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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Introduce Yourself! Version: Hello! Hola! Bonjour! 你好!

@ Pupils, welcome home. I hope you can stick with it. As one that purposely traded an opiate addiction for a speed addiction, I can tell you that it isn't the smartest way to go about it. Obviously you know this, but I thought it would be worthwhile to reiterate.

I second the motion to get rid of the pills. I'm not blowing hot air up your ass when I say this. Yesterday I shredded two Adderall scripts due today. You think you feel better knowing they are there but really they are nothing but fetters to temptation and your old life.

@SatsnsChicken, welcome aboard! You've definitely come to the right place for what ails you.
 
On day three of no opiates but I've only been using on the wkends for the past couple mths so every Wednesday is day three. Hoping I can fight the urge when I get paid on Friday cause I really hate day three clean. Thats when the wd really hit me. I'm scared to death of the sober life. Something I've never done long enough to be comfortable in. I'm a single mom and four kids depend on me. In the past 6 mths I've seen 7 people die of od in my town and that scares me more than anything. I feel completely alone in my battle. I have friends that either use or hate people that do. I've done pretty well at keeping my addiction a secret but its starting to get out of control. I'm posting this with my phone cause I spent all my money on h instead of paying my bills. I've never done that before. I've always been good at hiding the junkie inside of me. No one in my life knows. But they will soon if I keep at it. Thankfully there are sites like this. I've been checking this site out for a while and have found some wicked good info that you just can't get in the real world. I use to look up how to do the drugs I wanted and now I need to look up how to not do those same drugs. There are lots of great people on here and I hope I can keep coming back to find the strength to not buy anything this Friday. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, if so just let me know.
 
mommalette1010 said:
. I use to look up how to do the drugs I wanted and now I need to look up how to not do those same drugs.
Click to expand...

You are certainly not alone in that regard--many people have that history with Bluelight. :\

How old are your kids? It's a lot to deal with to be a single parent, having no real support for detoxing and WDs. Have you thought about meetings at all? I only say that because it might be a way to meet another mom that is going through the same thing and you could help each other out? It sounds like you live in a small place and anonymity might be a big concern.

Welcome to Bluelight. Keep posting and draw on the support of everyone here that is struggling right along with you. It's amazing what power there is in a community.<3
 
Thank you herbavore. I have major trust issues with the universe so please don't take offense but I don't like to give out details about my kids. I will say I have 4 of them. Another problem with my trust issues is that my circle of supporters is slim to none. So basicly my kids are my reasons for doing anything. But hey I made it through payday with out getting anything.
 
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Hi everyone,

My name is Mike. I first discovered BL a long time ago when I was trying to find out more information on certain chemicals I liked taking at parties. I didn't think much about registering at the time. However, search engines have brought me back to BL and I took it as a sign to register and become part of. Glad I did. TDS seems like a good way to get support or just share your experience.
 
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Hey, all.
I'm phazoKnight (pronounced /ˌfeɪzə̆ˈnaɪtʼ/, but /ˌfeɪzoʊˈnaɪtʼ/ works, too). Or just phazo; it doesn't really matter. I'm currently in my 20s and a long-time bearer of depression, having had it gradually progress over the years since I became a victim to puberty.

I ran briefly into this place before my addiction reared its ugly head while doing research on recreational drugs and depression. I was later formally introduced to Bluelight by a brave soul whom I'm extremely fortunate and lucky to have crossed paths with (he knows who he is :)) who brought up this site enough times to get me to register (ultimately out of curiosity). I started off with alcohol, at the peak of my depression, and quickly moved to cannabis as a way of coping. The continuous using of cannabis went on for a few years until I discovered meth. I started out smoking, but as soon as I slammed, that did it. As a student, the stress and anxiety of academics fed my depression and made it extremely difficult to cope, thus resulting in this faux dependency to my addiction. My pursuit of "easily" excelling, while using, in academia quickly resulted in my downfall. A tidal wave of unfortunate events (failing grades, loss of work, loss of education, loss of friends, enhancement of depression...all due to my using) almost had me taking my life. I realized then that I'd hit a low point.


This has ultimately left me with almost no connection to anyone; withdrawing became my simple solution.

Enough of the sob story. I am currently in the process of my recovery and slowly, but surely, gaining confidence in myself. Stupid decisions and lack of impulse control brought me to where I am now, but now I'm trying to re-build these bridges I've burned down, as well as create new ones here, hopefully. Depression is a constant battle as it has me drifting away every now and then. But it feels good to know I'm in a community that I can relate to.

Life feels better when you know you're not alone.:)
 
Welcome, widowmaker. problems have a way of compounding, don't they? I'm sorry that you are overwhelmed. Jump in and get support. Sometimes the sheer act of giving support to someone else that shares your same struggle can change your own in a positive way. I'm glad you found your way here. If there is anything I can help with, you can always send me a PM.
 
hello,
i'm luggage, i'm a 21 year old senior in college. i started going to a shrink because of problems with depression and ADHD, which i've had most of my life.

i slept poorly because i was on the computer, in bed, late at night, distracted by the plethora of new sites and people to talk to- when i first got to college, it was the first time i had a laptop, the first time i had open, personal internet access. i never had insomnia, i was just more interested in the internet than sleep, and had god-awful sleep hygiene. my shrink asked me multiple times to try a sleeping pill, and one day i decided to try it. one of the worst decisions i've ever made!!!

i am addicted to prescription drugs. i started taking ambien a few years ago even though i didn't need to, and became physically dependent after 8 months. it gave me an anxiety disorder, so i started taking benzos to counteract that. the benzos really messed me up, i was almost neurotic, all sorts of emotional and cognitive problems. but, through all of this, i didn't even know what was happening to me. i took my prescription meds as my doctor prescribed, rarely (and i mean rarely) taking more than the prescribed dose for a high of some kind. i never questioned that the doctor was giving me medicine that would make me better, and didn't even connect the problems i was having to the pills until about a week ago (i had such bad DP and motor skill problems that a medical line i called thought i was having a stroke and tried to get me an ambulance).

my goal is to get off of the meds i'm on- i'm clean off ambien and currently going through withdrawal from 1.5 years of max dose. in a few weeks, i'll start tapering from lorazepam. i'm not sure if i'm going to want to stop taking ritalin after that- i haven't had many problems with it, but who knows? it might have just been hard to notice it with the glaring pain/problems of benzo/Z-drug dependence, so i'll cross that bridge when i get there.

i have add and depression in general. benzo stuff has given me lots of other issues.
 
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Welcome to Bluelight and TDS. I think it is always a good idea to first try to meet life head on developing real strategies for a healthy emotional and intellectual life without substances. Both legal and illegal drugs (arbitrary distinction) come with a price and you want to be able to use them only when you truly need to or for recreation that you are in control of. Ritalin makes studying a lot easier but can contribute to depression on the daily comedowns as well as in general over time--one drug leads to another.8)

Check out this website for coming off various meds, as well as this one for the benzos

Again, welcome and congrats on the laptop.:)<3
 
Hello, I'm bluebellbutterfly. Why I am I here? Just starting day four of cleanliness. Doing it on my own (I learned very early on that the only person I can ever rely on is myself) but reading these threads are certainly great support and remind me that I'm not the only one with demons to battle.
 
Hello. Just a brief introduction. I'm a 35 year old female who had 15 years clean under my belt. Then last week I picked up heroin again, and it's like I never stopped. The very few people that know say it's not really surprising - in the past 18 months, three people who,were close to me died or were killed, I nearly died of an infection, I got cancer, went through chemo and radiation and went into remission, only to develop a painful autoimmune disease. I'm not responding to the normal drugs, so I have to go an a chemo that'll most likely make my cancer come back - and if it comes back, the chances of survival are pretty bad. But even with all that, I'm not ready to give up. I'm scrambling to find some help, keeping in mind that I have always hated the NA/AA model. I'm hoping I'll pick up some useful info in this sub forum before I travel too far into the land of addiction.
 
I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through! I hope that the friends that do know are people that you can count on for support. Sounds like with everything physical you are dealing with you might not be going out that much so maybe check out some SMART Recovery meetings online? In addition to that and the support you can get here (particularly here in TDS and in Sober Living) have you considered counseling? What you are going through is absolutely horrendous. My heart really goes out to you.
 
Hi everyone.

I'll try to introduce myself but it's never easy.

One day of October 1993 I was born. Second child of my parents. I have an older sister (A) (two years).
One day of May 1994 my mum Sylvie died. Cancer.

Before she died she asked my godmother (C) to take care of us. My father (J) needed it as he told me way later. As this time He didn't see himself able to raise us alone.
So my godmother became my mother of replacement.

Being only 6 months or so at my mum death I had no memories and accepted C. as my mother.
On the other hand A had difficulties to accept this new person.

She, C, destroyed my childhood instead of trying to make it better.

After Baccalaureat my sister left the house.
I did it too, just later.
We needed to run away as home was toxic.

One day of May 2012 my grandfather J, died. Alzheimer - Cancer. Same day (by will) as my mother, his daughter.
I'm so proud of him.

My "parents" decided to make us pay everything we needed for our life brutally. The heritage being the answer.

Since money came in my account I only spent it. Never gain my money as I knew I didn't need it.
Truth is I'm bankrupt for a month or so. Not my sister who had the same amount at my grandfather death.

Today
My kitty whom I had for two months and was four months only died four days ago.
I'm in the train, to sign the sale of J's flat. Split 50/50 with A. Bankable again.

How will I handle my money this time?
Better. But it's scaring me. More money. More power. I can do what I want.
I'm independant for a moment.

I'm also high IQ, not for bragging about it but because it's a big part of who I am.
 
Hi, my name is Gennavieve. I have been clean from cutting and self harm for 4 months now. I have been off my medication for 6 months and I am on the road to complete recovery.

I was diagnosed with severe depression freshman year of high school. It was so long ago but I can still remember. That year I was perfectly happy up until I learned that my only friend was not the person I thought she was. My best friend was bipolar, suicidal, depressed, and had sociopathic tendencies. When I found this out I tried to help her. I would stay up and skype with her late into the night to give her company and make her feel like she wasnt alone. She in turn, used my kindness to her advantage. After she was comfortable with me she started cutting in front of me to see my reactions. She started feeding off the emotions she could get out of me. While she would cut herself and burn herself in front of me she would say it was my fault and she would blame me openly for all her pain. As a young girl I had no idea how to handle this. I ended up falling into the same addiction. I started cutting on my own alone just to deal with the mental attacks my friend was torturing me with. After watching her tear up her arms she would cry until she threw up and all i could do was watch on the other side of the computer screen. Towards the end of that Freshman year I got her help and left the school.

My recovery was never as quick as her recovery was. I was prescribed Prozac and Seroquel and had been taking it regularly for 4 years. Between severe anxiety attacks and what is now seasonal depression I have also suffered from the mental trauma of being raped once and two others attempting to rape me. I decided to stop taking my medication this year after I OD on seroquel resulting in me sleeping unconscious for a couple days. So, after suffering even more from depression and from my addiction to self harm I slowly tapered off and I am now clean from all self harm.

I hope I can help others who have similar struggles and give them hope of recovery.
 
Thank goodness that you were able to get yourself out of that complicated web! What ever happened to your friend? You have an awful lot to be proud of and I really admire you for taking care of yourself at such a young age. Welcome to Bluelight and the recovery forums in particular. Ironically, I just got off the phone with my cousin who is worried about one of her daughters who is cutting and also anorexic. We spent a lot of time talking about what the roots of it may be but I will be spending some time with my nie<3ce this summer and anything you can tell me that might have helped you coming from an adult in your life at the time, would be really welcome. Feel free to PM me.
 
Hello all I have been lurking around Bluelight for some time now and only just recently officially joined. This is my first message board and so far has been everything that I thought it would be. Just a little information about myself and what brings me to The Dark Side.

I am 25 year old man from Ohio. I have lived here all of my life and come from a nice family background. I have been fortunate enough to always have great support in my life, which I am finally beginning to appreciate after so many years. I began using marijuana and alcohol at the age of 15, and it was out of control from the start. This led me to seek out harder drugs at a rapid pace. I wanted to try and abuse them all and more often then anyone else I knew. Once I began there were no boundaries set for myself, because I did not care. I am not sure where that part of me came from, because it was literally the exact opposite of who I was before it all began. Psychedelics were my thing and I abused the shit out of them, completely taken in by my psychotic delusions of grandeur. I was a monster and I would not stop. I thought I was so in sync with everything and the universe, when in reality I could not have been more far from the truth. My addictive personality led me further and further into my psychosis, and this would prove to last a considerably long time as I continue to deal with it to this day.

I have been off hard drugs for almost two years now though I still smoke weed every day. I am bi-polar and treat it with Lamictal and Ativan daily. My anxiety was pre existent before the drgs but my overuse of psychedelics, particularly LSD and MDMA, made it much worse after so many difficult experiences. I respect drugs much more then I did and admit I was far too immature to be using the chemicals I used. I am in a better place now but still struggle with my addiction to marijuana and benzos, something I have come to accept as right now it keeps me sane.

I still consider myself to be in a much be in a much better position then in the past. My focus now is making ammends to my family for all of the pain I have caused them. I come here now to talk about my problems, share my experiences and hopefully help someone somehow. I really wish I had known about this place when I was at my worst because the support here is incredibly genuine and non judgemental. It is truly refreshing to discover a group I can relate to.
 
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