Beach Weather!

Hey June BL's good to see you all!

I am feeling some sickness this morning, and it is a good thing. As some of you know, while tapering off oxy's, last month I was prescribed morphine ES as well. It blew my taper part of the time, but I wanted the experience of taking it. The result being I am done with morphine. I was so depressed and lethargic last month, all caused by the morphine pills. I do not like it... the only positive is that it does relieve pain like 100%, but the side effects are not worth it. And, I guess one month of occasional use was enough to give me anxiety and nausea upon quitting. Today is my third day off of it, but it is not a big deal, b/c I am using my oxy as prescribed, and then will resume my taper, with the goal of adding in those 48 periods of no opioids.(Thanks, Oly, for your good wishes!).

Hanging out here on the sobriety threads is such a positive experience... for me, I am deeply affected by the people I am around. So guess what I did the past couple of nights?

I "went" to the NA online meeting. NA has only 1 online meeting a day, but it is 7 days a week... 10pm Eastern time, so that is 8pm here in Colorado. There were only about 20 people each night I was on it. I found it helpful. The key for me is to take what I want and leave the rest, and to remember that nothing is perfect. I am conflicted about my prescription drug use and so have not yet shared... I have to figure that out. If anyone else ever feels like attending and is comfortable with letting me know, plse pm me ( I am not pokemama there)... it would be so cool to be in the same NA meeting with my BL friends.
 
Damn, I'm glad I didn't use and it was only a dream. My brain still must want the opiates but oddly I keep dreaming about crack. Haven't had crack in 10 years, but I can't get it in my dream then I finally have it and I'm underground in the the alley ways behind gates, it's very dark (this is what it was like before), or in a bathroom stall feeling psychotic at a gas station or the TL in a corner behind a door trying to get high and the sun is about to come up and I try over and over and over and it won't work, and it's exhausting … I'm homeless again not being able to sleep and people are asking me questions. I cannot hear them and it goes on and on. Excruciatingly stressful ….

I think since my car has been broken down in waking life…. I've been using the bus all over the city for work which is triggering for me lately. I had to take the bus through an old neighborhood I used to use in near the projects last night and I was beginning to dissociate from being raped down there once. I guess I will find another bus route today, it might take longer but it will be okay. I am tremendously grateful to be sober. So glad it was just a dream, a very powerful one with much panic, although a good wake up call and reminder of what it was like long ago.
 
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Smoky said:
Damn, I'm glad I didn't use and it was only a dream. My brain still must want the opiates but oddly I keep dreaming about crack. Haven't had crack in 10 years, but I can't get it in my dream then I finally have it and I'm underground in the the alley ways behind gates, it's very dark (this is what it was like before), or in a bathroom stall feeling psychotic at a gas station or the TL in a corner behind a door trying to get high and the sun is about to come up and I try over and over and over and it won't work, and it's exhausting … I'm homeless again not being able to sleep and people are asking me questions. I cannot hear them and it goes on and on. Excruciatingly stressful ….

I think since my car has been broken down in waking life…. I've been using the bus all over the city for work which is triggering for me lately. I had to take the bus through an old neighborhood I used to use in near the projects last night and I was beginning to dissociate from being raped down there once. I guess I will find another bus route today, it might take longer but it will be okay. I am tremendously grateful to be sober. So glad it was just a dream, a very powerful one with much panic, although a good wake up call and reminder of what it was like long ago.
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You're a huge inspiration smoky :) you're doing great. I still have dreams like that, except for meth. Even though I really don't feel an addictive pull toward it like I did heroin/bupe. 8( our brains are just interesting like that.

P0kemama said:
Hey June BL's good to see you all!

I am feeling some sickness this morning, and it is a good thing. As some of you know, while tapering off oxy's, last month I was prescribed morphine ES as well. It blew my taper part of the time, but I wanted the experience of taking it. The result being I am done with morphine. I was so depressed and lethargic last month, all caused by the morphine pills. I do not like it... the only positive is that it does relieve pain like 100%, but the side effects are not worth it. And, I guess one month of occasional use was enough to give me anxiety and nausea upon quitting. Today is my third day off of it, but it is not a big deal, b/c I am using my oxy as prescribed, and then will resume my taper, with the goal of adding in those 48 periods of no opioids.(Thanks, Oly, for your good wishes!).

Hanging out here on the sobriety threads is such a positive experience... for me, I am deeply affected by the people I am around. So guess what I did the past couple of nights?

I "went" to the NA online meeting. NA has only 1 online meeting a day, but it is 7 days a week... 10pm Eastern time, so that is 8pm here in Colorado. There were only about 20 people each night I was on it. I found it helpful. The key for me is to take what I want and leave the rest, and to remember that nothing is perfect. I am conflicted about my prescription drug use and so have not yet shared... I have to figure that out. If anyone else ever feels like attending and is comfortable with letting me know, plse pm me ( I am not pokemama there)... it would be so cool to be in the same NA meeting with my BL friends.
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lol an NA online meeting? link me!
 
simco said:
woke up at 3:30 am after a vivid using dream (actually, a buying dream) and couldn't fall back asleep. my clean time from opiates is starting to climb toward the two-week mark, and i've found that for me, it's between two weeks and a month that i keep falling off. but at this point i've brought the people closest to me (my wife and my best friend) into my recovery: swore total honesty every day to both of them when it comes to drugs. so far, they've both been kind and non-judgmental. but i can feel myself veering towards a lapse, and this time i'll have an audience to disappoint. fuck.

it's so easy to lie.

it would be so easy to cop and keep it to myself.

the NA literature often claims that motivated addicts can lose the *desire* to use. anyone out there willing to discuss this, especially how long it took for them to see even a little relief from cravings? obviously, it's gonna vary from person to person. but anecdotes would be better than no info. i've been going for months now of building up increments of clean time, only to see a sustained craving pull me down.

sorry. rambling. just a frustrating couple of days.

have a good day, everyone.
-Sim
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Hey jus wanted to say I'm sorta in the same boat as u.... I've been Goin to Na for about almost 3 months ago.... I'd get like 3 or 4 days clean then use More or less bc I'd get money n then use. Now about 3 weeks ago, I'd say the "desire" to use was lifted.... Now ull notice the feeling. I currently have 2 weeks straight and have money in my pocket. U get to this point where ur day to day "habit and routine" become broken. Then it's jus about using bc ur bored or hve a high or a low event in life.

It's hard to explain. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I notice the small difference. Ur able to do other things (like u can actually do something diff then ur normal routine of Goin to cop or whatever u normally do ) and u don't have major anxity or freak out. Then it jus becomes about cravings n such. That's where I'm at. I've had more sober days (even tho they may not be staright through) in 3 months then I ever had in 6 or 7 fuckin years! So something's happening!

I hope June will be my month with the most sober days to date! And it's my b day this month!
 
CH: Absolutely... http://na-recovery.org/ Just scroll down that page, and give yourself a user name... I don't even use a password.... it is that easy. I wish I could share something that gave me a chuckle, but you know I respect the confidentiality - sharing online is a bit more difficult that face to face. At least, it seems. I have never even been in a chat room, so this is a first. I will PM you my NA name.
 
P0kemama said:
CH: Absolutely... http://na-recovery.org/ Just scroll down that page, and give yourself a user name... I don't even use a password.... it is that easy. I wish I could share something that gave me a chuckle, but you know I respect the confidentiality - sharing online is a bit more difficult that face to face. At least, it seems. I have never even been in a chat room, so this is a first. I will PM you my NA name.
Click to expand...

Weird, it won't let me enter. I try putting in a user name and it won't go further. :?
 
Also for got to say good to hear ur doin good and reaching for even more support Pokemama! If u ever wanna chat since were kinda in the same boat w prescription meds n PM doctors n such pm me.... But we got this. Any progress is good progress!
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Weird, it won't let me enter. I try putting in a user name and it won't go further. :?
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That's weird... I just put in a username, and click on log in, and that is it... I am in. Maybe you need to use the other program listed below the log in box to access the online meeting. Have you tried it?
 
so about 9 days ago I had an epiphany.... i discovered this site truthcontest.com and all the answers I need are on there.

So the truth I discovered for myself is that --- i don't need drugs to do my music... and if i did need drugs it would be a fraction of what i was doing.... So i kept my meth around , i got a big ol sack , and I gave in and swallowed a lil bit...

big mistake... i really don't need that shit for my music... i love drugs, but im done with them completely dominating my being...

i don't care if i don't pick up my guitar , i'm gonna find a way to be inspiried without drugs, and if i need drugs, its never gonna be the same as it was.

i made a convenant that i will not smoke meth ever again... even if a take it again, i will swallow a tiny piece...

prefereably woulnd't need any drugs again.

find fulfillment in the present moment

i really wanna go sober , i need your guys help

truthcontest.com (read the present!) lets do this
 
Today is exactly 1 month cold turkey from a 3 year 8-12mg sub maintanance for me and my fiancee . i wont bore you with the details of why we didnt taper besides pos doctor. but its been tough i will be honest. used kratom for about a week or so days 10-17 it seemed to help but i think it might have just prolonged the wd's i felt better a week ago than i have the last 2 days. hopefully tommorow will be better, and we can stay clean another 30 days. it was not our choice to ct like we did but living in upstate ny its hard to get into a doc and get help. trying to "man" up and goto work and take care of my kids but this has been the hardest thing ive ever been thru. honestly i think this has been harder than most of the times we kicked off of pills or H just due to the length of it. didnt know where else to post this so this thread seemed to stick out. gl everyone in the same boat we are.
 
fuma, glad you're here. i've heard horror stories about getting off subs and methadone. that's hard fuckin work! 30 days is a big deal. :)
-Sim
 
Welcome fuma518! Congratulations on 1 month clean from subs! I am currently working on a slow taper off of oxy's and morphine..for several reason, one being the doctor is an a&$hole, so I hear what you are saying. That is too bad you didn't have the medical support to taper so that you did not have to suffer so much, but the worst is past now, from what I have read about sub withdrawal. Other posters will be along and can share specifically about their experiences with subs. You sound like a strong minded person by addressing your responsibilities as a father and an employee. Feel free to post as often as you want. There are several great megathreads on Bluelight, and here is a link for subs: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/733002-Suboxone-Buprenorphine-Mega-Thread-v-19
 
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Hey CH-I wish I could just call you up on the phone right now and talk to you. I happen to be unable to sleep at all. I'm so new here and I can't offer much in the way of anything, but true compassion and honesty. I see youve been on here forever and you probably know most of the answers-so maybe it is just love you need right now. I see you are so supportive of other people here. And I am certain there are so many of those people willing to give back to you. You were one of the first people to make a comment to me this week wheni joined, and I was so grateful. You made a difference in my life and you had no idea you did. Imagine how many other people appreciate you, need you , and care About you. I wish I could help more. Please don't leave before the miracle happens.
 
CH,
Beckett wrote the famous line, "I can't go on, I'll go on," and of course its meaning is debatable. I think about that line when I feel like taking a final exit. It reminds me that feeling overwhelmed, out of our depth, and trapped is fundamental to the weird drama that is being a human. Please don't step in that direction.

Feel free to PM if you ever need to/want to/don't want to but think it might help. I'm a multi-attempted suicide "survivor."

One thing I've noticed during my recovery: I hadn't thought about it, but when I was using heroin regularly, I *never* had strong suicidal impulses. Since starting the long process of getting clean, those impulses have returned. And I'm sure they'll get stronger. I had forgotten how scary our own heads can get.

Keep up the excellent work, man.
-Sim
 
Clean day number 15 for me (clean from opiates, that is). But I'm already feeling crushed and lame. I keep a little diary of what I call my addiction "momentum." Each night I give myself a score from 0 to 10. Zero means, I have no interest in or plans to use. Ten means, all hands on deck--I'm trying to cop. I keep telling myself that I need to stop everything if I get to a 5. But looking at the numbers for the past week, you could make one of those upward-trending charts that guys in business meetings always point to on old TV shows. :\

Yesterday I put in motion the wheels I need to grease in order to cop. I'm totally out of the loop in terms of the local H scene, so it takes me some time to score. But I'm definitely riding a momentum=10. At my NA meeting last night, my phone kept buzzing with dope-related texts.

Maybe I'll come to my senses and shut this down. I've been trying to be relentlessly honest with my support system: wife, best friend, NA members. But I've lied about this upswing to all of them. Or at least lied by omission. I feel like such a dickhead. Over and over, I rack up 2 weeks, maybe 3 weeks, and then this happens again. I keep aiming to maintain for at least a month, but so far, no dice.

Well, obviously I can be honest on BL at least! Somehow I still feel shitty, though. I really don't want to use. But there seems to be another part of me that does. I wonder which one is the real me. OK, sorry for the rambling.

-Sim
 
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