last week i got to day 5 and was fine. i was sleepin on my own, it will all good. well good except i had really bad mood swings with depression and TONS of panic attacks and anxienty attacks(had this for a long time). two nights of the week i stayed up all night, didnt even try to lye down in bed, because i had the worst anxienty/panic attack with a bought of really bad depression. i thought i was going to die. my heart was pouding so hart i was sure i would have a heart attack and die, sweat was pouring everyplace. it didnt start to get bad until around 1230. i stayed up to around 730 and went to sleep till around 12. i woke up feeling like shit. the norm for me is getting these attacks but NO WHERE NEAR of what it was for those nights.
my parents were on vacation for the week, i told them i was coming off ultram (they didnt know about my oxy use, i was getting vike es and other things for 6 months then went on ultram.) i figured it would be a good time to get off. i was on day 3 when they left.
i got to day 5, i got really drunk at my house with a very close friend who quit IV herion, and was clean for almsot a year. we just talked about it and shit, besides the PAWS, i was fine. I HAD THE MINDSET TO QUIT, i wanted to for every reason. while getting drunk, I LOST IT. I HAD NO MOVE WILL POWER, when a person called that has pills really really cheap, but only once in a while.so i caved, even though my friend tried talking me out of it.
so for about a week i used until my parents came back. today is day 1, and im fealing fine. i guess im lucky OR my prayers worked. lucky because i had a doctors appointment the day they came back. its a Doc that has specialty in depression, anxienty, etc.. i told him everything about getting off the ultram, how crummy im fealing, and how cymbalta did not work again. iv tried 50+ medicines for depression,anxienty, panic attacks. anyway he said im going to taper to 60mg cymbalta from 120mg. he said im going to take 60mg cymbalta and 20mg celexa (celexa is new to me)
THIS IS WHY IM LUCKY, OR PRAYER ANSWERED
during this time the doc was giving me Klonopins. .5mg a day, then i went to .25mg at night and then .25 in the morning. i said it wasnt working, and neither were they other meds. i also tell him that i cant sleep well, and nothing works for more then 2 days. iv tried a lot for that but nothing, i guess i get used to it by the 3rd night and im not tired by it. he asks he if the klonopin makes me tired, of course it didnt so i said the thruth.
THIS IS THE AMAZING PART
instead of getting 30 .5mg klonopin, he says that it seems i need more. i got 90
.5mg pills. i take 3 a day, with 60mg cymbalta, 20mg celexa, and 100mg seroqueal.
WILL POWER, is the hard part. its so easy to go back on. but so hard to keep STRONG! as i said before, iv had these mental probs before i got addicted to anything. since i was 13, im 18 now. after all these years of tying things almost nothing has helped. only thing that has helped is the klonopin, i still get really attacks, but it has saved me so much. now that im starting over, the klonopin and immodium is great. HONESTLY i have to WD
to shorten this all up:
1.iv hade problems with anxienty/panic attacks/depression since i was 13.so life has always been hard. now through quitting opiates, and everything WOULD get bad.
2. i know take 1.5mg klonopin a day, instead of the .5mg i was on. so far into day 1 again, im feeling fine. all is good. almost feel normal.iv been taking adderall or ritalin to counter the drunk fealing of klonopin. i hope im great tomarrow, because my High school grad party is tomarrow, and i do want to talk to the people and mingle.
3. I have said that im "lucky" because of getting an upped dose, and its greatly helping for anxienty and panic attacks. and is also easing the WD.
-HOWEVER-
iv been risen in a christian home, and just up until now i thought that there was no GOD. But for the past few weeks,iv been really praying. not going through the motions but actually praying, and asking for help. help in 3 ways. to be saved spiritually(go to heaven when i die) physically(save me from the physical side of opiate WD and mentally(to stay focused. its work for day 1.
ill clean this up tomarrow but i gotto go