Introduce Yourself

Status
Not open for further replies.
^Welcome to BL and to TDS!

hi..
i've been reading tds for a little bit, posting a little more. as someone wrote here, this part of the forum is kind of like the place where people want to get clean and have enough of the drug lifestyle. being almost 2 months sober, i relate to that, and a lot of the posts here are probably the best throughout all of BL.
i'm 19 years young. i'm currently finishing out my run in a 1/2 way house in philly, with 57 days clean, and going back to NYC and culinary school asap. i've been robbed at gun point, knife point, hit over the head with a pole, sold lots and lots of oxycontin, mdma, and pot. dealing pot was always second nature to me since i was 14, so it was only natural for me to escalate into other drugs last year.
theres a huge reservation i have to get high, as much as i love being sober and having a clear head, i just want that one more. i'm so sick that i've convinced myself that i can have just one more once i hit the xx day. i'm currently on my 1st step. i don't have a sponsor, i'm waiting til i can get a home group and check out different meetings. i would really like to have a relationship with a girl, but judging from my whole life, i always run back and forth between my parents, people and myself. i've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder and i've seen almost 10 therapists since i was 12.
i'd like to talk to people one on one, because i don't have many to talk to! this board is great, and i'm happyi started posting.

We're glad to have you!
Great work on your sobriety!
Culinary School is a great goal- and could offer you a great career! (I love to cook so I have thought of it a few times but never followed through)
Again, I'm really glad you've joined us and reached out- I hope to hear lots more from you <3
 
Hi all. Just wanted to introduce myself. Name's CatBird. Been lurking for a long time and only post now and then. Posting lately cause i'm feeling great deal of emotional pain, sometimes to the point where i fee like i can't stand it and i want to off myself. however, it is nice to read some of ya'lls stuff, cause i feel not so alone in m feelings. special thanks and props to Captain Heroin who seems to care and offer companionship to one and all. Anyway, that's my short intro. talk to you all soon.

- CB
 
Hi CatBird, welcome to The Dark Side :)
You're definitely not alone in here <3 I'm glad you decided to start posting, but I'm sorry to hear that it's because you're feeling so bad at the moment. Is there anything in particular that's going on in your life right now that's making you feel like this?
 
thanks n3ophy7e, for the welcome. there are a number of things, yes, that are making me feel this way, mostly guilt. i can tell you more later. suffice to say i fight tears all day at work and my job is stressfull and i feel like my brain is twisting and boiling. a big pot of rancid stew in aa pressure cooker. oh, this makes no sense. i'll try to post later. but thanks for your interest. it makes me feel a little tad better knowing someone is just reading this. and in this situation, a little tad better is, like, much better, if you know what i mean.
 
HI! I'm a Lazy White Fox. I run a flea market, I'm a DJ, and I'm also a drug addict. I found this site researching how safe adderall was. You see, I'm in recovery, but I'm still not sure how bad I want it. I like the honesty, the information, and the humor. I'm new, but I've always been very interested in the recreational drug user's world (obviously).
 
hi..
i've been reading tds for a little bit, posting a little more. as someone wrote here, this part of the forum is kind of like the place where people want to get clean and have enough of the drug lifestyle. being almost 2 months sober, i relate to that, and a lot of the posts here are probably the best throughout all of BL.
i'm 19 years young. i'm currently finishing out my run in a 1/2 way house in philly, with 57 days clean, and going back to NYC and culinary school asap. i've been robbed at gun point, knife point, hit over the head with a pole, sold lots and lots of oxycontin, mdma, and pot. dealing pot was always second nature to me since i was 14, so it was only natural for me to escalate into other drugs last year.
theres a huge reservation i have to get high, as much as i love being sober and having a clear head, i just want that one more. i'm so sick that i've convinced myself that i can have just one more once i hit the xx day. i'm currently on my 1st step. i don't have a sponsor, i'm waiting til i can get a home group and check out different meetings. i would really like to have a relationship with a girl, but judging from my whole life, i always run back and forth between my parents, people and myself. i've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder and i've seen almost 10 therapists since i was 12.
i'd like to talk to people one on one, because i don't have many to talk to! this board is great, and i'm happyi started posting.

Very interesting stuff... I'm in recovery also, but currently not clean/in the middle of a relapse. I had a year clean, but alas, no more. I'm not sure that these kind of sites are very healthy for us in our recovery. What do you think? But, then again, we're addicts. It doesn't have to be healthy for us to do it.
 
I am an eighteen year old girl who was very mislead this summer. My friends and I took on a life we never could have imagined for ourselves. We lived in parks... in crowds on twenty. Aged 15- 24. We lived for the night and suffered through the day. Never wanting sleep, but when it was necessary... choosing to be together.

Ketamine had taken over us. In the beginning it started with vials and mirrors with pristine white lines cut up. Kholes consisted of thinking crazy things and sometimes feeling your deepest fears. But still... you thought. Soon my closest friends and I escalated to balls of k and the needle. Shooting up was the new fad. we called it "the game". Do you play the game? Do you use needles? Everything was wrong but to think about it was...is unbearable.

The month of September and October involved me trying to quit. I didnt want to be that person. But really deep down.. I didnt want to quit. I wanted it so bad. All week Id be thinking about friday when I was allowed to get my fix. Really just to feel that little prick and then the falling. The easing into a place where you finally don't have to think.

One thursday... one month ago... I bought a ball of k, took one hit, started throwing up, and dont remember anything else until I wake up in hospital with tubes all in my arms. Long story a little bit shorter.... I overdosed and had complete heart and lung failure. The k was laced with crystal meth and I couldn't handle it. I was put into a coma, on life support, for six days...in hopes that my heart and lungs would have a chance to heal.

Im not sure how I made it through. I have so much more to say. I just wanted to start with that.
 
^^ Wow hun, thanks so much for sharing that with us. I am so glad to hear that you made it through the overdose <3 Have you used K since?

i'll try to post later. but thanks for your interest. it makes me feel a little tad better knowing someone is just reading this. and in this situation, a little tad better is, like, much better, if you know what i mean.

Of course, that's what we're here for CatBird :) <3 I look forward to hearing a bit more of your story when you're ready.


Hello and welcome lazy white fox :) It's an interesting point that you raised, about this place not being very conducive to staying clean. I think it varies from person to person, some people find discussing their sobriety and/or drug use very triggering, others find it motivating to stay clean. Sometimes I find the alcoholism thread extremely triggering to me (I'm an alcoholic) so whenever I'm going through a phase like that I just stay out of that particular thread ;)
Do you have plans/desire to get back on the sober wagon any time soon?
 
Guess I should put something here since I'm back in bluelight town...

Never thought I'd end up in TDS when I first joined BL about 6 years ago (under a different name)..
Back then it was all about mdma, LSD, mushrooms.. I was ridiculously optimistic and naive about the world.. everything was wondrous and amazing.

The past few years I have just been sitting on an opiate cloud/digging my life into a hole...

I think the hardest thing to deal with is loneliness.. Apparently somewhere with these drugs there is a bunch of users or community.. but I have never met any of them..besides the people who are still doing e's, who would never understand what it's like to be addicted.

I know it would be bad for me, but I would love to have even just one person to fall into the void with.. To share this experience with, to help come up with stupid schemes to get more money... to not feel quite as much embarassment when you are doing something pathetic just to get high, to feel bad for our lives, help each other out...

I still dont really know why I take drugs.. It was curiosity to begin with, but even from the first drink I had I felt like I *needed* something.. like it was relieving me of some pressure..

I haven't been able to deal with life without being at least a little high, and I tend towards wanting to send myself sailing out into oblivion rather than be just high enough to not feel anxious.. But then I'm sure everyone here is the same like that...

I've never reached the point of near-dying from overdose. although I've passed out plenty, blacked out for a day, woken up heading sideways across a road headed towards a cliff face, nearly died from internal bleeding..

Something about the sideways-downwards-spiralling-financially-unstable-lonely-depressed-fucked-up-ness of it all just makes it seem that much nicer when it's payday and things are OK.. that brings me back time and time again.

..I used to get my nod on from ~250mg codeine.. I couldn't get anywhere near that far anymore with having reached the ceiling dose.. but stronger opiates have so far evaded me. (it's a good thing in many ways.. but codeine is alot pricier than H from what I understand)


Honestly I am back here at bluelight to find people who understand these things... the good, the bad.. it's part of who i am and not being able to share life with anyone is killing me more than drugs are...
 
Last edited:
^Well, I am glad you decided to post again.
BL is a great online community and TDS is especially so.
Do read the TDS Guidelines though for future posting- we don't allow talk of current drug use (examples given in the Guidelines) b/c it can be triggering to people coming to TDS to try to come off of, or cut down use........
But there are so many people who will be able to relate to you here <3
I hope to see more of you around!!
 
hey thanks ocean.. didn't realise there was a separate guideline for TDS, edited my post a bit.. tried not to kill what I was saying without breaking the rules.. think people will still get the picture.. let me know if it's still a bit on edge.. it's hard to gauge how much to apply the rule.

After sitting here all afternoon it's made me realise how much I've missed bluelight :) A few years ago, before the fall.. my local music scene had a great forum presence too.. guess it reminds me of that back then when that was happening too... hope I can find a home of sorts here
 
Hi Cartesia, welcome back to BL :)
I think you'll find there are a LOT of people here in TDS who identify very closely with your story.
Where are you at right now with your usage? Are you trying to cut down, or thinking of quitting? Or are you happy with using and just trying to make sense of it all?
 
Hi Cartesia, welcome back to BL :)
I think you'll find there are a LOT of people here in TDS who identify very closely with your story.
Where are you at right now with your usage? Are you trying to cut down, or thinking of quitting? Or are you happy with using and just trying to make sense of it all?

I was trying to cut down after I got out of hospital... and had done so pretty well, but summer approaching here in australia has pretty much ruined that.. something about the scorching sun - it's like it has a drug effect of it's own, making everything seem like it's ok whether you are working on things in your life or not..
 
I'm in Sydney :)
And see, I'm the opposite with summer. The heat debilitates me. Winter is my happy time :)

So you mentioned hospital, when were you in there and what for? You don't have to answer if you're not comfortable doing so of course.
 
Hey im 24 years old, I work as a stonemason and I have an unsatiable hunger for mind expanding chemicals. Sometimes however I feel maybe I have overstepped some boundaries, that given the choice I wouldnt have crossed. These times leave me grappling with various notions of reality, maybe Im just still having difficulty integrating several very intense psychedelic experiences. Maybe I am better off having these questions to ask, I cant be sure
 
I'm in Sydney :)
And see, I'm the opposite with summer. The heat debilitates me. Winter is my happy time :)

So you mentioned hospital, when were you in there and what for? You don't have to answer if you're not comfortable doing so of course.

Winter is not without it's good points.. I think in the eastern states you guys have it a bit nicer.. Being blown on all winter by antarctic winds/storms is not so great.. but I am always glad to see it come around after summer (I love autumn too!) . Maybe it's more just the change in seasons I enjoy..

As for the hospital thing - this is me:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=532504

(think you already saw it/commented)
 
Last edited:
I have a feeling that I will be reading/posting a good bit here in TDS. I am trying to get over my opiate infatuation. I am currently on suboxone right now, but I just lost my health insurance because I missed a payment. I have enough sub to last me a month, then I don't know what I will do.

I am depressed, non-motivated, poor, working a dead-end job, with a shitload of debt. I really hope that I can pull myself out of my hopelessness. I mean, I still have many blessings...I have a roof over my head, heat, and a car (for now), but I am just about out of steam.

I wish I were never born. Life is such a damn burden. Everyday, I mumble to myself the mantra, "I wanna kill myself", over and over multiple times a day. Not that I am really gonna kill myself, but that I just wish I never existed. Truthfully, I am not brave enough to kill myself...my biological urge to live is stronger than my dreams of non-existence.

I don't know exactly why I am posting this for strangers to read....I mean I don't know what this is supposed to accomplish, but I'm going to post it anyway.
 
^^ Hi bewhylder, welcome to The Dark Side <3
I think the first thing you need to think about doing is to get that mantra out of your head!! That is not helping you mate. Negativity begets negativity, the more you chant negative things over and over in your mind, the more depressed and helpless you will feel.
Okay, so you know that in one month you'll run out of sub. What's your plan? When was the last time you saw a doctor or a drug counsellor? Maybe you can book an appointment to see someone, sooner rather than later.

As for the hospital thing - this is me:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=532504

(think you already saw it/commented)

Ahh yes I recall that thread, I knew I'd seen you somewhere more specifically :)
Where abouts are you? Tassie?

ImtheOcean said:
Hey im 24 years old, I work as a stonemason and I have an unsatiable hunger for mind expanding chemicals. Sometimes however I feel maybe I have overstepped some boundaries, that given the choice I wouldnt have crossed. These times leave me grappling with various notions of reality, maybe Im just still having difficulty integrating several very intense psychedelic experiences. Maybe I am better off having these questions to ask, I cant be sure
Hi mate, welcome to The Dark Side <3
I also love psychedelics, and with that comes the respect for their power. Do you want to stop using psychs? How frequently are you using them?
 
I'm in adelaide, looking at moving east early next year.. brisbane, wollongong, melbourne.. all possibilities. 95% sure I'll be leaving adelaide though.
 
Hello dear people.
I am pretty new here but I've been lurking for years on this web-site.
I have many problems, but who doesn't? I feel anxious and insecure about my life, as I hit 20s it seems that I entered a whole new world and soon enough I had a problem dealing with it. Problems within my family drove me over the edge and after years it didn't get any better but worse.
I stopped enjoying life, became very depressed and failed at killing myself once. I started smoking weed two years ago but it lead me nowhere to the point that I couldn't handle to stay sober for most of the evenings being burdened with thoughts and general unsatisfaction. When I don't have cannabis to let things go I drink but it never brings any satisfaction. Today I had 5 beers and 5 shots, it's 1 am and I feel sober. I started taking Fluoxetine a year ago and while it helped for a couple of months, I even stopped smoking, I hit the rock bottom over the summer and stopped taking it. Then I relapsed back into using as much tobacco as before and even more alcohol and cannabis...
I have 1 semester left before graduating with honors, one BS major and two minors but studying and performing in life gets worse and worse over time. I don't know how I can maintain all of that up to this moment. I have a very good relationship but while it helped me to cope with my issues for some time now it's been about a year since we started dating (the chemical reaction of being high on love died and got replaced with deep respect and friendship) and while I am satisfied with it, it doesn't bring much more happiness above the base-line and I started using more drugs... I am trying to quit smoking so much cannabis since I can't afford it (I live on a poverty line these days - student loans and a lousy part-time job - and I realized that I pay rent and utilities I have to save money on good groceries, new clothing and other essentials to support my alcohol/tobacco/cannabis habits). My g/f is supportive but I know she doesn't like it where I am at now and I realized that an almost straight-edge "regular" person sometimes can't relate or understand well another person with addiction problems and major depressions.
I can't spill my guts to my only relative left around me - my mother - who deals with a lot of issues in her life and I would rather pretend to be OK than to drag her down, especially after in the past she dealt with my depressions and it affected her enough that I realized it's not an option to get her involved.
I just want to be happy, be able to breath fresh morning air and smile, be happy for no reason and have no need for daily boosters to keep myself afloat. I am tired of waking up with anxiety clenching my body, starring at the ceiling fighting insomnia, pretending to be happy wanting finally to have some peace of mind and rest...
I am just glad I didn't get hooked on heroin or other drugs perfect for escapism, otherwise I would be oh so lost by now and hopeless knowing my addictive personality and desire to escape far away from myself and this fucked up world..
It's been very difficult nonetheless. I don't feel enough strength, character and will power to handle things myself, I am overcome by guilt and dissatisfaction with myself and the things around me. It's so hard to combat this..
I know that I will graduate but I have no idea what happens next (my degrees are not very useful in the capitalistic consumerist society of modern U.S.). I try to get off from smoking cannabis and drinking everyday even if it is not always in high amounts and I know that the only way for me to do it is to stay away from it completely until my life gets into place and I can afford it. But I am afraid that I can't do it..
I felt completely alive and happy only a couple of times this year when I discovered Methylone and Mephedrone but after a moderate use over two months I realize that I can't live only to look forward for another weekend when I can feel a similar feeling and then crush myself with a comedown for the next day or so.. To feel even worse as a result.. And even more guilt.
My goal is to have a couple of big hedonistic drug-influenced days when I can escape at least for a bit, have a little "vacation" from unbearable reality and then get myself focused on finishing the degree and start taking a better care of my health. I know it's not the best strategy but those are the things I am looking forward to and I would rather do it step by step then face the unbearable void right away.
Makes me think of my childhood when simple things were enough and I was happy just because I was alive. Would I ever be able to live in a similar way, laugh and smile from heart and not due to social pressures?.. I don't know. I wish I could have different brains. My brains never worked for me as I wanted them.
I can't afford a psychiatrist and so far I try to use Fluoxetine prescribed for my depression once again but I find it very ineffective. I started to doubt that there's such a magical anti-depressant that will solve my issues. There's none. I've got the head I have from birth and I just have to live with it. Of course some traits of my personality and my mind I find very interesting but it doesn't feel that it's a good trade-off.

I am not religious at all and the existential questions for me are not answered. How come I had no choice in whether I want to be born or not, be who I am or not be who I am? I don't believe in god or karma, and life just seems to be way too much trouble but dying I can't allow as I feel responsible for my mother, my g/f and a few friends I have. Since I have just one try I feel that I have to just clench my teeth and try to make life to be the way I want it to be, however so far it seems to be too much to handle.

Thank you.
Thank you for reading this post, it just feels right to share my thoughts with fellow blue-lighters.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top