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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
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smokozziben
Greenlighter
Smoko,
I lurk around a lot but felt like logging in. Opi junkie but needing to tame that beast and function a lot more. Should be asleep and took some Diaz but I think I'm enjoying the benzo buzz too much to go down. It's been a few weeks since I had any. To sleep though, real soon. Maybe I'll come back and share some more sordid details. I've always been one to listen and read rather than talk and share, I dunno. Gets lonely sometimes though
I lurk around a lot but felt like logging in. Opi junkie but needing to tame that beast and function a lot more. Should be asleep and took some Diaz but I think I'm enjoying the benzo buzz too much to go down. It's been a few weeks since I had any. To sleep though, real soon. Maybe I'll come back and share some more sordid details. I've always been one to listen and read rather than talk and share, I dunno. Gets lonely sometimes though
Hey guys. Polydrug dependant 17 year old. Well at least thats what the shrinks and psychiatrists tell me. I'm really just addicted to feeling good with chemicals. I used to be a huge dxm junky for 2 or 3 years. Also spent lots of periods binging on adderall. Love opiates too. Pot. Whatever really. I keep planning on quitting but i never get around to it. I've been to inpatient treatment many times.
I've recently gotten into IV drug use. Never thought i'd ever touch H or Crystal... I see myself reaching new lows... I stole my mom's jewelry and pawned it, and it's been bothering me and I've never felt so shitty. It's just a matter of time before she finds out and then what happens next I'm not sure and don't even wanna think about it. I started huffing again even though I know how bad it is for me. Sometimes I wish I'd die from it. I just recently went to court over my second dirty UA (I'm on probation and we have color code which is basically random UAs). And the day after court I had a UA and i'm failing it for opiates... Not looking forward to that phone call from my PO...
I keep contemplating suicide but the wreckage I would leave behind deters me from it. But it would be so easy... Hydrogen sulfide gas is easily made.
The funny part is, when I was in 7th grade I always wanted to be a drug addict cause i thought they were cool because they were so 'hard core' (yes stupid I know, but middle schoolers are pretty dumb). Now I'm reaping what i sowed.
I really want to quit but I'm so scared... I just can't do it... Its so much easier to just rot away. Please some words of advice? or just understanding?
I've recently gotten into IV drug use. Never thought i'd ever touch H or Crystal... I see myself reaching new lows... I stole my mom's jewelry and pawned it, and it's been bothering me and I've never felt so shitty. It's just a matter of time before she finds out and then what happens next I'm not sure and don't even wanna think about it. I started huffing again even though I know how bad it is for me. Sometimes I wish I'd die from it. I just recently went to court over my second dirty UA (I'm on probation and we have color code which is basically random UAs). And the day after court I had a UA and i'm failing it for opiates... Not looking forward to that phone call from my PO...
I keep contemplating suicide but the wreckage I would leave behind deters me from it. But it would be so easy... Hydrogen sulfide gas is easily made.
The funny part is, when I was in 7th grade I always wanted to be a drug addict cause i thought they were cool because they were so 'hard core' (yes stupid I know, but middle schoolers are pretty dumb). Now I'm reaping what i sowed.
I really want to quit but I'm so scared... I just can't do it... Its so much easier to just rot away. Please some words of advice? or just understanding?
craigyt2k
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2010
- Messages
- 298
Hey everyone, I'm Craig. been lingering round here on bluelight since i started reading up on drugs at 16, now 23 coming to the end of my guinea pig drug taking status and reality is hitting like a ton of bricks to the extent im having suicidal thought and am stuggling finding decent balance with life. for me its all or nothing, totally addictive personality wether its drink, junk food, sleep, insomnia, loneliness, exercise. i hit it all to excess. its over the last year or so i stopped smoking weed as much and im now completley drug free, slight alcohol problem which is nasty. and my last illegal drugs took was benzos and a few months 1-4 times a week IV heroin, only stopped after family breakdowns, lack of cash, few bad deals and the UK drought. no doubt i stopped for the best but now im in limbo wether i want to live, its so sad. im dead against phyc meds, only one i've tried is risperidone and i would rather helpmyself naturally, i know how but its just putting the plan into practice and sticking to it.
Chins up everyone
Chins up everyone
Hey all,
I'm David. I am 26 and have been addicted to opiates for 11 years and been on one drug or another since I was 9/10......
I am AvPD (Avoidant personality disorder) and dealt with a ton of emotional issues related to physical/emotional/sexual abuse among other things. When I think about everything (which is very rare) it is actually quite amazing that I am in as good of shape as I am.
I am currently on methadone maintenance and planning to taper down + switch to subs when I can.
I left my fiance of 4 years just over a year ago and for some reason the pain is much worse recently than it has been at any point since I left. Possibly b/c I haven't been abusing anything in the past month and am now only taking my methadone dose. I quit smoking pot after years of daily use but that hasn't bothered me much so far as I can tell.
I am in a pretty bad place right now emotionally. I really don't know how to handle it. I don't have the motivation to do anything and just want to cry (although it hasn't even happened).
The thing is that I know that I did the right thing in leaving. There was nothing good left in the relationship really. She had a terrible temper and would physically take it out on me a lot. I refuse to cause any harm to a female no matter what so I would do nothing but try to deflect the damage. The last time she came at me with a fire poker and shattered a couple of my back teeth and that is when I left.
She still blamed me for her going to jail over it. despite everything I can't bring myself to not care. I still cling to the beginning of the relationship which was beautiful and remember how she made me feel loved.
Deep down that is all I really want in the world........I can't help but think that it is pathetic though....
I'm David. I am 26 and have been addicted to opiates for 11 years and been on one drug or another since I was 9/10......
I am AvPD (Avoidant personality disorder) and dealt with a ton of emotional issues related to physical/emotional/sexual abuse among other things. When I think about everything (which is very rare) it is actually quite amazing that I am in as good of shape as I am.
I am currently on methadone maintenance and planning to taper down + switch to subs when I can.
I left my fiance of 4 years just over a year ago and for some reason the pain is much worse recently than it has been at any point since I left. Possibly b/c I haven't been abusing anything in the past month and am now only taking my methadone dose. I quit smoking pot after years of daily use but that hasn't bothered me much so far as I can tell.
I am in a pretty bad place right now emotionally. I really don't know how to handle it. I don't have the motivation to do anything and just want to cry (although it hasn't even happened).
The thing is that I know that I did the right thing in leaving. There was nothing good left in the relationship really. She had a terrible temper and would physically take it out on me a lot. I refuse to cause any harm to a female no matter what so I would do nothing but try to deflect the damage. The last time she came at me with a fire poker and shattered a couple of my back teeth and that is when I left.
She still blamed me for her going to jail over it. despite everything I can't bring myself to not care. I still cling to the beginning of the relationship which was beautiful and remember how she made me feel loved.
Deep down that is all I really want in the world........I can't help but think that it is pathetic though....
dUncatchableDragon
Greenlighter
---> is a 30plus/f/RI, usa
Dx of SLE Lupus/DRA
Been a long road on meds . I love to hate them.
My name says it all so all u people thinking of trying something new save urself the hassel. U'll prob acomplish what u want but only for a small time, them u will see what I mean by my sn.
Dx of SLE Lupus/DRA
Been a long road on meds . I love to hate them.
My name says it all so all u people thinking of trying something new save urself the hassel. U'll prob acomplish what u want but only for a small time, them u will see what I mean by my sn.
dermeister
Greenlighter
about me. Im 16 and have only been doing drugs for 4 months. Before this period of my life it seemed like everyone i knew didnt care what i did, now all i do is step on peoples toes so i have to hide who i really am from everyone. I've only done weed and x. Im constantly thinking about meth and h. Only reason im not on those yet is I can't find any one who sells.
Just kind of sitting on my own little island with no one who understands me.
Just kind of sitting on my own little island with no one who understands me.
vvViolet
Bluelighter
hello TDS! i'm 29 years old and am a moderate D-AMP abuser. i've struggled with mental health problems since i was about 10 years old. i've probably seen 25+ different psychologists/psychiatrists over the last 20 years. i've been diagnosed with a great variety of disorders which confused the hell out of me for the longest time. if i had to diagnose myself i would say i have Bipolar II Disorder (with rapid cycling), along with strong Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, moderate ADHD-Pi and moderate GAD that occasionally leads to Panic. at this point i basically just throw the OCD, ADHD, GAD and Panic as symptoms of my Bipolar II. i am currently RX'd 50mg. of Vyvanse a day along with 3.0mg. of Klonopin a day. i'm tapering off of the Klonopin; i hate it. over the past 10 years, i have been on Prozac, Strattera, Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Cymbalta. i took Lexapro the longest; from 2004-2009 and then early 2010 until late 2010. i carried an MDD diagnosis since,, probably 1995 that just recently was switched to Bipolar II after an increase in my Lexapro switched me into the worst episode of mania i have ever experienced. since then, i have settled back into my baseline hypomanic self. i have no desire to treat my Bipolar-ness with a drug; they want to put me on Lithium or Seroquel. i feel like, after all these years of SSRIs/SNRIs etc., i've lost/muted some parts of myself that i can't even remember because it's been so long since i haven't been medicated. i've lurked in TDS since i've been a member of bluelight. i'm excited to finally throw some posts up there and get/give support and insight to this truly fascinating, insightful, supportive and totally awesome community.
tass4243
Bluelighter
Not a new user, but new to TDS for the most part.
My name is JD, and I'm 23 years old. I was the typical anti drug growing up kid until senior year of high school when I finally drank. Dranking led to smoking, which led to cough syrup to psychedelics etc. I've smoked pot consistently for the last 5 years straight, at least a g/day. I needed to stop this abuse long ago, as its so much more harmful to myself, even though I still have the "idea" that its good. I don't really even know what it means to be sober for more then 24 hours. Its extremely hard for me to go more then a few days at most and not dose on something.
Anyhow, then I opened myself up to more and more kinds of drugs. I've had a few run ins with binging on shit, but never for an extended time, so never addicted to any one thing. I found myself in a bad relationship for 3 years, and I turned to drugs to get away. Just as time has passed, I find it harder and harder to go a day without something. I can't remember what it was like to live a sober life anymore. Tried quitting drugs, just made me smoke double as much weed all day. Relapsed with one substance, now its turned into 6 different ones over the past week or two.
Being liberated from my relationship made me feel lost for quite some time, I seem to be at a crossroads or something. Just started using more since I was "free". Losing your self is easy, but finding yourself is hard.
Anyway I've been a member of this board for a while, and its a great community. I've met some people I still talk to daily. I hope I can help contribute and learn in TDS. And hopefully create some good relationships with you folks.
I admire the people who help souls who are in a bad place, it can really help having someone to relate to.
for you all.
My name is JD, and I'm 23 years old. I was the typical anti drug growing up kid until senior year of high school when I finally drank. Dranking led to smoking, which led to cough syrup to psychedelics etc. I've smoked pot consistently for the last 5 years straight, at least a g/day. I needed to stop this abuse long ago, as its so much more harmful to myself, even though I still have the "idea" that its good. I don't really even know what it means to be sober for more then 24 hours. Its extremely hard for me to go more then a few days at most and not dose on something.
Anyhow, then I opened myself up to more and more kinds of drugs. I've had a few run ins with binging on shit, but never for an extended time, so never addicted to any one thing. I found myself in a bad relationship for 3 years, and I turned to drugs to get away. Just as time has passed, I find it harder and harder to go a day without something. I can't remember what it was like to live a sober life anymore. Tried quitting drugs, just made me smoke double as much weed all day. Relapsed with one substance, now its turned into 6 different ones over the past week or two.
Being liberated from my relationship made me feel lost for quite some time, I seem to be at a crossroads or something. Just started using more since I was "free". Losing your self is easy, but finding yourself is hard.
Anyway I've been a member of this board for a while, and its a great community. I've met some people I still talk to daily. I hope I can help contribute and learn in TDS. And hopefully create some good relationships with you folks.
I admire the people who help souls who are in a bad place, it can really help having someone to relate to. for you all. ChildofAngularIsle
Greenlighter
Aloha!
Hey everyone out there! I'm Marin and I personally have found my Eating Disorder and non-persecution use of Adderall, as well as destructive binge-drinking to be starting to seriously effect my ability to perform in school. The more I bring the pressure on myself, I suddenly regress to Middle School when I self mutilated on a regular basis. I am not afraid of my behaviors yet but I am unsure how to be able to begin to cope with them. As a young woman interested in all experiences in life, I look forward to sharing thought and theories with those who may know what I am going through. Love and light to all... M*
Hey everyone out there! I'm Marin and I personally have found my Eating Disorder and non-persecution use of Adderall, as well as destructive binge-drinking to be starting to seriously effect my ability to perform in school. The more I bring the pressure on myself, I suddenly regress to Middle School when I self mutilated on a regular basis. I am not afraid of my behaviors yet but I am unsure how to be able to begin to cope with them. As a young woman interested in all experiences in life, I look forward to sharing thought and theories with those who may know what I am going through. Love and light to all... M*
Hello and welcome to The Dark Side to our 4 newcomers!
dermeister, if you are wishing to associate with people who understand you, you've come to the right place
Violet and tass, thank you both for sharing some of your story with us
Marin, you sound very similar to me, I too have suffered with multiple eating disorders, alcohol addiction and self-harm. I hope you find the support and advice you're seeking here
dermeister, if you are wishing to associate with people who understand you, you've come to the right place
Violet and tass, thank you both for sharing some of your story with us
Marin, you sound very similar to me, I too have suffered with multiple eating disorders, alcohol addiction and self-harm. I hope you find the support and advice you're seeking here
My name is w33d.
I am addicted to cocaine however I havent relapsed in almost a year.
I also am a pot head however I am looking to end this soon. (maybe just a T break?)
I browse many BL forums but I recently have found most of the time I spend browsing bl is in TDS
I am addicted to cocaine however I havent relapsed in almost a year.
I also am a pot head however I am looking to end this soon. (maybe just a T break?)
I browse many BL forums but I recently have found most of the time I spend browsing bl is in TDS
KBambi
Greenlighter
Hi
New to the forum but not to the dark side haha. Gotta laugh a little you know? I have been an addict for 20+yrs, have had various periods of recovery but am not in one now. I am tired of the fight at the present time, just tired of everything being so damn hard. And I know I do a lot of it to myself, complicate things. Anyways, hi and glad to have a place to talk about this subject. Its very lonely being an addict, at least that is my experience. Hugs to all
New to the forum but not to the dark side haha. Gotta laugh a little you know? I have been an addict for 20+yrs, have had various periods of recovery but am not in one now. I am tired of the fight at the present time, just tired of everything being so damn hard. And I know I do a lot of it to myself, complicate things. Anyways, hi and glad to have a place to talk about this subject. Its very lonely being an addict, at least that is my experience. Hugs to all
TINK
Bluelighter
Ok, so I have been a BLR for almost 11 years, most of you know me and most of you don't. I am a recoved opiate addict. Was addicted for over 8 years and have been opiate free for over 4 years. I have a history of depression, panic attacks and chronic pain. I was an active self injurer until I was probably in my late 20's. I am a surviver of an alcholoic father who physically and emotionally abused me.
Currently at this moment, I am struggling with issues of being alone. I literally only have human contact when I go to work. I am also struggling with a few medical issues that are both physical and mental.
I have "been there done that", I am 40 years old and have experienced a lot of pain and joy in my life. I feel that we all have a lot to learn from each other because we experience everything in different ways. I have been fortunate enough to be able to live a somewhat normal life during all this mess. But, I think the double life takes a toll on you.
Anyways, always interested in talking if you need anyone just PM me.
Currently at this moment, I am struggling with issues of being alone. I literally only have human contact when I go to work. I am also struggling with a few medical issues that are both physical and mental.
I have "been there done that", I am 40 years old and have experienced a lot of pain and joy in my life. I feel that we all have a lot to learn from each other because we experience everything in different ways. I have been fortunate enough to be able to live a somewhat normal life during all this mess. But, I think the double life takes a toll on you.
Anyways, always interested in talking if you need anyone just PM me.
^^ Thanks for sharing this side of you with us TINK
You're right, living the double life is exhausting, I do it too. I'm just starting to suffer from some pretty bad anxiety for the first time in my life so I might just PM you to chat about it sometime soon if that's okay? *hugs*
You're right, living the double life is exhausting, I do it too. I'm just starting to suffer from some pretty bad anxiety for the first time in my life so I might just PM you to chat about it sometime soon if that's okay? *hugs*
TINK
Bluelighter
^^ Thanks for sharing this side of you with us TINK
You're right, living the double life is exhausting, I do it too. I'm just starting to suffer from some pretty bad anxiety for the first time in my life so I might just PM you to chat about it sometime soon if that's okay? *hugs*
You are my good twin, of course you can pm me. Anytime hun. We are so much a like its scary. I know we have had this convo before.
You know how to reach me
I actually look forward to talking to you 
Hi guys.
Been on the forums for years, never posted a whole lot.
But I've come to a stage in my life where I could really do with some support from people who understand. I've always admired what you guys do here, and given where I'm at, there seemed no better time to introduce myself.
Anyway, I'm Trate, sufferer of depression & anxiety. Once a heavy abuser of substances, I'm now trying desperately to get my head on straight after a few close calls.
I hope to be a good contribution to the community.
Been on the forums for years, never posted a whole lot.
But I've come to a stage in my life where I could really do with some support from people who understand. I've always admired what you guys do here, and given where I'm at, there seemed no better time to introduce myself.
Anyway, I'm Trate, sufferer of depression & anxiety. Once a heavy abuser of substances, I'm now trying desperately to get my head on straight after a few close calls.
I hope to be a good contribution to the community.
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