percozakk
Bluelighter
Hey guys.
Im Zakk, a 19 year old male from the US. This is actually my first time in TDS, though I have been a member of bluelight since 2009 or so. I was the kind of kid who wanted to learn as much information about as many substances as possible. Since before I started using I had a fascination with mind altering substances.
I am at a total loss right now so I thought It couldn't hurt to just speak my thoughts and maybe get some feed back. I'm not even sure if this is what I'm supposed to do here but I'll go ahead.
A little history. When I was 13 I started smoking marijuana, within 6 months I had discovered prescription opiates. By 14 I was using opiates regularly and at 15 I began injecting them. I was expelled from 10th grade for having syringes at school and was court ordered to my first rehab. I was there for 4 months and soon relapse after I left. I IV'D a few times but violated my probation. Was sent to drug court and started very heavily smoking spice. I violated drug court and was sent to a 6 month program. I got out in July of last year. I was clean for about a month then began using again. Very quickly I picked up the needle and it was worse than ever before. This is when I was introduced to hydromorphone. I went to treatment again in September of last year. I got out and was on suboxone but I was then introduced to IVing crystal methamphetamine. So I began selling the suboxone to support a very rapidly progressing meth habit. I spun out of control by December. I sold everything I owed including my truck for a mere $600. I began stealing guns from my grandfather. In December I went to another treatment center, getting released in January. I soon started doing heroin and was back in treatment by march. I got out in April and the first night I was home I started using meth. I did this for about a month and a half when I decided I needed to stop. So I started drinking heavily. In August I was back in treatment for alcohol. I was so convinced I had it this time, I thought I could make it. I was just released in September. Well I have been smoking marijuana for quite awhile now. I did get the first job I've had in a year. But in last 2 weeks or so I have started injecting meth and dilaudid again. And I just don't know what to do. I know that sooner then later I will be back in a hole, living just to get high and doing whatever I have to do to make it happen. I don't know if I can go back to treatment and disappoint everyone. I feel like I'm at the end here. I've tried 12 step programs, treatments and therapy. I am diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.
I just don't know how and why I react this way to drugs. How I am this susceptible to addiction? Why does it drag me down so quickly when there are others that have been using since before I was born and they aren't anywhere near where I am. I just feel like the scum of the earth. The biggest regret of my life is ever picking up a needle. I'm really sorry about writing all of this, and I'm sorry if this shouldn't be here. I just had to get this out there.
Im Zakk, a 19 year old male from the US. This is actually my first time in TDS, though I have been a member of bluelight since 2009 or so. I was the kind of kid who wanted to learn as much information about as many substances as possible. Since before I started using I had a fascination with mind altering substances.
I am at a total loss right now so I thought It couldn't hurt to just speak my thoughts and maybe get some feed back. I'm not even sure if this is what I'm supposed to do here but I'll go ahead.
A little history. When I was 13 I started smoking marijuana, within 6 months I had discovered prescription opiates. By 14 I was using opiates regularly and at 15 I began injecting them. I was expelled from 10th grade for having syringes at school and was court ordered to my first rehab. I was there for 4 months and soon relapse after I left. I IV'D a few times but violated my probation. Was sent to drug court and started very heavily smoking spice. I violated drug court and was sent to a 6 month program. I got out in July of last year. I was clean for about a month then began using again. Very quickly I picked up the needle and it was worse than ever before. This is when I was introduced to hydromorphone. I went to treatment again in September of last year. I got out and was on suboxone but I was then introduced to IVing crystal methamphetamine. So I began selling the suboxone to support a very rapidly progressing meth habit. I spun out of control by December. I sold everything I owed including my truck for a mere $600. I began stealing guns from my grandfather. In December I went to another treatment center, getting released in January. I soon started doing heroin and was back in treatment by march. I got out in April and the first night I was home I started using meth. I did this for about a month and a half when I decided I needed to stop. So I started drinking heavily. In August I was back in treatment for alcohol. I was so convinced I had it this time, I thought I could make it. I was just released in September. Well I have been smoking marijuana for quite awhile now. I did get the first job I've had in a year. But in last 2 weeks or so I have started injecting meth and dilaudid again. And I just don't know what to do. I know that sooner then later I will be back in a hole, living just to get high and doing whatever I have to do to make it happen. I don't know if I can go back to treatment and disappoint everyone. I feel like I'm at the end here. I've tried 12 step programs, treatments and therapy. I am diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.
I just don't know how and why I react this way to drugs. How I am this susceptible to addiction? Why does it drag me down so quickly when there are others that have been using since before I was born and they aren't anywhere near where I am. I just feel like the scum of the earth. The biggest regret of my life is ever picking up a needle. I'm really sorry about writing all of this, and I'm sorry if this shouldn't be here. I just had to get this out there.
cool name, welcome to the forum! We're all lost in some way or another, at least we have each other 
. I hope you can find some support here in TDS 
