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ActiqAnnie
Bluelighter
I'm really glad to come across this thread. I've been reading BL for years but finally joined, and it's really interesting to read what others have to say about their relationships with drugs and BL.
I'm absolutely an addict. I certainly wasn't in the beginning. I'm chronically ill and ended up with a pain management dr who took me off the lower oxycodone doses I'd been on for a year (and NEVER abused, used up early or craved) and gave me fentanyl and Opana (oxymorphone) and hydromorphone...all the while telling me that addiction is very very rare in true pain patients. HA!
Now I go through a REALLY fun ritual every month of blowing through at least 20 100mcg fentanyl patches in a week. Then I turn to the oxymorphone or hydromorphone and blow through that. Then I end up with 1-2 weeks of w/d on minimal amounts of old patches. Truly this is no way to live.
Being sick, I lost my job. So I'm at home all day. I have no life aside from the drugs. I don't exactly use them to "get high". I just want to be unconscious. I don't experience euphoria. Never have. But the fentanyl can knock me out. I had to spend 65 days in the hospital recently and they were giving me 1200mcg fentanyl lollipops every 2 hours - that's a crazy dose. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I used to be the girl that lots of guys looked at. I liked dressing well, I was social. Now I don't bother to leave the house.
But the thing I most don't understand is why I am so ambivalent about quitting. Shouldn't I want desperately to stop?
I'm absolutely an addict. I certainly wasn't in the beginning. I'm chronically ill and ended up with a pain management dr who took me off the lower oxycodone doses I'd been on for a year (and NEVER abused, used up early or craved) and gave me fentanyl and Opana (oxymorphone) and hydromorphone...all the while telling me that addiction is very very rare in true pain patients. HA!
Now I go through a REALLY fun ritual every month of blowing through at least 20 100mcg fentanyl patches in a week. Then I turn to the oxymorphone or hydromorphone and blow through that. Then I end up with 1-2 weeks of w/d on minimal amounts of old patches. Truly this is no way to live.
Being sick, I lost my job. So I'm at home all day. I have no life aside from the drugs. I don't exactly use them to "get high". I just want to be unconscious. I don't experience euphoria. Never have. But the fentanyl can knock me out. I had to spend 65 days in the hospital recently and they were giving me 1200mcg fentanyl lollipops every 2 hours - that's a crazy dose. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I used to be the girl that lots of guys looked at. I liked dressing well, I was social. Now I don't bother to leave the house.
But the thing I most don't understand is why I am so ambivalent about quitting. Shouldn't I want desperately to stop?
Hi ArtiqAnnie, welcome to The Dark Side 
It's heartbreaking to hear your story. I want to punch that pain management doc in the head, quite frankly.
I don't think it's strange that you don't really want to quit, I suspect that would be quite common for people in your situation, unfortunately. It may be because you know that it's possibly going to be very hard to quit? I know that fear too, I've been an alcoholic for about 6 years and often come close to quitting, but not quite.
Anyway, there are a lot of pain management patients right here in TDS who will be able to offer you lots of advice and support, I hope you enjoy your time here
It's heartbreaking to hear your story. I want to punch that pain management doc in the head, quite frankly.
I don't think it's strange that you don't really want to quit, I suspect that would be quite common for people in your situation, unfortunately. It may be because you know that it's possibly going to be very hard to quit? I know that fear too, I've been an alcoholic for about 6 years and often come close to quitting, but not quite.
Anyway, there are a lot of pain management patients right here in TDS who will be able to offer you lots of advice and support, I hope you enjoy your time here
TINK
Bluelighter
ArtiqAnnie - n3o is right. I am a pain management patient. I have been suffering since 1995 (officially) I was addicted for over 8 years to ever and any opiate they would give me. I have been sober going on almost 5 years. I did not want to recover nor did I want to admit I was addicted. But, interesting thing that happened once I got over the physical and emotional withdrawls, my pain levels decreased. I then learned alternative ways to deal with my pain. Please PM me if you want to talk.
and welcome
and welcome
sarcophagus.heels
Bluelighter
[originally posted this elsewhere, but realized this was probably a more fitting location.]
Never posted in TDS, but figured I'd go for it. Well, I'm 20, in college, and have in some capacity or another been using drugs as a means of escape since early high school. My worst stints with drugs have been an 8 month addiction to oxy my junior year of high school, a near constant use of DXM my senior year, and an alcohol problem that landed me in the hospital last year. My emotional stability's always been really terrible, being very prone to depression and feelings of terrible emptiness and loneliness, but I had been alright until recently. It's always the silliest thing that sets me off, but anyway, this time it was a complicated romantic situation between my best friend and a guy friend of ours - me and my friend both had really strong feelings for the guy and it resulted in some awful tension. Anyway, now the two of them are together and it's for some reason caused all of my collection of anxieties, insecurities, and self-loathing to come by and say hello, and it's been sort of awful. I've just been smacked with this terrible wave of despondency and feeling very distant and disconnected from everyone, and so I have been doing a lot of crying and sort of spiraling inwards.
I'm mostly worried that I'll end up falling back on old habits. Prior to a brief oxy relapse a couple of months ago, I had been more stable than I have been in a long while, but I for indefinable reasons lost grip on that stability, and even more so now.
Anyway, I'm procrastinating writing a final paper for the trimester and studying for a physics (my emotional breakdown unfortunately coincided with my finals week), and should probably get on that at some point. I apologize for the obnoxiously long post, I just really needed to vent and don't really know what else to do.
Never posted in TDS, but figured I'd go for it. Well, I'm 20, in college, and have in some capacity or another been using drugs as a means of escape since early high school. My worst stints with drugs have been an 8 month addiction to oxy my junior year of high school, a near constant use of DXM my senior year, and an alcohol problem that landed me in the hospital last year. My emotional stability's always been really terrible, being very prone to depression and feelings of terrible emptiness and loneliness, but I had been alright until recently. It's always the silliest thing that sets me off, but anyway, this time it was a complicated romantic situation between my best friend and a guy friend of ours - me and my friend both had really strong feelings for the guy and it resulted in some awful tension. Anyway, now the two of them are together and it's for some reason caused all of my collection of anxieties, insecurities, and self-loathing to come by and say hello, and it's been sort of awful. I've just been smacked with this terrible wave of despondency and feeling very distant and disconnected from everyone, and so I have been doing a lot of crying and sort of spiraling inwards.
I'm mostly worried that I'll end up falling back on old habits. Prior to a brief oxy relapse a couple of months ago, I had been more stable than I have been in a long while, but I for indefinable reasons lost grip on that stability, and even more so now.
Anyway, I'm procrastinating writing a final paper for the trimester and studying for a physics (my emotional breakdown unfortunately coincided with my finals week), and should probably get on that at some point. I apologize for the obnoxiously long post, I just really needed to vent and don't really know what else to do.
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^Welcome to TDS!!
Hopefully you're writing your paper now
Hope things work out and that you find support and comfort here
Hopefully you're writing your paper now
Hope things work out and that you find support and comfort here
WyldOrchid5150
Bluelighter
Hello All Another BLighter suggested I check out this area, for advice and understanding, I apologize in advance if I say or speak of something i shouldn't. Four years ago I became very ill. Two heart attacks,aggresive coranary artery disease, heart disease, 3 stents, diabetes, nerve damage, statin myopathy...bone wracking pain, at 38 years old. Doctors upon doctors used me as a lab rat for new meds for the pain, nothing worked...except opioids. And no one wanted to prescribe them,no one believed me, statin myopathy is still a grey area in some doctors minds. After 3 years, my cardiologist gave me 5/500 Vics, 30 at a time. Then we moved to another state, and still the same story. I have talked, pleaded, begged, reasoned, and threatened for years for help, and studied every avenue I could find and still end up back at opioids. It is not what I want, but it has to be, and I want to get advice from people who know what they are talking about, hence...BL. I can't work anymore,(I was a gardener for a private residence and nursery) and my life consists mostly of sitting in a chair, days in bed, or on good days, a walk on the beach. I am determined to get relife from this hell, by hook or by crook, for my muscle pain and neuropathy. They have given my 10 years to live, that would put my due date at 52, and that just sucks, but thats the breaks. So I read, and hope to find an answer or advice, on how to get by. Sorry for the diatribe, it just gives me hope that their are people out there who 'get it' and maybe can point me on a path that does not involve opioids. In the last six months, I am ashamed to say, suicide has entered my mind. The pain is so encompassing, nothing else gets in, and I feel I have already lost my life, so to speak. I haven't had any pain meds in 6 months, but I wish they could just find a happy medium for me. Thank y'all for listening
Another BLighter suggested I check out this area, for advice and understanding, I apologize in advance if I say or speak of something i shouldn't. Four years ago I became very ill. Two heart attacks,aggresive coranary artery disease, heart disease, 3 stents, diabetes, nerve damage, statin myopathy...bone wracking pain, at 38 years old. Doctors upon doctors used me as a lab rat for new meds for the pain, nothing worked...except opioids. And no one wanted to prescribe them,no one believed me, statin myopathy is still a grey area in some doctors minds. After 3 years, my cardiologist gave me 5/500 Vics, 30 at a time. Then we moved to another state, and still the same story. I have talked, pleaded, begged, reasoned, and threatened for years for help, and studied every avenue I could find and still end up back at opioids. It is not what I want, but it has to be, and I want to get advice from people who know what they are talking about, hence...BL. I can't work anymore,(I was a gardener for a private residence and nursery) and my life consists mostly of sitting in a chair, days in bed, or on good days, a walk on the beach. I am determined to get relife from this hell, by hook or by crook, for my muscle pain and neuropathy. They have given my 10 years to live, that would put my due date at 52, and that just sucks, but thats the breaks. So I read, and hope to find an answer or advice, on how to get by. Sorry for the diatribe, it just gives me hope that their are people out there who 'get it' and maybe can point me on a path that does not involve opioids. In the last six months, I am ashamed to say, suicide has entered my mind. The pain is so encompassing, nothing else gets in, and I feel I have already lost my life, so to speak. I haven't had any pain meds in 6 months, but I wish they could just find a happy medium for me. Thank y'all for listeningHi WyldOrchid, welcome the The Dark Side
I personally don't have any experience with pain management but I really do feel for you and your situation. Are you averse to opioid pain management, or are your current doctors not going to prescribe them? If so, could you perhaps try a different doctor (I'm sure you've seen you fair share, and the next person's and the next person's share of doctors already). Is there a university near you who possibly has a Pain Management Research centre?? Just thinking aloud here.
Also, just in regards to your suicidal thoughts, please don't feel ashamed for having those thoughts, or for admitting to having them. Suicidal thoughts enter our mind when the pain (be it emotional or physical) surpasses our current ability to cope. There is no shame in that. However, you must always remember that each day brings new opportunities and surprises, so it's always worth just waiting one more day and seeing how you feel. If you're having a really bad day and suicide is on your mind, if you just wait for the next day to come around, chances are you will feel better and you'll be glad you stuck around
I personally don't have any experience with pain management but I really do feel for you and your situation. Are you averse to opioid pain management, or are your current doctors not going to prescribe them? If so, could you perhaps try a different doctor (I'm sure you've seen you fair share, and the next person's and the next person's share of doctors already). Is there a university near you who possibly has a Pain Management Research centre?? Just thinking aloud here.
Also, just in regards to your suicidal thoughts, please don't feel ashamed for having those thoughts, or for admitting to having them. Suicidal thoughts enter our mind when the pain (be it emotional or physical) surpasses our current ability to cope. There is no shame in that. However, you must always remember that each day brings new opportunities and surprises, so it's always worth just waiting one more day and seeing how you feel. If you're having a really bad day and suicide is on your mind, if you just wait for the next day to come around, chances are you will feel better and you'll be glad you stuck around
crystalserenity
Bluelighter
Hi dear TDS-thank you to all for sharing your pain and hope. My story is quite typical. Struggled with many mental issues and hence many addictions over my 48 yrs. I can relate to everyone and to those fighting the depression and anxiety right now please hang on as I know in the grand scheme of things I have never regretted being alive on the other side of my many unhealthy encounters with substances and/or deadly emotions.
Currently I am trying to kick a 3 or so year run on opiates. I do also have chronic pain and illnesses so I am a little scared of how these will be dealt with in the future. Today is day #7 opiate free. I have been using a few benzos(mostly4 sleep) and small amts of subs(.5x2) and hope the sub does not just drag things out. It does seem to b good 4 the pain though also.
I know I have really rambled, but mostly want 2 say thanx so much to every1. Love and Light, Gina
Currently I am trying to kick a 3 or so year run on opiates. I do also have chronic pain and illnesses so I am a little scared of how these will be dealt with in the future. Today is day #7 opiate free. I have been using a few benzos(mostly4 sleep) and small amts of subs(.5x2) and hope the sub does not just drag things out. It does seem to b good 4 the pain though also.
I know I have really rambled, but mostly want 2 say thanx so much to every1. Love and Light, Gina
WyldOrchid5150
Bluelighter
Hi WyldOrchid, welcome the The Dark Side
I personally don't have any experience with pain management but I really do feel for you and your situation. Are you averse to opioid pain management, or are your current doctors not going to prescribe them? If so, could you perhaps try a different doctor (I'm sure you've seen you fair share, and the next person's and the next person's share of doctors already). Is there a university near you who possibly has a Pain Management Research centre?? Just thinking aloud here.
Also, just in regards to your suicidal thoughts, please don't feel ashamed for having those thoughts, or for admitting to having them. Suicidal thoughts enter our mind when the pain (be it emotional or physical) surpasses our current ability to cope. There is no shame in that. However, you must always remember that each day brings new opportunities and surprises, so it's always worth just waiting one more day and seeing how you feel. If you're having a really bad day and suicide is on your mind, if you just wait for the next day to come around, chances are you will feel better and you'll be glad you stuck around
Thank you for the kind welcome and for letting me bend an ear. I'm not against pain managment, I just don't care for their practices and why my 'specialist' doctors can't treat it,and I don't want a doctor who has no idea what hes dealing with. Its like being shuffled around for years, and no one can get their head straight. Part of the problem is I have a unusal pain issue. Its cause by the statin drug I have to take for a genetic lipid disorder. 15% of the people who take statins develop muscle pain and weakness, sometimes it can be dibilitaing.But in my case, the benifits outweigh the risks, but doctors don't want to acknowlege the pain part because statin drugs are the biggest money maker in the U.S. No one wants it to rain on their parade. I smoke cannabis for some relife, but some days, theres not a plant in the world that could touch this pain.
The suicidal thoughts come and go, and I've took many different mood enhancers
with disasterous results ( I tore my kitchen to pieces one sunny afternoon.
) I'm seeing that the younger doctors are starting to pay attention to this, Mayo Clinic has wrote a couple little pieces about it, but you had to dig for it. The really sad part is more and more people my age (40s) are dropping dead from sudden heart attacks, or have serious CAD (Coranary Artery Disease) and they have no idea what they could be in for. And even stopping the statins is no guarantee that the pain will go away, or you will not have irrevesible muscle damage, that can only be detected by a muscle biopsy.(Oh! What fun!
)Once again I've babbled on, forgive me, but it feels really good to vent a little, to people I know understand pain issues and emotional trauma. Its hard to relax when the black dog of death is haunting your steps.
crystalserenity
Bluelighter
Sarcophagus-sounds as if u have been through a lot but r still hanging in there in school-this is sooo important-I let something take me down during finals once + have not returned + am very sad about this. U sound like u have an inner strength that will carry u finals + then take some time to regroup + take care of urself. Wish u the best, gina.
sarcophagus.heels
Bluelighter
Thanks! - my finals have generally been okay, although I am worried about this last one that was today - I sort of dropped the ball on that class. But here's to hoping it won't be too horrific. I just need to get my act together a little - focusing on school can just be so goddamn difficult sometimes.
This is the whole reason why The Dark Side exists hun, please feel free to vent any time
Hello and welcome crystalserenity, best wishes for getting sober. There are lots of people right here in TDS who have been through the same thing so don't be afraid to reach out for help/advice
crystalserenity
Bluelighter
Thank-you n3o, A LOT. I have been off opiates for 9 huge days now. I am super happy about this. Never-the-less there is a dark corner of my mind that is so afraid of fucking-up again! This is the best I have felt about kicking ever. I wish everyone a sense of peace today, even if it is fleeting. Love n Light, ginaThis is the whole reason why The Dark Side exists hun, please feel free to vent any time
Hello and welcome crystalserenity, best wishes for getting sober. There are lots of people right here in TDS who have been through the same thing so don't be afraid to reach out for help/advice
TINK
Bluelighter
Awesome to hear!! I beat it almost 5 years ago and have been clean since then. You can do it
Don't drive yourself crazy about fucking up, think of it as a rule in your life. This is how I did it. We all have rules in our life that we live by. For some its ok to cheat on your significant other, others maybe to kill someone. I made it a rule that I just did not have it as an option. Literally would make myself believe that if I took it I would get sick. And now to this day when I think about taking an opiate I get sick to my stomach.
Just think... the physical w/d are over..which are half the battle. Stay positive, don't think of it as beating yourself up if you think of that way you will be miserable. Believe that you have already achieved something wonderful!!
crystalserenity
Bluelighter
Thank-you so for the words of support-i had bad cravings yesterday but blamed it on PAWS n got by-yay! I have concerns about using subs 2 quit. Started with a low dose (.5mg). Plan to taper to .125 over the next wk r so. Does this sound ok? Gina
Should add that I have had really bad luck w/cold turkey.
Should add that I have had really bad luck w/cold turkey.
intro
hi , I am 32 and have been looking around this site for a few weeks. I have been going back and forth with trying to quit using. It all started when I was 18 and one of my b.f. started shooting morphine She wouldnt let me shoot but would give me pills, so anyway I was in an accident and my doc started prescribing vics and xanax and that all it took to start my 14 year spiral. I tried herion a few times thoughout the years and last year when my doc got busted (prescribing 2 many opiates n benzos,) pills became very hard to come by and heroin was just a phone call away. Last night my husband found a cap to a rig and confronted me about it and there was no more denying.
He says he wants a divorce and maybe that isn't the worst idea. I want so badly to be healthy and happy again. I cant remember being happy without drugs. Today is my first day and since I tapered down to 1/2 pack a day I'm not horribly sick but did have a few muscle cramps that had me on the floor crying. I am giving up this life and hope to bring good things to others when I am in a better place . Thanks for listening and Good Luck to all.
hi , I am 32 and have been looking around this site for a few weeks. I have been going back and forth with trying to quit using. It all started when I was 18 and one of my b.f. started shooting morphine She wouldnt let me shoot but would give me pills, so anyway I was in an accident and my doc started prescribing vics and xanax and that all it took to start my 14 year spiral. I tried herion a few times thoughout the years and last year when my doc got busted (prescribing 2 many opiates n benzos,) pills became very hard to come by and heroin was just a phone call away. Last night my husband found a cap to a rig and confronted me about it and there was no more denying.
He says he wants a divorce and maybe that isn't the worst idea. I want so badly to be healthy and happy again. I cant remember being happy without drugs. Today is my first day and since I tapered down to 1/2 pack a day I'm not horribly sick but did have a few muscle cramps that had me on the floor crying. I am giving up this life and hope to bring good things to others when I am in a better place . Thanks for listening and Good Luck to all.Hi haill, welcome to The Dark Side and to Bluelight
I sincerely wish you all the strength and best wishes for overcoming your addiction. Please be sure to check back in with us here in TDS whenever you need to talk to someone. You can do this hun
I sincerely wish you all the strength and best wishes for overcoming your addiction. Please be sure to check back in with us here in TDS whenever you need to talk to someone. You can do this hun
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